Numbers

Clearly it's been a rough week. I haven't blogged because I feel like a broken record. I feel like I keep saying the same negative things over and over again and I can't imagine anyone likes to read that. Frankly, I don't like to type it. But, the point of this blog was never to try to gain a huge audience or say things that really interest other people. The point of this blog was to give me an outlet to "talk" about my journey. Of course I hope people out there read it; I hope people can comment and help me when I need help...or even read it quietly and take something from it that will also help them in some way. But even so...to continuously write posts about how difficult it is or how I ate/drank too much today or how I didn't exercise or am slow and fat, etc...it just gets old!

Today was weigh in. It wasn't good. I gained 4.2lbs back. Yup...you read that right.  Probably one of the worst gains I've had in 1 week in a LONG time - perhaps ever. But. That's it. It's done. I took a week off and now I'm back.

So, I wanted to talk about something super positive today! I went to my doctor on Friday to have just an annual check up and get my cholesterol checked. Let me give you a little background first. I have ALWAYS had high cholesterol. It's hereditary and I have a long line of high cholesterol in my family. Even back in college when I probably weighed 160lbs, my overall cholesterol was 230. In 2010 it was down to 209 (the lowest it had ever been in my life), but all the #'s were wrong. For example, my good cholesterol was lower than it should be, my bad cholesterol was high, my triglyercides were high, etc, etc.

My blood pressure, on the other hand, has ALWAYS been low. Like 100/50 low. Lately it hasn't been so low - even last year after losing 40lbs it was the highest it's ever been.

And I have had a slight heart murmur since I can remember. Never a big enough deal to have to take antibiotics to go to the dentist or anything, but noticeable enough that doctors always tell me about it.

So, Friday I had this appointment. My doctor was commenting on how my heart couldn't sound better. She said it was pumping at such a low rate (a good thing) and my pulse was nice and low. She also said she could not hear the murmur. She said that they can sometimes come and go and sometimes they can go away for good! Crazy.

When I got my test results for the cholesterol I just about fainted!

Component	Your Value	Standard Range	Units	Flag
Triglyceride	38	30 - 149	mg/dL
Cholesterol	192	100 - 199	mg/dL
HDL Cholesterol	63	>55	mg/dL
VLDL Cholesterol	8	6 - 40	mg/dL
LDL Cholesterol	121	60 - 129	mg/dL
Fasting Time	14		hrs
TC:HDL Ratio	3.05	1.00 - 5.00
LDL:HDL Ratio	1.92	0.50 - 3.55
Non HDL Cholesterol	129	90 - 159	mg/dL

Do you SEE those numbers!?!? I have NEVER seen such numbers before! I mean, to the point that I was feeling concerned that perhaps they mixed up my blood with someone else's!

And this brings me full circle to the title of this blog. Clearly, although the number on the scale puts me in the OBESE category, all of my "health" numbers say that I'm healthy. There is not much more that a doctor could want (other than a smaller number on the scale). My cholesterol is now normal, my blood pressure was 116/64; my resting heart rate is around 55-60; my doctor could no longer hear my heart murmur, etc, etc, etc. THIS is the reason why losing weight for my "health" doesn't motivate me. It's really vanity at this point. I suppose I could make myself believe that I don't need to lose weight. I mean, my numbers are probably better than someone who weighs 150lbs. Heck, these numbers are better than when I weighed 150lbs!

But, it comes down to me not being happy with me. I want to be happy with the way I look. I want running to eventually get easier. I want running to eventually get faster. I believe these things will come with less weight. And if my numbers are this good now (even after a really bad week of eating everything that didn't eat me first)....what could they be when I lose the weight!

Oh! I know this post is getting long (but, what else is new, right??). But, another thing with the number topic. Weight Watchers uses BMI to figure out what weight you need to be in order to become a Lifetime Member (and then you don't have to pay for meetings). However, I have NEVER felt that 150lbs was a realistic goal for me to maintain. And, if you read my weight loss story on this blog, you'll see that this fact has messed with my head over the years. I think the reason I ballooned up so big was that since it was never "good enough"; why bother? Well, I decided to address this question with my doctor this week. I've done it before with another doctor. I asked about if there was a way we could figure out what might be a reasonable weight for ME...not for some arbitrary person using some arbitrary scale. However, that doctor pulled out her BMI chart and said "now how tall are you"? Ugh. I was annoyed. Friday I asked this doctor and you know what her response was? She likes to take into account people's skeletal frames and bone structure. She talked about the different frames people have and what that means for weight ranges. Long story short she told me that for ME she would see a reasonable weight range to be from 145 to 160 pounds! You have no idea what that did for me. I can do 160lbs. I KNOW I can do it. And I KNOW I can maintain it. I have before. I've never been sure I could do 150. Maybe I can. And maybe I'll still work to get there. But to have someone tell me 160lbs will be GOOD ENOUGH is so huge I can't even tell you. I'm hoping that this is the thing that makes all the difference.

I can do 160lbs. And, when I get close to that, the doctor will write a letter to Weight Watchers telling them that that is a reasonable weight for me (which then allows me to become lifetime based on the doctor's note). So, my next goal is to hit 10%. But, just knowing that 160 is now my "goal weight" makes all the difference in the world!

And with that, I'll shut the heck up!

Week 5 Weigh In

I seem to be a day behind with my posts lately.

Week 5 - Down 3.2lbs

Total Lost to date = 11lbs!!

Reached 5% weight loss goal this week!

Woo hoo!

Funny story about weigh in this week. I was hoping and praying all week that the scale would show 3.2 (or more obviously) because I KNEW that would get me my 5% goal. That would also mean that even with a GAIN last week, I'd still be averaging over 2lbs a week. So, I get to the meeting and I step on the scale. The leader made a comment about me having a good week so I looked down to see what number she was writing down. The number showed a loss of 3lbs EVEN! I slammed my hand on the counter (laughing and groaning at the same time) and explained that I was only .2 away from losing my first 5%. She was so funny and suggested I step on the next scale (to see if it's different). I made a comment about going to go pee and try again - she was like "YEA, go do that"! It was just so funny. She was so excited about the notion that I'd hit 5% that it made me even more excited. I went to the bathroom, got back on the scale and low and behold.....she laughed and said 3.2! Hilarious!! I love that they let me do that. Now I just need to keep the scale going in that direction.

 Last week I talked about how I was putting away the scale. Yea, well I suck at that! I put the scale away last week, but then decided I was too curious. On Friday, after running 16.4 miles and then eating a HUGE meal I came home and GOT ON THE SCALE!!! Seriously?!?! I mean, how stupid is that?!? I couldn't have been curious first thing Friday morning....or maybe Saturday morning after having run Friday?!?! Besides the fact that I really have NO idea what the WW scale is going to say based on my scale. The last 2 weeks in a row, the WW scale has been MUCH friendlier than my scale at home. So, really, it's just stupid. I was thinking that it didn't matter that I had just eaten because if I was down, I would at least look like I've maintained or something. Needless to say, the scale was NOT nice. I was already starting to plan my post topic for after weigh in.

So truly the lesson to be learned here is that I need to just trust the system! Last week I went back to doing what I did the first two weeks. Here is a recap of my goals and how I did:

- NO wine until Saturday night (to celebrate my 11 year anniversary). And that is the ONLY wine I am allowed to have all week (I am learning this is a big trigger for me with my over-eating).
                - I drank wine on Friday night, but had NONE on Saturday so I guess I met this goal!

- Save at least 40 of the 49 weekly points until Saturday (and don't necessarily use them all on Saturday).
       - I had all 49 weekly points left when Friday rolled around. I used 14 of them on Friday, but then only 15 on Saturday so in essence I met this goal as well! 2 for 2.

- Get back to snacking on fruit in between meals and in the evenings.
      - Goal met as well. I went back to using fruit to fill me up in between meals or as part of a meal.  
- Try to end this week like the first 2.....use all activity points and use only 29 of the weekly points
      - OK so this would mean I'd have 20 weekly points remaining. As of Saturday night (the end of my week), I had 20 weekly points remaining! :)

I met all my goals and the scale showed it. But, I didn't trust the system. I was (and still am) doubting the way I count my activity points. I wonder if I count them too high. Clearly, what I'm doing is working. I just need to TRUST it. I need to believe that it is OK to eat every one of my 92 earned activity points + 29 of my weekly points because I will still lose weight! I need to not worry mid-week about whether this is going to be the week that it doesn't work. Ok. Eventually it will happen. Eventually I will do what I've always been doing and I'll gain (or maintain). But that's OK. At that point I can change things up and count my activity different or use less of it....or only use activity and don't use any of the weekly. Whatever. But the point is I don't have to worry about that YET, so why am I??

It takes us back to that damn scale! So, once again this week I am going to try VERY hard to STAY OFF THE SCALE!!

And since I don't have any pictures for today's post I'll leave you with this one of our lovely wedding in honor of our anniversary this past weekend.

I just love this picture.

24....er 16.4 miles

This is the great place I do all my long runs...and even some short ones.

So yesterday was my scheduled 24 mile run. I was certainly nervous for this run, but I was also looking forward to finishing it and feeling like 2.2 miles more would be doable. Again, my awesome mother was meeting me at the trail to ride along with me for all of the 24 miles. (have I mentioned lately how awesome she is?!?!). So, we met at the trail around 7AM and started our run/ride. The plan was to run out in one direction for 6 miles; come back and stop at the car to refuel; run out the opposite direction for 6 miles and back to the car to equal 24 total. My mom decided that if we went out 8 miles, then we'd only have to go out 4 miles in the other direction. As soon as I started I could tell it wasn't going to be a good run. My mom says I psyched myself out from the start, but I don't know if I agree with that. I really was looking forward to finishing a training run so close to the distance of the marathon. Some days it's just not there though. We ran out 8 (a little over actually) and I was struggling before we even hit the turn around. We stopped briefly around mile 12 and I ate a banana and re-filled my water bottles with the water my mom had in her backpack.

 

 

During this break I told my mom that I was feeling very frustrated. I felt like it was mental because my body still felt OK, but I just really didn't think I could continue another 12 miles. Even before hitting 8 I started talking about dropping the run to 20 miles. Most marathon training programs only take you to 20 miles max and you do that 2-3 times. Prior to yesterday I had done 18 and 21 mile runs so I thought if it was "just" 20 it would be fine. We hit 15 miles and I had to stop. I got a shooting pain in my left leg and I certainly don't want to hurt myself. At this point I was struggling in my mind about whether or not I could make 5 more miles. This run had been my slowest long run yet. I was averaging well over a 14 min/mile and was getting slower by the minute. So, I made the decision to cut the run "short" (16.4 miles is not SHORT by any means, but when you plan 24 miles, 16.4 seems short)! My mom agreed to do another long run with me next weekend. Now, I'm getting advice from my runner friends. And, any of you who might read this blog and train for marathons I would love to hear your feedback as well.

Here's the question:
The long runs I've done (over the half marathon distance) include 15; 18; 21; 16. As of today I have 3 full weekends until the marathon and then the marathon is on the 4th weekend (so I'm a month out). I am planning to do 20 miles next weekend, which would give me another 20 in there, but would mean I would have 2 full weekends to taper/rest/recover prior to the marathon. From things I'm seeing this actually may not be smart. A month out from the marathon may not be the time to add in another long run. So, now I'm thinking perhaps I do more than the 7 that is scheduled, but not 20. So maybe another 15 or 18. Any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated! :)

Week 4 Weigh-In

I lost this battle....

+2.6
Total weight lost to date: 7.8lbs.

Ugh.

But. Not at all surprising. I did it to myself. I struggled the entire week of 9/2 to 9/8 and maintained on the scale. I continued to struggle last week. I binged on Wednesday night. Got back on track Thursday. And then binged on Friday again. I stopped tracking at that point. Saturday actually wasn't TOO bad. I'm sure I ate well more than my allotted points, but it probably wasn't all that different than a normal Saturday. It's just that I usually have all 49 of my weekly points when it comes to Saturday (or most of them at least).

Anyway, I'm fine. I'm over it. I am totally back on track today. I started my day with an 8 mile run (earning 22 activity points) and have eaten a total of 39 points today. So, I used only 7 of those 22 points. Not at all bad. I've gotten into the habit of eating ALL my activity points on the day that I earn them...so not eating all of them today was a big step in the right direction.

I have planned my dinners for Monday-Wednesday so far this week. I've already tracked them into my tracker.

My goals this week are:

- NO wine until Saturday night (to celebrate my 11 year anniversary). And that is the ONLY wine I am allowed to have all week (I am learning this is a big trigger for me with my over-eating).

- Save at least 40 of the 49 weekly points until Saturday (and don't necessarily use them all on Saturday).

- Get back to snacking on fruit in between meals and in the evenings.

- Try to end this week like the first 2.....use all activity points and use only 29 of the weekly points. This seems to give me a buffer and still lose weight. We'll see if the first 2 weeks was a fluke, or if this is the right "recipe" for my weight loss.

I think that's enough for one week. If I go back to those basics I should see a nice loss on the scale. I realize that a lot of what I gained was probably water weight, so hopefully it'll come off as fast as it came on! Oh...and I put the scale away too. It only worked positively for me last week because it was saying what I wanted/needed/thought it should say! It didn't work this week because it kept going up..hence the binge on Friday. I need to base my food decisions on what is healthy, and not on what the scale is saying! So, for now, it's away. I will only be weighed when I go to a WW meeting. If I can succeed in this, it'll be the first time I've ever done it! The closest I've ever gotten to giving up the scale would be weighing myself at home right before going to the meeting so I can know what to expect. I'm going to take that away now....go into each meeting totally blind. Should be interesting!

And with that I'll leave you all tonight. Here's to a great week!

The Good News

As promised in my post yesterday, I want to talk about some good things happening right now. They feel so few and far between because my focus is on how hard this eating (not eating) thing is for me.

So, about 2 weeks ago I decided to change up my mid-week runs. I usually run on the treadmill during the week because it's just easier and when it's easier I actually DO it. I've been so focused on intervals that I would still interval even if I was running 3-4 miles. I might try longer intervals. I was doing intervals like run for a half mile, walk for 1 minute, repeat. Then, I think a few times I ran for a mile, walked for a minute or two and repeated. When I didn't really feel like running I'd do my normal 4/1 intervals. As a result, my 3 mile runs were also going VERY slowly and it was frustrating me.

You getting sick of this one yet? Yes? Oh well...get used to it!

I've said it before and I'll continue to say it (hopefully it'll change one of these days); I am S.L.O.W. But, I do try to focus on improvement and not worry so much about what the speed is. You have to start somewhere and at least I'm doing it! So last year around November I was probably in my "prime". I had lost almost 40lbs, was finally under 200lbs, and was increasing my running times every time I ran. I completed the Aurora turkey trot (4 miler) in just over 44 minutes. This was crazy fast for me. I believe it was some time in October 2011 that I decided to get on the treadmill and just keep running. After warming up for about1 minute, I set the treadmill at 6.0 mph (10 min/mile). I ran until that treadmill showed 3 miles and the time was just over 30 minutes (to account for the 1 min warm up at a walk rate). My dream right now (and then) would be to run 10 minute miles (or faster). That is a painfully slow run for most people who run and that would be lightening fast for me.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what happened....other than the normal holidays and such; but I fell off the wagon...HARD. Perhaps it was because I no longer had a race to train for. Perhaps it was because it was winter; but I stopped running nearly as much as I was. I started eating more and was gaining back my weight. I hadn't completely lost it. I was still doing 3 miles on the treadmill in less than 35 minutes in January 2012. But, instead of getting better, I was staying the same. Running anywhere between a 10:56 minute/mile and an 11:30 minute/mile (on the treadmill). My long runs were seemingly getting slower and slower.

So, back to what I was originally saying...I decided to change up my treadmill runs. Right before I was scheduled to run 21 miles I realized.....how stupid am I?!?!? CLEARLY if I can run/walk for over 4 hours (my 18 mile run); I can run for 3 miles without stopping. So that's what I did. On August 23rd I got on the treadmill and after a 1 minute warm up, I set the treadmill to 5.0 (12 min/mile) and started to run. When I hit mile 1, I increased the speed to 5.1 and then to 5.2. I think for the last .1 miles I upped the speed to around a 5.4 or something. I finished 3 miles that day, without stopping, in 35:18...an 11:45 minute/mile. This was still slow, but I ran 3 miles without a walk break and I felt great. I decided at that point, that from now on, my weekday runs are going to be non-stop. My runs since that date have looked like this:

8/26 - 8 miles outside 1:47:38 - 13:28 m/m
8/29 - 21 miles outside 5:03:49 - 14:28 m/m
9/3 - 2 miles treadmill 23:29 - 11:44 m/m
9/5 - 3 miles treadmill 34:51 - 11:37 m/m
9/7 - 3 miles treadmill 34:43 - 11:34 m/m
9/9 - 6 miles outside 1:12:56 - 12:09 m/m
9/11 - 3 miles treadmill 33:56 - 11:19 m/m
9/13 - 3 miles treadmill 33:40 - 11:13 m/m

Notice a trend there?? I notice a few.

1) I have run every other day consistently since 9/3. This may not seem like a big deal to many (especially since I'm supposed to be marathon training); but it is a HUGE deal for me.

2) Because I've started running every other day, I am starting to see consistent improvement. I have now had 6 non-stop runs on the treadmill and EACH one has been faster than the other. This is what my training looked like last year. THIS is what gives me that runner's high - that feeling of improvement.

3) I suppose this isn't a "trend", but after having completed 3 non-stop treadmill runs; I ran my fastest 6 miles since about October 2011! Coincidence??? I don't think so.

I already knew this, but I'm being reminded constantly that running is so mental. Even with these 3 mile treadmill runs...my legs feel like they can keep going forever, but I'm having a mental block continuing. I keep thinking about pushing it to 3.5 or 4, but then I stop. It's mental. I decide to give myself a chance to get used to 3 miles non-stop before I increase it. Of course the next mental battle is getting outside and running 3 miles without stopping. I know I can do it. I just have to do it! Right now I'm not worried about that though. I truly am focusing on the marathon right now. My weekends are devoted to longer runs (which will be intervals); and my weekday runs are going to stay between 3 and 4 miles.....most likely on the treadmill. I plan to continue to do my weekday runs without stopping. And we'll see where it goes from there!

Clearly this post is plenty long. I have plenty more I can say on this topic, but I'll stop rambling on for now.

A Mental Block

Hmmm....sounds familiar doesn't it?? 2 weeks were GREAT! The program felt easy. I was losing weight (like crazy) and I felt good.

Then I hit week 3 and all hell has broken loose.

Last week I struggled through the week. It started with eating too much on Labor Day and using a lot of my weekly points. That messes with my mind because when I feel like I don't have the safety net of "extra" points, I want to eat more. Stupid, I know.

As I said in my last post. I used the scale last week as a positive tool. When I discovered that my weight was up at my doctor's appointment, I weighed myself each morning to keep things in check. I increased my fluid intake and decreased my food intake. I ended last week with eating about 5-10 points over my entire points for the week and maintained on the scale.

Now I'm in week 4 and the mental block continues. I am a complete emotional eater. I eat when I'm stressed, happy, sad, bored, etc. I am learning that I am not actually a binge eater by definition; but I will sometimes call what I ate a "binge". I have been quite emotional this week for some reason. I've been doing some soul-searching this week and I think that's part of the cause of the emotional eating. I was doing pretty well. Up until last night I had only used about 10 of my weekly points. I used all the activity points that I earned, but still had about 38 weekly points left. This was great. I felt like that was enough of a buffer to help deal with the weekend (allow me to eat a little more than during the week).

Then last night happened.

Ugh.

That's my kind of glass!
Better with white wine though!

One of my weaknesses is wine. I like my wine. The problem is that when I drink wine I overindulge every time. Last time I bought wine I tried buying the pack of 4 little bottles (about 6oz each) to help me only have 1 glass (or even 2). And, I was successful. I had 2 glasses of wine one night. Great! So, yesterday I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work. I was hungry (not good #1). I thought to myself...I did really well with that wine the last time I bought it so I'm going to buy it again. So I did. And it starting innocently enough last night. 1 glass of wine. Ok - so if I have another glass it's only 3 more points - no biggie when I have 38 left. 4 glasses, probably about 20 triscuits and 1 Oreo cookie later I was pissed at myself!

I counted it. I'm not positive if it was 20 triscuits that I had because I wasn't counting them as they went into my mouth. I mean, binges aren't usually weighed and measured! But, I estimated how many I think I ate and counted it accordingly. Amazingly enough, I still have 8 weekly points left and will still be earning activity points this week. So, I just have to keep things in control from this point forward. I will do what I did last week. I will increase my fluid intake, decrease my food intake and get things under control.

Easy, right?

Sure. If I wasn't dealing with a continued mental block. I felt like crap this morning when I woke up. I had this great plan for today. It was going to be easy to just get back on track. But it isn't. It never is after I overindulge. I want to just keep doing it. Or, I'm so frustrated with myself that I want to just say screw it and I'll get back on track after weigh-in on Sunday.

But this time needs to be different.

My mind/behavior/habits aren't going to change overnight. I need to WORK on them to make a change. So, I'm working on it. It's a struggle and I have to have talks with myself constantly, but I am determined to win. I am determined to make this the last time I ever join WW. This will be the time that it sticks and I reach lifetime status with WW. It's going to take time. But, the more I stick to the program, the more time I will have. Right?

Today I have eaten more fruit. I drank more fluids. I ran on the treadmill (without walk breaks..we'll discuss that in another post). And I finished my day at 33 points.

A good day. Tomorrow will be an even better one! Each good day will decrease the mental battles until this eventually becomes second nature. And this time it WILL become second nature. There will always be struggles....but they will become fewer and easier to handle.

Week 3 Weigh In....

Week 3 -0-
Total Lost to date: 10.4lbs.

And I'll take every little last bit of that big, fat 0 this week! See, on Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment. Naturally they weigh you at the appointment. I could guess what my weight MIGHT be based on my weigh in weight, the fact that I was wearing work clothes, it was 4 in the afternoon, etc. The number on the scale was NOT what I expected at all....and not in a good way! The scale has always been one of my evilest forms of sabotage I've ever used. I believe I spoke of this in an earlier post, but basically the scale can say GOOD things (wow...I can't believe I'm already down 2lbs this week) and then I'll eat (well then I can eat because I only really NEED to be down 1lb). It can say BAD things - like it did this week - and I'll use that as an excuse to binge. "well, if the scale says I'm UP 2lbs, then I mind as well throw in the towel this week and just start over fresh after weigh in."

Although this time around I was am trying to only weigh myself at the weigh in; I decided that I HAD to weigh myself Thursday morning to see what MY scale said. Yea...so even my scale, in the morning, with nothing on, said I was UP 2lbs since Sunday. Clearly I was not happy. I had a nice little fight with myself about just eating whatever I wanted since it clearly didn't benefit me to resist temptation on Tuesday.

However, again, the angel on my shoulder won! I resisted every day. I started to drink more water and other calorie free beverages since the start of my week didn't include much water consumption. I did weigh myself each morning because I was actually using the scale for positive this time. Friday the scale went down a pound from Thursday....and Saturday it was down another pound. I was now trying to still have a loss for Sunday - SO proud of myself for keeping it in check. I didn't win that battle; but considering I was sitting at Applebee's last night eating dinner at 9PM, I am totally happy with a maintain on the scale this morning!

As much as the weight loss was non-existent this week; this was probably the biggest week thus far. My temptations to eat for no reason started as early as Tuesday - and I did NOT gain weight this week. I saw my weight go up in the middle of the week and instead of letting that derail me; I came back even stronger. I added a run day to get more activity points and controlled my eating over the weekend!

As a result of this, I feel re-energized. I feel like I want to knock it out of the park this week. On one hand I'm looking for a big number (when I say big I'm talking 2lbs...not like 5 or something) on the scale - but I'm also now going to appreciate whatever it is as long as it's a loss. .6 continues to be the BIG number this week since that will bring me to 11lbs, my 5% weight loss goal...hitting my first goal within the first 4 weeks will definitely be awesome!

On another note - I also had an AWESOME run today. But I'll leave that for another post. For now...just enjoy this "short" post! :)

A Tough Day

Yup....that about sums up my day. The good news??? I have succeeded (so far)!

So, I've had 2 AWESOME weeks. And, as a result, I've had 2 AWESOME ("osum" even) weigh in's. One would think that would make this week even easier, right?? It just keeps getting easier, right?? Hmmmm...perhaps not. This is where I start to sabotage myself. My first "goal" is coming up. 11lbs. I'm .6lbs away from losing my "first" (ha! first...that's funny...but first since joining WW this time) 11lbs. .6 lbs away from losing 5% of my starting weight in just 3 short weeks. Yup..it's about right that I would start the sabotage now.

In my last post, I talked about how I had another birthday party celebration yesterday and how I wasn't worried about it. I did eat what I wanted and I did track it. I got a little too cocky though and ended up having some wine last night as well. It's only Tuesday and I'm now down to only 14 weekly points left. I will earn some more activity points this week, but at this point I usually have 40 weekly points remaining AND earn more activity points. Ok...but still fine. The fact that I have any weekly points left means I am still ON program! I am not OFF program until I've completely gone over my points. And frankly, there is NO reason for that to EVER happen. I ate a LOT yesterday. There's no reason to eat that way more than 1x per week. However, it is so easy to slip back into eating that amount of food.

Today I started my day with my big breakfast. (sidebar - I still feel like I do better when I eat a BIG breakfast, little lunch...or no lunch..or fruit for lunch; and then a normal size dinner. One of my weaknesses is stopping once I have started and this helps curb that). I then had my dinner planned out already and my points total was 33 for the day, which used 1 weekly point (no activity planned today). Ok. So a good day after a 62 point day yesterday. Right back on track....that was the plan.

Best. Laid. Plans.....

So after finishing my appointments today I was NOT hungry....like at all. However, I wanted to EAT. WHY?? There was NO reason for this. I was near a Chipotle (one of my favs) and I start to bargain with myself. Here's the conversation that went on in my head:

Angel: Ok...the salad you like is 16 points, but you only have 14 left.

Devil: Well, you could not eat the dinner you had planned and you wouldn't be that bad.

Angel: But, you know if you go today you're gonna get the chips/guac and then you will have completely blown it.

Devil: You've lost 10.4lbs in 2 weeks! What is one day of eating too much?? If you don't lose that 11 this week, you'll lose it next week.

Angel: Seriously?!?! Why do you have to sabotage yourself?? Why whenever you come close to a goal that you NEVER thought you would be able to reach, you make SURE you don't reach it. WHY are you trying SO hard to have a gain on the scale this week?? Just go home, eat some fruit and see what happens.

The angel won that argument. I had to stop at the grocery store on my way home. Great, right?? On a day that I am clearly fighting a binge, I'm going to go grocery shopping!! But; oddly enough, this wasn't very challenging. I bought what was on my list and only added light turkey. I was thinking to myself that if I still wanted to eat when I got home I would just eat some turkey.

I made it home and actually didn't even eat any fruit. I put NOTHING in my mouth. I made some calorie free iced tea and sat down to get some more work done. Before I knew it, the kids were getting off the school bus and I realized that I had done it! I had fought through the urge to eat for no reason and WON!

I made the planned dinner. Portioned out the planned portion and have not eaten since then! I think I may go eat an apple or some other piece of fruit now and then go to bed soon. I have succeeded! I feel good, but still frustrated that it happened. Now, tomorrow is the TRUE test. When I win a challenge like this, it usually continues into the next day and I weaken to that devil. Hmmm..I think I'm going to go plan my food for tomorrow before I go to bed so I can at least have the plan. That's half the battle. The other half is actually sticking to it! ;-)

Week 2 Weigh In...

How long before you all get sick of these posts? I'm sure some of them will be more interesting than others. You can chalk this one up to a very MOTIVATING weigh in post! :)

Week 2 weigh in......down 4.6lbs!!!! That would be 10.4lbs in 2 weeks!!! I don't think I have EVER in my life lost 10.4lbs in 2 weeks! I remember last year in May when I really started counting calories I was all excited because I lost 11lbs in a month...I had never done that before! This time around with WW they have added the 5% goal. They used to have your 10% be your first goal to focus on,  but now they have 5% first since I guess even just losing 5% has major health benefits. My 5% goal is 11lbs (and yes, those of you who can do math have just figured out my starting weight....whatever)! I am now .6lbs away from this first goal! 2 weeks of such significant weight loss has me a little quite nervous about whether or not I can lose anything next week. But, my plan is to keep doing what I'm doing.

I swear, this is the easiest WW has ever felt! We went to the fair today and yet I still only ate a total of 39 points today. I earned some activity points walking around at the fair and will earn plenty more throughout the week (if I can only shake this cold that makes me not want to do anything)! What I find funny is that it's only been 2 weeks on the program, but there are some changes happening here. I actually really don't like the fair. It's hot...crowded...full of bees....no shade...no place to sit...smelly, etc. I've always enjoyed going to the fair for the FOOD. Today we got fried veggies to share and I got a gyro for lunch. I ate about 2/3 of the gyro and maybe half of the veggies. The veggies were making my stomach hurt (ugh..very fried) and I was full so I stopped eating! Later in the day we got an elephant ear for the 4 of us to split. I probably had 4 small bites. I LOVE elephant ears...but this one didn't taste good at all. Perhaps it was just not a good elephant ear -but I can't ever remember a time in the past when I didn't like an elephant ear! Perhaps it's this cold - but I don't frankly care what the reason was...I didn't really want to eat!

So....on to week 3. A good first day especially considering it's Labor Day weekend. Tomorrow is another family birthday, but I'm really not concerned. I'll eat what I want and track it. My attitude is totally different this time. I hope to feel well enough to run tomorrow so I can earn some activity points! :) But, in order to do that I think I need to go to bed (again...since I came home from the fair this afternoon and slept for 3 hours)!

And...since I had no fun photos in this posting I'll leave you with this one from Mary's very first cheer game this weekend. She did awesome!

21

This week was my big 21 mile run. Thanks to my awesome boss and a job that allows me to be flexible if needed, I was able to get this run done on Wednesday morning since the weather forecast for this weekend wasn't so great. And, since this weekend is turning out to be quite the busy one! Even 3 days after this run I'm not so sure what to say about it. I was truly hoping that when I finished 21 I would say something like, "feeling quite confident about the marathon now"! But, I'm not. I don't know why. I finished 21 miles...and if I can finish 21, I can certainly finish 5.2 more (I think). But, this 21 miles was hard. It was significantly harder than 18 (although my mom tells me I was struggling just as much through 18...but I don't feel like I did, which means it's all about what's going on in my head)! Perhaps what I expressed during the run was the same. The moans and grunts about not being able to finish. Perhaps my running seemed the same...where in the end it was more like shuffling than running at all. But, I know in my head it was different. And not in a good way.

For anyone out there who does it, you know, running is a mental sport more than anything. And that happens to be where I lack the most. I need to truly start believing that I CAN do this. Believing that I AM a runner. I still have a very hard time with this label. I don't know if it's the intervals, or if it's how slow I go....but I don't see myself as a runner. But you know what?? I am. Intervals, no intervals, slow, fast...it doesn't matter. I got out there at the butt-crack of dawn, laced up my shoes and pounded the pavement for over 5 HOURS! If I'm not a runner, then what am I!?!?! (Besides crazy)!

This is how crazy I am! Once again the lone car in the parking lot...and it wasn't even raining!

During this run my mom asked me if I ever thought of just racing cycling. My answer was that I hate that as much, if not more, than running! She laughed and asked me why do I do all this then?!?! If I don't like it while I'm doing it, and I hurt afterwards, WHY do it?? I honestly don't know that I have a good answer for that. I can tell you why I always say I hate running (or biking). It's because I feel that I'm not good at it. I'm slow....it doesn't ever seem to feel like it gets easier, etc. I think I continue to do it because I want it to feel like it's easier. Of course, I'm an idiot, because I will NEVER feel like it gets easier. However, clearly it HAS. Back in 2007 when I first thought I would try doing a 5k I couldn't run more than 60 seconds. I built up to run my first 5k in June 2007 and finished in 35:03. I ran the entire thing and was SO proud of myself. Then I stopped. Fast forward to 2008 when I then decided to train with Team Challenge for a half marathon....I was back to not being able to run for more than 60 seconds at a time. But now??? Now I have found intervals and because of those intervals I can run 3 miles with relative ease. 6 miles now feels like a short run....and getting to 13.1 doesn't feel like much of a challenge anymore. So why don't I see this as progress?? As getting easier?? I suppose because I'm still SLOW. I'm slower than I was last year even, and although I'm working on it, I feel like I'm having a harder time getting any faster.

So pretty....a beautiful day for a leisurely stroll.
 

Just like I need to work on my mind when it comes to food and eating healthy. I need to work on my mind when it comes to running. For food...I need to not feel guilty when I use my activity points or weekly allowance points. They are there to eat if you want, so why feel guilty when I do it? No need to make changes in the behavior until you see a reason to (like a gain or maintain on the scale for more than 1 week).  For running...stop being so hard on myself. I did the math and on that 21 mile run, I ran for nearly 4 of those 5 hours. Why does it matter that it was slow? It doesn't..it shouldn't. And, perhaps my mom is right (AGAIN)....perhaps I don't feel like I'm improving at all because I keep adding distance. I can't see if I'm faster, better with 18 miles because today it was 21...and next time it'll be 24. That's what happens when you're training for a marathon. You have to increase your mileage relatively quickly...and that's with a training program that lasted over 6 months! A learning experience...I think that if I were to do a full marathon again, I would schedule the training a little differently so I could get more long runs in. This plan built from 14 to 17 to 20 to 23 to 26. Most training programs only go to 20 miles before a full marathon, but I think you do multiple 20 milers. I like this one better, because I like seeing that I can go the distance. I'm off on those mileages because I missed the crucial 14 mile one because I was sick. Therefore, when I was supposed to do 17, I shortened it to 15; then 18; 21 and next 24. I won't get to 26 this time around. Perhaps if there is a next time, I will add weeks so that perhaps I could do 14 miles twice, 17 twice, etc, etc. I don't know. I suppose I should start with; I don't know if I'll have the support to do another full! :)

Enough about that. The other thing I wanted to mention in today's post was about my eating. Apparently it only takes 1 week. One week before your body starts to adjust and the hunger subsides. Not to say I haven't been hungry at all this week. But, I think it's pretty normal to get hungry now and again! ;-) Perhaps it was the 5.8lb loss last week, but I didn't find myself nearly as hungry this week. As a result, I didn't eat nearly as much in between meals (even fruit). I wonder how that will effect the scale. Fruit has calories so I would think even though they're "free" that not eating as much of them would only help my weight loss; but, I also think that eating those healthy things help the weight come off. Even on a day of running 21 miles, I counted my food. Easy to do when you earn 60 activity points! Believe it or not, I ate every single one of those activity points (not necessarily in that day). It's now Saturday and I weigh in tomorrow. Once again, as of today I'm left with a bunch of my weekly allowance points. I have a birthday party today so I likely will be dipping into those points today. It didn't negatively effect the scale last week; I just hope that it doesn't again this week! : )

Week 2 weigh in tomorrow.......