I am a MESS!

I don't think I need to say much more than this. I am not doing well. I am seriously struggling with getting back on track. I am having some issues with my Crohn's again (still?) and that never helps things.

I am quite unhappy.

I don't like where I'm at at all, but can't seem to find the motivation to make the changes I need to make. It's a terrible cycle.

I was successful for about 3 days eating Whole30. I even ate Whole30 at my son's birthday party! The next day I decided that I could have one meal off and not stress. That turned in to 2 meals (so all of Sunday because I skipped breakfast) - which has turned in to 3 days.

The kids go back to school on Monday and more structure and organization will come back to my life. That should (hopefully) help.

I have my annual physical on Sept 4th and unfortunately see a completely new doctor - but I plan to talk to him/her about how I've been feeling lately. Perhaps I need a little help for the time being. Therapy? Medication? Something.

So, I haven't written because it's the same old same old and I can only imagine how sick you are of reading it. I'm not giving up. I can't. I am going to lose this weight. I just need to figure it out.

Thanks for the support. I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. I'm guessing I won't be writing for a little while. Hopefully the next post will be able to be a little more positive.

The good news? I was still down over 2lbs today from my weigh in last Wednesday. I'll take what I can get.

Mental Battles

Perhaps starting this when I'm pre-menstrual and planning a birthday party for my son was not the best idea! Ugh!

Breakfast

Today has been full of mental battles all day. The battles today are about whether or not I actually want to do this Whole30 completely. Of course I know why I'm trying to convince myself that I can lose weight without it (well, I CAN - I have before); but right now the reason I'm trying to convince myself to do something else is because I just want to be able to eat whatever. But I have learned over the last 3 months since stopping my previous Whole30, that I'm not in a place right now to eat what I want and just track it (and keep it in control).

Today I was thinking about the possibility of eating "whole30" for 6 out of 7 days a week and giving myself one day to just eat whatever - but not necessarily go totally crazy. The problem with that is right now I probably would go crazy for that one day. Could I still lose weight doing that? Probably. But could I lose more if I just stayed disciplined for the next, say, 6 months? Absolutely.

Why do I have to look at it like it's absolutes? I mean, even if I buckle down and decide to eat Whole180, it doesn't mean that I will NEVER again eat unhealthy food. And perhaps if I were to try to focus on eating the Whole30 way for the next 6 months (30 days, whatever), then by the time I've been doing it for a while my relationship with food might actually change. But I can't seem to get to the point to let that happen. It's almost like I don't want it to happen. What am I afraid will happen if my relationship with food changes? I don't know the answer to that, and perhaps that is the key to this whole journey.

Dinner

Having said all that, I have won the battles (so far) today. I have eaten completely Whole30 compliant today. My plan is to keep moving forward with this way of eating for as long as I can. Even the book says that the Whole30 is not meant to be a Whole365. They don't think that it's realistic for anyone to eat like this indefinitely. However, the way they do eat is basically Whole30 with a few items or meals thrown in there with something not compliant. But when they talk non-compliant they are (sometimes) talking things like milk, whole grains and beans. When I talk about eating non-compliant foods I'm talking about wine, fast food, french fries or other junk food. This is why I need this to help me change my relationship with food. 

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I hate when I have to battle myself this much because I inevitably give in to the battles for at least a little while. I have Robbie's birthday party coming up Saturday and I'm not feeling totally confident that I'm going to get through it staying compliant. Every day that I'm compliant between now and then will help though. We will just have to wait and see I guess. One day at a time and today was a success.

Headache

Well, Day 1 must be over because I woke up this morning with a lovely Whole30 Day 2 headache! I remember the headache from last time and it reared its' ugly head first thing this morning.

Day 1 was pretty good. What's funny is that I really picked a weird time to start this Whole30. Yesterday I took Robbie to the Brown's training camp. Although it was really neat, Robbie was hot and tired and we ended up leaving before it was over so we didn't get any signatures.

Football players...so close to us! 

This would have been an easy excuse to put off starting until today. I mean, we had to leave really early in the morning and were going to be gone until at least lunch time and then we had to go get Mary from my sister in-law's house. It would be so easy to say that I'll just take him to lunch and get focused on Thursday. But I didn't. I packed a lunch for both of us and after we left the practice, we ate in the car.

Roasted turkey, veggies and guac

I had a brief moment before dinner tonight where I was annoyed. I was frustrated because I was tired and didn't feel like making dinner before his football practice. It's just so much easier to swing by the drive-thru on the way home from football. So the second guessing myself came in to play - "if I were doing Weight Watchers or calorie counting, I could still stop and get food on the way home from football". The fact of the matter is that still wouldn't make it OK. And, we've already seen that I can only keep eating like that under control for so long.

Anyway, in the end I did grill the chicken I had been marinating in olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Mary and I brought our dinners to the park and after walking with my sister for a little less than 3 miles, I sat and had my dinner. I had made chicken salad with the chicken and cooked up some green beans from our garden.

I got crabby last night after practice and I want to attribute that to the change in eating; but it's probably more likely because I was tired.

I actually felt like I ate a lot yesterday. I didn't stress about not eating in between meals and just ate when I was hungry. For breakfast I had 2 hard boiled eggs and some grapes with walnuts. I ate my lunch in 2 segments. I had some of it in my car, but then my stomach started to hurt so I stopped eating until I got to my sister in-law's so I'd be close to a bathroom (oh, the life with Crohn's).

When I got home around 3PM I had another bowl of grapes with almonds and walnuts. Then dinner was chicken salad (made with about 8oz of chicken) and green beans. After the kids went to bed I was feeling slightly hungry again, but I was also exhausted so I went to bed instead.

On to day 2.....

Whole30 - Round 2

** I feel like I should make the disclaimer to this particular post that it is likely going to get very long winded. I've been doing a LOT of thinking over the last few days and this post is all about that. Consider yourself warned.**

If we're being technical, it's really round 3 since I first attempted a Whole30 last August when I was really sick. I know I've discussed that before, but I only lasted 10 days because my Crohn's flare was so bad that I ended up just not eating because everything hurt. I decided that if all I could ingest was an Ensure shake than so be it and I quit after 10 days (since an Ensure shake would not be compliant with Whole30).

You all know too well about the next Whole30, which happened from April - May of this year. For any of you that missed those posts you can find them in my blog archive.

During that Whole30 I blogged nearly every day about my experience. I have spent some time over the last week re-reading those blog posts trying to figure out if I wanted to embark on another Whole30.

In some ways I remember being unhappy a lot of the time and saying that I didn't think it was a realistic way for me to live. I remember the struggles. The way I felt when I had to figure out what to eat at a baseball game when I was trying to stay compliant.

So why would I even think about trying it again? Well, it's because I also remember staying compliant at that baseball game (and how good I felt after I did that - and how it really wasn't that hard in the end). I remember not eating any ice cream when my kids got ice cream after Mary's last volleyball game. I remember not having to think TOO hard about what I was eating because I didn't have to track how much of anything I was eating.

Of course I also remember the cooking, prepping and cleaning that was involved in 30 days of my entire family eating only whole food. But this time I am not talking about my entire family doing it. I'm talking about just me. Because the reality is that I NEED to make a lifestyle change if I want to get this weight off and keep it off. I need to figure out a way to truly focus on eating healthier the majority of the time; and I think I have come to the conclusion that in order to do that I maybe have to be a little more strict for longer than even 30 days.

One of the things I remember saying during my last Whole30 was that I didn't think I felt that much better than any other time I'm eating less and losing weight. That may or may not be true, but what IS true is that when I was doing the Whole30 I was making healthy choices for those 30 days. Since I stopped the Whole30 on May 21st, I have not been able to get myself on any track of weight loss. I've had a couple good weeks in there, but never enough. I also shifted my focus from eating whole, real, healthy food to eating whatever crap I wanted that happened to fit within my points/calories for the day.

The week that I lost 4.2 pounds recently, I had eaten out (mostly fast food) about 6 times that week! That in and of itself is ridiculous (but that's another issue all together). But I obviously wasn't making the healthiest of choice if I was eating out that much. I mean, I think I had McDonald's at least 3 times that week. I did try to make "better" choices, but it wasn't like I was choosing salads for any of those meals. What I'm saying is sometimes when I do Weight Watchers I choose to still make unhealthy choices, but just try to keep it under control. The problem is, I CAN'T keep it under control (obviously). I may keep it in check enough one week to lose the weight, but then I lose all control the next week and gain it all back.

I already know that crappy food like that is a downhill trigger for me. I keep trying to incorporate unhealthy food into my diet and try the whole "all in moderation" thing, but clearly that isn't working for me. My son is turning 8 years old next Monday and the last time I weighed less than 200 (for longer than a few months) was before he was born. I mean, I hit 180 right after he was born, I hit 190 for a few months in 2007, and I hit 197 in 2011; but each and every time I've gained the weight back + extra.

What it comes down to is that when I was doing the Whole30 I wanted it to be done because I wanted to be able to incorporate the crappy food more often. I wanted to believe that I can lose weight while still eating things like McDonald's, wine, ice cream, cookies, etc, etc, etc. I clearly can't. Some people may be able to, but I have proved to myself over and over again that I can't. However, what also happened when I was doing the Whole30 is that I was eating 3 solid meals a day and sometimes almost forgetting to eat lunch because I was still satisfied from breakfast. I did not overly stress about what I was going to eat (unless we were going to a baseball game or something and I couldn't control my food by bringing it in), because I knew the things I could have and the things I couldn't. I didn't have to think about how many calories or points that is and how much I have left in my "budget" and whether or not it was worth it.

So I have decided to embark on another Whole30 starting Wednesday August 6th. This time around my goal is to actually keep the Whole30 going for as many days as I can. My thought process is that if I have an off day for whatever reason, I will "restart" the Whole30 at day 1. I am not going in to this thinking it's only 30 days this time. But I'm also not going to stress about making it 30 days in a row (if that makes sense). What it comes down to is I'm looking at this being a start to my lifestyle change. My hope is that eventually I can change my relationship with food enough that I CAN be successful with the "all things in moderation". That I can actually learn what moderation means (and learn that it doesn't mean McDonald's/fast food once a day as long as I can fit it within my allowed points/calories).

You were warned at the beginning and if you're still reading please know how much I appreciate it. I love all the support that I get from you guys. It's crazy to me to think I inspire anybody. I am glad to hear that I do. It keeps me going. I want to prove all you people who believe in me right because sometimes I am not so sure myself.

Broken Record

I'm a broken record and this is the problem.

I was watching Extreme Weight Loss the other night and the host said something that really resonated with me. He said that you can choose any diet and weight loss program out there that you want, but until you tackle the emotional reasons for getting fat you can't make the lifestyle change. Or something like that! ;)

Ok. So I have done the counseling thing and clearly it hasn't helped. I'm kind of at a loss what to do. I have actually tried 2 different therapists in the past. The first one I went to suggested I look in to Overeater's Anonymous. I went to one meeting and quickly found that it wasn't for me. And I felt like that was a cop out for that therapist. If I just wanted to do OA I could have done that on my own. So I wasn't impressed with her.

Then, a few years back, I started to see another therapist, but this time I went with the mindset that I needed overall help and the weight stuff would come as a natural part of it. I stayed with him a little longer, but still wasn't overly impressed. I didn't feel like he was helping me enough or even helping me to help myself. I ended up deciding that my money was better spent on my personal trainer and I switched to just see her. That was 2011 and I lost 40 pounds. However, we all know that wasn't permanent and I have since gained it ALL back, plus some.

2011 - when I lost 40lbs. I was around 199 in this pic

So I've said while I was doing the Whole30 that I didn't think it was realistic for me to live that way forever. And I think that's where the problem lies. I always say that I think giving up certain food groups or certain foods doesn't work for me, but I think the fact is that I don't WANT to. I think it does work for me. I gave up fast food for almost 2 years and lost 40 pounds. I did the Whole30 for 30 days and lost 16.6 pounds. I stayed consistent for 30 days and I can't seem to get that level of motivation back.

And by April 2014 this is what I looked like. 

I'm going to talk numbers now and they are embarrassing. But, they are what they are. I did this to myself and why wait until I lose to the weight to talk about where I started from?

Ok. So at the start of my Whole30 I weighed in at a whopping 250.6. I couldn't believe that I had let it get THAT bad. My highest weight previous to that was around 238, so I was not happy with myself (mind you - I weighed about 209 when I gave birth to each of my children...and I thought THAT was ridiculously high).

At the end of the Whole30 I weighed in at 234. In 30 days I had lost 16.6 pounds and was feeling good. My stomach felt better than it had felt all year, but I convinced myself that I didn't feel any better than any other time I eat healthy (which might be true). However, since I ended the Whole30 in May, I have NOT gotten on track. At one point I got down to 233.2, but that was back in June. I have been yo-yoing since then. This morning I weighed in at 239.8.....sigh......

The GOOD news is that I've been basically "maintaining" my weight (within about 5-6lbs) since I stopped the whole30. That would be great if that number was significantly lower, but it's not. But it is good that I haven't gained back all 16.6 pounds of what I lost. The other good news is that I haven't given up. I may be yo-yoing, but that means that at some point I'm being disciplined.

It sure would be nice to look like this again!

Today is August 1st and I decided that this is it. I need to just do this. (and hence broken record - how many times have I said this??) My plan is to eat as "clean" as possible the majority of the time. I'm not going to stress about added sugars or going dairy, gluten, grain-free; but I'm going to focus on eating real foods more than processed ones.

I am toying with the idea of doing another Whole30, but trying to do it even longer. However, I then re-read some of my journal entries and I just don't know. I was overwhelmed with food prep and clean-up; but I do think a lot of that was because I had my entire family doing it. Perhaps it would actually be easier a second time if I did it by myself.

I also think that I'm going to give up my Weight Watchers membership. I joined about 2.5 months ago thinking that it might be good to help me continue to lose weight. I paid for a 3 month online membership and obviously it hasn't been working any better to motivate me than the free sites that are available. So, I think I'll continue to use it for the next 15 days and then cancel it before I have to pay for month 4. I will then use my fitness pal to track my food.

Wish me luck. I really hope I can figure this out soon. I need to lose this weight once and for all.