22 Days......

Can you even believe we only have 22 days remaining in 2019???

It's also been 5 months since I blogged. Oops!

When I opened my blog up today I saw that I had started a post back in August about how old habits are SO hard to break. I was talking all about how I was continuing to struggle with my eating habits. That was August and not much has changed since then.

I have been doing a ton of soul searching this summer/fall and I have come to the conclusion that what I need to continue to work on is believing that the way I do this weight loss thing is "right". I continue to get sucked into the negative thoughts that tell me I am failing because I'm not losing weight month after month. And interestingly, when I feel like I'm failing, I have an even harder time getting myself back on track. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe I'm failing so then I make sure that happens. It's not a conscious thing, but clearly that's what is happening.

But you know what I tend to forget? What has changed from the past is that even when I feel like I'm failing, I never give up. I never get to a point where I even think about just "throwing in the towel" and trying to "just be happy being the fat girl". I totally used to tell myself that when I felt like I couldn't lose the weight. I'm not done and I frankly won't ever be "done". I think it's that thought process that has helped me make the changes I've made over the last 5 years; and it's that thought process I need to focus on.

I took this pic in Aug.
That measuring tape is showing where
my waist measurement was at my highest weight.

If I try to actually shift my thought process to truly believe that the way I've been losing weight is just fine, then those feelings of guilt when I gain back some weight will go away. And if that happens, perhaps I won't have quite so many months in a year where I gain. Or perhaps I'll gain less weight during those months. Or maybe nothing will change with my rate of weight loss, but I'll be happier through the process and that's what matters.

Whatever it is that I've been doing has helped me to start each year at a lower weight than the year before. I'm still on that trend. I will absolutely start 2020 lighter than I started 2019. It won't be by 22 pounds like it was last year, but who cares? Will I ever actually hit 100 pounds lost? I don't know. Maybe I won't. Or maybe it'll take me the next 5 years to lose the rest of the weight. What does it matter? It doesn't. Let me repeat this for myself: It does not matter how long it takes to reach 100 pounds lost. Better yet, I don't need to reach 100 pounds lost to consider myself successful. I am already successful. And every year that I weigh less than the year before is a win.

I took this pic last Friday to show myself that
it doesn't always matter what the scale says.
I may be up from my lowest this year, but
I wore this sweatshirt for the first time
Friday because prior to that it didn't fit. 

So, as we finish off 2019 I am going to continue to work on my mind. I also think I'm going to start blogging more. I tend to forget how much this blog helps me. I love going back and reading my posts. I re-read this one yesterday about calling it a lifestyle change. It helped to remind me that in May I was believing that this "lifestyle change" was the right one for me. Then why do I so quickly forget that and go back to being hard on myself? I don't know. But that is what I am working on changing now.

Well HELLO There

It has been a hot minute since I have blogged.

But it's now time for me to check in and get myself back on track.

I have had LOTS of fun in May and June and also threw my healthy eating out the window. Something that I am learning in my journey though is that IT'S OK. I do still get frustrated with myself because I find myself doing stupid things that I wish I wouldn't want to do. For example, I still get into that all or nothing mindset. The one thing that has changed though is that even when I get into my all or nothing thinking with my food choices, I continue to workout. In the past, that all or nothing thinking would also mean no real exercise happening. So the good news is that I have continued to workout 5-6 days a week. Both the kids have also decided to join me on various workouts this summer which is super fun.

We did a relatively small vacation in June when we went to Hersheypark for a few days. It was no Disney, but we had a good time.

If you go to Hershey you should definitely do the Trolley tour

The NSV's never get old when I do things like go to amusement parks. I never imagined that I would ever be someone who had to worry about fitting on a ride, but that was what I had become. It's amazing how different going to an amusement park is when you no longer have to worry about that. But, it's also interesting because I still have a level of anxiety wondering if I am, in fact, "small enough" to comfortably fit into rides.

Another NSV that happened for the first time last year when we went to Disney, was the fact that I didn't mind being in all the pictures that Mary wanted to take. With things like Snapchat, teenagers are constantly taking pics and sending them to their friends. I not only love the fact that my teenage daughter wants me to be in these pics, but I love that I truly want to be in the pics with her.

Of course there is the part of me that beats myself up for gaining back 10lbs over the last couple months; but the positive side of me tends to win this argument. Yes, of course it's annoying that I let myself gain back 10lbs from the lowest that I hit on May 5th. But once again I picked a number that was my aha number. The number that when I see the scale get there means I need to stop the stupidity and get back on track (and that number was considerably less than my old aha number). The scale is there now and as of yesterday I decided I need to get back to it to lose these 10 pounds and to keep going. I still have at least 25 pounds I want to lose (from that lowest weight); so it's not like when I re-lose these 10 pounds that I'll be back to my goal weight.

Last summer I lost and re-gained the same few pounds. I continued on that trend through the end of the year. By January 1st I had re-gained about 11 pounds from the lowest weight I had hit in 2018. One of my biggest goals for this year was to actually continue to lose weight during the 2nd part of the year. For the last couple years I do really well from January til May and then basically maintain my weight until the end of the year when I pack on those lovely holiday pounds.

I have no doubt I will continue to gain weight the last couple weeks of every year because I just don't see my behavior changing (I mean, it hasn't yet). I'm OK with that. I hope that I can continue to make small changes to my behavior so that I gain less weight, but I know I'll be heavier January 1st than I was December 1st pretty much every year and I'm OK with that. However, what I would like to accomplish this year is that the weight on January 1st is still at least less than what my weight was on May 5th.

Ok, so that means I need to lose the 10 pounds I've already re-gained from that lowest weight and then work on losing a fair amount more (lets say at least another 10-15 pounds) so that at WORST CASE SCENARIO I weigh a few pounds less on Jan 1st than I did on May 5th.

January 1st 2017 my weight was 13.8 pounds above the lowest weight I had hit during 2016 (which I hit in July).

January 1st 2018 my weight was 13.3 pounds above the lowest weight I had hit during 2017 (which I had hit in May).

January 1st 2019 my weight was 11.2 pounds above the lowest weight I had hit during 2018 (Which I had hit in November, but from May to November I had lost about 1 pound - so really I had hit that low weight also in May).

I've gotten better with how much I gain back,  but I want to get even better this year. Not only that, but I'd like my lowest weight of the year to be closer to the end of the year than May (or even July). I'd love to be able to say my lowest weight of the year was some time in December.

I gained weight both May and June and I would like that to stop now. I suppose the good news is that it took me 2 months to gain what I lost in 1 month (April) so that's something. But, the goal now is to re-lose that weight and continue on with losing more so I can hit a new low weight some time during the last 6 months of this year. I'm not going to stress myself with trying to lose all this re-gained weight in one month. I just need to get back to being more consistent and stop with the all or nothing thinking. I have plenty of room in my diet to eat less than  healthy things and still lose weight. I need to once again find that happy medium. I'll find it. I know I will. One thing I have learned is that eventually I figure it out and more weight comes off. Perhaps I'll blogging more through this 2nd half of the year hoping that it keeps me on track. Only time will tell, but I do know this; I will NOT gain back all the weight that I lost. I will keep fighting the fight and doing what I can to eventually get to where I want to be.

Blossom Time Run 2019

I have lived within 30 minutes (or less) of Chagrin Falls my entire life (well, aside from when I was away at college); and I have never done the Blossom Time Run. I have heard horror stories about how hard this course is and since it's always on Memorial Day weekend and a late start (9AM), I've never really been tempted. I usually have some other excuse like being on vacation or something, but this year, I decided, would be the year to try it.

Living Lean always participates in Blossom Time weekend by spectating for the race (and several members participate in the race) and then being part of the parade as well. I wasn't able to join in on the fun last year because we were at Disney, but I was excited to do it this year. A bunch of us met at Mark's house in the morning and the people doing the race walked to the start in time for the 9 AM start. 

The race is 5.25 miles long and the course is as brutal as everyone says it is. I was hoping the rain might hold off, but about 3 minutes after the race started the rain started......and it didn't stop until the race was done. The rain didn't really bother me because it definitely helped with what could have been a horribly hot and sticky race. I decided to set my watch for 3/30 intervals (so 3 min run, 30 sec walk). I figured since I rarely used my entire minute walk breaks during the 10k last weekend that I'd be OK. There were a couple of times that I actually ran through my walk break because it was a much coveted downhill and I didn't want to waste walking then! I did walk for a little longer than my 30 second walk break a couple of times because the hills were definitely killer by the end. 

It was so fun to run past all the Living Leaners right around the 5 mile mark. I knew I was almost done and they gave me that last boost I needed. I was also quite happy because according to my Garmin I was going to finish this race with an average pace that was UNDER a 12 minute/mile!! I was right. I crossed the finish line at 1:01:23, which amounts to a 11:42 m/m! WHAT?!?! Even though it was raining the weather was better than last week, but it was definitely hillier than last week so the fact that I was that much faster made me so very happy! 

I love this picture that Leslie caught of me. After the race I walked back to Mark's house and met up with the other Living Leaners who had either spectated or raced. I was obviously happy to be done and was proud of myself for what I had accomplished. I was soaked,  but felt really good! 

Later that day I got to be on the float for the parade and had a blast doing that as well. It rained again during the parade, but it didn't take anything away from the experience. I definitely look forward to doing it again next year.....and of course you know I'll be looking for a new PR on that course! 

Goal Weight

When you're on a weight loss journey people like to ask questions. Sometimes the questions are about how long it has taken you to lose weight; sometimes the questions are about how much weight you have lost; sometimes the questions are about how much more you want to lose.

I don't mind questions. Obviously. I blog about my weight loss journey in the hopes that my experiences can help even one person reach their own goals. However, there is one question that I just can't answer.

"What is your GOAL WEIGHT?" 

The answer I usually give is, "I don't know". I'll get more detailed with that answer today. 

For the longest time I would say that I didn't know, because I was still so far away from any number I would even think about using as a "goal weight". I can remember at one time I even thought that perhaps my goal weight would be as high as 175. I've blogged about the fact that perhaps I would be happy in a comfortable size 12 (or even 14). Well, I've met those goals and I can tell you that I'm not yet at my goal weight. 

I still do struggle with wanting to come up with an actual number as my goal weight. I want to believe that I will hit some arbitrary number and all of the sudden I will be perfectly happy with everything about my body. Let's be real. That isn't going to happen. Being happy with how my body looks is not going to happen because of some number. There's a lot more work that needs to be done to get to that point. 

When you think about it, it's really not easy to come up with a "final" goal number. I've thought about using things other than the scale to determine my final goal, but that doesn't really work either. I could say that my final goal is to wear a certain size, but given how women's clothing sizes change that isn't a great tool to use. I've blogged about this before, but just the other day I tried on a pair of shorts at Old Navy; they were a size 10 and I couldn't even get them all the way up. I then came home and tried on a pair of my sisters' shorts that she had given me last year. They were also Old Navy brand and they were a size 8....and they fit! So, trying to reach for a certain size won't really tell me anything about whether or not I'm healthy.

Healthy. That's another interesting concept. What's the definition of healthy? Remember the time I blogged about my numbers back in 2012? That was when my cholesterol and blood pressure numbers were pretty much as healthy as any doctor would want. But I weighed over 200 pounds so everyone would assume I was not healthy when they looked at me. So just saying that I want to be healthy doesn't work for me either because, really, what the heck does that mean? 

Of course there is always the lovely BMI chart to help determine what a reasonable goal weight might be for someone. I may not completely agree with BMI, but I'm starting to believe that it is not a bad tool to use to figure out what might be a reasonable number to strive for. My issue is not getting hung up on that number. I don't want to get sucked back into that not good enough thinking; that if I don't hit that number it means I haven't succeeded. 

OK, so what's my goal then? I stand firm on the I don't know answer. I have been giving myself goals along the way. My first goal was to get below 200. I met that in April 2018. My second goal was to get to 175, which would put me in the overweight category on the BMI chart instead of obese. I hit that goal on May 5th. 

The next number I am going to focus on is 150.6. You're probably thinking that's kind of a weird number, but that number would mean I have lost exactly 100 pounds from my absolute highest weight ever recorded. I am not declaring this as my goal weight, however, because I am not sure that will be a place I can maintain. If you remember, I've talked about the fact that I have not gotten down to 150 pounds since I started documenting my weight. In 2002 I got down to about 152 pounds, but I don't think I was at that weight for that long before I started creeping back up into the 160's. And, if you recall from that same numbers post in 2012, I talked about the fact that my doctor at the time said she thought a good weight range for me would be 145-160. I want to get to 150, but maybe when I hit that I'll want to see if I can get down to 145. Or, maybe I decide I don't get to live my life quite the way I want to at 150 so I let myself get closer to 160. I won't know until I get there. 

So that's it. My next goal is to hit 150.6 and then I will go from there. The fact of the matter is my journey will never hit an end point anyway. When I hit that number I will have to continue doing what I have been doing in order to stay down there. Sure, I'll be able to have a little more freedom with my food, but not much. So my goal weight doesn't really matter because my life is not going to change much from where it is now and where it has been for the last couple years.  

2019 Rite Aid Cleveland Marathon - 10K Race Report

Writing race reports again never gets old. I continue to feel lucky and blessed that I am healthy enough to be back to doing the things that I love. It's kind of appropriate that yesterday was also World IBD Day. I love that I was spending World IBD Day running a 10k instead of sick in my bed or in the hospital fighting a bad flare up of my Crohn's.

On Friday my sister in law and I headed downtown to pick up our packets for the 10k. The picture to the right was kind of funny. My SIL decided to take a picture of terminal tower to send to some of her friends on snapchat. I couldn't tell if she was taking a picture of terminal tower or if she was taking a selfie so I was just kind of standing there waiting for her. She then said, you can be in it; so I did a quick little silly pose. She sent it to her friends and everyone was commenting back with how good I looked. It definitely made me feel great and I decided it was a super cute pic!

Sunday morning we headed downtown around 5:30 AM and we were there in plenty of time. It's funny how things have changed over the years. The race information said you should be heading to your corral by 6 AM (for a 7 AM start). In the past we would have been standing in those corrals for that hour. Yesterday we got there right around 6, but we sat in the car for a little bit; then we went into Tower City to use a regular bathroom; eventually we were heading to our corral and it was probably about 6:45.

It was definitely crowded again. I have to say that the start was a little disappointing as compared to previous years. Usually they will do the National Anthem and even being in the last corral you can hear it. If they did it yesterday I did not hear it. In the past I could also usually hear the starting horn, but not this year. I did see some smoke up at the start line and then we gradually started moving, but it was very anti-climatic.

Last year I was able to get a new 10k PR, but the weather was significantly different and I wasn't really sure where that PR came from! I was surprised that I ran as fast as I did last year so I wasn't really sure if hoping for a PR yesterday was realistic. I told SIL my hopes of getting another PR and told her what time I needed to beat in order to get that PR. She was awesome in helping to push me to get that PR! The fact that I was able to run my fastest 10k in the heat yesterday is absolutely amazing to me. I can't even imagine what I might have been able to do if the weather was more similar to last year.

The heat definitely made it a tough race,  but I was able to push through way easier than I ever have before. I can still remember in 2012 when the weather was pretty similar to yesterday. I was doing the half marathon that year and probably weighed 30+ pounds more than I do now. That race ended up being my 2nd slowest half marathon and I was totally miserable the entire time. I would not describe myself as miserable at all yesterday. Hot? Yes. Tired? Sure. But not miserable.

Determined. Confident. Happy. Those are better words to describe how I was feeling yesterday.

I had my watch set for the 3/1 intervals I have been doing (outside, I've been running with no walk breaks on the treadmill). By the end of the race I think I only used that full minute walk break twice. The first walk break I decided to just run through because it was still very crowded and we were kind of forced to run at a slightly slower pace than I usually run. I decided that since the crowd was helping me to pace slower I could probably maintain that pace for a little longer before needing a walk break. The next walk break I walked and commented that 1 minute is really a long time. Margie and I decided at that point that I wouldn't necessarily use the entire minute walk break next time and I would just walk long enough to get my heart rate down a little and recover my breathing.

Cleveland 10k selfie comparison from 2018 to 2019. 

Throughout the race if we were running downhill and my watch beeped to walk I would ignore it. I would then try to keep running until my next walk break, which I did. There was even one time when we were approaching the horrible hill between miles 4 and 5 when I confused Margie because the incline had started but we were still running (more like shuffling, but not walking). I told her I was trying to run as long as I could because I knew the hill got worse a little farther up and I knew I'd have to walk that part of it. And when we were on that hill I did not see a single person running.

Our watches were obviously a little off from the mile markers so Margie's had already alerted her that we hit mile 5, but I wasn't even able to see the mile 5 marker yet. It was funny because she was pointing out that we had about 15 minutes to finish the last 1.2 in order to meet my goal, but I pointed out that we didn't really know how much farther since our watches were not in line with the official course. It didn't really matter though. I knew we were close and I knew that IF I got the PR it was going to be very close. I knew that I had basically no wiggle room. I couldn't be taking extra walk breaks and I needed to push it on my runs.

I did just that. I ran through several of my walk breaks during that last 1.2 miles. When I could see the finish line I was trying very hard to find that final push inside me. It took a while, but when we were in that very final stretch I was able to kick it in and push to the finish. I was pretty positive when I saw the clock that I had met my goal.

I continue to feel lucky to be healthy enough to do these races. When I read stories like the one about the 22 year old who collapsed yesterday and later died, that feeling of luck becomes even stronger. Yesterday's weather was no joke. The fact that I was not only able to just complete my race, but to do it in my fastest time yet is amazing to me. I don't take any of this for granted.

Not a PR for SIL, but I SO appreciate her pushing me to my PR! 

Official results = 6.2 miles in 1:14:57, that amounts to about a 12:03 m/m. You know what that means? My next 10k goal will be to complete the race with an average pace that's less than a 12 m/m! I do remember that last year I commented that one of the best things was that I felt like I could have kept going. That wasn't the case yesterday, but if we take away that heat who knows what I could have accomplished!

Lifestyle Change

That's the buzz concept, right?

"It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle"

Buckle in for this blog post because there is so much I want to say and I just hope that I'm not all over the place.

When I was looking for images to put in this post I came across this one which came from this site. This article is definitely one of the better ones regarding making a lifestyle change as opposed to dieting, but I still have my own opinions about this whole idea of making a lifestyle change. 

Is there anyone else out there who feels like the pressure of making a "permanent lifestyle change" is overwhelming? Do you feel like when people suggest you make a lifestyle change that means you should be "perfect" all the time and just all of the sudden want to make the healthiest of all choices? No?  That's just me? Because it has taken me years to realize that calling it a lifestyle change did more damage to me than not labeling it as anything. You can look back through my blog posts and I'll say diet, lifestyle change or whatever you want to call this. I stopped trying to label it because the fact of the matter is it's just my journey. 

The article that I linked above broke down the difference between a lifestyle change and a diet. Some of the things that defined a diet in the article were: weight is generally lost quickly over a set period of time, foods are characterized as good or bad, calories are greatly restricted, etc. The things that defined a lifestyle change were: eating healthy, nutritious foods to nourish your body; practicing moderation, not restriction; losing weight at a safe and healthy pace (1-2 pounds per week). 

Here's my problem with this. If it were easy for me to eat healthy, nutritious foods to nourish my body and practice moderation than I wouldn't be here in the first place. And, telling someone like me that my lifestyle should now focus on eating foods that nourish my body; I interpret that as having to only choose nutritious foods and I'm not doing well if I choose foods that aren't as nutritious. Don't get me wrong; I understand that the idea behind a lifestyle change is that you don't have to be perfect. But when someone tells me I have to change my entire lifestyle I see that as an overwhelming change to make. 

This same article had this graphic to depict why dieting is so unsuccessful. 

I don't disagree with this cycle, but let's talk about what happens when you go through the diet cycle, but never give up. What happens is that over time you will find that you have slowly but surely made that "lifestyle change". You'll find that the deprivation feeling isn't as serious or takes longer to surface. You'll find that those cravings become less severe (but, you probably will always have cravings and it's OK). You will also get to a point where it's not so much about "giving in, feeling guilty and starting over"; as it is about taking a break, not feeling any guilt (or trying really hard not to feel any guilt because there's nothing to feel guilty about), but then refocusing on your goals. You may also find that in the process of starting that diet you have made a habit of working out and that continues regardless of what is happening with your food choices. Why does no one talk about the fact that you may have to "diet" in order to figure out what that lifestyle looks like for you? 

Listen; you have to have a calorie deficit in order to lose weight. I don't care if you're eating the most nutritious foods there are; if you eat more calories than you burn you will not lose weight. When I see things that say it's not so much about the calories as it is about the type of food I want to scream. Again, I understand the point that is trying to be made. But, I really feel like the people who try to make those points are not people who have struggled with food in their own lives. Yes; your body will respond to 1000 calories of broccoli differently than it will to 1000 calories of gummy bears, but you can still lose weight if you eat less calories than you burn regardless of where those calories come from. 

Stay with me because I think people are going to disagree with that statement. 

Obviously losing weight is easier when you choose foods that have a lot of nutritional value. The physical aspect of losing weight is easier when you eat 1500 calories worth of fruits, veggies, lean meats, etc. But I think it's important for people to hear that the weight will still come off if you have a day (or a week or a month) where you fill those 1500 calories with less than stellar food choices. Sometimes the only way to teach someone moderation (and, let me tell you, if someone is trying to lose weight chances are they need to be taught moderation and can't just be told to "eat in moderation"), is to track and count your calories regardless of where those calories come from. 

It has taken me years to come to this conclusion and yet I still struggle with all of it. I struggle with wanting to eat for absolutely no reason. I struggle with feeling like what I've done is not good enough because I will periodically have days where all my calories come from crap foods. I struggle with feeling like I "should" have lost more body fat in those 16 weeks. But that's bullshit. Could I have lost more body fat in those 16 weeks? Absolutely. I could have completely restricted my calories the way I did during that last week. I could have made sure to only eat those super healthy, nutritious foods and cut things like carbs and sweets out; but for me that would not be a realistic lifestyle change. 

Even with allowing myself to eat basically whatever I want as long as I keep it within my calorie range; I struggle with wanting to just eat without thinking (which almost always means eating crap food and more calories than I burn). So you know what I do? Sometimes I just let myself have that time. Years ago that meant months of eating that way and gaining back weight. But now it usually means a few days and then I realize there's really no reason for that so I go back to tracking and staying in my calorie range. My hope is that these changes continue to happen. 

Even last year I stopped losing weight between May and the end of the year. But the difference was that I kept doing just enough so that I had only gained about 5 pounds during that time. Not to mention the fact that I broke my wrist in July and didn't let that stop my activity level. My hope is this year I do a little better. That's it. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to hit my goal weight in 2019. I don't have to lose weight every single month this year in order to feel good. What I have done has resulted in me losing 75 pounds and I am still going. This is my lifestyle change. This is something that I can see myself doing indefinitely. And that is what makes it the right thing for me. So remember, in order to be successful in weight loss you have to find what works for you! 

This is a reminder to myself; but also, if even one person reads this post and something clicks in their brain to help them on their journey I will be happy. And this was a long one so if you're still reading, thanks 😊

#NOEXCUSES LIFESTYLE CHALLENGE RESULTS!

I waited too long to do this post so now I feel like there's so much to say! You know how much I love my comparison photos, so be prepared because this post is going to have a lot of them!

Let's talk first about RESULTS.

From 16 wks with no alcohol to one in each hand

This year my starting stats on January 12th were:
Weight = 203.8
Body Fat % = 38.6%
Chest = 34.5"
Bust = 39"
Waist = 34"
Belly = 38"
Hips = 43.5"
Rt. Leg = 24"
Rt. Arm = 13"

And my stats on May 6th were:
Weight = 176
Body Fat % = 33.7%
Chest = 31 1/2" (-3")
Bust = 36 2/3" (-2 1/3")
Waist = 30" (-4")
Belly = 34" (-4")
Hips = 39 1/2" (-4")
Rt. Leg = 22 2/3 (-1 1/3")
Rt. Arm = 12 1/2" (-1/2")

In 16 weeks I lost 27.8 pounds, 4.9% body fat, and just over 19 inches. Wow.

My goal was to hit 175 pounds on my home scale and 176.5 or less on the Living Lean scale. On Sunday morning my scale was 174.8 (it went up to 175.2 on Monday, but whatever) and seeing as the LL scale was 176 I can officially say I MET MY GOAL! On a side note - I am  officially "only" overweight according to that lovely BMI scale. I may hate that damn measure of "health", but it is kind of exciting to no longer be considered obese when I have spent so many years in that category.

This next picture is not an easy one for me to post since I know that the majority of the people who read this blog know me in real life; but I'm going to post it anyway. Another goal that I had was these jeans. If you recall, I mentioned in this post that if I could zip these jeans up by the end of the 16 week challenge I wouldn't care what the scale said. Not only did the jeans zip up, but they are the jeans that I wore to the awards ceremony. These jeans did not even go all the way up in January. I honestly did not think those jeans would fit my by the end of 16 weeks.

Let's look at some other fun pictures now........

I love this comparison. I took that first picture when I first got that tank top back in February. The next picture was taken on Monday morning after I got back from my workout.

That 2016 pic was taken in March when I had joined an online 30 day challenge. I was exactly 10 pounds down from my absolute highest. The difference between these 2 pictures is 65 pounds. If you look closely at the pictures you can see that those shorts that were so tight in 2016 now have a gap on my thigh. The shirt looks like it's so much longer because it's not nearly as stretched out.

That first picture was the one that was taken at the 8 week awards ceremony last year (so March 2018) when I won the Most Improved award. I remember that when I looked at that picture that year the first thing I thought to myself was, "why am I still so fat". I'm happy to say that I did not think that when I looked at the pictures from this year's awards ceremony.

I gave myself a little time off this past week (a lot actually), but today it is time to get back to work! I can't even believe how close I am to my goal. As I inch closer to my goal it's interesting because I still am not sure what that goal actually is. Stay tuned because that's going to be a whole blog post of its' own.

#noexcuses Week 16!!!!!

IT IS HERE!!!!

Last week's gain was a total fluke considering on Sunday
my weight went right back down and was actually
.2 down from the previous week. Just goes to show that
the scale doesn't always tell the truth! 

WEEK 16

Although it's not actually here because my FINAL weigh in isn't until Monday morning so I still have 2 more days.

These 16 weeks have been pretty amazing. When I set my end of challenge goal, I don't think I really believed that I would actually hit that "A" goal. I'm pretty sure the whole reason why I came up with an "A" goal and a "B" goal was because I didn't really think that "A" goal was going to happen. I am now 2 days away from that final weigh in and am pretty positive that I will hit that "A" goal.

So let's review: my "A" goal was 175 and my "B" goal was 180. Basically the point was that I'd be happy with anything between 175 and 180. My goals are based on my home scale so I usually add about a pound for the Living Lean scale since I have to account for wearing clothes 😏So, if the LL scale reads 176 or below on Monday I will have officially hit my "A" goal. And really, if the scale doesn't show the number I want to see on Monday the world will not actually come to an end. There have been so many NSV's over these last 16 weeks that the number truly doesn't matter quite as much. Of course when the scale does show me what I want to see I will be absolutely ecstatic!

Since it is now May, I also need to update my monthly weigh in calendar. I am happy that I was able to drop another 8.2 pounds during the month of April. It's no 14.6 like I dropped in April last year, but it's not nothing! It's also 4 months in a row of losing weight, which is more than I could say for last year so that's something.

The number on the scale is one thing; but how I've been feeling lately is something else entirely. The things I have been doing in the gym are absolutely amazing me. I have been feeling so lean lately and that is a great feeling.

Last Sunday when I was getting ready to go to the kids' concerts I was feeling very slim so I just had to take a pic. Numbers are great and I am such a numbers person, but these are the things that really matter.

Two more days and this chapter of my journey will come to a close. Obviously that doesn't mean I'm done or I'm stopping. It just means a new chapter starts. And this new chapter will start with a champagne toast at the #noexcuses Lifestyle Challenge awards ceremony on Wednesday!

I will update you all next week with my official 16 week results!

What the Scale CAN'T Tell You......

I'm writing a day early this week because this is an important topic. Grab yourself a glass of wine or some other refreshment and buckle in because this is bound to be a long one.

You all know that for the most part I'm an every day weigher. I have tried many times to change this habit, but I think I'm getting to the point where I really am just using it as a tool and nothing more (most of the time). I'm learning the patterns that happen in my body and I find it pretty interesting. Obviously if I feel the need to write this post tonight it means that the scale is up. We'll get to that.

There are so many things that the scale can't tell you. I am going to tell you exactly what my scale can not tell you about my week.

1) The scale will not tell you that my schedule was completely jacked up this week and I could not
attend any of my usual classes at Living Lean. It will not tell you that because of this I found the time on different days or at different times to be sure I still got 3 days of classes in at LL. That meant that on Monday morning I was at the 5:45 AM class (I HATE getting up that early for workouts). It meant that I went to the Tuesday morning workout which I usually don't do because I usually run that day. Wednesday I worked out at 6:30 PM instead of in the morning. Yesterday, after working a 12 hour day, I came home and ran 4 miles on the treadmill in my fastest time in forever (with no walk breaks). And today, I was not able to attend my normal Friday morning class so I got on the treadmill this evening and once again covered 4 miles even faster than yesterday. And for SURE the scale will not tell you that I came SO close to doing an unassisted chin up in the gym this week. I was able to get about 3/4 of the way up. 

2) The scale cannot tell you that I at least attempted to track all my food on Easter Sunday. I would normally allow myself freedom to not track on a holiday; but I had challenged myself to track for the last 50 days of this challenge and Easter Sunday was day 35/50 so I tracked. I had to estimate since I wasn't in control of my food that day; but I think I did an OK job.

3) The scale won't tell you that even though I had challenges galore this week I fought through them better than I ever have before. The company I work for has to get accredited once every 3 years and our survey was yesterday and today. This means long days and lots of food available. I don't do well when there's a lot of downtime and free food. Thursday was tough. I decided at first that I wasn't going to bother tracking fruit. I figured if I was doing WW still, fruit would be "free" so I would go by

This is a small plate and doesn't look like
a lot of fruit...but I can't even tell you how
many times I had plates of fruit like this. 

that philosophy yesterday. When lunch rolled around I got a salad with grilled chicken on it because I felt it was the best choice I could make. I may have still eaten more of the danishes and muffins (2 of each) than I had originally planned, but I am sure I would have eaten more food in the past. I also know I would have used this as an excuse to eat whatever because it wasn't in my control. Case in point; there is a note on my food log from 2016 when we had our last survey that it was bad timing with me wanting to get back on track and I would just wait until after the survey. And yesterday, after burning 500 calories on the treadmill I decided to even estimate the fruit I ate.

4) The scale will not tell you that I have continued to get a full gallon of water in every day. Well, maybe the scale will actually tell you that 😂

5) The scale may or may not tell you that even though I had to estimate my food, I tracked all week and stayed within my net calorie range. I realize that I may not have tracked accurately and I'm OK with that; but I tried and that's all that matters to me.

So the scale this morning told me that I ate more yesterday than I've been eating. It told me that I'm insanely bloated (hence telling me I did drink all the water still) and therefore registering a higher weight. The scale was up 1.2 pounds today from where it was last Saturday. It's possible that the scale will go back down those 1.2 pounds tomorrow when I have my official weigh in. It's also possible that it's going to go up even more because my calories were still higher than normal today. But it doesn't matter.

Just thought I'd throw this one in here as well.
I love this sweatshirt. I bought it on our 2012 Disney
trip and wear it all the time. It had gotten pretty
tight and now it's so big I may have to stop
wearing it soon.

Let me say that again: IT DOESN'T MATTER

What matters is I worked to get all my exercise in in a week that I totally could have said screw it.
What matters is that I continued to make sure I drank all my water. What matters is that I continue to grow in this journey and find myself running on my treadmill with no walk breaks for 48 minutes. And what continues to matter the most is that I never give up.

So we'll see what the scale says tomorrow, but it ultimately doesn't matter. Will I still be able to hit 175 on May 6th? I don't know. But that doesn't matter either. I will continue to fight and work to get as close to that number as possible. And that, my friends, is what does matter!

#noexcuses Week #14

14 weeks.

14 weeks of being ultra focused on my weight loss journey.

14 weeks of NO alcohol. Not a single drop of wine (or anything else).

14 weeks of tracking almost every day (there were 6 days that I did not track my food. And those days were planned splurge days).

14 weeks of working out 5-6 days per week (mostly 6).

14 weeks. 23.4 pounds lost. 2 weeks and 4 pounds to go to hit my personal goal.

I want to say this was a good week simply because the scale was amazing this morning; but I would be lying. This week continued to suck like the last few weeks. It's getting old and I'm hoping that I'll snap out of it soon. I actually think I am snapping out of it so that's good.

I continued to struggle mentally this week, but the amazing thing is that it didn't derail me. On Tuesday I found myself having yet another snack attack; but I reigned it in and decided at 3:30 to be done eating for the day. My calories were a little over 1500 so I knew it'd still be a good day (calorie deficit wise) if I could just stop eating. So I did. And amazingly enough I still didn't even go to bed hungry. This week was also busy which helped because I didn't have quite as much time to think about eating.

I am finding a balance currently that is pretty amazing. I lost 3 pounds this week and had real ice cream twice. On Saturday Mary wanted to get ice cream after the volleyball team that she coaches won. I agreed and even though I knew I wanted to keep my calories low that day I decided I could get a kids size cone and be happy. It would give me the taste without needing to get a huge sundae or anything. On Thursday my parents came up to watch Robbie's track meet, so naturally we went to get ice cream after. I was toying with not getting any that day, but again, I decided a kids cone would give me the taste that I wanted and wouldn't break my calorie bank.

The best part about all of this is it's truly what I want. I mean, sure, it'd be nice to eat the big sundae (and some days I will); but right now my sights are set on a very specific goal and that is more important than eating that sundae. And, I may not have been happy about it this week (or the last few weeks), but I have kept making the choices that will help me to reach that goal.

That fear that I talked about in my last post is still there. I'm still slightly concerned with how I'm going to handle things when this challenge is over. But, I feared my vacation last year and ended up handling it better than I ever expected. I am getting SO close to that one number that I'd really like to hit (before I decide what my ultimate goal # is). I can't imagine I'm going to throw that all away just because I don't have the focus of the challenge.

Today was definitely exciting though because not only did I cross over into another new decade; but I am also officially "only" overweight according to that lovely BMI chart! This was always my first goal I wanted to hit. I wanted to get to 179 pounds so that I could officially be overweight instead of obese. There was a time that I thought I might even be happy at 179 pounds.  I wrote this post in July 2012 when I was talking about wanting to do a 70.3. 179 pounds was the number I was thinking I should put on myself to hit before I would tackle that goal.

Here's what else I had to say in that blog post:

"Ok...found a picture to post and of course looking at the picture I don't think it does me justice. I mean, that dress is a size 10, which to me...is plenty small! I have never been one to be tiny...nor do I need to be tiny. A comfortable size 12 would probably be just fine for me...heck, right now a comfortable 14 would make me scream (in a good way)! "

This makes me laugh so much when reading it now. The dress I wore to go see Miss Saigon in February was a size 10. The jeans I wore yesterday are a size 10 and I am not done yet. As happy as I am to be wearing these sizes now, I'm still not done. Of course there is always the issue of vanity sizing and the fact that today's size 10 is probably not nearly as small as 2002 size 10's.......but I digress. Ultimately, I'm learning that it's not really about any numbers for me. Don't get me wrong, the numbers drive me and will continue to drive me for a while. When it comes down to where I want to be "in the end" it's going to have more to do with how I feel and how I think I look than with what any number says. So we shall see. I don't know what that will be, but I know I'm not there yet! 

2 more weeks to go in this challenge! Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter tomorrow!

#noexcuses Week 13

Week 13 was another rough week. I continue to struggle with wanting to snack for no reason other than I want to snack. I think I'm starting to figure out why it's happening though so that's a good thing. I'll get into more detail later, but for now I'm just going to say it's due to stress. It's easier to sit and snack than tackle some of the other things I need to tackle.

We are really in the home stretch now!

Ok, so having said it was a rough week I'm even more excited about my results. To be down 1.2 pounds in a week that I felt like I was struggling every single day is pretty cool. AND, to be down 1.2 when it is the 6th week in a row that I've lost weight is even more amazing. I just looked back through my weigh in's and I haven't had a gain on the scale since February. Even though I say 6 weeks of losing in a row, the one week that wasn't a loss was a maintain. It's been 10 weeks since I've gained weight and that week was a fluke.

Something that I've been struggling with again this week is the fear that I talked about in this post last year. It's funny that the post last year was at the end of April when I had such an amazing month. Last year the fear revolved around how I was going to eat when we went on vacation. This year I am starting to fear how I am going to deal with the end of this challenge. I could practically repeat that entire post in this one. I am absolutely going to loosen the reigns a bit when this challenge is over and I am totally OK with that. I have already decided that my goal for June 1st to to weigh whatever I do on May 6th.

But, how I've been feeling lately coupled with the fact that I'm already planning to give myself a little more freedom starts that fear that I'll just go totally crazy and end up gaining back 10 pounds in the month of May. What I need to do is just read this post from last year over and over again. This was the post where I talked about how that first week in May went when I decided to give myself the week off after having such a successful April. What I take away from that post is that even during a week when I had give myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, I did things like split meals with my hubby and get a small cone when I took my kids to get ice cream instead of the big sundae.

I know I already shared this on social media, but it never
ceases to amaze me. I barely even recognize that girl on
the left. But, I am SO proud of her for never giving up! 

That's what I need to remember for May. The point will not be to eat everything like it's disappearing in the next month; but will be to take a little pressure off myself after having put pressure on myself for 16 weeks. The point will be to be OK with my rate of weight loss decreasing a little without it stopping or going in the other direction. I was super proud of how I ended up handling my vacation last year so clearly the fear didn't ultimately win out. However, I also don't forget the fact that after hitting my lowest weight on May 26th; I didn't consistently get back down to that weight until November. And then, I only held on to it for a few weeks before my weight started creeping back up again. And, in 2017 I hit my lowest weight of the year in May and never saw that number again until February of 2018!

My goal this year is to get away from that pattern. I'm still happy that I seem to have figured out how to maintain my weight within about 5-7 pounds for more than half the year (until the last few weeks in December). But, I want to get away from the pattern of losing weight between January and May and then maintaining between May and Nov/Dec and gaining until Jan 1st (or even mid-January like this year). So, even if my rate of weight loss goes to less than .5 lb per week I will be happy. Let me repeat that for myself: even if my rate of weight loss goes to less than .5 pound per week I WILL be happy with that! 

Once again I tend to get ahead of myself. I still have 3 weeks left in the #noexcuses challenge and I am going to do everything in my power to crush these next 3 weeks. I don't think I'll hit my A goal and I'm OK with that. I'm still going to work for it and only time will tell, but I would have to average more than 2lbs per week for these 3 weeks in order to hit that goal and I'm not going to starve myself to reach a goal. One thing I am learning is the smaller I get, the harder it is to reach large calorie deficits. I mean, obviously I'll take it because it means I'm getting smaller; but it kind of sucks all the same!

Oh! I almost forgot. My official week 12 weigh in for the Challenge at LL was 183.2 and 35% body fat. That was down exactly 3 pounds and .7% body fat. I wasn't totally thrilled with that, but it is what it is and it was down. I've lost about 9.3% of my body fat % which I am definitely happy with; but to give you an idea, the 12 week winner has so far lost a total of 17.9% of her body fat%. So, I won't win week 16 and that's OK. I will end this challenge weighing less than I have in 14 years so I'll take that as a win (and I can already say that because I already do weigh less than I have in 14 years)!

3 more weeks.......

#noexcuses Week 12

It truly is amazing how quickly time moves. 12 weeks already. Today is the 20th day since I decided to try to track my food every day for the last 50 days of this challenge. 20 days already. It feels like yesterday when I made that decision. Time seriously moves so fast.

So that's it. We're down to the last 30 days of the challenge. My official 12 week weigh in will be at Living Lean on Monday morning. I didn't put a specific number goal on this part of the challenge. I knew where I wanted to be at week 8 and I know where I'd like to be at week 16; but week 12 will be what it is. I am still "on track" to meet my A goal for week 16, but it may or may not happen and that's OK. I am very confident I will be below my B goal for week 16 so that's something.

You all know how I love my numbers. Today I was happy to see the scale go down for the 5th week in a row,  but at first was slightly disappointed that my losses have been so little for the past 2 weeks. I quickly got over that and started focusing on all the positives of late. My rate of weight loss may have decreased from the first 8 weeks, but I am still consistently losing and that is what matters. I decided to look back at my numbers from last year and found that in the 12 weeks from when the challenge started last year I had lost 15.4 pounds. Obviously I wasn't as focused after the first 8 weeks last year since the challenge had ended, but still. This year I have lost 19.2 pounds in 12 weeks. I started the challenge this year at a significantly lower weight than last year so not only did I lose more weight this year, but the percentage of weight lost was about 9.5% compared to 6.9% from last year. Those are numbers that definitely make me  happy.

I find myself getting so focused on seeing a particular number on the scale that I tend to forget everything else; and in turn almost feel disappointed when it's not yet that number. I know logically that the scale isn't going to be 8 pounds down in one day or even one week; but since I'm so focused on that number it's easy to feel disappointed every time I get on the scale and still don't see that number.

Anyway, I had one really cool and weird NSV this week so that was fun. I was on the treadmill and noticed something I had never noticed before. When on the treadmill I face the mirror in the bathroom (as long as the door to the bathroom is open). The mirror that we have in that bathroom has 3 panels. I noticed the other day that I can now see the reflection of my entire body in just the middle panel! Weird, right? Weird that I would notice that; but I am beyond certain that I was never able to see my entire body in one of those panels. When I was done running I decided to take a picture just to prove my point. I also just felt like I looked much smaller than I've been looking so that was a good day.

On to the last 4 weeks of the challenge. I'll be checking in again next week with my official numbers from the 12 week mark as well as my updated measurements.

April Goals

I think it's time for me to set some short term goals for the month of April. I am seriously struggling here and am trying to figure out something that will help me to regain my focus. I simply can not stop eating for no reason!

I got on the scale this morning for my end of March weigh in (since I do my monthly weigh in's the 1st to the 1st). If I'm being completely honest (which I always am here), I was not happy with my scale this morning. A little backstory.....Saturday I ate a LOT; but I was totally fine with it. I was actually even pretty proud of myself because of how I dealt with dinner out. I had already decided that calories didn't necessarily matter to me on Saturday since I knew I was going to be way over. We found ourselves without kids so we went on a date to Cheesecake Factory. We did split an appetizer and split a piece of cheesecake, but a) we split a piece of cheesecake. In the past we would have probably gotten our own pieces. And b) when determining what to get for dinner I ended up getting something off their "skinnylicious" menu that was less than 500 calories for the entire meal. My dinner was still over 1800 calories (!!!); but, it could have actually been worse. We could have gotten a higher calorie appetizer; I could have gotten a much higher calorie meal; and I could have eaten an entire slice of cheesecake. So, I may have eaten a ton of calories on Saturday but I was still totally OK with it.

Last year I lost 14.5 lbs between Jan and March.
This year I lost 14.8 lbs and started at a lower weight
so I should be perfectly happy with these numbers...

I expected the scale to go way up on Sunday from the bloat, etc from eating so much Saturday. When I got on the scale Sunday morning I was surprised that it wasn't nearly as high as I thought it would be. I had every intention of keeping things totally in check yesterday to get right back on track but I just couldn't stop eating! Argh!!!!

Even with eating a ton again yesterday I still had a calorie deficit at the end of the day (about 560 calories). The only reason I even had a calorie deficit yesterday was because I ran 5 miles on the treadmill to start my day so I had a nice high calorie burn. I thought when I got on the scale this morning it might stay the same as yesterday. I didn't really think it would go down necessarily, but I absolutely didn't think it would go up another 1.2 pounds from yesterday 😠But it did. Ok, so my monthly weigh in wasn't as good as I hoped it would be, but I am still 4 pounds less today than I was on March 1st. And honestly I didn't gain 2.4 pounds of fat over the weekend so my body will bounce back.......but only if I can get back to it!

When I set the goal to track for 50 days in a row I said I wanted to average a 700 calorie deficit per day for the entire 50 days. I didn't get any more specific than that because I really thought that I could allow myself one (or even 2) high calorie days and 5 or 6 lower calorie days to average that deficit. In the 14 days that I have tracked thus far my average calorie deficit has only been 505 calories per day. However, if I simply take the last 2 Saturdays out of the equation I have averaged a calorie deficit of 707 calories per day. That tells me that I am not doing what I need to do to get that 700 calorie deficit when I allow myself to eat so much on Saturdays (especially since that's the one day a week I don't workout).

Enter April Goals or rather April Goal.........

My main goal for these next 30 days is to stay in my calorie range every day. This is honestly not that hard. My calorie range on my fitness pal is 1370 net calories. If I want to have that 700 calorie deficit on average I will need to eat less than 1370 net calories on at least a few days. If I stayed at 1370 net calories for the entire week my average deficit would be closer to 500. If you're wondering why I don't set it lower it's because on the 1 day a week I don't workout (usually Saturdays) I would have a very hard time keeping my calories that low so I don't want to set myself up for failure (again with those mental games I must play with myself). There is frankly no reason I should even eat all 1370 net calories on days that I burn a ton of calories. There was no reason I needed to eat the 2100+ calories I ate yesterday just because I burned almost 2700 calories that day. And even today; I didn't need to eat over 1700 calories just because I could. That continues to be a work in progress. But, if I shift my focus to just staying in the green on my fitness pal every day for the next 30 perhaps these guilty feelings will go away and I will stop eating for no reason. I swear the harder I am on myself about this stuff the worse it gets!

This post suddenly got much longer than I had anticipated (go figure). Today is day 1 of 30 and day 15 of 50. I am done eating for the day and have ended my day in the green on my fitness pal so day one is a success. Here's to 29 more days of success!