2014 Hopes and Dreams

Hopes and Dreams….I thought that was better than goals or resolutions.

I've said it before; I don't like to make "resolutions". But I do like to set goals for the year. Funny though, how just a change in the word makes a difference. I never used to set resolutions because it was always just that I needed and wanted to lose weight. I would; and would just as quickly gain it back plus some. I soon decided I enjoy having goals to strive for in addition to losing weight. It gives me a better sense of focus (sometimes). But really, call them what you want; goals, resolutions, hopes, dreams - it's all the same.

A goal..like finish an Olympic Triathlon

I don't know that I've ever been quite as happy as I am this year to see a year come to an end. I am more than ready to bid farewell to 2013 and celebrate the fresh start of 2014. 

However, coming up with a list of goals for 2014 is much more challenging than in years' past. 2012 was such a great year. I had only a few goals (4 to be exact) and met all but 1 of them. I would have met the 4th, but that is when I was really starting to get sick and just couldn't muster up the energy to complete the 2 more races I needed to meet that goal. 2013, on the other hand, has been a much more difficult year. But we've already discussed this at length (here, here, and here - to name a few). 

I have a feeling my 2014 goals need to be significantly smaller than ones that I am used to making. There probably will not be any Olympic Triathlons (or perhaps even sprint ones), marathons (maybe not even half marathons), multiple races, etc. I need to think smaller in order to stay healthy (Crohn's-wise) and get healthier. That's really the ONLY goal that matters in 2014. But, I think I can break this down to smaller goals so that I can really focus on being the healthiest me I can be. 

Goal #1: Figure out how to be accountable (i.e. stay on track) without being too hard on myself. Heck, figure out how to not be so hard on myself in general. Two of my friends suggested that I make this my first goal for 2014. I've heard countless people tell me I'm too hard on myself, so perhaps it's time to focus on this. Honestly, I am not sure how to do this. I think this is going to be one of the most difficult goals I have, but I also think it will do a lot for my overall health. 

Goal #2: Lose at least 50lbs between Jan. 1st and Dec. 31st. Wow…this one is REALLY specific, but totally doable. This would amount to less than 1lb per week overall, which is not unreasonable. I have significantly more weight than that to lose, but this will be a great start. I usually set weight loss goals to lose 2lbs per week and although I may have been able to lose 10lbs in 5 weeks before; it usually ends after that. I really want to see if I can meet this goal once and for all. If I can consistently lose weight (slowly, but steady) for the course of a year it will be an enormous accomplishment. 

Goal #3: Exercise at least 3 days per week. This will be much different than the last few years as well. This "exercise" can be anything that I can do at the moment. Right now, that may be just walking and that has got to be OK. This is where those small steps come in to play.  I need to be careful in regards to stressing my body so that my Crohn's can stay at bay. I am sure being physically active and losing weight will only help me in the long run (duh), but doing it too fast can tax my body too much and quickly put me in another flare.  

And that's it. I think those are the three most important things to focus on this year. Would I like to get back to doing races? Absolutely. However, I have no idea if that's realistic for me this year or not. However, if I can meet these goals AND stay healthy this year it will set the table for some lofty goals in 2015 and beyond. 

Farewell 2013. You beat the hell out of me, but you didn't break me. I hope that you all have a wonderful end to your 2013. And here's to an amazing 2014!

2013 Goals Revisited….part 2

In case you missed the first part for some reason you can find it here.

I left you with Goal #7 in the last post. So, let's continue….

Goal #8: Volunteer at the kids school more.
I have ABSOLUTELY met this goal! Not only have I started volunteering on a bi-monthly basis in the office at the elementary school; I have since gotten myself added to the substitute secretary list for the school district.

Goal #9 - Learn to chill. 
This is a tough one. Kind of like the eating out less and spending less goal, I think I've made some significant progress with this one. I actually think not working and spending more time being a mom has made me more patient with the kids. They still have the ability to get on my last nerve, but not like before and certainly not as quickly as before. Still a work in progress, but I'm definitely in a better place regarding my anxiety.

Goal #10 - Don't fall off the wagon the last 1-3 months of the year (or the first 1-3 for that matter)! 
Didn't do too well with this one. I fell off after being in the hospital in January (duh!)…and really haven't gotten back on yet.

Goal #11 - Find a new distance race for another instant PR. 
Didn't do it. But, I would like to do a 15k for my new distance once I get back there….

Goal #12 - Lose enough weight to do another marathon.
Clearly….no. This will continue to be a goal in my mind though.

Goal #13 - Consistently improve my running (and fitness in general) and keep improving until Jan. 1st 2014 (and then continue to improve after that).  
Broken record….didn't do this.

So there you have it. Clearly 2013 was a tough year and not many goals were met. I think I'll agree with my mom who said it's time to bid a farewell to 2013 and start with a clean slate for 2014. I will be coming up with my 2014 goals soon. I'm not going to be nearly as ambitious for next year. I won't be picking 14 goals for 2014 or anything like that. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to try to start small and work my way up. We'll see what I come up with…..

2013 Goals Revisited….part 1

So last year I wrote a post about my 2012 goals revisited. However, if you follow my blog at all or know me in real life, you know that 2013 was a rough year for me. Needless to say this post may not be quite as positive as last year's. Last year I also thought it would be fun to come up with 13 goals for 2013. Yea, that might not have been such a grand idea! I don't really know what I was thinking. When I composed that post I was feeling like crap and was getting worse every day. I think I was in complete denial and thought that if I could just snap out of it, I'd be able to meet lots of goals. Anyway, I'm going to divide this into two blog posts since it's 13 goals and I tend to get wordy anyway. You can thank me later!

So, without further ado let's recap my 13 goals for 2013 and see how I faired.

Goal #1: Take care of myself. 
Although it seems that I have successfully found the medication that seems to be working to put my Crohn's back into remission (knocking on wood); I let emotional eating and feeling sick get the best of me. In the process of going through my worst flare yet, I gained back all the weight I had lost and found an additional 6+ pounds. So, I met this goal because I actually stopped to take care of myself in regards to the Crohn's flare (even if I was completely forced to). But, I did not meet this goal because I did not take care of my health in any other way. I stopped exercising (for a while because I was too sick to exercise, but then because I was just lazy); and I ate like crap pretty much all year (well, when I could eat without feeling sick).

Goal #2: Lose some weight
See explanation above. I have no real excuse for this. I can blame some of the weight gain on the steroids that I had to be on for about 9 months of this calendar year. But, I can't blame the entire 35+ pounds that I've gained on that. I can blame the fact that I couldn't exercise at all from about January to March/April on the disease. But I can't blame the fact that I can't seem to get re-motivated to consistently workout currently on the disease.

Goal #3: Work towards a 2:30 half marathon and PR in the half marathon in 2013. 
With the way my 2013 started, there was pretty much no way I was going to meet this goal this year. I began my year with a week long hospital stay and didn't get better until almost April (and then got really sick again in August). I don't know that many people would recover from that to PR in a race. So, this is what it is and I will continue to put this on my "to-do" list!

Goals 4 & 5: Complete at least one sprint (4) and one Olympic (5) triathlon in 2013. 
Obviously that didn't happen either. This is going to be a trend throughout these posts because a LOT of my 2013 goals were fitness related. I couldn't do that this year. I did not complete a single race in 2013.

Goal 6: Eat out less. 
I'm not sure where I am on this goal. I think that overall I probably have eaten out less this year. Still not as little as we need to be so this will be something to continue to work on.

Goal #7: Spend less money.
Hmmm…I think that we really did meet this one (in some ways). I quit my job back in January when I was so sick, but I had actually planned to quit it in May anyways. I put this on my goal list in anticipation of leaving my job. Then, January happened and I decided I really couldn't stay until May. Given that we cut a significant amount of money off our income and are still surviving, I would say we've met this goal. But again, not as much as I would like. We need to continue to work on this as a family. Goes hand in hand with the eating out!

To be continued……..

Columbus Marathon 2013 - Spectator Report

I love this picture...the start of the marathon! 

One year ago this weekend I was completing my first full marathon. It was amazing and I still can't believe I did it. I was in the midst of fighting the worst Crohn's flare of my life and had no idea what the next year had in store. I loved running Columbus. I enjoyed every moment of the full marathon and really wanted to return this year to participate in the half. In July, I thought I might be able to do that. I wrote this post about how I had signed up for the half marathon. I was feeling unsure about it, but wanted to push myself to do it.

Busy working on the poster....

But then Crohn's had other plans for me once again. I got really sick again in August and decided there was no way I'd be running any distance in October so I dropped out of the race. However, my SIL had signed up with me back in July so she was still going to run it. After spectating in Akron and having such a blast, I decided that I was going to go to Columbus anyway and spectate. And, since my daughter had so much fun and was such an awesome spectator in Akron, I would bring her with me.

Finished product!

It was decided that SIL would bring her daughter as well and we would have a girls weekend. We headed to Columbus Saturday and after picking up SIL's packet at the Expo we checked into the hotel, went to dinner and decorated the poster. We tried to head to bed early since we had to get up early, but it was probably 11 before everyone was asleep.

We got up bright and early at 5AM and after SIL got dressed I could see that the back of her shirt said something. She didn't even put anything on her shirt last year for our first full marathon so I was super curious what it might say. I asked her to show me her shirt and then I started to cry. The front of her shirt says "Never Give Up". I told her that I need to get one of those shirts and she needs to write on the back of it "I am stronger than Crohn's " and we need to wear them to my first race back!

We headed downtown (our hotel was about 8 miles from the city) and really didn't hit any traffic to speak of. We got lucky and immediately found a parking garage that was not full and was quite close to the start/finish lines of the race.

It was COLD so we hung out in the van for a little while before heading down to the start area. This year the security was a little more tight so we were not allowed in the corral area with SIL. We walked her as far as we could and then parted ways to wait for the start. The girls and I decided to find a place right at the start area (as opposed to mile 1 like I had been planning). I texted SIL and another friend I knew was doing the race and told them where to look for me.

On a side note...there were two policemen making me so nervous. They were clearly scanning the crowd looking for anything out of the ordinary. The one guy had this look on his face and obviously saw something that concerned me. I heard him say something about a guy with a backpack. It just made me think and be very aware about what had happened back in April. It made me angry all over again that someone tainted such a wonderful event.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. The girls and I successfully saw SIL and our other friend at the start line. After we saw them pass we started walking to our next spectating spot. Miles 1 and 8 are right by each other and there was a nice church that was open at the same spot. We stopped in the church, got warmed up, made a potty stop and headed out to mile 8 to cheer for the runners. It was SO much fun having a funny sign for the runners to read. So many people commented, laughed, or just smiled at my sign. I truly enjoyed that aspect.

At the start waiting for the race to begin!

We saw SIL...well, actually she saw us and then we moved from that spot. We had to walk about 1.5 miles back to the finish area and she had about 5 miles to go. I figured we had more than enough time, but I didn't want to miss her. When we got close to the finish area we decided to hang out right before mile 13 since it was less crowded. The girls started giving the runners high fives and I think we all enjoyed that. It's so much fun to watch these runners purposely move across the street to high five the kids.

We were waiting and waiting and I swear I was looking intently so that I didn't miss SIL. I saw some of the runners that we had seen around mile 8 and thought she's got to be coming any minute now. We then saw our other friend and I thought it was weird because she was behind SIL at mile 8 (or, I think she was because we didn't see her). I looked at my phone to check the time and saw a text from SIL asking where I was! Somehow we missed her! She was done. It turns out that she was focused at that point and was on the opposite side of the street as us. I was focusing on the side we were on because that's the side she usually runs on. Too funny. I guess I still need to work on my spectating skills!

Another half marathon in the books!

It was a blast. But next year I want to participate in the race. I'd like to RUN it. And I'd like to run it better than I've ever run a half marathon. It's a year away.....and if this year has taught me anything it's that a lot can happen in a year. Right?!?!

C25k - Week 2 Complete

Yesterday I completed week 2 day 3 of the couch to 5k program. It feels really good to be back to running. The food on the other hand, that's still a struggle. Yea, Yea, I know it's ALWAYS going to be a struggle.

So last week the plan was to continue with the running and start tracking my food again. And, as it's been doing lately, that lasted about 2/3 of one day. The good news? I only gained .4lbs this week so it wasn't a horrible amount of damage. The better news? Yesterday was a great day! I tracked all my food, completed week 2 of C25k, and did a lot of cleaning around the house (which means I wasn't sitting on my butt all day like I've been a lot lately).

Of course the BEST news?!?! I'm feeling more and more hopeful that this Humira is working! I am now down to 10mg of prednisone (from 40mg) and have completed my first 6 starter doses of the Humira. I still feel the BEST I've felt in a long time (about a year and a half) and I even feel like I continue to get better. I'm terrified to use the word remission because I don't want to speak too soon.....

Last night I spent some time planning. Those of you who know me know I'm a planner. I LOVE planning things. I've even thought about trying to get a job as a planner (like wedding planner, event planner, etc) but I don't really want to work weekends at this point in my life. Anyway....so, I started looking at the calendar, my weight, training programs and race dates. The promise I made myself was that I would not attempt another marathon until my weight starts with a 1. I didn't get any more specific than that, but I think I might be ready to do that. Maybe it'll be the motivation I need to stop eating and get my butt back in gear.

I know you all probably think I'm crazy that I'm just barely starting to feel better and I'm already planning on another marathon. It's not like I'm looking at doing this marathon tomorrow. This is what helps me. It helps me to realize that if I stop this terrible cycle now, I might actually be able to write a positive post next year about what a difference a year makes. And between now and whenever this marathon happens, I plan to get back on the race wagon. I plan to come back better and get even stronger (and smaller) than I was at my best.

And with that I'll leave you...until another day!

Couch to 5k...Week 1

Week 1 is complete!

I am so very proud of the fact that this week I decided to start the C25k program and I then proceeded to run every other day for the remainder of the week! This program is so easy and there is NO reason I can't do it. It consists of run/walking 3 days a week for no more than 30 minutes at a time. It's a great program for beginners or for those of us needing to re-start after an injury or illness. What I'm enjoying about it now is that it forces me to take it slow. One thing that doesn't mix well with Crohn's Disease is stress. As much as this kind of stress is different than other life stressors, I believe that I don't want to tax my body too much right now because it's still working on healing.

Back in July I decided I was feeling better (still nowhere near 100%, but better "enough") and I started training for a half marathon. I quickly went from nothing to run/walking 5 miles and ended up getting really sick again. I don't know that this was anything more than coincidence (I think the Remicade was never really working and it took time for the prednisone to be out of my system long enough to realize that), but regardless it's not going to hurt me to start off slow.

And the slow is great because I actually feel really good! The runs are feeling almost easy and I love that. I'm well aware of my pace, but it really isn't bothering me the way it might in the past. I'm happy to be back on that treadmill and doing it. I believe that the Humira is going to work and this disease is going to go back into remission so I can focus on getting fit and healthy again. So now it is time to implement step 2 in this comeback......

I spent last week getting back on track with the exercise. I completed the C25k program with success. So, this week the food has to start (or end..hahaha). Starting tomorrow I am back to tracking my food on my fitness pal. My goal for next week is to stay around 1500 calories. C25k week 2 also starts tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Calling it a Comeback....

My post yesterday might have been slightly confusing to anyone who doesn't know what's been going on with me lately. The last post prior to yesterday's was about how I registered for the Columbus half marathon. But then yesterday I write a post about completing W1D1 from the couch to 5k program. Obviously if I'm starting the C25K program now and the Columbus half marathon is in 3 weeks, I'm no longer doing it.

To bring you up to speed......after I registered for the half marathon I started training. It was going OK. I think I got to 5 miles, so I lasted about 3 weeks into training. During this time I was still not 100% health-wise, but I had been on Remicade since January and was still hopeful that it would actually work to put me back in remission at some point. Well, it didn't. Not only that, but I continued to deteriorate. By the time I was due for another Remicade infusion on August 12th, I told my doctor that it felt as though I was continuing downhill for the past 6 weeks (since my last infusion). He decided to double my dose and see how that worked. Those were the worst 2 weeks I've had since I was hospitalized in January. At this point I made the decision that I couldn't complete the half marathon in October. I felt horrible and wasn't sure what was going to happen. My doctor put me back on prednisone and I started taking a hefty probiotic, which has seemed to do more for me in the last few weeks than anything else this year. I started on Humira last Friday. I am now tapering off the prednisone and then we'll see if the Humira is working or not. But that's where I'm at now. Last year I was tapering for the marathon....this year I'm tapering my prednisone!

So what motivated me (finally) to get back on the treadmill yesterday?? Here's that story.....

Last Saturday was the 11th annual Akron Marathon. I have never participated in this event, but my sister in law has run the half marathon the last 3 years. She has been telling me for 3 years how awesome this race is and that I must do it. I didn't do it in 2011 because I was training for my first triathlon which was the week before the Akron Marathon. Then, last year, I decided that it didn't fit in with the Columbus Marathon training so I didn't do it then either. I thought about doing it this year, but alas.....

The marathon finisher with my hubby and kids!

This year my brother in law decided that he was going to complete his first full marathon in Akron. In addition, my SIL was doing the half and this would be her "comeback" race after a nasty ankle injury from last November. As a result, I decided that we all had to be there to cheer them on. Then, my sister told me that she was participating in the relay as well. This would be her first ever race and I definitely wanted to be there to support her for that as well. 

So the family and I headed out to Akron on Saturday morning to do some awesome spectating.....

Not the most flattering picture, but an official Akron Marathon pic! 

I had an absolute blast spectating this event. But, for the amount of fun I had doing it, I had even more emotions surrounding it. I can only imagine what the emotions would be if this was an event I do every year (like when I spectated at the Cleveland Marathon in May). What surprised me was how awesome Mary was at spectating....and how much she really seemed to enjoy it. I decided at that moment to go to Columbus in a few weeks to cheer on SIL and Adrienne as they complete the half marathon that I was supposed to be completing.  

Go SIL Go! 

After spending the morning spectating and the day before going to the expo with SIL, I realized how much I've missed participating in these events. It was tough in May when I spectated the Cleveland Marathon, but this event actually resulted in more emotions for me. I felt sad that I couldn't be participating, but mostly motivated to get back on track. Angry with myself that I've "let myself go" so much, but trying to stay positive and focus on the motivation it was giving me.

Waiting for my sister to finish her relay leg

I decided after last Saturday that it was time to start on my comeback. I don't know that I'll be able to actually complete this comeback, but there's no reason not to try. The prednisone and probiotic have helped to make me feel the best I've felt this year which gives me hope that the Humira will work because perhaps it won't have as much work to do! While I'm waiting to see if the Humira will work there is no reason why I can't start my comeback. If the Humira doesn't work, we'll know within the next 8 weeks....and we'll cross that bridge when we get there. But if it DOES work, I'm 8 weeks closer to my comeback! I'll be finished with the C25k program and on my way to a 10k.

So there you have it....I'm officially calling this a comeback. Positive thoughts and prayers are welcomed that the Humira actually works and this damn disease goes back into remission for many, many years!

What a Difference a Year Makes.....

This time last year I was starting the taper for my first ever marathon.

On October 1st, 2012 I ran 3 miles on the treadmill with no walk breaks in a pace around 11:45 min/mile (which for me was/is a pretty decent pace). I was feeling nervous about the fact that my last long run that was supposed to be 24 miles ended up being only 16.4 because I just wasn't feeling it. On October 2nd, I wrote this blog post thanking my mom for being an awesome support.

It's no secret that this year has been tough for me. Today I realized just how tough it's been. Today, October 1st, 2013 I was excited because I completed Week 1 Day 1 of the Couch to 5k program. Yes. One year ago today I was 20 days away from completing my first marathon. Today, I was happy to run/walk VERY slowly for 25 minutes on the treadmill.

The good news
It's so easy for me to be negative. Of course it didn't take me long to figure out the above information...the fact that 1 year ago I was getting ready to complete 26.2 miles and today I "only" did 1.486 miles....in 25 minutes. However, I was able to find some positivity in today's run. So here it is.....even though I decided to start small; it felt easier than I thought it would. I feel like I'm starting from square one. I'm back to being only a few measly pounds from my highest weight and I am probably 10lbs heavier than when I've started running before. But, after completing today's run I don't really think I'm starting from the beginning.

I can remember back in 2007 when I first started to try running. I found the couch to 5k program and decided to try it to run a 5k in June. This was my first ever 5k and funny enough - is still currently my personal record for the distance (35:03). I ran the entire thing with no walk breaks and felt awesome. However, I remember the very first day of the couch to 5k program. On the first day you warm up for 5 minutes, run for 1 min and walk for 1.5 minutes. I remember thinking that 1 minute felt like an eternity. I remember feeling huge and feeling like it took SO much energy to move my body at a "run" for that long. I don't remember what I set the treadmill at, but I know it was no faster than where I had it set today. I also think I weighed 10-15lbs LESS than I do today.

But today it felt EASY. Every time the app told me to slow down to walk I kept thinking...that's it? I could keep going! When the workout was over I felt amazing. I felt like I could easily have kept going and actually wondered if perhaps I should have pushed my pace a bit. However, I'm not interested in pushing myself too hard. I'm still not in a stable place with my health and I don't want to stress my body too much. Anyway, I was happy to know that I haven't lost every ounce of fitness that I worked so hard to build over the last few years.

So there it is. I completed a marathon in October of last year and today I started the couch to 5k program to get me back into running. Let's just hope my health continues to get better so I can continue on this path.

Look What I Did...

O.M.G....look what I just did....

Dear Kim Hatcher, Congratulations, you have made the COMMITMENT and are registered for the 2013 Nationwide Children's Hospital Columbus Marathon & 1/2 Marathon!  Yup. I signed up for the HALF marathon today! Crazy, right??  Well, I've been struggling to get back on track all year. It took me until the end of March to start to feel human again after the horrible Crohn's flare of 2013 (it was really 2012, but since I didn't end up in the hospital until this year I'll just call it 2013). After starting to feel human again, I decided that I needed to get back on track so that I could lose the weight I was gaining (due to emotional eating and steroids...bad combination) and gain back the fitness I had lost!  As you know from my previous posts, this has continued to be a struggle all year. In April I started running again and was doing pretty well. However, we then started a project to re-do our patio, and I stopped doing any other forms of exercise. But trust me, I was still working out. That patio was some serious work.  But it's so pretty now, right?!?! Then the patio project ended and once again I found myself struggling to get back on track. The first week of the patio project I actually lost almost 5lbs! I was tracking my food using Weight Watchers and since I was burning a ton of calories doing physical labor for 7 hours a day, I was still able to eat a ton. Makes it pretty easy to feel like I'm back on track. But, in reality I wasn't since when the patio was done I still was eating like I was doing physical labor 7 hours a day!  A few weeks ago the Columbus Marathon posted the race medals and shirts for this year's race. I was mad (not really) because both the medals and shirts are much cooler than last year! I thought...how cool would it have been for me to be doing my first marathon this year! Well, not cool at all actually since that would mean I wouldn't have been able to do it as a result of my illness. Duh!  Then one day when my SIL and I were together she asked if I saw the medals for the Columbus Marathon this year. She then asked if I wanted to do the half. I told her that I was thinking about it, but was not sure that I could get to 13.1 by October.  Of course that means that I then started to look into how many weeks away the race was and what kind of training program I might be able to do in that amount of time. I made a training plan starting with my long run being only 3 miles. I quickly saw that 14 weeks would theoretically be plenty of time to get to 13.1.  I still wasn't confident that I could do it though. I am now in week 3 of training and I'm feeling much better. Clearly I'm feeling more confident since today I decided to just do it and register. No better way to get back on track than to have a goal in the very near future to shoot for. This has seemed to help me in the past and I'm counting on it now. So far it seems to be doing the trick. I am day 3 into tracking my food (again) and am doing AWESOME! I'm feeling great. I'm feeling motivated and confident that I can do this. It's done now. I'm signed up so I'm doing it.  Time for me to get serious and get my fitness back!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions....

I tend to do this when I'm gearing up to really cut the bull and just DO IT. However, leading up to that time period drives me insane!

Let me explain...

When I am trying to get myself back on track I start to think about all the different weight loss options out there. I think I am grasping at straws trying to find the one that I haven't tried yet that will be the magic "pill" to help me to finally lose ALL my weight and keep it off. Problem is...there isn't a magic pill...literally and figuratively. Let me specify, however, when I say I try to find a weight loss option I haven't tried, I am NOT actually talking about pills. I made a decision long ago to not try any of that stuff.

This time is no different. I have been trying to get back on track since probably about April...when I finally started to feel better from this Crohn's flare. Well, it's now July and I have YET to get back on track. As a matter of fact, I've GAINED 4.6lbs since trying to get back on track in mid-April. Every week I try to start over. Some weeks I last the entire week, some I last a day or so and some I last a mere few hours. It appears that although Weight Watchers SOUNDS easiest to me right now, it's not. For whatever reason it's not working for me. I'm sorry...I should say I'm not working it right now. It's not that WW doesn't work..it does...but I have to do it. And that's not currently happening.

So when I start my horrible habit of over-analyzing, I realize that just because I'm spending money on something does NOT make it motivating. I realize that when I lost the 40lbs I previously lost, I did it with Sparkpeople (which is a free website). That is also the most amount of weight I have ever lost in my life. However, instead of deciding to just go back to Sparkpeople, I start to think about what ELSE I can do. I started looking into the Fitbit Flex, the Jawbone UP, and the bodymedia armband (which I actually already have). I start to get overly crazy with trying to find a device that is going to tell me exactly how many calories I'm burning so I can obsess over how many calories to eat so that I can have a nice calorie deficit and therefore lose weight. However, what it really comes down to is that if I count calories (or points or whatever), and even ESTIMATE the calories burned from exercise, chances are I will lose weight! I think the truth of the matter is that I'm trying to find something that will tell me I'm burning like 4000 calories a day so I can somehow still eat 3000 calories a day and lose weight! Well, guess what....that's not gonna happen!

I had a lengthy discussion with my husband last night about all of this. I've been going back and forth with it for the last few days. And here is the decision I finally made: to STOP being such a dumb ass and just DO IT already! ARGH!!!! I drive myself insane.

I canceled my WW subscription today. I am not going to put another dime into some sort of weight loss program until I commit to myself to actually lose weight. Seems silly to say - but truly, there is no reason to pay money to lose the weight. If money is a motivating factor to people, than more power to them. It's obviously not for me or I'd weight about 95lbs by now. I would never want to add up all the money I've spent over the years on weight loss products (I do not count things like new running shoes, workout clothes, or race entry fees into this, however).

I was going to start with counting calories through Sparkpeople, but discovered that the mobile app costs $3.99. I was going to go ahead and buy it, but then decided to stick to my NO more money idea. My Fitness Pal is a FREE website that (as far as I can tell) is very similar to Sparkpeople. The difference is that the mobile app is FREE as well! So, the decision has been made. It starts tomorrow. I am committing at least 3 months to trying ONE thing. I will be tracking my calories (both eaten and burned) on My Fitness Pal for the next 3 months (hopefully more). I will NOT make a decision to change to a different program until I've given this a chance to work. That being said..the only way it's gonna work is if I work it!

And here I go again!

Oh...and Happy 4th!

Fall down 99 times.....

........get up 100, right?!?!

That's the idea.

But right now I'm feeling like I can't get up. I will get up because I always do, but I wonder at what point will I say enough is enough and STOP falling in the first place!

I wait to write a blog post until I actually believe that I'm going to get back on track and stay that way for more than a day (or a week). I don't want to make a total fool of myself on the world wide web and keep posting these entries that claim I'M BACK to only go back on that the very next blog post.

But alas...here I am again. Perhaps my short-comings can help someone else out there. Perhaps the fact that I keep coming back to say...."oops, I messed up again"...will tell someone else they aren't alone.

I like reading blogs because it helps me to realize that I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one out there who struggles with their weight. I'm not the only one who claims to want something, but yet doesn't work hard enough for long enough to get it. I'm not the only one who falls down 99 times and wonders if she'll get up that 100th time.

I would like to change my equation. What's the old saying?? 2 steps forward; 1 step back?? Yea, well lately it's been more like 1 step forward; 5 steps back; I would like to take about 1,000 steps forward and then maybe one step back! But right now I'd be happy with 2 steps forward; 1 step back....as long as it continues that way for longer than a week!

I've been busy lately. Weird, since I quit my job in January!

I mentioned in my last post about building a new patio. Thanks to my amazing family this project is done. The background of this project is that we didn't used to have a patio off the deck at all; but about 2 years ago we had a very wet spring and a very wet area right off the deck. We were getting rid of old masonry sand that we had put in our sandbox and our neighbors had flagstone they weren't using. It resulted in an impromptu patio project over Memorial Day weekend. We did nothing right. We literally threw sand over the grass and laid the flagstone. Here is what that looks like 2 years later after it's really settled and the grass starts growing in around it.

May 2013 - BEFORE

 This year we decided we wanted to rip up the old patio and do it right. Our yard slopes.....a LOT. We knew we would have to dig to level the area, but had no idea what an undertaking it would be.

The kids even got involved!

After about 2 weeks straight of work, the patio was completed last weekend. Working on the patio was GREAT for my weight loss for about 5 days. In the 5 days that I was working 7 hours a day on that patio, I lost 5lbs. I was tracking what I was eating and was staying well within my points. Not hard to do when you're earning 20 activity points doing physical labor!

The beautiful finished product - June 2013!

However, it only takes about 2 days of eating like crazy (and drinking wine) and 1 day of NO activity to trump all that I had done during the week. My weigh in Monday was not nearly as good as it should have been had I kept my eating in check. I was down 2.8lbs. Not terrible. Still down, but not nearly what I wanted or should have had if I would have continued tracking and keeping my food in check instead of saying "screw it"!

And I have yet to get back on track this week! As of this morning I'm up another 1.6lbs, which puts me almost back to my re-starting weight. Sigh.....

I need to get up this 100th time and stay up for a little longer than 5 days. There are many things I want to do that would just be easier without some of this weight. I need to realize that the weight isn't going to go anywhere if I don't do something about it. And I need to start doing something about it soon......

I Miss It....

I miss waking up before my entire family on a Sunday morning to meet my sister in law and run.

I miss running in the pouring down rain with my mom riding her bike next to me (for 18 miles!) so I don't have to train for my first marathon by myself.

I miss PRing at (almost) every race.

I miss participating in races.

I really want to add lots more medals!

So you might think it would be easy to just get back on track, right?? I mean, if you miss something you usually do the work to get it back.

Unfortunately for me it isn't turning out to be that easy.

It might have been easy if I would have gotten back on the bandwagon sooner. But I didn't. I have now gained back 36.2 of the 40 pounds I had once lost. I suppose the good news is that I was at my lowest in November 2011 and it is June 2013. So it has taken me 1.5 years to gain back the weight and I am getting my butt in gear before I gain back each pound + 10 more. That is a good thing, however, the fact that I once again let myself get this big is not OK. I am not comfortable. I am not happy with myself and I cannot do the things I had worked so hard to get myself to do!

And therein lies the problem with missing it. There is the answer to why is it so hard to get it back?!?! It's because I can't do the things I could do even 20lbs ago. I'm starting at square 1. It's a hard pill to swallow when you worked so hard to get somewhere and then threw it all away.

I found LOTS of excuses!

Sure, I can blame some of it on the horrible Crohn's flare. I can even blame some more of it on the extended need for Prednisone (which I am FINALLY off of). But the rest of it is due to my emotional eating. It's due to the fact that I used the flare and medications and recent life events (that's another blog post in itself) as an excuse.

Once again I am starting over. I realize this blog post sounds quite familiar to this one back on April 1st., but it is what it is. Today was another day 1 and it was a picture perfect day! I am currently allowed 35 PP (that's points plus) a day. I ended my day at 34 points. I earned 6 AP (activity points) with the digging I did for the patio we're building. I have already planned out most of my food for tomorrow and plan to spend a good portion of the day digging again.

One more thing before I end this post. I discussed in this post back in April about training for a sprint tri in Vermillion in August. I have a friend who is planning to do her first Olympic tri at this same event. This is the ONLY reason I'm still even considering it. I'm struggling with whether or not to do this. I haven't done the training and, like I've already mentioned, have gained back almost all my weight. A decision hasn't been made yet, but I almost wonder if I should wait until I get some of this weight back off before I try to do these things again. But then I think, why?? I never waited before! So, we'll see what happens. But, that's what this blog is about.....my journey to "just" fit....and a journey it will be!

To 10k or Not to 10k

Happy Monday and the start of another week! I last left you with the fact that I was struggling through last week. I was able to hold it together until Saturday. I crashed and burned on Saturday and Sunday. I didn't do TOO much damage, but it did result in the scale going in the wrong direction today.

Weigh in for this week.....+1.6 lbs. Not great, but still a net loss of 2 lbs since refocusing so I'm over it. The good news is that I did still workout 5 days last week, with several of those workouts lasting 45 minutes to an hour. I really feel like I'm back when it comes to my activity level so that makes me happy.

As I also mentioned in my last post, I've already started adding back in run intervals during my walks. Last week I built back up to a 2/2 interval and completed 4 miles in 62 minutes (yes, it is VERY slow...I realize). Today I got on the treadmill and did 2/1 intervals. I was able to finish 4.15 miles in 60 minutes so a nice improvement from Friday (the last time I ran).

Last week it started to dawn on me that perhaps I could actually still handle participating in one event during the Cleveland Marathon. I have done this race the last 2 years (the half marathon both times) and was planning to do the half marathon again this year. Then January happened and that all came crumbling down. My illness took so much out of me, that I didn't even think the 10k would be a viable option. However, now that I've resumed my activity I'm thinking I might be able to do the 10k.

2011

It would obviously be slow. But, really, this isn't that much different than usual for me. Last summer when I completed my first Olympic distance triathlon, I completed the run portion (a 10k) in 1:35:31. My best (and only other) 10k time is 1:17:xx and I would be targeting around 1:30:xx for this 10k as my first race back. The race is 3 weeks from yesterday. I ran/walked 4 miles both Friday and today. That means I only have to build up 2 more miles in the next 3 weeks. I think I can totally do that considering I've built from 0 to 4 miles in 2 weeks. I mean, I really just started exercising again 2 weeks ago. In those 2 weeks I went from walking a 5k in 60 minutes to run/walking over 4 miles in those same 60 minutes. I have been pleasantly surprised at how easily the fitness is coming back. Sure, I'm slow...but I've always been slow. I will likely continue to be slow until this weight comes off and I'm actually starting to be OK with that. At least I'm doing it.

2012

What's the worst that could happen?? I don't finish for some reason. I don't really see that happening. Since the 10k is part of the half and full marathons, I don't even think there is a time cut-off, but even if there is it would usually be around a 16 min/mile....that would be just under 1:40. I truly believe that if I could do a full marathon at less than a 15 min/mile, I can do this 10k in less than a 16 m/m. Yes, I'm bigger than I want to be, but I'm only 7lbs more than when I completed the half marathon in Cleveland 2 years ago. I crossed that finish line in 2:56:33 (13:28 m/m).

The more I write, the more I think my decision is made. I guess only time will tell. You'll have to wait until May 19th to find out what I decided!

But, tell me your thoughts....should I do the 10k in 3 weeks??

Working my way back

Last week was a successful week! I tracked the entire week, stayed within my points and earned 31 activity points by working out 5 days. I didn't necessarily follow my training plan, but I did something 5 out of 7 days, and for that I'm proud.

Planned week:

15	16	17	18	19	20	21
Swim 100 yds. Walk 20 min.	Bike 2 miles	Swim 100 yds Walk 20 min		Swim 100 yds Bike 2 miles	Walk 25 min	Bike 2 miles

Actual week:

15	16	17	18	19	20	21
Walked 3.1 miles on treadmill in 60 min.	Treadmill 30 min 1.5 miles	Walk 45 min outside	Bike 8 miles in 46 minutes			Walk 30 min outside

Lots of walking....one day of riding and no swimming. I definitely need to get back into swimming soon. I'm not a fast swimmer (I'm clearly not a fast anything), but swimming has always been my strongest part of the triathlon. As a result, I'm not too concerned about building back up to a sprint distance swim. I'm still 16 weeks out from the triathlon, which is plenty of time for me to build up my swim to 750 meters. Perhaps my focus next week will be to get at least one day of swimming in.

And the result of a successful week back on track?!?! A 3.6 lb weight loss. I'll take it!

_________________________________________________________
This week has been a little more of a challenge. I feel like I am keeping myself held together by a thread. It's Wednesday and the bad news is that I've already used a huge chunk of my weekly points. The good news is that I've also already earned 30 activity points (2 hours of yard work adds up quickly!) However, if I only have 16 weekly points remaining, that means in 2 days I've eaten all 30 of my activity points, plus 33 of my weekly points. Here's where my mind starts making things difficult for me. I feel like I'm doing something "wrong"; that I'm being "bad" because I've eaten so many extra points each day. However, I'm still within my points. I earned those activity points and I still have weekly points remaining. It's also only Wednesday, which means I'm going to earn more activity points as well. There's no reason to think that just because I ate more these last 2 days, that I'll fall off the wagon this week. But this is the fight I have within me right now. The devil is telling me to just throw in the towel for the rest of the week and get back on track next week. BUT THAT IS STUPID!!!! I can easily lose weight again this week if I just stick to the plan. Continue tracking, continue exercising, and stay within my points. This really doesn't have to be this hard. Sure, I usually like to save my weekly points for the weekend so I can splurge a little on the weekends, but that just can't happen this week and that's OK.

On a positive note....guess what I did Monday?!?! I incorporated running intervals during my walk! And what's even better?? It felt awesome! I actually felt like I probably could have done more, but decided not to push it. I did 1/2 intervals (so 1 min run/2 min walk) after a 5 minute warm up. I am actually quite surprised at how quickly my fitness is coming back. It makes me hopeful for what I might be able to accomplish when I get this weight off of me. Of course the only way to do that is to stay on track! And that's what I plan to do!