Picking Up The Pieces....

....and starting from square one.

We all know how hard it is to start over, right?? I've done it so many times you would think that I would learn that starting over is simply no fun. Granted, part of the reason for this current state of starting over wasn't in my control. But some of it certainly was....and therein lies the problem. Sure, the Crohn's flare made it nearly impossible to continue to exercise; but it didn't have to mean eating like crap. Frankly, I probably would have been significantly better off during this flare had I eaten LESS and eaten healthy. But I didn't. I'm as much of an emotional eater as they come. The way I was seeing it was that if I was going to be in pain anyway, I mind as well eat what I want. Doesn't really make much sense, but emotional eating usually doesn't make sense.

So, now it's time. I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel from this damn flare. I am feeling better than I have in probably a year (although still not what I would call 100%, but close enough). Therefore, it's time to get this party started.

There's just one problem.......

I don't want to.

Yup. You heard me.

I'm having an exceptionally hard time "starting over" this time around. I'm not really sure why it is so much harder this time than in the past. I do know that I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact that just over 5 months ago I was crossing the finish line of a marathon, and now I can barely run/walk 1 mile without feeling like I'm going to die. It's not only about the weight, but that is certainly a big factor. I have gained about 10lbs since the marathon, but I have lost every morsel of fitness I had just 5 short months ago.

Perhaps I need to change the title of my blog....I can probably no longer say that I am fat AND fit....just fat now. And that is so frustrating to me. However, instead of using that to fuel the fire and get back on track; I use it as an excuse to feed my face and continue the horrible upward battle. Emotional eating...

These are the times when I just don't want to be bothered. I want to say screw it and just live without having to think about what I'm eating. I want to convince myself that I don't care that I'm fat and that life would be better if I just stopped worrying about it. But, that will never be the case. I will never be the happy fat person. So, I need to just do it. I need to get over the fact that it isn't fair, the fact that I will forever have to think about what I eat, the fact that this will be a lifelong journey; and JUST DO IT!

So, it's Monday...and it's April 1st. A fresh start. Today is yet another Day 1. Let's see how long this one lasts....