Whole30 - Round 2

** I feel like I should make the disclaimer to this particular post that it is likely going to get very long winded. I've been doing a LOT of thinking over the last few days and this post is all about that. Consider yourself warned.**

If we're being technical, it's really round 3 since I first attempted a Whole30 last August when I was really sick. I know I've discussed that before, but I only lasted 10 days because my Crohn's flare was so bad that I ended up just not eating because everything hurt. I decided that if all I could ingest was an Ensure shake than so be it and I quit after 10 days (since an Ensure shake would not be compliant with Whole30).

You all know too well about the next Whole30, which happened from April - May of this year. For any of you that missed those posts you can find them in my blog archive.

During that Whole30 I blogged nearly every day about my experience. I have spent some time over the last week re-reading those blog posts trying to figure out if I wanted to embark on another Whole30.

In some ways I remember being unhappy a lot of the time and saying that I didn't think it was a realistic way for me to live. I remember the struggles. The way I felt when I had to figure out what to eat at a baseball game when I was trying to stay compliant.

So why would I even think about trying it again? Well, it's because I also remember staying compliant at that baseball game (and how good I felt after I did that - and how it really wasn't that hard in the end). I remember not eating any ice cream when my kids got ice cream after Mary's last volleyball game. I remember not having to think TOO hard about what I was eating because I didn't have to track how much of anything I was eating.

Of course I also remember the cooking, prepping and cleaning that was involved in 30 days of my entire family eating only whole food. But this time I am not talking about my entire family doing it. I'm talking about just me. Because the reality is that I NEED to make a lifestyle change if I want to get this weight off and keep it off. I need to figure out a way to truly focus on eating healthier the majority of the time; and I think I have come to the conclusion that in order to do that I maybe have to be a little more strict for longer than even 30 days.

One of the things I remember saying during my last Whole30 was that I didn't think I felt that much better than any other time I'm eating less and losing weight. That may or may not be true, but what IS true is that when I was doing the Whole30 I was making healthy choices for those 30 days. Since I stopped the Whole30 on May 21st, I have not been able to get myself on any track of weight loss. I've had a couple good weeks in there, but never enough. I also shifted my focus from eating whole, real, healthy food to eating whatever crap I wanted that happened to fit within my points/calories for the day.

The week that I lost 4.2 pounds recently, I had eaten out (mostly fast food) about 6 times that week! That in and of itself is ridiculous (but that's another issue all together). But I obviously wasn't making the healthiest of choice if I was eating out that much. I mean, I think I had McDonald's at least 3 times that week. I did try to make "better" choices, but it wasn't like I was choosing salads for any of those meals. What I'm saying is sometimes when I do Weight Watchers I choose to still make unhealthy choices, but just try to keep it under control. The problem is, I CAN'T keep it under control (obviously). I may keep it in check enough one week to lose the weight, but then I lose all control the next week and gain it all back.

I already know that crappy food like that is a downhill trigger for me. I keep trying to incorporate unhealthy food into my diet and try the whole "all in moderation" thing, but clearly that isn't working for me. My son is turning 8 years old next Monday and the last time I weighed less than 200 (for longer than a few months) was before he was born. I mean, I hit 180 right after he was born, I hit 190 for a few months in 2007, and I hit 197 in 2011; but each and every time I've gained the weight back + extra.

What it comes down to is that when I was doing the Whole30 I wanted it to be done because I wanted to be able to incorporate the crappy food more often. I wanted to believe that I can lose weight while still eating things like McDonald's, wine, ice cream, cookies, etc, etc, etc. I clearly can't. Some people may be able to, but I have proved to myself over and over again that I can't. However, what also happened when I was doing the Whole30 is that I was eating 3 solid meals a day and sometimes almost forgetting to eat lunch because I was still satisfied from breakfast. I did not overly stress about what I was going to eat (unless we were going to a baseball game or something and I couldn't control my food by bringing it in), because I knew the things I could have and the things I couldn't. I didn't have to think about how many calories or points that is and how much I have left in my "budget" and whether or not it was worth it.

So I have decided to embark on another Whole30 starting Wednesday August 6th. This time around my goal is to actually keep the Whole30 going for as many days as I can. My thought process is that if I have an off day for whatever reason, I will "restart" the Whole30 at day 1. I am not going in to this thinking it's only 30 days this time. But I'm also not going to stress about making it 30 days in a row (if that makes sense). What it comes down to is I'm looking at this being a start to my lifestyle change. My hope is that eventually I can change my relationship with food enough that I CAN be successful with the "all things in moderation". That I can actually learn what moderation means (and learn that it doesn't mean McDonald's/fast food once a day as long as I can fit it within my allowed points/calories).

You were warned at the beginning and if you're still reading please know how much I appreciate it. I love all the support that I get from you guys. It's crazy to me to think I inspire anybody. I am glad to hear that I do. It keeps me going. I want to prove all you people who believe in me right because sometimes I am not so sure myself.