A Good Day

The sun is shining and I feel good! 

I wrote this blog post last week but never shared it on Facebook so you all didn't see it. You can read it now to catch up, but it basically just talked about how I decided to re-join Weight Watchers YET AGAIN! 

Last week was week 1 of Weight Watchers and I also happened to start the week not feeling well. Sunday night I started to feel a little blah and had a horrible headache. By Monday I was achy and a little feverish. I had my infusion scheduled for Friday so I wanted to be sure to get rid of that sickness as quickly as possible. I spent the next few days in bed resting so that I could get healthy by Friday. It worked and by Thursday I was feeling significantly better. I did not workout at all last week though because I didn't want to push my body and find myself still sick and having to cancel my appointment on Friday. 

So every day I counted my points and even though I didn't earn any fitpoints until Saturday, I stayed within my points for the entire week. Actually, I even ended the week with some fitpoints remaining. The result was that I lost 2.6 pounds this week and saw the LOWEST number on the scale since 2012! YES! In the blog post last week I ended it saying that I was so close to getting below the lowest that I had hit in 2017. Well, I did that by more than a pound! 

The other thing I spent some time doing last week was really giving myself a heart to heart about how I approach this weight loss. I actually went back and was reading through this whole blog. I can't get over how funny it is to read my blog posts one right after the other. When I write them there is obviously time between each of them; but when reading them it goes from one thought to the opposite thought from one page to the next. What I already know and need to remember is that when I start to get crazy about how quickly I'm losing weight I inevitably fail. I get so neurotic that nothing is good enough or fast enough. I feel the need to be absolutely perfect and if I'm not I feel guilty and like I'm a failure. 

The outcome of this crazy cycle is that I lose weight, gain some (or all) back, lose it again, etc. This has been my cycle since I started this blog in 2012 and that is why I haven't been able to not only get to my goal weight, but even get back down to where I was at the start of 2012. I have spent so much time and energy losing the SAME 30-40 pounds over the last 6 years, it's amazing really. 2017 was a better year for this, but still not wonderful. From January to May I lost 20.2 pounds. I've talked about it before, but I then lost and gained the same 5-6 pounds from May until December. By January 1, 2018 I had gained back about 12 of the 20.2 I had lost. The best news ever is that it is 2/26/18 and I have officially lost those 12 pounds that I had gained back PLUS another 1.6! 

The real challenge now is to just keep this going in the right direction. I'm not saying that the goal is to never see the scale go up a couple pounds again. It will. The goal is for the overall trend to be down without gaining back a significant amount of weight at any point in the year. In order to do that I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to reach a certain number by a certain date. I keep making that mistake. I get away from it for a while, but then for some reason I tend to go back to trying to reach some number by some date. This time around it was that I wanted to reach a certain number by the end of this contest. I let that consume me. I was so focused on that (and it really wasn't realistic, by the way), that I didn't even see the accomplishments I was (am) making. And this 8 week contest is just that - 8 weeks. There may be people participating in this challenge who could get to their "goal" by the end of 8 weeks, but I'm not one of them. This 8 weeks is just part of my journey. 

So that's it. My focus right now is to stay on track as much as I can. Track my points. Exercise. And stop beating myself up for not being perfect. 

 

Oops....I Did It Again

A little less than a year ago I wrote this blog post about how I sometimes get into a funk with calorie counting. I talked about how I was thinking of joining Weight Watchers yet again to just kind of change up the way I track things. I ended up deciding that was stupid because I KNOW how to make better choices and I "shouldn't" have to pay for WW in order to make those choices.

I remember back in December or maybe even November when I was really struggling, I once again thought of joining WW. Again, I didn't because I "should" be able to do this myself. I mean, I lost 40 pounds in 2011 by tracking my food on Sparkpeople.

If you also recall, I have even blamed WW for feeding in to my feeling of not being good enough. I mean, I was within 2 pounds of their "approved" weight for me, but I have never become a lifetime member.

BUT, I bit the bullet and just did it. I signed up for Weight Watchers.....AGAIN.

All of those above things still apply. I still feel like I "should" be able to just make better choices without having to pay for WW. I also feel like the fact that you have to hit some arbitrary number to be considered successful is damaging to my psyche. However, I decided I needed a change from what I was currently doing. I know that WW will work for me because it has in the past. Whether it's "right or wrong", I like the fact that there are 0 point foods. And yes, as much as I can choose those foods even when I'm counting calories I tend not to....or at least not consistently enough.

I signed up for a 3 month online membership and frankly my thought is that I will probably cancel my membership after these 3 months. It's no longer my goal to become a lifetime WW member. This time around I am simply using this as a tool to help get me to where I want to be.

One of the things I like about WW is that they take all the science of food and calories into figuring out their points. I mean, I know that not all calories are created equal, but when I'm counting calories I tend to fall into the mindset that as long as it fits into my calories it's OK. And to a certain extent it is. I mean, calories in/calories out and I'll eventually lose weight. When doing weight watchers I might think twice about how I spend my calories because something that is the same number of calories (i.e. a donut, yogurt with blueberries and granola, and egg, Canadian bacon, avocado and tomato sandwich) can be drastically different points values. That donut will cost me 10 of my 23 daily points whereas the breakfast sandwich will only cost me 4. There will be days when that donut will be well worth 10 points, but more often than not it won't be worth it to me.

The other thing I get bogged down with when counting calories is worrying about whether I'm eating too much or not enough. For whatever reason I trust that if I eat my allotted WW points I must be eating enough so I don't question it. I've also never had a week, in all the years that I've done WW, that I've gained when I stayed within my points for the week. The only time I gained was when I stopped tracking.

And lastly, one of the things that I've always loved about WW is the ability to eat more some days and less others. That sounds so simple, right? I should be able to do that with calorie counting (and frankly, I even did for a short period of time in 2015). But, with WW they give you an amount to strive for. I have daily points, weekly points and can earn fitpoints for working out. I can use those points however I want. If I want to just eat my daily points during the week and save my weekly points and fitpoints to use over the weekend I can do that. If I want to eat more than my daily points every day and use my weekly/fit points to do that, that's OK too. The problem I've had with trying to successfully eat this way while calorie counting is that I'm not sure what that looks like in the way of calories. Do I need to keep my calories around 1200 during the week so I can eat 2500 on the weekends? Or can I eat more than that during the week and do I actually eat less than I think on the weekends? In 2015 I didn't actually track on the weekends so I have no idea what I was doing in order to lose those 5lbs per month (but I was only tracking my food 4-5 days per week and was losing around 5lbs per month).

There you have it. I did it AGAIN. I changed my "plan" to see if it'll help keep the scale going in the right direction. I am SO close to getting below the lowest weight that I hit in 2017. I want to get there and push past it!

What Does the Finish Line LOOK LIKE?

Columbus Marathon 2012 finish line (I'm in the orange).

I have been thinking about something since my trainer texted me the other day and at the bottom of her text she wrote "I look forward to seeing you at your finish line".

It coincides with something else she said to me when we were having a big talk about my goals. She was asking if that elusive number on the scale was always going to be something that was important to me. So, is my goal a certain number on the scale or will I be OK if my body fat percentage is in a healthy range and the scale maybe says more than I think it should.

Don't get me started with how much I hate BMI!

Hmmm....what I told her was that I think I'd be OK if I don't hit some number as long as my body fat percentage is "normal" and I am happy with what I look like. And I still believe that that is the truth.

I mean, the "good ole" BMI chart says that I need to weigh less than 150 pounds to be considered healthy. I absolutely believe that I can (and will) be happy and satisfied weighing more than that. I also believe that my body fat percentage will be in a very healthy range even when I weigh more than 150 pounds on the scale. So with that, I believe that the number on the scale won't exactly matter for my "finish line."

BUT, that stupid number on the scale DOES matter to me right now. Getting under 200 pounds IS very important to me. I don't believe that I could possibly be happy with how I look/feel if I'm over 200 pounds. I also don't believe that my body fat percentage would ever get into a healthy range when I'm over 200 pounds. And, if it would, I'm not sure I'd like how I looked even then!

My first triathlon finish line - 2011

So this FINISH LINE with weight loss is definitely an unknown for me right now. I think that's part of the problem. When I'm training for a race, the finish line is obvious. I know exactly what it's going to take. When training for a marathon I know that means that the end goal is to cover 26.2 miles however possible and do it within a time that is required for the race cut off. When training for a triathlon I knew that I had to figure out how to complete each section of the race in a certain amount of time. That was easy to work toward (well, it wasn't EASY, but knowing what I had to do was easy).
So you might say, why does it matter that you don't know what the finish line looks like? I mean, I KNOW the finish line doesn't look like me right now. I believe the finish line is at least 30-40 pounds away so why not just work towards it and figure it out later? I don't have an answer to that. Maybe it's an unconscious level of "fear". Fear that I'll lose those next 30-40 pounds and still won't be happy. The fear that it will never be enough. (taking you back to this lovely blog post or even this one). I mean, back in 2002 when I was doing WW I got down to somewhere around 154 pounds, but I couldn't become a lifetime member until I hit at least 150 pounds. So, my 154 pound size 8-10 body wasn't "good enough" to reach the finish line I was striving for at that point.

I think perhaps I'm scared to determine what my finish line is becaus what if I never cross that line??? But, on the flip side of that, if I don't determine what my finish line is how will I ever know when I cross it? Maybe the answer is to think of it in terms of a triathlon. In a triathlon you have 2 "lines" to cross before you cross the official finish line. You have to finish your swim in a certain amount of time to be able to continue. You then have to finish your bike in a certain time to continue on to your run. Then, eventually, you will cross the final finish line.

With that being said, my first goal (i.e. my "swim") is to hit that elusive 199.9.

And, although with a triathlon you know what all the goals are going into it; I am going to wait until I hit that first goal to come up with my next goal. I am going to try very hard to actually stop focusing on all the other goals I have floating around in my head and JUST focus on this one goal. If I really focus on this goal it is possible for me to meet it in the next 6 weeks!

A Slave to the NUMBERS

I really hope you enjoyed my last, really happy, post. This one will be a far cry from that one. Consider yourself warned! What's even better is this post could have been a lot worse if I would have written it earlier.

Today is day 30. I have been on this particular part of my (very long) journey for 30 days. And for these 30 days I was pretty close to as perfect as possible. I tracked my food EVERY single day; I had no wine; I exercised (hard) 25 of those 30 days; I averaged right around 1600 calories consumed daily and 3600 calories burned daily.

According to my home scale I am down just around 10 lbs in these 30 days. I say "around" because I did change scales in the middle there so my starting weight might have actually be a little lower on this current scale. I THOUGHT it would be cool to get a halfway checkpoint on the LL scale since I weighed on that one right before I started and I'll have to weigh on that one in March.

Yea. I WAS WRONG!

BIG crocodile tears today 😢

That scale this morning was 4.8 lbs HEAVIER than my scale at home. I'm sorry but I call bullshit on that! But; I let it completely derail me this morning. I was in tears and feeling totally and completely defeated. My body fat only went down 1.2% according to their device - but again, that was based on that higher weight that I really don't think was accurate.

According to the LL scale I lost 6.4 pounds in my awesome 30 days of being pretty darn near perfect. Nope. I don't believe it. I've lost 6 pounds in 30 days before when giving myself 2 free days every single week! Last April when my goal was to log every day that month and avoid wine I lost 6.2 pounds and I averaged over 2100 calories daily! I've lost 10.4 pounds in 2 WEEKS before doing WW (and not when I was a teenager either).

So if I don't believe their scale WHY do I let it get to me? Well....because I'M A SLAVE TO THE NUMBERS!!!!!! Do you see all those numbers I listed above? I could give you more. I could give you my average heart rate for every workout; my calories burned for every workout; my weight on almost every day; etc, etc, etc. It could go on forever!

I made a choice today and ONE of my goals for the next 28 days is to get away from the numbers! This is going to go farther than just giving up the dreaded scale (exactly like I talked about on this SAME day last year. I mean, it is SCARY how similar that post from last year is to this one. Yet, I clearly haven't learned. That number continues to be more important to me than it should be. But I digress). I am going to give up my GARMIN in addition to the scale. 😲This is a BIG deal, guys! I have worn that Garmin (or another version of it) on my wrist for probably 4 years. CLEARLY it is not helping me reach my goals.

Part of what derails me on days like today is that I know all these numbers and I know what they SHOULD equal. I mean, an average 2000 calorie daily deficit should equal 16 pounds lost in 30 days. It clearly isn't always going to happen that way and as much as I'd like to think I could be OK with it; I'm only OK with it if I find the number (on the scale, of my body fat, etc) acceptable. Today would have turned out VERY differently if that scale at LL showed a 10 lb loss instead of a 6.4 lb loss.

But, REALLY!?!?! That is the dumbest sentence I may have ever typed! WHY?! WHY does that stupid, f-ing number on the scale dictate my day? Does that number take away what I have accomplished this month? Does it take away the fact that in a short 30 days I have increased my strength at the gym by a considerable amount? Does it change the fact that I WAS as close to perfect as humanely possible??? NO! OF COURSE NOT! So it's time to get my head out of my ass and realize all this that I already know.

This contest is what it is. This contest is just the start of my 2018 chapter of my journey. If we win, great; if we don't, that's OK too as long as I make changes that will help me make the end of my 2018 chapter what I want it to be.

And with that, my friends, I'll leave you. Hopefully the next time I check in I won't have to yell at myself so much!

Another Monday Check In

Today marks the start of the 4th week of the Living Lean #NOEXCUSES Spring Break Challenge. I am SO excited to say I have absolutely been ROCKING it!

I clearly have a LONG way to go; BUT, this was me pushing
350 lbs last Friday. AND, I added weight to it after this turn! 

I believe that today marks day 26 since I have kicked things into gear with this challenge (since I started my "diet" on the Thursday before the actual challenge started). Friday will be day 30 and I plan to get an update on my weight and body fat percentage at the gym that morning. Based on my scale I am quite excited to see what changes might have happened over the last 30 days.

My Monday weigh in today was down another 1.6 pounds for a total of 9.2 lbs. I still haven't gotten back down to my lowest from 2017, but I'm VERY close!

One of the things you get with this contest is to be paired up with one of the trainers in the gym. I honestly think we have one of the BEST trainers ever! I really feel like she is going above and beyond for us. She jokes about not liking to lose (and I believe her!); but I also feel like, above all else, she is there to see us succeed (even if that doesn't mean winning the contest). Case in point - last week she was asking me about my goals and such and we ended up talking on the phone for 1.5 HOURS about how I can be successful in reaching my goal(s) this time. Amazing, right?!?

I had already eaten some veggies.

I've been having an epiphany of sorts these days and it's kind of amazing. Here's an example: this past week we were invited to go to dinner with some friends to celebrate their daughters' birthdays. They were going to Hibachi, which could have been a real challenge for me. I ALMOST didn't go just to avoid the challenge, but then I decided that was stupid. Instead, I decided I would just eat the chicken and veggies and would bring the fried rice home. What happened at dinner? Not only did I stick to my plan, but I even asked the chef to put my rice on my daughter's plate (so it wasn't even there to tempt me)!

Did it end up being a sorry looking plate? Sure. But, did I care?? NO! Did I sit there feeling sorry for myself because I "couldn't" eat the rice? NOT AT ALL! And therein lies my epiphany. I actually looked at it as MY CHOICE. I could have had that fried rice. I could have had some of it or all of it, but having that fried rice wouldn't help me reach my current short-term goal and therefore I decided it wasn't worth it. I've had it lots of times before and I'll have it again; just not right now. I had the same attitude when they brought out the ice cream cake (my personal favorite by the way). And I really didn't care that I wasn't having any. It still amazes me to the point that I feel like I'm lying 😂. I promise you I'm not. I'm finally feeling like I am in control of my eating and not the other way around.

One of the things that I talked about with my trainer was the fact that I would always try to focus on a "lifestyle change" rather than a "diet". I mean, that's the buzz word these days right? Make a lifestyle change and stop dieting. Well, that's all well and good, but it really is up for interpretation. I feel I was interpreting it wrong all this time. I was not wanting to "deprive" myself of anything too much because I didn't see that as a realistic lifestyle change. For example - I wouldn't usually pass up ice cream cake because in my mind I won't go the rest of my life without ice cream cake so in order to make it a "lifestyle change" I need to figure out how to fit it in. Well, there's a difference between fitting ice cream cake in when you're at a healthy weight, etc. and when you're trying to reach a goal. OMG! It seems SO simple, but seriously, I was MISSING that piece in my head.  I'm now able to tell myself that the cake (fried rice, fries, whatever) will not help me reach my goals faster and therefore it's not worth it! I'll have it again; just not in the next few weeks (or maybe months).

I'm not saying I'm going to remain "perfect" until I hit some arbitrary goal. I'm just saying staying on track has been easier with this mental change I have been making. I think the "lifestyle change" part of it comes with the weight loss. I'm also not saying that it's been all sunshine and roses during these last 26 days. Of course there have been times I struggle with wanting to eat for no reason; or times when I feel like I'm working SO hard and not seeing nearly enough of a change. But I have had the ability to fight through those negative thoughts.....and I think that has everything to do with this challenge and the support of my teammates and trainer!

I can't wait to see where I'm at on Friday and make goals for the remainder of the challenge. I also have some ideas for goals once this challenge is over, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there!