Transformation

Seriously interesting things have been happening in my head lately. I wonder if this is really going to be the time that things are different because of the things that are happening in my head.

I do not remember being this focused on losing weight ever; not even back in 2011 when I lost around 33 pounds. I don't remember it being such a big deal to me to hit 199 back then. I remember being happy about it, but it wasn't like it is now.

I remember my main focus back then being on training for races/working out and the food was my second focus. I wanted to lose weight, but thought that being focused on being active was the best way to go about it for me. Obviously it worked to some extent or I wouldn't have lost 33 pounds. However, when I was no longer training for anything (between November and March); I also wasn't losing weight.

Now I am working out like crazy, but it's my secondary focus behind my diet and what really needs to be done to lose this weight. I've always known, but now I seem to be really embracing the fact that losing weight is at least 80% what/how much I eat. I learned this back in 2011-2012 when I was training for all those races and still not losing weight unless I was really tracking what I was eating. Yet I still feel like I kept trying to figure out a way to get to eat more food and still lose weight.

I remember being hopeful back in 2014 that doing the Whole30 would help change my relationship with food. It didn't. I feel like I am finally starting to change my relationship with food and it's kind of crazy. What's especially crazy is how strong of a hold food really has on me.

This is hard to put in words so if it doesn't make sense I apologize now.

On a daily basis I have to fight with myself to change my way of thinking. Let's give today as an example. It's Saturday and I have 33 weeklies left so clearly I have not been eating a ton this week. I could conceivably use all 33 of those points today and tomorrow and still be considered 100% on plan. For lack of better words I'm going to say the "old" me and the "new" me. The old me is saying that I should basically eat whatever I want today. Track it, but don't worry about it because I have PLENTY of weeklies left to have lots of food today. The new me is saying WHY??? Is there something you really want? The answer is no. The old me is saying, it doesn't matter. What you want is to not have to think about it or worry about it. Sure, that's how I used to think, but I haven't really been mad lately about making the choices I'm making. The old me tries to get even stronger in fighting the new me. She says things like, you're not eating enough and at some point your weight loss is going to stall because your body is going to think you're starving. You could really go for a few high point/calorie days and maybe gain a couple pounds; but then go back to being really strict and you'll see a big loss on the scale.

That may be the case; but guess what? I don't have to do that just because. My weight loss hasn't stalled yet. As of this morning I have dropped 10.6 pounds since April 1st and I still have 9 days left in this month. If I can continue at the same pace I've been going, I'll meet (and exceed actually) my "A" goal by May 1st! That will mean I'll get to come up with a NEW goal to hit before our Disney trip.

It's been an interesting battle. The new me has definitely been winning every battle this week. She's actually been so strong that not only am I sticking to my plan, but I'm exceeding it. I mean, my plan this week was to only use my weeklies and to have 5 blue dot days. Like I said earlier, I have 2 days left this week and still have all but 9 of my weekly points left. I think it's pretty safe to say I will end this week with more points left than any other week this month (or any month since starting WW).

I am hopeful that at some point my mind will make the full transformation that I am working to make. I don't mind indulging in something if I really want it. (I mean, yesterday I still had my dairy queen cone after my infusion because that's what I do every time I get an infusion). But, indulging in something just because I can is stupid. That's the stuff I want to stop. And that is what I have stopped for the time being. This transformation of my mind is what might actually make a difference this time. Only time will tell; and all I can do is keep fighting the fight.