Famous Last Words

I guess I lied.

In my last post I said that I thought it was going to be easier to get right back on track this week after having 2 weeks of not tracking. Yea, well, it doesn't appear to be going as easily as I would have hoped.

Let's take a minute to talk a little about something that you may find to be TMI. I've talked plenty of times on this blog about TMI things, but if you don't want to hear about it just feel free to click the X in the right corner.

Hormones are really a horrible thing. I get some serious PMS and it absolutely drives me crazy. The thing is that my PMS is all emotional and starts at least a week before my cycle starts.

Monday and Tuesday were great days this week. I would even say they were picture perfect days. I went to my class at Living Lean on Monday morning and ate 100% according to my plan. Ended the day around 1500 calories and 20/23 points. Tuesday I went to the park and ran and also ate 100% according to my plan. I ate around 1600 calories and again, 20/23 points.

Then yesterday happened. I couldn't start my day with my usual LL class because I had to drop Mary off for her dance team camp, then drop Robbie at basketball camp and get to a work meeting. Between taking Mary and Robbie I went to the park again and did the run that I would usually do today. I was proud of myself for getting my workout in even though my plans changed. I like routine and I tend to use it as an excuse when my routine gets changed. This time I just switched my Wed and Thurs plans.

I came home, showered and got ready to take Robbie and head to my work meeting. I couldn't decide if I wanted to eat breakfast because sometimes I'll end up eating lunch out after the work meeting. I decided on a banana so that I had something little in my stomach. Went to my meeting and did NOT go to lunch with my friend. On the way home I had to have a LOT of self-talk to keep me from going to Chipotle for lunch. It just sounded so good. I actually got it twice in Maryland so it's not like I haven't had it recently. But that's also probably why I wanted it. I knew that if I went it wouldn't just be my normal salad (which is like 600 calories in and of itself), but it would be chips and guac as well.....because it was just one of those days.

I won that battle and came home to make myself some lunch. And then it started to fall apart. I had lots of points/calories to play with since it was now after noon and all I had all day was a banana. I actually made the breakfast I've been eating this week because that sounded the best to me (eggs, waffles, chicken sausage). I can't really remember but then the grazing started. I had a bag of chips - I counted those. I had a big bowl of fruit. But then I started taking a handful of animal crackers one after another and I didn't count those. While watching my son's baseball game I ate a few of the sunflower seeds that my hubby brought. Then we went to Menchie's after his game and I did not get the little bit of sorbet that I will sometimes get when we go there. Sigh......

The food that I chose to eat doesn't necessarily bother me. What bothers me is the feeling that I'm not in control. It's the feeling that there is something beyond my control willing me to keep snacking and keeping me not full or satisfied. I mean, I should have been sick to my stomach by the end of the night and I wasn't. Welcome, PMS.

I realized after yesterday that I'm right around that week+ before my period and that at least explains why this is happening. But, that doesn't help it. Frankly, that makes me want to just give in. I want to say, "I can just not track this weekend and get back to it AGAIN Monday."

Today was fine, again, until right after dinner. This morning I had my normal breakfast (minus the sausage cuz I'm out). I then had my infusion today so my lunch was a DQ ice cream cone. I believe I've already talked about the fact that I get a small twist cone EVERY time I get my infusion. It's my little reward to myself for sitting through my infusion every 8 weeks 😆

I got home from that and made my planned dinner of pork tenderloin and broccoli. I ate that and then again with those handfuls of the damn animal crackers! 😡Again, I'm probably not "off" on my calories today. I started the day with a LL workout and I will likely have a calorie burn today of around 2500 calories. But see, that's not the point! The scale this morning was actually down to 192.6 so clearly what I ate yesterday didn't do any immediate "damage"; but how I feel is the point. I'm not eating these things or making these choices because it's what I really want. If it was then it would be what it is and I would be OK with it.

You're probably thinking, if you don't want to eat these things why are you?? Such a simple concept right? If you don't want to do it just stop. Again, welcome PMS. I can't give you an answer to that. This happens EVERY month and yet I'm still managing to lose weight through it so clearly I keep it in check most of the time. I'm frankly keeping it in check now. But it's just so damn frustrating.

This is also the time that I tend to doubt what I'm doing. If there comes a time when I'm thinking of trying something different or changing things up; it's usually around the same time that I'm experiencing this PMS. I try to remind myself of that and make myself wait to make any of those decisions until later in the month. If I still want to make a change (like when I decided to start WW again), then I'll go for it. If it was just me being PMS emotional then the feeling will pass.

Lots of my posts lately have been so very positive and that's because that really is how I've been feeling. But I thought it was time to show that it hasn't changed overnight. There are still lots of struggles and sometimes not the best choices are made. I will never be perfect and that's OK. As long as I keep fighting the fight it's all good!

Vacation Part 2

I have barely any pics from the 2nd part of vacation so I'll just continue to bombard you with our awesome Disney pics.

The Disney part of the vacation was done on Saturday. We started the day in Animal Kingdom and quickly decided that next time we will not visit a park on our leaving travel day. We were pretty well spent from the week and knew we had about a 6 hour drive ahead of us. We ended up leaving the park even earlier than we had originally planned and were on the road around 1 PM. 

Our plan for that Saturday was to drive to South Carolina, spend the night and then drive to Maryland the next day. My husband had a conference that he had to get to on Sunday evening so we had no choice but to go straight there. When we originally planned this trip he thought the conference was the following week. So after another 2 days of driving we arrived at the Gaylord National Resort in National Harbor, MD. 

Here's the real kicker. Because Mary had to get back home for dance team practices we decided that I would drive from Maryland to PA to meet my parents. Yes, my parents are amazing. Not only did they take our son for 5 days, but drove 3 hours one way to pick them up! My parents took the kids and dropped Mary at our neighbors and took Robbie home with them. I ventured BACK to Maryland to have some quality time with my hubby. 

One of the only pics I got while at National Harbor

Once again I noticed some pretty major changes that have happened with my way of thinking. I was very frustrated Monday night because I got stuck in some major traffic on my way back to National Harbor. It was now almost 8 by the time I was back and showered and the only food I had all day was when I met my parents in PA around 1 PM. I was irritated and hungry. We went to Cadillac Ranch and they have these "nacho's" on their menu that are basically loaded waffle fries. Um, yum! In the past I would have easily shared that appetizer with Drew and then also get an entire meal myself. I decided that their Two Apples Spinach Salad sounded really good and it was basically a side salad so it wouldn't be huge. I still had wine and I'm still positive this meal was way more calories than I needed; but the big deal is that I would have eaten a lot more even just a year ago. The other difference is the salad is really what sounded the best to me. And OMG it was good! 

So back in 2015 when we went to Disney we actually did the same trip. We went straight from Disney to National Harbor because Drew attended the same conference. That time the kids stayed in National Harbor with us. I really wish that this time Mary and I would have taken the time to recreate the above pic. I actually really loved this pic in 2015 even though I couldn't stand how I looked. It's unfortunate I don't have one from this year to show you. 

So during this week I actually think I probably did more "damage" than the week at Disney. I'm not sure that I was eating much more, but I wasn't taking 20,000+ steps a day. I spent time during the days working (since I work remotely and Drew was in meetings anyway) and then in the evenings we would walk to dinner and walk around the harbor for a little while. I did go down to the gym on both Tuesday and Wednesday so I was proud of myself for that. 

I ended up buying Mary a shirt that I think I might end up stealing. I was texting her pics of the shirts to choose from and it ended up that the one she liked best didn't have any in XS. The smallest they actually had in that one was a medium; but she decided she liked it enough and would wear it big. This shirt looked quite big to me so I decided to try it on back in our room. I texted her this pic and told her that I might just keep the shirt for myself! I know this shirt is cut big, but I still can't believe I fit into any medium size shirt! I probably will end up wearing it more than Mary will 😆 

We got home on Thursday evening and on Friday I stepped on the scale to see my official post vacation weigh in. I was a little nervous because on one hand I had given myself permission to gain weight and as long as I didn't see 200 again I told myself I'd be OK. BUT, I had been feeling like I really did such a good job so I really didn't think I should have gained a ton so I was nervous to see what the scale would reflect. Friday morning the scale read 195.2! That's only a gain of 3.2 pounds in 2 weeks of being away! 2 weeks of eating out for every meal of every day. 2 weeks of giving myself permission to eat whatever I wanted; whenever I wanted. 2 weeks of drinking plenty of wine! 

Now here's the kicker and here is where I have always struggled. I decided to let myself continue to have the weekend and just get back to it on Monday. That's a slippery slope because it gets harder and harder to get back on track once you let yourself hit pause for a while. What I will tell you though is that I don't think it's going to be that hard. I have goals. I think I've finally convinced myself that I CAN do this and that I WILL do this this time. I am so proud of where I'm at, but I'm not yet content. Remember how I talked about already feeling complacent last year on my birthday? Basically because I was fitting into clothes that I had in my closet that hadn't fit yet, I was finding it harder and harder to stay on track. Now, I've had to go out and buy new clothes because the clothes I have don't fit; but this time it drives me to continue to stay on track. I have a bag full of size 12 clothes from my sister that I want to fit into. 

So getting back on track after vacations has notoriously been harder for me than not gaining a ton of weight when ON vacation. If I look at my weight from some of the other Disney trips we've taken, I usually gain only a couple of pounds.....but then in the next few weeks of being home I gain several more pounds! I went back to weighing myself every day because I do think that for now it has been helping me. Saturday my weight jumped more than a pound, but I didn't panic. I knew that I was going to get back on track on Monday and that I didn't actually GAIN more than a pound overnight. The next morning it went down .2 and on Sunday it went down another .2. By yesterday morning the scale read 196.2 - so another pound up from Friday and 4.2 pounds up from the start of the vacation. Honestly, I was fine with this. 

Mary and I are the big blue blob. It was raining and Mary and I
were sharing a poncho (long story) so we covered ourselves
with it for the ride. We were laughing the whole time. 

I never gave myself a number of what I would be OK with me gaining while on vacation, but I think I always had 5 lbs in my head. I wanted my weight to be 195 so that I'd have that 5 pound buffer. So I think that's why the 4.2 pounds didn't bother me because it was still less than 5 and I had definite plans to get back on track. I also know that because it came on so quickly it will likely come off quickly. It's not actual fat; it's water weight and bloat. 

So yesterday was the day to get back to it. I hate calling it back on track because I don't necessarily see what I was doing as being "off track". I was consciously not trying to lose weight for those 2 weeks. Anyway, yesterday started another time period of being more "strict" with my food choices. I went back to what worked so well in April. I stayed 100% on program yesterday eating my 3 meals and Enlightened bar to end my day. I ate nothing in between meals and ended my day having used 20 of my 23 points. According to MFP it was right around 1500 calories. I also got back to drinking my water. I have been pretty perfect with drinking a gallon (or just slightly under) of water EVERY DAY. These last 2 weeks I maybe drank half that amount (or even less than half). When I got on the scale this morning it had dropped 3 pounds from yesterday! That means I am only 1.2 pounds away from my pre-vacation weight after just ONE day of being strict. 

From April 1st to May 1st I lost 14.6 pounds. I tracked every single day and never went over my weekly points.  From May 1st to May 26th I lost 2.2 pounds. I also did not track 9 of those 26 days in May. My plan is to get back to that tracking every day and staying within my points for the next 25 days. 

Back to it! I have goals to crush! 

Vacation Part 1

Did you miss me??

4 AM - time to hit the road! 

I actually wanted to blog before we left for vacation but I just wasn't able to find the time. I wanted to report my final official PRE-vacation weigh in! So, on Friday May 26th I weighed in at 192 pounds. 3 pounds below my goal of 195 and only 2 pounds above my hopeful goal of 190. Needless to say this was a great way to start vacation.

We left around 4 AM Saturday and drove to Savannah so we could break up the drive a bit. We went to Houlihan's for dinner and I was super proud of the fact that I chose the salad. It was what I wanted. I didn't choose it because I had to, I chose it because it sounded good and nothing else sounded "worth it". I'm also sure there were plenty of calories in this particular salad.

Sunday we got up and got right on the road. We decided we had enough snacks, etc. that we didn't even need to get breakfast. When we made a stop and got some more snacks at the vending machine I decided to get cheese/peanut butter crackers. This is a big deal to me because I didn't get a candy bar simply because I "could" because I had given myself permission to basically eat whatever I wanted for vacation. I chose crackers because I was pretty hungry and wanted something more like real food than a candy bar. I also knew what was on the menu for later that day so I wanted to save myself!

Day 2 of vacation & salad 2 of vacation! 

The awesomeness in the pic above was what was on the menu. It's called the "Kitchen Sink" and it's amazing. It's something like 8 scoops of ice cream, every topping they have (which is a ton) and a whole can of whipped cream! This is what learning balance is about. When we got lunch around 1 PM I knew we were getting this at 4ish so I didn't really need a huge lunch, but I also hadn't eaten anything but crackers all day so I needed something. I chose the 310 calorie salad at Earl of Sandwich in Disney Springs. It was yummy and perfect. I wasn't stuffed at all and left plenty of room for the hundreds of calories I later had in ice cream! And that ice cream ended up being dinner.

Mary started taking pictures right away when we got there and for the first time in a long time I was totally on board with it. And I couldn't believe how thin I think my face looked in these pictures. It's been so long since I have looked at a picture of myself and thought any part of me looked "thin". I think taking and looking at these pictures helped keep me a little focused to stay somewhat mindful of my eating.

1 AM and in our 4th park that day! 

Monday started the long week of 6 consecutive days in the parks. We have never purchased the "park hopper" before, but decided that we would splurge on it this time. This means that we could go to any of the 4 parks every day we were there. We definitely got our money's worth on this! We went to at least 2 parks every day but one; and on Wednesday we went to all 4 parks in one day!

Throughout the week I tended to try to keep my food in check by only eating twice a day most days. Mary and I would also frequently split meals. I swear I felt like I was maintaining my weight, or even losing weight throughout the week! I kind of wished I had my scale! 😄But, I think I started to get more and more relaxed as the week went on partly because I felt like I was doing so well. So perhaps if I DID have access to a scale I would have eaten more because I had already given myself permission to gain weight. 

Seriously though, WHERE have my babies gone?!?!

We seriously took so many pictures between the Disney Photopass people and the pics that we took! I want to share all of them because I love them all and that's such new territory for me! It's been kind of hard deciding which ones to put in this post and I've put in a lot! I also already posted a few transformation pics from previous trips to Disney. I didn't post any comparison pics from our first trip in 2011. I wasn't sure if there would be that big of a difference because I only weigh about 8 pounds less than I did when we went then. But, it was still fun to do the side by side pic because of how much the kids have changed! 😲I may not look too different in the 2011 vs 2018 pics, but I will tell you that the shorts I wore in 2011 were one of the pairs that I just recently got rid of because they were literally falling off of me. The shorts I'm wearing in this year's pic are a 14...2 sizes smaller than what I'm wearing in the 2011 pic. I'm also wearing a large top this time vs XL in 2011.

On the last night we were there we did some shopping for souvenirs. I bought a zip up hooded sweatshirt when we went in 2012 and I wear it all the time. It had gotten to a point where it barely fit and now it is so big I am swimming in it (but still wear it all the time). That sweatshirt was an XL. I decided I wanted to get a new zip up hoodie that fits a little better. I tried on the large and when I zipped it up I decided it was still bigger than I wanted! I mean, I figured that we likely won't be back to Disney for a few years and I still plan to lose more weight. I ended up buying the MEDIUM sweatshirt! It fits me well enough now that I've been wearing it, but it's a little more "fitted" than I usually wear a hoodie. Talk to me in 20 more pounds and see how it fits!

All in all it was a great vacation. I was super proud of the decisions I made throughout the entire time I was there. I ate what I wanted to eat, but didn't eat anything "just because". Stay tuned for Vacation Part 2........