I get a little carried away with NUMBERS!

Things are continuing to go really well. I did go a little overboard on Tuesday, but I counted (or estimated) all my calories on the day. It's funny though. I didn't go overboard at dinner. I actually went overboard NOT eating lunch! My breakfast wasn't big enough to hold me over for dinner so I was just going to have a snack for lunch. Well, once I started eating I was finding it difficult to stop so I think I ended up having like 700 calories for my non-lunch! Sigh. But, I ended the day around 2800 calories and burned over 3200 so I still had a calorie deficit so I'm happy!

Yesterday was a little tough to get completely back on track, but I did it. I have been eating more this week, but I've also been burning more. Here's what the last few days have looked like:

• Monday = Burned 3098. Ate 1592
• Tuesday = Burned 3259. Ate 2863
• Wednesday = Burned 3532. Ate 2011
• Thursday (total burned is estimated based on what I've burned so far) = Burned 3351. Ate 2277.
• Total calorie deficit on 4 days = 4497. If a pound = 3500 calories I "should" be down just about 1.3 calories tomorrow from what the scale said Monday morning. 

Ok. So I know that you're probably thinking that I'm getting too neurotic and it's going to backfire. Maybe I am. BUT, I actually only figured this out out of curiosity. I did weigh myself Monday morning to see what kind of "damage" I did over the weekend by not tracking and such. I was only up .4lbs from my Friday weigh in so I was happy about that. If I see that the scale is pretty close to where it "should" be based on my numbers than I'm going to know that a) my Garmin Vivosmart is pretty accurate in telling me how much I burn in a day and b) I must be doing a pretty good job of tracking my food as well. Right now I'm allowing myself to not track on the weekends and be more relaxed. However, I can FEEL that I'm on the fence currently with wanting to move to just tracking 7 days a week. I think that if I see that I lose what I "should" lose perhaps I will be more motivated to continue tracking so I can at least continue to do the math and make choices based on that. If I know that making sure I have a big calorie deficit will help me to lose more weight and I still want whatever (food/wine/etc) it is that I want then go ahead and indulge because if I don't I'll end up REALLY over-doing it later.

Yup. I'm neurotic, but I would never say otherwise! The thing is right now I'm using that for good. I am actually working to figure out a way to motivate myself to continue tracking through the weekend. I'm working to figure out a way to train my brain to want to eat less. I am NOT looking for an excuse to say I can actually eat more than I realize (which has been something I've done in the past). I am also getting to the point where I LOVE seeing the 3000+ calories burned a day. That's going to motivate me to move more on the weekends so I can still have that - even if I'm not tracking my calories eaten. But it's a snowball effect. If I'm working to have my calorie burn be at 3000 calories chances are I'm going to want to track what I eat to see if I'm still having a calorie deficit even if I'm allowing myself more food. It's all a process. Eventually I will decide to track over the weekend - but just track what I'm eating and not worry about staying under any calorie amount. Then, eventually I'll decide that I want to try to keep a calorie deficit on the weekends as well. 

I have always been an all or nothing person and I'm actually REALLY proud of myself so far for not being that way. I am being an in between person this month and I'm loving it! I'm still going to be down at least 4 pounds this month and that's 4 pounds less that I have to worry about losing! In the past I would be mad that it was "only" 4 pounds when I should be losing more weight at the beginning. But, I'm not mad. I'm very happy. I feel like I am finding a healthy balance with losing weight and not going crazy. When I feel like I'm starting to go a little crazy about it I back off without the guilt. 

We'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I'm pretty confident it will be lower than it was last Friday. It truly doesn't matter how much...less than last Friday is the right direction to be moving :) 

Dishes, Dishes and more Dishes

I remember when I was doing the Whole30 back in 2014 I talked about how much time I spent in the kitchen. If I wasn't prepping food or cooking food, I was doing dishes. It felt like it was because we were doing the Whole30 that I had all these dishes to do, etc. I am now finding that's not really the case. Apparently whenever I'm cooking at home 90% of the time we go through a lot of dishes! I swear I am unloading and loading the dishwasher EVERY day - or at least every other day. I always strive to go to bed with an empty sink, but it never seems to happen. What usually ends up happening is I do the dishes at some point after dinner in the evening. Then, whatever is used after that point will stay in the sink until the morning. I'll empty the clean dishwasher and re-load it in the morning. By evening we have accumulated enough dirty dishes to almost fill the dishwasher. Sigh....

Day 21

I feel like I'm doing really well with this "change of lifestyle" or whatever you want to call it. I hate having to figure out how to label it. It is what it is. I need to lose weight and I need to do it in such a way that will allow me to NOT gain it back. 

So last Friday I decided to change my official weigh in day to Friday's instead of Tuesdays. I figured that if my baby steps allow me to be a little more "relaxed" over the weekend Friday would be a good day to weigh in each week. It may give me some motivation to not go crazy over the weekend and will then give me time to have 4 really good days right before weigh in :) On Friday I weighed in and was down 1.4 pounds! I was quite happy with that (to say the least since it was down since I weighed in on Tuesday). I continued to allow myself more freedom over the weekend. I basically don't track, but try not to go totally overboard. 

The deal I made with myself was that as long as I got right back on track on Monday all was good. And all has been good! :) Today has been 100% back on track. As of writing this I have eaten 1,578 calories and have burned 2,708. I would say that's a pretty successful day. Tomorrow I will celebrate my 14th wedding anniversary with a nice dinner out with my hubby. My calories will be estimated since I am pretty sure wherever we go won't be a place that has nutritional information online. But I am totally OK with that. I'll make sure I burn some extra calories tomorrow and won't worry so much about having a 1,000 calorie deficit. And then back to 100% on Wednesday! I know I can do this. I just need to keep taking small steps forward. 

Entyvio Infusion #5 and a Weigh In

Day 15

So today was my 5th Entyvio infusion. Entyvio is the newest drug that I am on for my Crohn's Disease.....and it seems to be the one that is FINALLY working! :) YIPPEE!!! If you've followed my blog for any amount of time (or you know me in person), you know that I've been struggling for the last 3+ years with getting my Crohn's under control. It started with a flare back in 2012 while I was training for my marathon. I ignored it. It's kind of like my body let me get through the marathon and then said, Ok, I'm DONE! I ended up in the hospital for 7 days in January 2013. Remicade was started in January 2013. I stayed on that drug for 8 MONTHS before determining that it wasn't working. That took us to September 2013. After having another sigmoidoscopy that showed how inflamed I still was we decided to move on to Humira (and more steroids...again). Humira helped. It brought me to maybe 60% better and kept that status quot for a while. Because I had been so miserable for so long I was believing that maybe that was my new normal. I figured it was significantly better than what it was so it must be working.....right up until it really wasn't and I no longer felt like I was even at 60%.

It's always scary to get to that point. When I was in the hospital in 2013 the doctors there were already jumping to surgery. They couldn't get my disease under control in 7 days of IV steroids so they were talking removing my colon. That's some serious stuff! And, because I was SO miserable and in so much pain I was actually considering it. And then my mom thankfully pointed out that we hadn't tried the more potent drugs (Remicade, Humira, etc) yet so we should consider that first. Anyway, so after I tried both those drugs and was STILL not doing well (or not doing well again) in the start of 2015, I was nervous. But then my doctor told me about this new drug that was just FDA approved in June 2014. He said he felt pretty confident that it would work for me based on what he has seen so far (granted, that hadn't been a lot - he had 3 of his own patients on it). In April of this year I changed drugs yet again..for the 3rd time in less than 3 years. At my appointment today I told my doctor that I think I'm at 90%. I told him the only reason I won't say 100% is because I'm afraid I might jinx it; but this is the healthiest (Crohn's-wise) I have been in over 3 years.

Wow.

It's ABOUT FREAKIN TIME!!!!

When it comes to this disease I am a fighter. But when it comes to my healthy lifestyle I tend to fall short. Maybe it's because I have no fight left in me when I'm fighting so hard just to get through a day. But now that I don't have to fight as much to get through the day I can focus my fight on a different part of my life.



This ^^^^ has been my mantra lately. I can't listen to it enough.

"This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me"

Read more: Rachel Platten - Fight Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

And with that I am going to go get on the treadmill.

Oh yea - and weigh in this morning....down 2lbs. :)

Monday, Monday.....

So days 11-13 were consciously not on track. I say consciously because I made the decision to let myself "off the hook" for the weekend. The good news? Day 14 is totally back on track. I have eaten 1475 calories today and as of now have already burned almost 2800 calories on the day so I know I'll have my 1000 calorie deficit. Tomorrow morning I will weigh in since I decided that I need to weigh in once a week. The fact of the matter is I can use the scale to sabotage myself whether I'm actually stepping on it or not. If I REALLY want to go "off track" for some reason I can talk myself into it pretty easily. When I'm on track I like the validation of the numbers on the scale going down. 

I already have dinner planned and entered into my tracker for tomorrow. I tend to work my calories around dinner. That way if we're having a higher calorie dinner I can plan accordingly. I will also sometimes plan my day around which meal I'm eating out since on days that I eat out I tend to eat 2 meals and a light snack in order to stay within my calorie range.

 I was thinking this weekend about the fact that I was letting myself not track for the entire weekend. I decided that this is my first step towards a 80-90% healthy lifestyle. If I can be on 4-5 days per week and "off" 2-3 that is better than what I was doing and the scale should still go in the right direction. This is not my plan forever....but I am OK to start this way. I've said it before, but I'm SO all or nothing that I tend to get very hard on myself when I'm not perfect. Clearly this doesn't bode well for me since I haven't succeeded in losing this weight yet! So, I'm trying to reason with myself and know that I don't have to go from 0-100% healthy in one day. I think I'm doing a good job so far. I am still feeling good and positive about where I am and where I'm heading. I'm still feeling like I can do this and actually reach my goal. 

Like I said, the key is always getting back on track......no matter how long that takes. Don't ever give up! 

Hard Workouts and Hunger

Day 10

10 days and 7 of them have been on point! Not a terrible percentage for just starting out. Every day that is on point is another day that I'm more likely to keep going. I feel SO good when I'm doing this. I feel proud of myself and like there is no doubt that I will succeed. I am not sure what changes. Well, maybe I am. Right at this moment when I'm hungry and have already eaten an apple and cheese stick and am drinking water I get frustrated. Perhaps it's those feelings that creep in more often when I fall off the wagon. But, I'm thinking it's probably just because I go a few days without tracking and it is certainly "easier" not to have to track what you're eating so I probably just get out of the habit. Clearly we see how hard it is to jump back on once you've fallen off. So, the key is to ALWAYS get back to tracking.

Today I had a workout with my trainer. This is someone I started seeing in a group setting back in about March or April. She kicks my butt with her workouts and I love it! I've been working with her one on one for a little while now (about a month) and I swear she pushes me harder when it's just the 2 of us. Today was NO exception. But, again with the increase in fitness.....the last time we worked out together it was 41 minutes and my avg HR was 149 and max was 172. I burned 807 calories. Today we worked out for 46 minutes and my avg HR was 134 and max was 157. I burned 757 calories. What I find interesting is that when I workout in the morning I find I am WAY more hungry throughout the day than when I am on the treadmill at 7PM in the evening. According to my Garmin though, my calorie burn today is already over 3100 calories. Perhaps THAT'S why I'm more hungry. I think I like working out later better. Less time to be hungry before bed...LOL

Anyway, today I am done eating (even though I'm still feeling hungry). It's late enough that I'm just going to get in bed and read. I've eaten 1703 calories today and since my calorie burn is already over 3100, I have well more than a 1000 calorie deficit. I feel good! I can do this. I can keep it going and actually lose this weight. And then keep it going and maintain my weight and NEVER end up where I'm at again.

Fall Down...Get Back UP!

As promised yesterday was a good day! It wasn't all easy, but I did it. I ended my day having eaten around 1524 calories and burned a total of 3004. So my calorie differential for yesterday was 1480 calories!

I went on the treadmill again yesterday. For those of you keeping count that means that in 8 days I was on the treadmill 5 times. I'm super stoked about that. And if you've read my blog before you know how much I LOVE seeing progress. Well, here are some states from my "runs" since starting on 9/1. All these stats are according to my Garmin Vivofit (which I LOVE). I wear my HR monitor when I workout to try to get a more accurate read of the calories I'm burning.

9/1 - leisurely walked on the treadmill. Decided something was better than nothing. 30 minutes, 1.57 miles, 386 calories burned, average HR 120, max HR 129.

9/2 - Decided to push it with some run intervals thrown in. 30 minutes, 1.63 miles, 534 calories, average HR 140, max HR 158.

9/3 - Increased run intervals and also upped the speed on the treadmill slightly. 30 minutes, 1.79 miles, 506 calories, average HR 136, max HR 152.

9/4 - Continue to try to increase speed (i.e run intervals). 30 minutes, 2.03 miles, 533 calories, average HR 140, max HR 161.

9/8 - 35 minutes, 2.46 miles, 599 calories, average HR 138, max HR 159.

There are SO many things I love about this trend. I love the fact that each time I've gotten on the treadmill I've gone a little bit farther AND a little bit faster. I love that my HR is already showing my improving fitness in just one week. I had my fastest and longest time yesterday and yet my average HR was the lowest it has been since adding in run intervals.

Sometimes I feel like working out every day is not a good thing and is not reasonable, but this is what motivates me. I also feel like 30 minutes on the treadmill every day really isn't that much. I don't want to burn myself out, but when I go one day without getting on the treadmill (or something equivalent) it's that much easier to NOT get on the next day. And then even easier the next. So, I am going to try my best to do some sort of workout - even if it's "active recovery" every day.....at least while I'm getting myself back in the habit.

Today I was texting with my friend/trainer and I told her she would be so proud because I'm finally getting back on track. She was the one who told me after school started that I had to put a cap on how long I would let myself "adjust" to the back to school schedule. I took that to heart and that, coupled with being reminded by Facebook that I've done it before, helped to get me back on track. So today she said something again that struck a chord with me. She said, "Consistency! Something every day if you can." That really helped me to see HOW one actually works towards a healthy lifestyle. I am so all or nothing that I honestly don't really understand about the baby steps. Every time I take baby steps I feel like I'm failing....and I'm calling them "baby steps" to make myself feel better. But if I can commit to doing at least 1 healthy thing each day and calling it a success, I can do that. Those 3 days over the weekend that I ate more than I burned, might not have been as "bad" if I had just gotten on that treadmill. Or if I didn't have the wine. Or if I was sure to drink more water. Because all of those things lead to more healthy choices.

See, I AM learning. Until tomorrow.....

A Step in the Right Direction

I hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend and "last weekend of the summer".

Day 5 - Saturday
I had intentions today of staying 100% on track, but then I had also not really planned out my weekend to decide which day I was going to allow to be my "free" day. I started the day with a hard boiled egg and an apple. My daughter had been talking about wanting to go to Abuelo's the night before but we didn't. It sounded good to me but since I know Mexican is pretty bad I decided that I wouldn't worry about tracking on Saturday. So, we had dinner with friends that night (ribs) and I drank some wine. I didn't track, but I was more than likely eating more calories than I burned today. Calories burned = 2305

Day 6 - Sunday
Again I had intentions of being spot on today (you can see where this is going). I wasn't. But, I didn't track so I'm actually thinking if I were to have tracked I might find that I WAS spot on today. I didn't eat breakfast, had pizza for lunch and then a 6 inch sub for dinner at Blossom. I would estimate that today I was probably pretty close to what I burned or even ate a little less than what I burned. Calories burned = 2460

Day 7 - Monday
Yea, I pretty much decided at this point that it is what it is and I would get completely back on track tomorrow (today). I ate a lot today and very little of it was healthy. But, I am moving on. Calories burned =

Day 8 - TODAY
Well, I did get on the scale this morning. I couldn't help it. I had to see what the outcome was of 4 REALLY good days and 3 not so great days. The good news? I was down. Down .6lbs and I will take that and run with it. I am going to get completely back on track today and see if I can have an even better week than last week. Baby steps, right? That's really what making a lifestyle change is about, right? No one can expect to completely change over night so I'm not going to either. The important thing is to keep going. To pick myself up and brush myself off. I made conscious choices to eat the way I did this weekend and I'm OK with that.

I have dinner in the crock pot and already counted in my tracker. I plan to do turkey, avocado, bacon roll-ups for lunch (yum and EASY) and I think maybe I'll go make myself a scrambler for breakfast now before it gets too late.

Here's to the start of an awesome week 2!

Apple Picking and Apple Pie

Day 4

Yesterday ended up being my best day yet in terms of my calorie deficit. I ended up eating 1488 calories and burned 2946 calories for a deficit of 1458!

Today the kids didn't have school and I wasn't sure what I was going to do with them today. As I was looking on Facebook this morning someone posted about Patterson's Fruit Farm opening today for the very first day of apple picking! It was about 9 and they opened at 9. I told the kids and we immediately got ready and went to pick some apples.

It was the BEST day ever to go apple picking. We got there within the first hour they were open so there was only 1 other family there. It was the first day of apple picking so the trees were full of beautiful, enormous apples. It was overcast so the bees weren't around much either. In just about 10 minutes we had 17lbs of apples!

If you've never tried ginger golden apples you MUST try them. We picked honey crisp and ginger golden and I think in the end I like the ginger golden ones better. Robbie ended up eating an apple while we were picking, eating one in the car on the way home and then having one as soon as we got home.

One amazing thing about today is that we actually ate lunch at home today! You may think it's funny that I say that's amazing, but usually when the kids have a day off of school I take them out to lunch. The kids pretty much ate what they usually have for a packed lunch and I had a yummy lunch of bacon & avocado wrapped in turkey with a side of a big juicy apple!

It was a very good lunch. Since we had decided to go pick apples this morning I hadn't gotten around to eating breakfast. I had an apple while picking so that was pretty much my breakfast. This was my lunch and by dinner I had eaten less than 500 calories. This is a good thing because Friday nights a lot of the time are pizza and movie nights in our household. I am not a huge fan of pizza hut, but what I do love about them is they have a nutrition calculator on their website. We got pizza hut because they had a cheap deal. I entered all the pizza I ate and still had calories left on the day. This was a good thing because the other thing I did today was make my very first apple pie from scratch! And OMG, this pie was really good if I do say so myself! :)

And if you can even imagine it.....on a night that I usually sit on the couch eating pizza and drinking wine; I went downstairs on the treadmill again at 8 PM. And I improved once again. I went a farther distance in the same 30 minutes I've been doing. And the best part? My average heart rate was the same as 2 days ago when I first incorporated running intervals and didn't go as far. THIS is what it's about. In just 4 short days I'm already making a difference. THIS is what feels good.

But I still want to get on the scale ;) But I haven't.

Tomorrow's another day and another challenge but I feel ready to face it head on. I'm trying to convince myself that as long as I get through this weekend with burning more calories than I eat then I'm golden. That means even if it's only a 100 calorie deficit it'll be OK. This is the slippery slope for me. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but when I try to convince myself not to be too hard on myself I go to the opposite extreme and let myself just have the whole weekend "off" or something. A work in progress....only time will tell. On to another day!

Day 3 Victory!

So today was starting off pretty well actually. After I got up and got the kids out of the house I checked my Garmin Vivofit stats from yesterday to see what my total calories burned for the day was. I was happy to see that I broke the 3000 mark! Sparkpeople is what I've gone back to using for tracking my food and exercise (I'm also on My Fitness Pal, but I've lost 40lbs with Sparkpeople in the past so I went back to that). Anyway, Sparkpeople has my BMR listed as 2210. What I am basically striving for each day is to eat at least 500 less calories than my BMR (so 1710 calories or less) and then burn 500 calories with my workout so that I have a 1000 calorie deficit. As I get smaller I'll obviously change this. But my BMR will go down as my weight goes down, so that will change the equation as well :) Yesterday I ate 1628 calories and burned a total of 3004 calories. That means my total calorie deficit yesterday was 1376!!

Moving on.....so today started out pretty well. And then my son's school called. Again. He is having a hard time adjusting to his new school and keeps acting out when he gets angry or upset in class. Awesome. Today the phone call came from the Principle. I was in the car so I turned it around and went to the school to talk about what was happening. I had told my son that if he got in trouble again I would have to take away football in some capacity. So tonight he couldn't go to practice. We'll see if that does the trick. Who knows though. I thought just threatening it would work, but he had to test to see if I'd actually do it. And I did.

Here is why day 3 is a victory though....days like this would ALWAYS result in a glass bottle of wine. I even had a bottle that I bought at the grocery store today specifically because I have a recipe planned that has 1.5 cups of wine in it. But I easily could have just say screw it and opened that bottle tonight and just buy another one later. Well....that bottle of wine is still full, unopened, and on my counter. And the best part? I don't even really mind. I'm not angry or resentful or upset that I "can't" have the wine. I really feel like I'm choosing not to have it and am totally OK with that.

And when the thunder and lightening started around 6:30 I decided that I better get on the treadmill in case this storm really opens up and I can't do it later (like if we lose power or something). So I did. 30 minutes again on the treadmill. I went farther than I have either of the last 2 nights and my average heart rate was lower. I love seeing progress even only on day 3. THESE are the things I need to focus on. Not what the scale says.

Speaking of the scale. It's only day 3 and I really want to weigh myself. I am so curious to see. Because, let's be honest, I AM doing this to lose weight. This is the difficult change to make for me. How do I shift in my brain to not focus on that? I guess just keep working at it. So. I am working on it. My next infusion is on September 15th and I will be weighed at my doctor's office. That will also be day 15. My goal for right now is to not weigh myself until I step on that scale. Then, I can determine what I've lost in about 3.5 weeks since I had my physical with my primary doc.

Tomorrow is day 4 and the real challenge begins. It's day 4, Friday, the kids are out of school, labor day weekend, and I have not yet decided which day I'm going to let myself relax a little. I don't need to be perfect, but I need to continue to track my food all but maybe one day. We'll see what happens. Only time will tell.......

Kill ALL Things!!!!

Day 2 and OMG I have already hit the "kill ALL things stage". I can tell you THIS is exactly why I usually fail at some point. I currently hate the way I feel. It's a constant mental battle. I am starving, but even when I wasn't STARVING I just had absolutely no patience for anything. My poor family......

But. Some good news.....according to my awesome Garmin Vivosmart, my final calorie differential from yesterday ending up being 1078 calories! I am ecstatic with this. If I can have a 1000 calorie differential most days I will be quite happy. And, today has been a pretty good day eating wise. I made my breakfast this morning. Ate the rest of the chicken salad that I had made yesterday for lunch (along with an apple and a string cheese). Of course then I was STARVING before dinner. Never a good thing. Dinner was going to be this recipe for taco-stuffed zucchini boats; but I didn't have some key ingredients so instead I made Italian Stuffed zucchini boats.

They were pretty darn good if I do say so myself :) Of course I had to listen to the kids complain. And, as usual, Robbie ended up eating most of his dinner while we had to fight with Mary to even eat half. Oh, and I only gave them half a serving as it was! Sigh.....

So today I was starting to think about whether or not to weigh myself and then how often to do it. I was thinking that if I really wanted to shift my focus from dieting to truly changing my lifestyle than weighing myself shouldn't be very important. I mean, if I'm staying within a reasonable calorie range 6 days out of a week and getting a bunch of exercise then I should be losing the weight. But if I'm not weighing myself than I'm kind of forced to not focus on how quickly or slowly it's happening. BUT, the drawback of this is when the scale is "being nice" and showing me what I want to see then it motivates me......or it gives me a reason to think it's ok to overeat. Sigh.

So what do you all think? Should I weigh myself once a month? Should I wait until my clothes start to get looser to see what the scale is saying? Should I just not even bother weighing myself EVER (except at the doctor's office - which would be every 8 weeks now that I think of it since that's when I get my infusion drug for Crohn's) because what does it REALLY matter (as long as you are healthy - and we all know that the number on the scale is not the only indicator of health)?!?! I think the only time I've ever eaten in a consistently healthy way and NOT weighed myself was when we did the Whole30. But, in that month when I was completely focused on eating healthy and not on what the scale said, I lost 16lbs in one month. But I've also lost 10.4lbs in 2 weeks before when I was doing Weight Watchers and training for a marathon. So. I don't think there's an easy answer. The fact of the matter is those were all times when I was focused on losing weight. Reaching X weight by X date. So perhaps that IS the key to changing my perspective. Focus on what I am eating and what I am doing fitness wise and not what the scale says. Hmmmm.......

I'm BAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!

Well hello there!!!

Yes, it's been quite a while since I blogged......but I am back!

So Facebook has this great app that shows you things you have posted on your wall on that same day in years past. This is what has made all the difference in my life today and is the reason I am back! 10 days ago Facebook starting showing me that 5 YEARS ago (wow....just wow...that's a long time) I started counting calories (again) and was posting my calorie count in my status updates. Re-reading those posts and seeing how proud I was of myself and how totally doable it seemed made me realize that I've done it before, I can do it again.

But man; it is so frustrating and embarrassing to keep starting over. I totally feel like the boy who cried wolf. This time will be different. No, this time will be different. Yadda Yadda!

So, this time I have done a little more soul searching in trying to figure out what actually WILL make this time different. And honestly, I have no idea if this time is going to be any different than any other time. I have to work on changing my mind and perspective and that isn't going to happen overnight. But, in the meantime, I can start cutting calories and working out more while I'm trying to figure it out.

So here's how it started out. I decided to put my goal weight in to be met by my 40th birthday. I've got a little bit of time so I thought that would give me enough time to not have a lot of pressure. That's different because I usually choose something within the year - or maybe a year out max. This time I'm choosing a date that's well into the future so that my calorie range feels totally doable to reach that goal.

But then today it dawned on me that I ALWAYS pick a number and an arbitrary date to try to hit said number by said date. Ugh. That's stupid! It clearly hasn't worked and I'm setting myself up for failure. What if I set 155 lbs as my "goal weight" and on my 40th birthday I weigh 160?!?! I can tell you what - I'll be disappointed. I mean, really?? It would be ridiculous to be upset, but that's how it would go. I also tend to use it to sabotage. For instance, let's say I'm doing really well and I've lost weight faster than I planned for. In those circumstances I would use that as an excuse to eat more.

So. I need to change that way of thinking. I need to start seeing food as fuel for my body and as a way to get me to my healthiest self. I need to start thinking that if I ate healthier I could probably keep my Crohn's under better control. I need to focus on getting my fitness back to where it was and then even better than where it was!

As a result, today I decided that for now I'm going to try to eat between 1400 and 1800 calories per day. I am going to try to workout at LEAST 3 times per week and increase my fitness so that I can start training again for running and triathlon events. I want the number to go down. The number NEEDS to go down. But, I'm going to TRY not to make that my biggest focus. Because I need to not focus on getting to X number by X date because that makes one believe there is an end. There is NO end. If I do the 2 things above the number WILL go down and I will become healthier and build healthy habits. Do I expect to be perfect? YES. Of course NOT! And that's another area I need to work on. I am very all or nothing and when I set out to do it I want to be perfect. When I can't be perfect I want to be as imperfect as possible!

Let's call it a new chapter in my book of life (wow, that's corny!). This is the start of the longest chapter of my book. The chapter that will be the rest of my life! That is the way I need to approach this. I know I can do it. I've done it before. But what I haven't done before is stick with it longer than a few months. I don't even think I've stuck with tracking my food for a full year straight. Let's see how many days in a row I can go with logging my food (even when I eat too much!)

Day 1 = 1656 calories eaten. 30 minute walk on the treadmill. Total calorie burn as of 10 PM tonight = 2595. Total deficit (as of 10PM) = 939 calories.

Until next time.....