Fall down 99 times.....

........get up 100, right?!?!

That's the idea.

But right now I'm feeling like I can't get up. I will get up because I always do, but I wonder at what point will I say enough is enough and STOP falling in the first place!

I wait to write a blog post until I actually believe that I'm going to get back on track and stay that way for more than a day (or a week). I don't want to make a total fool of myself on the world wide web and keep posting these entries that claim I'M BACK to only go back on that the very next blog post.

But alas...here I am again. Perhaps my short-comings can help someone else out there. Perhaps the fact that I keep coming back to say...."oops, I messed up again"...will tell someone else they aren't alone.

I like reading blogs because it helps me to realize that I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one out there who struggles with their weight. I'm not the only one who claims to want something, but yet doesn't work hard enough for long enough to get it. I'm not the only one who falls down 99 times and wonders if she'll get up that 100th time.

I would like to change my equation. What's the old saying?? 2 steps forward; 1 step back?? Yea, well lately it's been more like 1 step forward; 5 steps back; I would like to take about 1,000 steps forward and then maybe one step back! But right now I'd be happy with 2 steps forward; 1 step back....as long as it continues that way for longer than a week!

I've been busy lately. Weird, since I quit my job in January!

I mentioned in my last post about building a new patio. Thanks to my amazing family this project is done. The background of this project is that we didn't used to have a patio off the deck at all; but about 2 years ago we had a very wet spring and a very wet area right off the deck. We were getting rid of old masonry sand that we had put in our sandbox and our neighbors had flagstone they weren't using. It resulted in an impromptu patio project over Memorial Day weekend. We did nothing right. We literally threw sand over the grass and laid the flagstone. Here is what that looks like 2 years later after it's really settled and the grass starts growing in around it.

May 2013 - BEFORE

 This year we decided we wanted to rip up the old patio and do it right. Our yard slopes.....a LOT. We knew we would have to dig to level the area, but had no idea what an undertaking it would be.

The kids even got involved!

After about 2 weeks straight of work, the patio was completed last weekend. Working on the patio was GREAT for my weight loss for about 5 days. In the 5 days that I was working 7 hours a day on that patio, I lost 5lbs. I was tracking what I was eating and was staying well within my points. Not hard to do when you're earning 20 activity points doing physical labor!

The beautiful finished product - June 2013!

However, it only takes about 2 days of eating like crazy (and drinking wine) and 1 day of NO activity to trump all that I had done during the week. My weigh in Monday was not nearly as good as it should have been had I kept my eating in check. I was down 2.8lbs. Not terrible. Still down, but not nearly what I wanted or should have had if I would have continued tracking and keeping my food in check instead of saying "screw it"!

And I have yet to get back on track this week! As of this morning I'm up another 1.6lbs, which puts me almost back to my re-starting weight. Sigh.....

I need to get up this 100th time and stay up for a little longer than 5 days. There are many things I want to do that would just be easier without some of this weight. I need to realize that the weight isn't going to go anywhere if I don't do something about it. And I need to start doing something about it soon......

I Miss It....

I miss waking up before my entire family on a Sunday morning to meet my sister in law and run.

I miss running in the pouring down rain with my mom riding her bike next to me (for 18 miles!) so I don't have to train for my first marathon by myself.

I miss PRing at (almost) every race.

I miss participating in races.

I really want to add lots more medals!

So you might think it would be easy to just get back on track, right?? I mean, if you miss something you usually do the work to get it back.

Unfortunately for me it isn't turning out to be that easy.

It might have been easy if I would have gotten back on the bandwagon sooner. But I didn't. I have now gained back 36.2 of the 40 pounds I had once lost. I suppose the good news is that I was at my lowest in November 2011 and it is June 2013. So it has taken me 1.5 years to gain back the weight and I am getting my butt in gear before I gain back each pound + 10 more. That is a good thing, however, the fact that I once again let myself get this big is not OK. I am not comfortable. I am not happy with myself and I cannot do the things I had worked so hard to get myself to do!

And therein lies the problem with missing it. There is the answer to why is it so hard to get it back?!?! It's because I can't do the things I could do even 20lbs ago. I'm starting at square 1. It's a hard pill to swallow when you worked so hard to get somewhere and then threw it all away.

I found LOTS of excuses!

Sure, I can blame some of it on the horrible Crohn's flare. I can even blame some more of it on the extended need for Prednisone (which I am FINALLY off of). But the rest of it is due to my emotional eating. It's due to the fact that I used the flare and medications and recent life events (that's another blog post in itself) as an excuse.

Once again I am starting over. I realize this blog post sounds quite familiar to this one back on April 1st., but it is what it is. Today was another day 1 and it was a picture perfect day! I am currently allowed 35 PP (that's points plus) a day. I ended my day at 34 points. I earned 6 AP (activity points) with the digging I did for the patio we're building. I have already planned out most of my food for tomorrow and plan to spend a good portion of the day digging again.

One more thing before I end this post. I discussed in this post back in April about training for a sprint tri in Vermillion in August. I have a friend who is planning to do her first Olympic tri at this same event. This is the ONLY reason I'm still even considering it. I'm struggling with whether or not to do this. I haven't done the training and, like I've already mentioned, have gained back almost all my weight. A decision hasn't been made yet, but I almost wonder if I should wait until I get some of this weight back off before I try to do these things again. But then I think, why?? I never waited before! So, we'll see what happens. But, that's what this blog is about.....my journey to "just" fit....and a journey it will be!