Sabotage

It's such a nasty thing...isn't it??

I am horribly guilty of self-sabotage. I have said it before, but have not yet taken the time to figure out the answer. WHY do I constantly sabotage myself? What is it that I am afraid of? Why do I want to continue to fail? It must be something deep in my subconscious that is keeping me from being successful, but I don't know what it is.

So here is a very interesting fact. From February to March I gained less than 2lbs. I wasn't tracking (obviously); wasn't exercising; but wasn't really concerning myself with it either. I knew that I was gaining and not losing, but it wasn't really my main focus. My main focus was that I was still feeling like crap from the Crohn's flare and just wanted to get better.

Fast forward to these last 2 weeks when I started to stress about it again...I have GAINED almost 5lbs (and that's not counting whatever the scale is going to say tomorrow, which I can guarantee won't be down). It's because the self-sabotaging has set in. 2 weeks ago I decided I needed to really re-start. I don't think I lasted a day. Then, last week, I wrote this post about starting yet again (you all just didn't know that I had already tried the week previous). And yet here I am AGAIN. I didn't re-start. I lasted 3/4 of one day. How pathetic is that?? Pretty darn.

But. It's water under the bridge. There is nothing I can do about it now. What I can do, is STOP the self-sabotage. I wanted to try to get my eating in control first and then start to re-introduce the exercise, but I'm changing my mind on that. I think the exercise and activity is the key for me. I think it makes me feel better, which in turn helps my motivation to eat well.

I was the most successful with my weight loss from April 2011 until about November 2011 - no coincidence that during that time I also trained for and completed a half marathon in May 2011, a sprint triathlon in September 2011 and another half marathon in November 2011 (there were other smaller races thrown in there as well). No wonder I was able to lose 31lbs between April 1st and November 1st that year.

Clearly what I have been doing to get myself "re-started" hasn't been working. So, I'm taking a different approach this week. I found a training program to follow from couch to a sprint tri. So, I spent some time this weekend mapping out my training program to start on Monday. My goal will be to complete the sprint tri at the Vermillion Triathlon in August.

Here is this weeks' schedule:

8	9	10	11	12	13	14
Walk 20 min.	Bike 2 miles	Walk 20 min		Swim 50 yds. Bike 2 miles	Walk 25 min	Bike 2 miles

Now, it may seem a little overwhelming to go from 0 to 6 days of exercise per week, but look at the amounts. Walking 20 minutes is really nothing. Biking 2 miles - that's almost not worth getting on the bike. Swimming 50 yards - at the pool I go to that is 1 full lap. These amounts are not at all difficult. Chances are I will do more than what is scheduled because if I drive all the way to the pool, get on my suit and get in the water you can bet I'll stay in for longer than 5 minutes. What makes this so awesome though is that if I get in the pool and decide that I'm not feeling it or it is harder than I thought to get re-started, etc; I can do my one lap and leave and know that I did what was scheduled for my workout that day. Baby steps. And right now, it's all about feeling like I'm succeeding! It's setting me up for success instead of failure. The self-sabotage only gets worse the worse I'm doing. So, if I can feel like I'm succeeding then perhaps I can stop the sabotaging for the time being. 

As far as the diet plan for this week.....I'm going to start with baby steps there too. One (or a few) step(s) at a time. My goals for this week regarding my diet are as follows:
1) Wine only 1 night (I was going to say no wine, but I have a recipe this week that calls for wine and there is NO WAY that I will make the meal and not drink the open bottle of wine in the fridge!).
2) No snacking after dinner (unless it's fruit).
3) Eat planned dinners (this should be easy because even as bad as I've been lately I've been really good about planning our dinners and actually making them throughout the week).

I have more I can do, but the longer the list gets, the more likely it is that I will fail...for now. I've tried to do the all or nothing thing the past 2 weeks (i.e. start tracking on weight watchers online and stay within points) and that hasn't worked...and has resulted in a significant weight gain. So, I'm trying a different approach this next week. At this point if I just stop gaining weight I will have succeeded!

So, there's my confession. I'm hoping the next blog entry can be more positive and report only good things. Wish me luck!