So Much To Say

Usually when it's been this long between posts it means not so great things for me. It means that I once again have fallen off the wagon and am sick of posting the same old blog posts talking about how HARD it is.

My last post was June 17th when I was talking about good things with my weight loss journey and also annoyances with sizing for women's clothes. At the end of that post I was talking about the fact that I had reached a number on the scale that I hadn't seen since before 2013 and that I was only 2 pounds away from another decade.

Forget about how different I look...what the heck happened to my babies???

On July 16th I posted this comparison picture on Facebook. I did it because I am working on re-training my brain. I need to work on my self-esteem when it comes to how I SEE myself. I have a pretty good self-esteem when it comes to lots of things; just not with how I look.

I am so hard on myself all the time that eventually I just decide I must not be worth it. I don't think this was ever my conscious feeling; but clearly that is what has been happening over the last few years. There have been so many times when I've been losing weight and at some point I start to feel like it's not enough: not fast enough, not enough weight lost, etc. And obviously, this causes me to get frustrated and just give up completely. And yes, to be fair, I was quite sick between 2013 and 2015 and that was when I struggled the most with my weight. I had to fight every day just to function and had no energy left to fight with myself about what to eat (not to mention having the energy to actually exercise). BUT, it's not like I've only struggled with my weight since getting sick in 2013. I can acknowledge that as one reason why I've struggled so much over the last few years; but it's not the only reason.

2014 - Whole30 days 1 and 31

I am FINALLY feeling better with my health that I have the energy to fight the healthy living battle. It's amazing what you can do when you don't feel like you need to fight just to get through your day. I would say that I re-started this journey in Sept 2015. Yes, I took a hiatus from about December - March, but I never gained back all my weight so I am still seeing Sept at my "start date" for this time around. However, when I think about the amount of weight I've lost I naturally go to my highest weight I've ever recorded on April 22, 2014. That was the day I started the Whole30. Want to hear the really good news?? I have NEVER seen that number again! I lost over 16 pounds while I did the Whole30 and never gained it ALL back. This is actually pretty amazing for me. So, really, I started this journey on April 22, 2014.

Start date doesn't matter. The fact that I never give up is what matters. Every time I feel like I have given up I eventually realize I haven't because I get started again. I could go through old blog posts and count the number of times I said "this time will be different" or "this time IS different". So, I am not going to say that this time is different or will be different. What I am going to say is that for the first time in a long time (since probably 2011), I really feel like I might succeed this time. I am really feeling like I can keep this going indefinitely (which is what I need to do since maintaining is not any less of a battle than losing). Maybe what is helping is watching my mom go through her transformation of late. I know I mentioned it before, but she has lost somewhere around 50 pounds. It has probably taken her over a year to do it, but it feels like it happened over night (perhaps not to her).

So who cares if I still haven't lost all my weight by a certain date? And frankly, what does "all my weight" even mean? What arbitrary number am I trying to get to and why? Because some chart tells me that is what I "should" weigh? What I know is that I want to weigh less than I do now. I want to be able to run faster and farther. I want to be able to buy a women's cut shirt (even if it is an XL) and not have it be skin tight. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin when I do wear fitted clothes (which is frankly already happening).

October 2012 - Columbus Marathon

Today; in this moment, I am proud of myself. I am proud of every step I take each day towards reaching my goal. I am proud when I am able to find some balance and still indulge while continuing to lose weight. I am proud that I am able to see the many positive things that I am doing and that are happening with my body and mind. I realized today that the number on the scale this morning was pretty darn close to where I was when I crossed the finish line of my first full marathon! And, to touch on what I was talking about in my last post; I have hit a new decade and am almost halfway through this one to the next. As of getting on the scale this morning my weight is 34+ pounds lighter than it was on April 22, 2014 when I weighed my absolute heaviest. I am feeling positive and confident. I'll take it!

Strong vs. Skinny part 2

I do have lots of positive things to say in today's post; but first I have to just air out some annoyances.

I posted back on April 20th  about how I was frustrated while watching Dr. Oz because they were talking about that new show called Strong. The basic idea of that post was that I think these shows are just feeding into the thought that women are supposed to be skinny and being strong is great; as long as you're skinny and strong.

So today I was feeling SO good after getting on the scale this morning. I've been feeling pretty good lately and know that even when my scale wasn't really moving; it would at some point because I was staying below 1500 calories every day (except last Sunday). The scale rewarded me today for my hard work (but I'll get to that a little later).

After a pretty awesome jazzercise class with my daughter, we decided to go to Dick's Sporting Goods to buy some Cleveland Cavaliers shirts. The only shirt I have is a long-sleeved shirt and since it's now June that isn't really helping me cheer on the team in the Finals. I have been meaning to go to Dick's for WEEKS now and just hadn't gotten around to it. Since the Cavs won game 6 last night I decided I had to make it to the store now! Mary was wanting a shirt too so we went on our way home from jazzercise. I had seen some of the Adidas brand shirts online and I thought the woman cut shirts were cute. A nice v-neck and just a little more feminine than a regular, unisex t-shirt (but preferably not SKIN TIGHT).

Here's my first thing: I knew going into this that I would for sure need a 2xl in the woman's cut and even that would probably be more fitted than I wanted. This annoys the CRAP out of me! What are we telling women and young girls in this world about the size women should be? Now, I am not delusional about my size. I know that I'm a big girl and I frankly think it's appropriate that I would need a 2xl. But I also think a 2xl should fit me and not still be tighter than I want it to be. I think the double standard of the size of girls vs boys is ridiculous. I saw this awesome post on Facebook once where a guy put on his girlfriend's "extra large" shirt. This shirt was absolutely skin tight on him and he is maybe a medium. A MEDIUM!!!! There should not be that big of a difference. He also stated how she was in no way "extra large" by any definition.

Ok. The next thing that ticked me off was the fact that we went to Dick's to find shirts and they only carry up to XL in the ladies cut. I believe they went up to 2XL in the men's cut. This annoys me because I KNOW that Adidas made these shirts in 2XL in ladies. I don't think I've ever seen Dick's carry a size bigger than XL for ladies. I guess us big girls aren't wanted at Dick's. That's fine. I can take my money elsewhere.

What's annoying is us big girls have to start somewhere. If there aren't workout clothes to start in, how are we supposed to do what we need to do to get healthy? And I can guarantee you that even when I lose all my weight I would probably still only fit into an XL if it's a women's cut.

This especially made me angry today of all days because I was feeling REALLY good about myself. When I got on the scale this morning I saw a number I haven't seen since before 2013! The number today put me at 18.8 pounds down since March 20th; 11 pounds down since June 1st; over 25 pounds down since this time last year; less than 2 pounds away from a new decade; and lighter than I weighed when I completed my first half marathon in 2009!! Things are going well. I feel good and continue to feel motivated. I will do another post on a specific update about Nutrisystem....what I like, what I don't like, where I'm planning to go from here, etc.

1st week COMPLETE

I think it would be funny (or not) to see how many times since I started this blog in 2012 I had a week 1 weigh in. But, like I've said before, that means I haven't given up yet!

So, last week was week 1 with Nutrisystem. The program they have now is called "Turbo10" and in your first month's package they give you a special week 1 program to "jumpstart" your weight loss. They give you 7 breakfasts, 7 lunches, 7 dinners, 7 turboshakes and 7 nutricrush shakes. You basically eat one of each of those things a day plus 4 servings (at least) of veggies and 64 oz of water. You are allowed to eat as many veggies as you want, but are supposed to get at least 4 servings. By yesterday I was actually even forgetting to get all my 4 servings of veggies in because I wasn't feeling overly hungry in between meals - awesome!

I decided to start tracking my food on sparkpeople again because that is the website I was using when I lost alot of weight in 2011. So, I quickly noticed that OF COURSE you'll lose weight in the first week because you aren't even eating 1200 calories per day! Yes, I know that eating less than 1200 calories for an extended period of time is not good and TRUST me when I say you have nothing to worry about! This was one week and I can not WAIT to go back to eating more calories on a daily basis!

Having said that, however, I will say that this first week really wasn't THAT bad. Perhaps it's because I had been fasting for 2 days per week so I was getting used to dealing with feeling hungry for a finite period of time. I knew that if I was hungry I would get to eat again in a few hours so it wasn't the end of the world. No one likes feeling hungry; but if we just chill out and realize we WILL in fact get to eat again (and soon) it's easier to deal with.

I was most proud of the fact that I followed the program almost perfectly for 7 days. I only say almost because I made caramelized onions and peppers a lot. I would cook them in oil and sometimes a little butter too. BUT, I was counting that in my tracker and even with that I was still ending most days around 1030 calories. I was all excited about being able to actually EAT today. What's funny about that is I ended the day right around 1330 calories and that included going to get ice cream after my son's baseball game! I chose the strawberry lemonade and watermelon sorbet with a few tiny chocolate chips. OMG it was SO good....and only about 100 calories since it's non-fat, non-dairy sorbet.

So are you wondering how well I did with my week 1 weigh in today?? Well, needless to say I was quite happy this morning. I have NEVER lost this much weight in one week. My total loss for week 1 was 7.8 pounds!!!! That puts me at a total of 15.6 pounds lost since March 20th and about 22 pounds lost since this time last year. I am absolutely not regretting having made this decision anymore. It did exactly what it needed to do and reignited my spark. I am feeling totally determined and confident that I CAN do this (again) and this time all the way to maintenance! Only time will tell and I'll be embarrassed if I eventually have to eat my words; but I won't EVER give up and that's all that really matters.

On to week 2.......

Small Changes = Big Successes

I wrote a blog post not so long ago about how I was no longer focusing on how fast I could lose this weight, but doing it in such a way that I could sustain it forever. You might be wondering why I then decided to start Nutrisystem and have a very strict week to "jump start" my weight loss. I've been sort of wondering that myself.

I've been thinking about why I made such a drastic decision to start a relatively restrictive program when I've been saying all along that I don't do as well when I put pressure on myself. The fact of the matter is I haven't done all that well, period. I can give whatever reason or excuse I want to, but I've fluctuated between 230 and 250 since 2013. Obviously what I've been doing isn't working. What I implemented in September WAS working; but it stopped for whatever reason. I should say, I stopped...for whatever reason. I think it comes down to the fact that I will always stop for some reason, for some amount of time. I think in reality almost everyone does. The difference is how long they stop for and how much "damage" they do when they stop. And perhaps THIS has to be the difference for me. 

In that blog post I said that there are times when food fuels your body and there are times when it just fills your stomach with not much nutritional value and that has GOT to be OK sometimes (for me at least). I still believe that to be true. However, I think I'm starting to realize that that is a great way to MAINTAIN my weight. And frankly, even though it has fluctuated by as many as 20 pounds; I would say that I've done an OK job of "maintaining" my weight for the last 3 years. I'll tell you what; if I can manage to fluctuate between 160 and 180 for the rest of my lift I will TAKE that and RUN! I clearly need to figure out how to get there because I think I have this "maintaining" thing down pretty well. It would also be nice if I could figure out how to not have it take 20 pounds before I decide I need to stop gaining weight!

So here's what I think is great about having made the decision now to try NS: My scale registered as low as 227.4 back in December; but only for a second before I was back up above 230 again. When the scale read 229.6 back on 4/29 and then 229 on 5/6....and STILL 229 on 5/13, I felt pretty determined to not let it go back up. BUT, I could feel myself slipping. I got out of focus due to my life circumstances and could just tell that getting myself re-focused wasn't going to be easy. Hence, I actually think making the decision to make a drastic choice like Nutrisystem was the smartest thing I have done in a LONG time. I made the decision towards the end of May so I had decided I was going to start June 1st because I wasn't going to challenge myself even more by starting on a holiday weekend. This allowed me to have about a week "off" with no guilt and without going too far backwards before starting again. My starting weight for Nutrisystem was 232.8. I was actually totally happy with that since I pretty much wasn't doing much for the majority of May and definitely went overboard eating and drinking the last few days of the month. So, not only did I "only" gain 3.8lbs;  but I knew a lot of that was just bloat and water weight from the days right before starting. Case in point...in one day on Nutrisystem I was back down 3 of those 3.8lbs.  

The fact that this time it didn't even take me gaining weight to realize that I needed to do something different to kick things into gear is awesome. I felt myself losing my focus and really didn't want to move backwards so I did something about it. Yes I went back above 230; but only for a second and only because I knew that I was going to be doing something strict so I was pretty confident whatever I gained would be lost quickly.

So  maybe I use NS for the next 2 months and then move to something else. Maybe I decide I really like it and the weight is just melting away so I stay on it for the next 6+ months. I don't know yet. But what I do know is that I'm no longer embarrassed about making the decision to try something else. I'm actually proud of myself. I'm proud that as soon as I felt my focus wavering I did something to get that focus back.

In the end I'm not changing my tune from that blog post. I still think I need to figure out a way to eat that will maintain my weight loss once I get there. I'm just realizing that I need to get there before I can worry about how I'll maintain it once I'm there. I'm not necessarily saying I need to focus on losing the weight fast or anything. I'm just saying maybe I can deal with being a little more strict now (which, in turn would likely lead to faster weight loss), so that I can get to the point where I am learning how to maintain.

Until next time.......

Impatience in NOT a virtue!

It appears I have a LOT to say today. Consider yourself warned for an even longer than usual post!

You know what is really funny? Reading through my old blog posts one right after the other. It is hilarious how often I contradict myself or change my tune. It's great how many times since 2012 I've said that THIS time is going to be different. I do like that one time I finally said I have no idea if this time will actually be different.

So, I left you last with my post about maintaining through a difficult time. Initially I was perfectly happy with maintaining my weight. The problem was (is) that it is always a slippery slope for me when I'm no longer focusing on a certain strategy. The strategy may be to eat healthy 4-5 days out of a week and not focus on the weekend. It may be to calorie count all the time and try to stay under a certain number of calories. It may be to fast a couple of days a week and then eat to maintain the rest of the time. Whatever it is, I need to be following some sort of a plan. When I start to fall short of whatever plan I'm on at the time, I obviously lose my focus and start to slip more and more.

Prior to my mother in-law's death I had started a new plan. I hadn't discussed it on the blog because it's kind of a controversial way to lose weight and I didn't feel like having to defend my decision. I had done a ton of research on it prior and was confident it was a good decision for me. And I still think it wasn't a bad one. I followed IF (intermittent fasting) for about a month. If you google IF you'll find lots of information on it and lots of different programs you can follow. The one I followed was called Eat Stop Eat. Basically I was fasting for 24 hours 2 times a week and then eating to maintain (so like 2000 calories) on the other days. This was working quite well for me. I lost almost 9lbs in the month that I did it. But then my mother in law died and I lost my focus. I was back in that limbo phase of not really doing anything, but still kind of trying to lose weight. That's not a good place to be.

On Mother's Day we got together with my family and I saw my sister after she had been on Nutrisystem for about 6 months. I have not seen my sister look that small in a long time. So my mom looks awesome because she's lost a bunch of weight and my eldest sister looks great because she's lost 30+ pounds and then my other sister has also lost about 30lbs since the beginning of this year. Obviously as I was still focused on dealing with Marty's death I wasn't concerned about any of this at this point.

Fast forward to the days after the funeral and the need to get things back to "normal" and I found myself researching Nutrisystem. I have tried MANY weight loss programs. Basically ALL programs work for me (and for anyone for that matter) as long as you're able and willing to work them. It's finding the program (or programs) that will continue to work for you forever. I think what I'm finding is I may need to forever change things up a bit to keep me from getting bored or something.

Sorry for the language but this one was too perfect!

The IF was working great and I was happy doing it. But, I found myself slowly eating more and more on my eat days. It was likely just because I lost focus, but when I lose focus on the program I'm currently doing I tend to find it hard to find that focus again. I felt stupid (and still feel stupid actually) even considering doing Nutrisystem. I mean, I keep trying all these new things and NOTHING seems to work for me. Why would I think that this would be any different? And it's not cheap by any stretch of the imagination. I have never done something like Nutrisystem or Jenny Craig before because I refuse to cook and eat separate meals from my family. But when I was talking to Drew about it I thought perhaps that's part of the problem. I'm not willing to try something that might actually work for me because I'm too focused on taking care of everyone else but me. So what if I use Nutrisystem to lose weight and the rest of the family needs to fend for themselves for a few months? If it means they have a healthier, happier mom/wife isn't it worth it?? What appealed to me about Nutrisystem was the fact that I wouldn't have to think about it. They send you food and you eat that food along with fresh fruit/veggies and you're good to go.

Drew told me that if I was going to do it he would do it with me. That made me feel a little less stupid because it made me feel like he at least was supporting me and not thinking I'm being ridiculous by trying yet another weight loss program. I justified the price by taking it out of our food budget for the month and hoping that the rest of the groceries I need won't push us too far over that budget.

Remember this. Always keep looking for what works for YOU.

On June 1st we officially started Nutrisystem. With the Turbo10 program the first week is VERY strict and it's designed to help "jump start" your weight loss. I am back to weighing myself every day because I realized that when I lost all that weight in 2011 I weighed myself EVERY DAY (minus a day here and there) for over 6 months! I stopped weighing (and recording) my weight every day and I gained the weight back. When looking at my numbers from back then I realize that the number on the scale each day must not have bothered me because there were days I was up multiple pounds in a day....and I just kept going. So, I track my weight daily again, but I also plan to look at my weight on a weekly basis (since the daily weight fluctuates so much). I started Nutrisystem on a Wednesday so that means Wednesday's will be my official weigh in day.

I have not yet decided how long I am going to stay on Nutrisystem. I have to do it for at least 2 months because you basically get a "discount" when you sign up for the auto-delivery program. If you cancel after only one month you end up having to pay a $99 fee since you are paying back that discount. It's expensive enough that I refuse to pay that extra $99. So, 2 months at minimum. My guess is Drew probably won't need much more than those 2 months so perhaps he'll stop after that and I'll keep going for a little while. Perhaps 2 months on this will be the kick start I need to get myself back into the habit of not only counting calories, but keeping my calories around 1500 a day (which is about where I was in 2011 when I lost weight). I know I don't NEED Nutrisystem to do that since I've done it in the past. But, if it helps to get me totally back on track finally (after 5 years!) then so be it!

Maintaining through a difficult time....

Two weeks ago today my mother in law passed away. She fought lung cancer like a beast for 10+ years and about 3 weeks ago she ended up in the emergency room with pneumonia. 6 days later she was gone. Even though we were blessed with 10+ years of time with her that we really didn't think we would have; this death still came as quite a shock to all of us. One week before winding up in the hospital she was watching my daughter's spring concert. Just 3 short weeks before she passed, she planned and hosted a huge family get together for a memorial for another family member.

Picture taken October 2010

All that being said it has obviously been a pretty tough 3 weeks for my family. When dealing with a difficult time it is SO easy to just slack off on any healthy eating plan. The week that she was in the hospital my husband was rarely home for dinner so I found myself not cooking for the 3 of us. I think part of it was I was feeling stressed as well and didn't want to be bothered with it. I was focused on how he was doing and on just doing what I needed to do to take care of the kids and prepare them for the inevitable. I tried to stay on track as well as I could and I was totally fine with that. 

November 2015 - last Christmas card picture taken

In my last blog post I mentioned that on April 29th when I got on the scale I had officially lost 11 pounds from my "recommitment" weight on March 20th. My scale said 229.6 on that day. The next week (on May 6th - the same day we lost my mother in-law), my scale registered 229. I managed to still lose .6lbs when dealing with this terrible time in my family's life. Well, the hard times were just beginning really. As hard as it is to wait for the inevitable to happen; after it happens you have a whole new world to deal with. My children have never experienced a death in the family before (other than a pet). To lose a grandmother is ALWAYS hard;  but to lose a grandma whom they saw on pretty much a weekly or bi-weekly basis is something I can't even imagine. It was hard for me when I lost my first grandparent and they lived in a different state and I probably saw them once or twice a year! 

Ok. So my diet/exercise/healthy living plan/whatever was the LAST thing on my mind starting May 6th. Obviously when dealing with death you quickly realize that there are more important things than how you look. However, you also realize how SHORT life is and you want to do whatever is possible to prolong that life. Interesting concept. 

For the week after her passing while we had to deal with planning a funeral, celebrating not only Mother's Day on the 8th; but also the fact that this year Mother's Day would have been her 68th birthday; and then ultimately having the funeral, I did not worry about my food choices and did not track anything. Did I drink wine? You bet I did! Did I stop at Wendy's to get lunch prior to going to the funeral home to help plan the funeral? Yup. Did I feel guilty or stressed about any of the decisions I was making? Nope! I still got on the scale on the next Friday and miraculously I saw staring back at me 229. I managed to maintain through probably the hardest week of my life (so far). 

On to this past week and I felt a renewed sense of motivation. I got right back on track. I went to jazzercise on Monday, got on the treadmill AND went to my strength class on Tuesday, went back to jazzercise on Wednesday, and got on the treadmill AND went to strength class on Thursday. I got on the scale this morning and still saw 229. Of course there was a small part of me that was disappointed that it hadn't gone down; but I keep in mind that I took the ENTIRE week off last week. There was more eating and drinking than usual and although I got back on track on Monday; that was only 4 days ago. 

So I'm happy. I'm happy that even when dealing with this particularly difficult time I have NOT gained weight. I have not stressed about my weight and whether or  not that scale jumped back above 230. And even though I've thought about it (because obviously I'm focused on losing weight), I have not stressed about how maintaining for 2 weeks in a row (and only losing .6 the week before) is slowing down my "average weight loss". I really DON'T CARE! I am trying really hard to just focus on the fact that if I can be on track more than I am off I will lose weight. I am trying even harder to not stress about it. When I stress about it or when I start to think about wanting to lose 20lbs overnight is when I inevitably fail. I know I've said it before, but when I am STRESSING about losing weight is when I GAIN. So, the goal is to keep trying, but NOT stress. Even if I average "only" 1/2 pound per week, I will weigh 26 pounds less in a year than I do now. It may not be 50 pounds, it may not be all the weight I have to lose, but it will be 26 pounds less than I weigh now and that's all that matters.

Time for an update!!

On March 23rd I wrote a blog post about how I started this online "biggest loser" challenge. Then, on April 21st I wrote another blog post with the results of that challenge. It's only May 1st, but I felt like it was time for another update; because for once things are staying positive for me!

I feel like I might actually be finding my balance. I am really trying to be realistic and patient in this process this time. Back in September 2015 I started a process in which I was being pretty strict with my eating during the week and I was allowing myself to be more relaxed on the weekend. I was losing 4.8-5lbs a month when I was doing this. By December I was down 16.6 pounds and feeling pretty good. But then I got a little too relaxed and by Jan 1st I had gained back 5.2lbs. I was actually OK with this and was then trying to get back on track. The problem was I somehow got back into my old way of thinking and I wanted to lose weight more quickly. I don't know why I didn't just go back to what I was doing in the fall, but I didn't. While trying to get back on track I eventually gained back all but about 3lbs. I guess the good news is that I got it back under control before I gained back everything I had lost (plus 10 pounds). The bad news is that I'm still not back down to where I was in December and that's just kind of annoying.

In March a friend told me about the biggest loser challenge and I decided why not? But, the problem was that I was still trying to figure out what to do that would help me lose weight "quickly". And frankly, this group fed into that thinking since it's a 30 day group and one of the prizes is for the greatest amount of weight lost (percentage) in the month. This pressure got to me and I was probably more off than on during that 30 days. But in the end I still lost over 7lbs in that month. That's more than I was losing in the fall and I was perfectly happy with my rate of loss in the fall.

Somewhere in this process I stopped worrying about how FAST I was going to lose this weight and started focusing on doing it in a way that I can sustain for the rest of my life. There is a reason why I am still well over 200lbs. There is a reason why I keep gaining the weight back after I lose it. I like love food. There are times when I will literally get mad if I can't just eat what I want. I need to figure out a way to take any negative feels and guilt away from food. Food is food. It tastes good. It fuels your body and sometimes it just fills your stomach without adding much nutritional value to your day......and that has GOT to be OK sometimes (for me).

I am absolutely thrilled to report that I have seemed to get my mind in the right place again. As much as I might want to be at or near a certain arbitrary number by my 40th birthday, if I'm not but I'm still losing weight I'll be smaller than I am now. Did you follow me there? I feel like that wasn't a great sentence! LOL

Basically, I came to the realization that it doesn't really matter if I weigh 160 pounds on my 40th birthday or 180 pounds; as long as I don't weight 240 pounds. I look at my mom who has lost quite a bit of weight recently. She actually isn't even sure how much weight she has lost because it depends on when she starts counting from ;) But, when she breaks it down she really hasn't lost the weight all that fast. But to me (and I think even to her), it feels like she was overweight yesterday and she's not anymore today. We all know how quickly a year passes, right? I can either be happy with slow weight loss and in a year from now be thinking, "wow, look how far I've come!" Or, I can focus on trying to lose weight quickly, give up because it's too hard, and in a year look back and think, "how the hell am I still 240+ pounds?!?!" 

Having said all that, I was super excited on Friday when I weighed in and saw that I am officially down 11 pounds from re-starting on March 20th. If I take Sept 1st as my "starting weight" that means I'm down a total of 13.6 pounds. And if I take my highest weight ever from 2014 when I started the Whole30, I am down 21 pounds. Best yet, I weigh less in April 2016 than I did in April 2015. 

One more thing I want to discuss (this was actually what inspired me to even write a post today and I haven't even gotten to it yet)! This week I decided that I want to start training for races again. I really enjoyed when I was training for and completing races in 2011 and 2012. I decided to look at what my weight was when I completed each of the 4 previous half marathon's I've done. I came to the conclusion that IF I do a half marathon in October, I may very well weigh less than I did for 3 of those half marathons! This showed me that I can do it! So, there's a 10k in June and I'm going to do it. There's a half marathon in October and my goal is to do that one as well. I'm going to wait until closer to that date to make the actual decision; but I'm pretty confident that I will be doing it. I got on the treadmill today and did 5 miles. The 5 miles took me 1:13:18, which amounts to a 14:40 min/mile. Seeing as I am starting over I am very excited about this! Anything less than a 15 min/mile is something that makes me happy because I am pretty confident that I'll only get faster from here! 

Ok. I'll stop talking now. I feel good. I feel like I can keep doing what I am doing and actually make this work for me. I hope my posts continue to be this positive. I know there will be bumps in the road; but I'm hoping that I can be positive enough to not let those completely derail me! 

And FYI - since I've started sharing numbers on my blog; let me just tell you that my weigh in Friday put me into a new decade. I started in the 40's and am now in the 20's (29.6, but still in the 20's)! I look forward to leaving each decade behind to never see it again! 

Spring Biggest Loser Challenge RESULTS

I mentioned back on March 23rd that I had joined a 30 day Facebook challenge to lose weight and possibly win some money in the process. Yesterday was the final weigh in for that challenge. In the meantime, I started another 30 day Facebook challenge. That one started on April 11th (weigh in was April 10th) so they will be overlapping slightly. This second one is much smaller so the chances of winning the money is higher, but obviously it's not as much money. And, it's not about the money for me. Sure, it would have been nice to win, but I already won because it has gotten me back on track! 

Talking about my weight is not something that is easy for me. This blog has definitely helped me get over that. I mean, the number doesn't really matter and everyone can see what I look like so it's not like it's a shock that I'm obese. Even though I hate admitting what the scale says I'm going to put it all out there! 

Before pics on top (hair in ponytail)

Starting Stats 3/20/16:

Weight = 240.6

Measurements

Waist = 43

Chest = 42

Hips = 51.5

Legs = 26

Arms = 15

Ending Stats 4/20/16

Weight = 233.4

Measurements

Waist = 39.5

Chest = 41

Hips = 48.5

Legs = 25

Arms = 14

Weight lost = 7.2lbs. 

Inches lost = 9.5 inches. 

Now, having said all that I will say that my 12 year old daughter helped me with my initial measurements so I'm not sure if they are accurate. BUT, when I compare my measurements to the last time I did them (which was 2014 scarily enough); my weight was about the same as my starting weight and my current measurements are still down 8 inches total so I'd say these are probably pretty accurate. 

I cannot yet get myself to take before pictures in just a sports bra and shorts so instead I wear a skin tight shirt. I figure you can see plenty without having to see my bare belly. I am hard on myself so I don't see a ton of differences in the pics. But, I think where I see the biggest difference is the picture of my back. 

Am I happy with 7.2 pounds gone in 30 days?? You bet I am! Was my initial reaction as positive as I am feeling now? Nope. My gut reaction was disappointment. I wanted more (don't we all). But then I really thought about it and decided it was awesome. I struggled through the first half of the 30 days. I probably fell off the wagon every weekend of the entire challenge. Yet I still managed to drop more than 1 pound per week on average (actually more than 1.5lbs per week). I did NOT give up. 

I am working really hard on finding MY balance. Figuring out what works for ME to lose the weight. There are so many different "programs" or schools of thought out there that will work. Pretty much every weight loss plan works if you're willing to work it. I know this because I've tried several different ones and they've all worked as long as I am doing the work. The problem is finding the one that I can continue to work forever. I not only need to be willing to "work it" for 6, 12, 18 months, etc. I need to be able to work it for the next 50+ years (hopefully). I need to find something that is realistic for ME to change so that WHEN I do lose this weight I can easily maintain it. 

Through this process of trying to lose weight now for the last 9+ years I have learned things about myself. My weight loss journey started well before 9 years ago, but 9 years ago was the first time I hit 200+ pounds when I was NOT pregnant. There were a few times I got back under 200 (I got into the 190's in 2007 and again in 2011); but for the most part I have been well over 200 pounds for the last 9 years. Looking at my weight records I've varied between about 230 and 250 pounds since my flare in 2013. It is time for that to end. It is actually time for me to say goodbye to each new "decade" and actually NOT ever see it again. I am so close to saying goodbye to the 230's and I can't wait to do that. And WHEN I get out of the 220's it'll be a weight I haven't seen since 2012. 

I really am feeling hopeful and positive. I believe I am finding my balance to make this really work this time. I can't stress enough how important it is to NEVER give up.

STRONG vs. skinny

I was inspired for this post today while watching Dr. Oz. He did a story about strong being the new skinny. He had Gabrielle Reece on to talk about a new show on NBC that is called Strong. Apparently the creators of Biggest Loser, America Ninja Warrior, and something else I can't think of right now, came together to create this show where 10 "every day women" come to "change their lives".

Strong being the new "skinny" is a GREAT concept. In fact I LOVE this idea. I have never wanted to be skinny; nor did I ever think I would get to skinny in my journey of weight loss. However, this show really ticked me off today. So they had one woman from the new show come on to Dr. Oz to talk about her experience. They showed clips from an episode of Strong and she talked about how broken she was when she went on the show. So they showed a before picture of her and felt the need to mention her size (a 12 by the way). They then brought her on to stage so you could see how she looked now and out walked this super SKINNY person. She may very well be much stronger than she was before. But, the show then had to tell the audience that she is now a size 2 and made this transformation in 3 months. When she talked about how she did this and what she did she obviously talked about her diet and exercise.

I know you can all guess what she did. She drastically changed her diet to eat ONLY clean/natural foods and ate 5-6 small meals a day. She then was working out before work AND after work. And even now she is "only" working out 90 minutes EVERY DAY! Does anybody else think that this sounds slightly unrealistic for the "every day" person? If you want to get overweight/obese/morbidly obese people to change their lifestyle to get healthier, I believe this isn't the way to do it. If you are someone who is eating fast food multiple times a week or maybe even multiple times a day; how does it make you feel when someone tells you you just have to completely change the way you eat overnight? Overwhelmed? How about when you're told that you need to workout for HOURS every day? Overwhelmed even more now?

I believe that this is why so many people stay overweight. I also believe that this is why so many people fail at "diets". People who think they have to make such drastic moves will either not even start in the first place because it is so overwhelming or they'll do it for a finite period of time only to gain the weight back because they cannot possibly keep up the lifestyle they have chosen to lose the weight. 

Trust me people, I am on a journey to figure out what is going to actually work for me to finally lose this weight and keep it off. To have being HEALTHY as the top priority and worrying less about what the number on the scale says, but instead focusing on how I feel and how happy I am with how I look. Are there some people who can make the lifestyle change to eating only clean and working out 2 hours every day of the week? Absolutely! But, are there probably more people who will find this lifestyle awfully difficult to maintain? Probably. 

So what frustrates me is, even when people are trying to be more positive and tell women to focus on being strong and not skinny, they show us these people who are skinny! She may be a strong skinny and way healthier than someone who is skinny without lifting weights, etc; but SHE IS STILL SKINNY! And, coming from a person who is not skinny, that is what the overweight/obese person sees. It would be much more helpful to me if you show me someone who is more average size and is still considered fit and healthy. You don't have to have 15% or even 20% body fat to be considered healthy and strong. As a woman you are considered fit if your body fat percentage is 21%-24% and you are considered HEALTHY/acceptable if your body fat percentage is 25% to 32%. 

The fact of the matter is, this woman was probably in a healthy body fat percentage range when she first joined the show. Now, I'm not saying that if you're 32% body fat you shouldn't want to make a change - that's a personal decision and awesome if you want to strive for that fit or athletic body fat percentage. But what I AM saying is that if you're trying to reach the people out there (like me) who need hope or motivation to get themselves into a place where they are healthier, perhaps don't focus on someone who started at a size 12 and is now a size 2. 

Perhaps a more helpful story would be one where someone who started out at 240+lbs now weighs 175 lbs; and even though the BMI considers her to still be overweight her body fat percentage is 30% and she is as healthy as she's ever been. Furthermore, she didn't make these changes overnight or even during the course of 3-6 months. She took time, worked hard, fell off the wagon and got back up; worked at it for a year plus and made it to her goal. 

I know there are stories like that out there. I just feel like they are harder to find and today's post was because yet another one of those "other stories" came up. Sorry for the rant. I am done now. 

And for those who didn't already know, that story above IS going to be mine! :) My story is still happening. I work hard, fall off the wagon, get back on and NEVER GIVE UP! I will be writing my story of how I started at 240+lbs and am now at X weight with a healthy body fat percentage. If that X weight puts me still in the overweight category of the BMI I am not going to care! I am working on my mind this time more than anything. To anyone else out there struggling.....we've got this! Just don't ever give up. Shake it off, take a break and come back stronger! And focus on being strong and not skinny! 

Time for some Inspiration

I can feel myself wanting to slip.

It's been 10 days since I really re-committed to this journey of actually getting myself to where I want to be. 9 out of those 10 days I have tracked my food, exercised and ended the days with at least a 1000 calorie deficit. Actually, my lowest calorie deficit was 1,280. The only day I did not track or exercise was Sunday. For all intents and purposes I have been rocking this!

But for some reason yesterday and today I am finding myself being tempted back to the dark side. I haven't succumbed to the temptation yet, but I don't like feeling it. I have felt the push in the past and I've succeeded in ignoring it too. But every time I have ever resisted the temptation, I eventually succumbed to it. The worst part is it's really stupid temptation too. I don't want a piece of chocolate because I have a sugar craving. Or, even a glass of wine because I just like wine. No. I want to not have to think about it. That is always what gets me.

Today I did not have a plan for lunch. No plan meant having to THINK about what I was going to eat. The wheels started turning and I started thinking about how I could fit something in my calorie range that I "really" wanted. Problem was that I couldn't really pinpoint what it was that I wanted. Normally when I had days like this I would just run to McDonald's to get lunch because I don't have to THINK about it. But how sad is it that McDonald's has become something that I just get any time I don't know what else I want.

Because apparently I ALWAYS want that. Sigh......

For today though I won the battle and made myself a salad with chicken, sunflower seeds, cheese and dressing. And you know what? It was yummy.

I can do this.

I went shopping today. I have a love/hate relationship with shopping. There are so many things out there that I think are cute. Then I put them on and they are no longer cute to me. Saves me money. But makes me sad as well. Love....Hate......

But I did something today when shopping that I don't usually do. I decided to go look at the bathing suits because I am going to need a new one this summer. It's been a few years since I've bought one because I've been waiting until I could buy a smaller size (I used to buy a new one every summer). I really wasn't going to buy one yet so that I could try to lose weight before I bought a new one (see?? That's why I haven't bought a new one in so long. It's the same thing every year). But, I saw one that I thought was super cute so I took it to the dressing room and tried it on. It doesn't quite fit....YET....but I bought it anyway. I mean, I could wear it now if I wanted to, but I would feel even more self conscious than I usually do in a bathing suit. I am hoping that 2 months from now I will have lost enough weight that it fits a little bit better. And then, maybe by the end of the summer it will start looking silly because it'll be too big!

So, I think I'll hang up that bathing suit where I can see it every day. It'll be a reminder of what I am working for. It's not a far off goal. 10-20 pounds and I'm guessing that bathing suit will look significantly better than it does now. It won't be easy, but I can lose 20lbs in 2 months.

My goal is NOT to be perfect. My goal is to do this without totally stressing about it. My goal is to eat healthy more often than I don't. My goal is to weigh less next week than I did last....to weigh less at the end of a month than I did at the beginning of it...and to weigh less this time next year than I do today....and to eventually do what I need to do to maintain the healthy weight that I AM at.

I CAN do this.

Week 1 Complete!

2 positive blog posts in a row?!?!

WHAAAATTTT????

So I started this Facebook challenge on March 21st. My kids started their spring break on March 21st. Normally this would not be a time I would choose to start actually trying to lose weight. Apparently I had reached my limit and knew that I had to get my butt back in gear because I REALLY am not OK with where I am at.

This is how my week went down.....

Monday
I started my day with an hour long jazzercise class. Yup. JAZZERCISE.

I had never done jazzercise before but my friend messaged me about going to a class with her because she teaches there twice a week. I thought, why not? In the hour long workout I burned 1,125 calories! At that point I was hooked. I tracked my food all day and ended the day at 1758 calories eaten. I had burned a total of 4,034 calories.

Tuesday
I usually have a workout class that I participate in on Tuesdays, but since it was spring break it was not happening today. The trainer had emailed a workout to do on our own. As soon as the kids and I got up this morning we did this 45 minute workout together. This workout burned 674 calories. The 2nd day of spring break and I still did not take the kids out to eat and continued to track my food. At the end of this day I had eaten 1,854 calories and had burned 3,133 calories.

Wednesday
Day 2 of jazzercise. Mary went to the class with me today and did a great job!

I felt like I worked even harder in this workout than on Monday. I think that was because I knew the moves a little better than the first time seeing them. The calorie burn for this workout was 1,186. The biggest win for me today was lunch. I took the kids to Chick Fil A. I had planned to get what I always get since I had burned over 1,000 calories I was fine spending 900 on lunch. However, when we got to Chick Fil A I opted for the cobb salad instead. I did this completely as my choice. I decided that was what I wanted. My lunch was 520 calories instead of 900. I felt so good about my choices that day!

At the end of the day I had eaten 1,531 calories and burned 3,665. 

Thursday

Today I decided to get on the treadmill for my workout. I really do want to get back to running and participating in races because I had so much fun with that in 2011/12. I did 45 minutes today and burned 791 calories. The win I had for today was that I took the kids to see a movie and although we did still get popcorn to share I counted it and moved on. There was no feeling guilty. There was a little bit of pep talking so that I didn't feel guilty, but ultimately I was 100% fine with my choices. I have been drinking a TON of water and I think I even upped it today to be sure to off-set the high sodium day with popcorn. I ended this day having eaten 1852 and burning 3067. 

Total Calories eaten each day

Friday

This day (and Saturday) are probably the days I am MOST proud of. Back in September when I started focusing on only losing 5lbs a month I basically stopped tracking on Fridays. I would eat and drink basically whatever I wanted and that would last through the weekend. Today I started my day with another treadmill run. This time I stayed on the treadmill for one hour and burned 1,053 calories. Today I was going out to lunch with my parents and I had decided on my lunch before we even got to the restaurant and stuck to it. I got the hot shot whiskey chicken at Applebee's. It's yummy and 660 calories. I was stuffed when I left there and didn't feel guilty about any of it! Then, after dinner I actually MEASURED out 10 oz of wine and had NO more than that! I ended my day having only eaten 1400 calories and burning 3386. 

Saturday

I started my day yet again on the treadmill! One hour on the treadmill and I covered more distance than the day before. I LOVE seeing this kind of progress. Again, I burned 1,116 calories during this run/walk. Then it was off to Robbie's soccer game and lunch after. Again, this would usually be a time that I would get whatever I wanted and not worry about it. In trying to change my mind I still got what I wanted, but I tracked it and made sure it fit within my calories. We ended up at Burger King because that's what Robbie wanted after playing soccer. Before we went I looked up the menu and nutritional information and decided on the bacon double cheeseburger and value size onion rings. My entire lunch was 540 calories. Pretty unheard of for me - especially with fast food. For dinner I made meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans. I then measured out another 10oz of wine for the evening and stopped after that! I also did not snack with my wine at all. I ended this day having eaten 1588 and burned 3504.

NET calories eaten each day

In 6 days I succeeded in having more than 1,000 calorie deficit every day. The second chart shows my net calories for each day of the week. If you're not familiar with MFP; you have a calorie goal for the day. When you exercise they add those calories to your goal for the day. I try not to eat back ALL the calories I'm burning because I'm trying to increase my calorie deficit. 

Yesterday was Easter and day 7. I weighed in that morning and was down 5.2 lbs in this first week! I am totally ecstatic about that! I allowed myself to eat/drink what I wanted yesterday with NO GUILT! I was right back at it today with another hour on the treadmill and tracking all my food. I am still feeling really positive about this. Let's hope this continues! 

Spring Biggest Loser Challenge

Hello again :)

What can I say? I last left you in JANUARY with a great post about how I was getting back on track and was going to get serious about getting healthy before my 40th birthday. Well, the good news is that between then and now I had some good days and some bad days and have basically maintained my weight.

But, when you have 80+lbs to lose, maintaining is NOT what you want!

I definitely try to remind myself that maintaining is better than gaining any day!

I've been trying to find my motivation again. It comes and goes and I wish I could figure out the trick to having it STAY long enough so that these habits become second nature. At the beginning of March I decided that I would get back on track and get focused. That lasted a few days and I fell off the wagon again. Sigh.....

Last week I was talking to my friend and she was talking about how she was going to start the 21 Day Fix and had joined this Facebook biggest loser challenge group. I told her the reasons I don't want to do the 21 day fix and left it at that. I then got on pinterest and starting looking into that AGAIN.

I called my friend back and said that I was thinking of trying the 21 day fix. She asked if I wanted to be added to that group and I said sure! Our challenge started on Monday. I am not doing the 21 day fix because I really do prefer to count calories (crazy, right??!). The fact of the matter is that for me the thing I loathe about counting anything (calories, points, etc) is that I have to take the time to measure things out. 21 day fix you don't have to count anything necessarily, but you have to measure everything. To me that just makes the counting part easy!

I am following a lot of the guidelines of the 21 day fix, which is basically eating "clean". I'm trying to focus on real, whole foods for the majority of what I eat, but not the only things I eat. I truly want to figure out how to LIVE a healthy life and I don't believe that completely cutting things out will work for me. Learning how to actually eat in moderation (by counting my calories and knowing I'm within a reasonable calorie range so I can eat that ice cream or have that wine, etc) is more likely to help me learn how to live a healthy lifestyle.

So the good news is that once again I've found my drive. Today is day 3 and I'm going strong. I often have an easy time with days 1-3 and then things start to get a little dicey. I am hoping being a part of this challenge will help me stay on track or get right back on track if I fall off. For instance, I am not going to worry about tracking on Sunday for Easter. But Monday will be right back on track.

I have about 80lbs that I would like to lose and I would like to do that by my 40th birthday. Yes, that is a LOT in one year. However, if you break it down to 52 weeks it amounts to about 1.5 pounds per week. That is definitely doable;  but I have to STICK with it. I don't have the time to take 2, 3, 4 weeks off.

With that being said; if I lose 50lbs or 60lbs or 70lbs by my 40th birthday that is awesome as well. As long as I am still working at it and consistently losing - even if it's only .5lb or 1lb a week I'll take it. The key is I need to find a way to lose this weight, learn how to live healthy, and NOT drive myself crazy. I really think that what I decided on in September was working; focusing on big calorie deficits during the week and then not stressing about it over the weekends. I was still losing more than 1lb a week doing this and I was probably only counting for 4 days out of a week instead of 5. Between Sept and Nov when I was consistently doing that I lost 15lbs. It adds up. And yes, I'm aware that if I'm "only" losing 5lbs a month I'll "only" lose 60lbs in 12 months. But entering my 40th year having to lose just 20lbs will still put me in a better place than I've been in probably 15 years.

If I can consistently have big calorie deficits for 5-6 days a week and not go totally overboard the other days I am sure I can be successful...and without driving myself (and everyone around me) crazy.

So we'll see. I make these posts a lot and I realize that. But when I come here to blog about it it means that I'm feeling pretty good and I'm hoping it'll stick this time. Only time will tell, right?? Wouldn't it be GREAT if I were writing a post a year from now about how awesome I've been doing and how much weight I've lost!?!? :)

Just Keep Swimming

3 days in a row!! WOO HOO! 2 weeks ago I strung 3 days in a row of exercising, but I still hadn't gotten my eating under control. This week I have had 3 days of not only exercise but healthy eating as well. I am feeling good. I feel like my mood is lifting and I slept better last night than I've slept in quite a while. BUT, it's only been 3 days. It needs to keep going.

I weighed myself Monday (obviously) to see where I was at and use that to figure out my goals from here. You all know the battle I have with the scale and figuring out how to best use it. I think it comes down to using it the way that works in the moment. Back in September it was working to only weigh myself a few times a month; and in 2011 when I lost 40lbs it worked to weigh myself every day. What it comes down to is that the scale isn't what sabotages me - it's me. Like I've said before; I will sabotage myself if I want to. The scale can say I'm up and I'll eat if I want to. The scale can say I'm WAY down and I'll eat if I want to. So, I'm back to weighing myself every day. I think it'll be interesting to see the trends.

In September I set out to lose 5lbs a month until I hit my goal weight range. I still like the idea of this as a goal because I think it takes some pressure off of me. However, I did make my first goal a lofty one to help get myself back on track. Basically my first goal is to lose 10.8lbs in 5 weeks. Doable, but definitely more lofty than 5lbs in a month. But, it'll help to get me back on track with my goals.

Since I'm weighing myself every day, I was quite happy to see the number on the scale this morning! In just 2 days I am down 3.4lbs!! Now, I have done this enough to know that you lose water weight in the beginning and I am totally fine with that! The fact of the matter is I weigh 3.4lbs less today than I did Monday. Better yet, I weigh less (by only a half pound, but still) than I did on January 2nd - my first weigh in of 2016. This is a step in the right direction.

I was proud of myself today because I went out to lunch and hadn't planned it ahead of time. I knew that even if I ate 1000 calories at lunch I could still have a calorie deficit on the day, but not like I had Monday and Tuesday. I really wasn't sure what choice I was going to make. We ended up at Applebee's and I ended up getting an item from their "Pub Diet" menu. The meal was 640 calories (my normal lunch is around 500 so this really wasn't much more). It was quite good and I didn't feel like I was depriving myself or anything. I consciously made this choice. I gave myself permission to make a less healthy choice, but I chose healthy (or healthier). These are all steps in the right direction. IF I can actually stay on track this time this will be the first time in a while that it took me just over a month to get back on track. 

I like this blog because I am the type of person who goes back and reads my previous posts. It reminds me of how I felt at certain points. I am reminded of how much fun I had in 2011 and 2012 when I was active and training and completely races. It helps re-kindle that motivation. I can also go back and see that I say things like, I feel better when I'm eating like this. Exercising regularly makes me feel better than any pill ever can. 

And with that I will leave you.....until next time! 

25 Days into 2016

While reminiscing and re-reading my old posts I came across this entry in December of 2012. The entry was titled 13 in 2013 and I was coming up with 13 goals that I hoped to reach in 2013. Now, we all know that 2013 ended up being a very difficult year for me and I don't think I met any of the 13 goals that I set out to meet. But there was one goal in particular that even 3 years later continues to be a huge struggle. In 2013 it was the 10th goal that I listed.....

10. Don't fall off the wagon the last 1-3 months of the year (or the first 1-3 months for that matter)! This is another, "not small" goal. Each and every year (as many of us do), I completely fall off the wagon between October and December. Last year was my best year and it took me until almost the end of December to fall off the wagon. My lowest weight of 2011 happened in November (I believe) and I only started 2012 3 pounds heavier than that lowest weight. However, I then fell off the wagon for the last few weeks of 2011 and couldn't get back on until probably April 2012...again. So, I need to work on not falling off at ALL since getting back on seems to take me quite a while!

I had started tracking my food again in September of 2015 and as discussed in this post , came up with some new goals to meet my weight loss goal by my 40th birthday in 2017. I thought for SURE this plan would work like a charm because I was making very doable goals - losing only 5 pounds per month. For the first few months it DID work like a charm. I was losing right around 5lbs every month and was not feeling like I was "dieting" at all. I ate very controlled and healthy during the week - tracked my food and fitness and paid attention to my calorie deficit each day. Then, on the weekends I let myself have "freedom". I didn't track my food or worry about calorie deficits. It was working great. Each Monday I would get right back on track and some of those weekend days I would even decide to track just to see where I was at and would see that I actually wasn't eating that many calories. 

By mid-December I had lost 16.6 pounds from my September weigh in and just about 20lbs from what I weighed at the start of the year. I felt better. My clothes were fitting loser. I felt like this was actually working. Then Thanksgiving happened. I hosted Thanksgiving on both Thursday and Saturday. I ate whatever I wanted pretty much that entire week. I did it consciously though and on Monday I was mostly back on track. And then I wasn't. And then I was....you see where this is going. It got to a point where I just stopped tracking in December. I didn't necessarily go hog-wild crazy or anything, but I certainly wasn't trying. 

January 1st rolls around and I had actually only gained a few pounds....OK, 5 pounds. I was actually fine with that though. I was still down over 10lbs from starting in September and I was still down almost 12lbs from where I was on Jan 1, 2015. I was still moving in the right direction so I was happy with that. It has now been 25 days into 2016 and I have YET to get back on track. Grrrr.......

The good news is that in the last 3 weeks I've "only" gained about 3lbs. Considering I really haven't been doing anything, I am happy with only averaging a one pound gain per week. Another good thing is that the exercise class I take re-started 2 weeks ago so I know that I'll get at least 2 days of hard workouts in in a week. This will defintely help move me in the right direction because I always feel better after I workout. As I type this I am sitting in my workout gear so that I can go get on the treadmill before lunch today. 

So today is the day. I am re-commiting to this drive to lose weight and get fit before my 40th birthday. I still have plenty of time and can still do it. And, even if I don't hit some arbitrary number by my 40th birthday, at least I will be a step closer if I can continue to commit and re-commit when I fall down.