Broken Record

I'm a broken record and this is the problem.

I was watching Extreme Weight Loss the other night and the host said something that really resonated with me. He said that you can choose any diet and weight loss program out there that you want, but until you tackle the emotional reasons for getting fat you can't make the lifestyle change. Or something like that! ;)

Ok. So I have done the counseling thing and clearly it hasn't helped. I'm kind of at a loss what to do. I have actually tried 2 different therapists in the past. The first one I went to suggested I look in to Overeater's Anonymous. I went to one meeting and quickly found that it wasn't for me. And I felt like that was a cop out for that therapist. If I just wanted to do OA I could have done that on my own. So I wasn't impressed with her.

Then, a few years back, I started to see another therapist, but this time I went with the mindset that I needed overall help and the weight stuff would come as a natural part of it. I stayed with him a little longer, but still wasn't overly impressed. I didn't feel like he was helping me enough or even helping me to help myself. I ended up deciding that my money was better spent on my personal trainer and I switched to just see her. That was 2011 and I lost 40 pounds. However, we all know that wasn't permanent and I have since gained it ALL back, plus some.

2011 - when I lost 40lbs. I was around 199 in this pic

So I've said while I was doing the Whole30 that I didn't think it was realistic for me to live that way forever. And I think that's where the problem lies. I always say that I think giving up certain food groups or certain foods doesn't work for me, but I think the fact is that I don't WANT to. I think it does work for me. I gave up fast food for almost 2 years and lost 40 pounds. I did the Whole30 for 30 days and lost 16.6 pounds. I stayed consistent for 30 days and I can't seem to get that level of motivation back.

And by April 2014 this is what I looked like. 

I'm going to talk numbers now and they are embarrassing. But, they are what they are. I did this to myself and why wait until I lose to the weight to talk about where I started from?

Ok. So at the start of my Whole30 I weighed in at a whopping 250.6. I couldn't believe that I had let it get THAT bad. My highest weight previous to that was around 238, so I was not happy with myself (mind you - I weighed about 209 when I gave birth to each of my children...and I thought THAT was ridiculously high).

At the end of the Whole30 I weighed in at 234. In 30 days I had lost 16.6 pounds and was feeling good. My stomach felt better than it had felt all year, but I convinced myself that I didn't feel any better than any other time I eat healthy (which might be true). However, since I ended the Whole30 in May, I have NOT gotten on track. At one point I got down to 233.2, but that was back in June. I have been yo-yoing since then. This morning I weighed in at 239.8.....sigh......

The GOOD news is that I've been basically "maintaining" my weight (within about 5-6lbs) since I stopped the whole30. That would be great if that number was significantly lower, but it's not. But it is good that I haven't gained back all 16.6 pounds of what I lost. The other good news is that I haven't given up. I may be yo-yoing, but that means that at some point I'm being disciplined.

It sure would be nice to look like this again!

Today is August 1st and I decided that this is it. I need to just do this. (and hence broken record - how many times have I said this??) My plan is to eat as "clean" as possible the majority of the time. I'm not going to stress about added sugars or going dairy, gluten, grain-free; but I'm going to focus on eating real foods more than processed ones.

I am toying with the idea of doing another Whole30, but trying to do it even longer. However, I then re-read some of my journal entries and I just don't know. I was overwhelmed with food prep and clean-up; but I do think a lot of that was because I had my entire family doing it. Perhaps it would actually be easier a second time if I did it by myself.

I also think that I'm going to give up my Weight Watchers membership. I joined about 2.5 months ago thinking that it might be good to help me continue to lose weight. I paid for a 3 month online membership and obviously it hasn't been working any better to motivate me than the free sites that are available. So, I think I'll continue to use it for the next 15 days and then cancel it before I have to pay for month 4. I will then use my fitness pal to track my food.

Wish me luck. I really hope I can figure this out soon. I need to lose this weight once and for all.