Happy November

My view for my walk the other day.....when it actually wasn't raining!

How is it already NOVEMBER?!?!

I hope everyone had a great Halloween and didn't go too crazy on candy. I was actually very proud of myself yesterday because it wasn't even a challenge. My daughter went to a friends house to help pass out candy and my son went trick or treating with some friends. The night wasn't any different for me than any other night.

I saved some points for the end of the day so that I could steal a piece (or 2) of candy and that's exactly what I did. I had half a serving of Chewy Lemonheads (3 points) and one of the mini size Reese's Pumpkins (4 points). As you know, I'm entering my calories in My Fitness Pal as well as tracking on the WW app. My calories yesterday were 1369....on Halloween! Needless to say I am feeling very proud of myself today.

I decided to re-do my weight loss calendar. You may remember I posted a different looking calendar a couple times this year and my weight loss looks slightly different on that one. When I first made the calendar I would count the loss for that month from the 1st to the 31st; but I decided that doesn't give the most accurate measure of where my weight is at. So, these are the dates I used to figure out the above calendar:

January = 1/1/18 - 2/1/8

February = 2/1/18 - 3/1/18

March = 3/1/18 - 4/1/18

April = 4/1/18 - 5/1/18

May = 5/1/18 - 6/8/18 

June = 6/8/18 - 7/1/18

July = 7/1/18 - 8/1/18

August = 8/1/18 - 9/1/18

September = 9/1/18 - 10/8/18

October = 10/8/18 - 11/1/8

You'll see that May is actually all of May plus the start of June which means it incorporates our vacation. You'll also see that it has taken me quite a while to get back on the losing train since getting back from vacation in June. September also incorporates the start of October because I was struggling at that point and really didn't want to get on the scale on October 1st. I think I was scared that the scale might show me a number I didn't want to see. 

But, what I want to focus on is the loss for the month of October! I am absolutely STOKED to see 4.6 pounds on that calendar. You might think I'd be disappointed because "that's not much weight", but you'd be wrong. You'll remember that on September 4th I blogged about wanting to lose 5 pounds in September. And, you'll remember that in my first October post I talked about how I did not meet that goal. Interestingly, for October I didn't denote any specific goal for the month. 2 weeks ago I simply stated that I wanted to get back to being more consistent again with my tracking. I also re-joined WW. 4.4 of those 4.6 pounds have come since that post on 10/16/18. 

Perhaps this has something to do with my loss this month. 😉
I have PR'd on so many things in the gym this month.
This was just one exercise where I did PR'd.
This is 240# and I deadlifted that 6 times! 

On Monday I talked about how I didn't track my food on Sunday and had used almost all my points by the time Saturday was done. What's interesting is that on Monday this week I was easily able to get right back to it. I tracked what I ate and kept my points/calories low. My calories have been pretty low all week and, although not easy, I would say it hasn't been hard because I am allowing myself to have my weekends. I've decided that's where I'm going to stay for a while. If I can be more strict with myself during the week I should still be able to lose weight even with not tracking on the weekends. And, I remember what happened last time I did this; I felt so good when I was tracking during the week that I would start to track on the weekends "just to see" where I was. Or, I enjoyed seeing the scale drastically drop during the week when I kept my calories nice and low that I maybe didn't want to eat as much on the weekends because I didn't want to see that huge jump on the scale on Monday. Also, the more consistent I am with eating reasonably, the more natural it becomes. My "free" weekends naturally won't be as "bad" (I hate using that word but don't know how else to really explain it) because my body has gotten used to less food. But just knowing that if there is something I really want, I can  have it as long as I just wait for the weekend makes all the difference for me right now. 

If I can do all these things and lose 4-5 pounds a month I will still be down another 8-10 pounds before January 1, 2019. That will put me at my lowest weight since before Robbie was born (he's 12) and would be my most successful weight loss in one year ever! And, since I just looked that up, I realize I actually only have to lose another 4 pounds (and keep it off until January 1st) in order to have my most successful weight loss year. 😁I can do this. It doesn't have to be that hard....even if we are starting the most difficult 2 months of the year for weight loss! 

Another Monday

Here we are at another Monday and another baby step closer to getting myself back on track.

You know what? Scratch that. I need to stop saying I'm off track or on track. Perhaps this is just what my track looks like. Let's face it; this is the way I lose weight. I have a few months where I am very actively losing weight and then a few months where I am mostly maintaining (sometimes gaining). This cycle has been repeating since I really got re-focused on losing weight in April 2014.

Rather than thinking of it as my normal weight loss cycle, I tend to put a negative spin on it and think that I always "fall off the wagon" for several months out of the year. Why do we have to be so negative? The reality is that I have been consistently losing weight since April 2014. It hasn't been fast. It certainly hasn't be linear; but my weight has gone down every year.

Here's the kicker; I have made some  huge strides this year to improve this journey. I am figuring out how to stay more consistent so that the weight comes off a little faster. In 2016 I was so off and on that in the end I was only 2.4 pounds lighter on January 1, 2017 than I was on 1/1/16. Throughout 2016 I had lost 29 pounds, but ultimately ended up gaining back 26.6 of those 29 pounds. But, the important thing to note here is that I did not gain all the weight back.

I may have gained back most of what I lost in 2016, but I didn't quit. 2017 came and I tried to get back down to business. I had a rough start and gained another 1.6 pounds from Jan-Feb 2017. But I kept going. In 2017 I lost 28.2 pounds. I gained back 21.3 of those 28.2 pounds and on January 1, 2018 I weighed "only" 6.9 pounds less than I did on Jan 2017. I could look at these stats and be discouraged; but I'm not. What I see is that between 2016 and 2017 I decreased the amount of weight I gained back throughout the year and lost more as a result.

And again, I did not quit. As of today I have lost 30.5 pounds in 2018 and have only gained back 5.6 pounds. That means that as of the beginning of this month (October 8th technically because that was the first day I weighed myself in October); I have lost 24.9 pounds this year. That is quite a jump from 2.4 or 6.9! Now, in 2016 I gained 2 pounds between October and Jan 1st; and in 2017 I gained 9.6 pounds between October and Jan 1st; so I still have work to do to keep on this path of improvement.

I will continue to fight at least enough of the fight to not gain any more weight back. I am doing just barely enough to make that happen; but I'm making a step every week towards doing more to ensure that gaining back more weight doesn't happen. This week I did not meet my goal of tracking every day and staying within my points. But, I made it farther than the week before. I tracked and stayed within my points until Sunday this week! I was so proud of myself on Friday. I woke up wanting to eat everything in site for no reason. I did eat a lot that day but I tracked everything and by the time I ate dinner (before the football game), I decided that my goal was to get through the rest of the night with no more food. I really didn't think I'd meet that goal but I did!

Saturday was great and I ate less throughout the day because I knew I was going to eat more at dinner with friends. I ate way too much Saturday night and was feeling it; but I still estimated my points for everything. By the end of Saturday I had burned through most of my points. I had about 20 of my FitPoints left so really plenty for Sunday to be an easy day. I have no excuses, I just wasn't feeling it on Sunday so I ate a bunch and didn't track it.

Am I mad today? Nope. Sure, I could have seen a lower number on the scale if I would have stayed more on track this week, but I'm choosing to look at the positive. I stayed on track for more days last week than I have in a long time. In case you're wondering I also had a slight loss on the scale today.

Thinking through this blog post today I realized that part of my cycle includes getting to a point where I want the weight loss to happen faster. I think this coincides with the weight loss/gain/maintain cycle because when I'm feeling like I want the weight gone yesterday I inevitably gain or maintain. When I start to take the pressure off of myself and realize that it really doesn't matter how slowly I lose weight as long as I lose it, I resume losing weight.

I have been trying since at least September to "really get back on track" and I've been thinking/feeling really negatively. I look at pictures and see not good enough again. I beat myself up because I should be losing more weight, etc. Well, it's time to get my brain back to realizing that I am doing OK. I am doing even better than I was last year and I will continue to work at this weight loss regardless of how long it takes.

Part of what happened this week is that I dipped into a lot of my weeklies on Wednesday. I used more of them on Thursday and Friday so by Saturday I was already using my FitPoints, which just means that I was already eating at the high end last week so that didn't give much room for a slip up. My goal this week is to try to stay away from my weeklies Mon-Thurs so that basically I'm eating lighter during the week so that I can eat a little more on the weekends. It is always my goal to track, but I'm also not going to beat myself up for not tracking on the weekends. The thing is, if I save basically all my weeklies and FitPoints until the weekend I can pretty easily eat without tracking and still see a loss on the scale on Monday. This method has worked for me in the past and I am sure it can again. It doesn't result in the fastest of weight loss, but if I can lose another 8-12 pounds between now and January 1, 2019 I will be beyond happy. And honestly, if I don't lose another pound but don't gain any more either, I'll be pretty content with that as well.

This was a long one today. If you're still reading thanks for listening to my ramblings. Here's to a great week ahead!

Day 4

For some reason day 4 has always been the most difficult day for me. Since most of the time I will be "starting" on a Monday, day 4 falls on a Thursday and perhaps I tend to fall off because I'm anticipating it being too hard on the weekend or something.

Day 1 (2, 3 and 4) breakfast

So here we are at another day 4. The good news is I've made it to day 4! If you've been reading my boring posts lately, you know that day 4 hasn't been a given these last few months. Last week I got through day 4, but fell apart for days 5-7. I am trying a lot of self-talk today to prevent that from happening again this week.

Day 1 (2 and 3 - haven't decided on day 4 yet) lunch

A couple of weeks ago I only lasted through day 2. On day 3 I overate and then just couldn't get myself back on track for days 4-7. I do think re-joining WW will be what helps me finally jump back on that wagon for more than just a handful of days in a row. Reason being is WW gives me the freedom to have a day (or even 2) where I overeat, but if I track what I'm eating I can see that I'm not actually "off program". There are plenty of times when I'm following WW and I have a day where I end up not tracking because I don't want to see the "damage" I'm doing. When the next day comes and I have a clear head I almost always go back and track everything I ate the day before. The majority of the time when I do that I see that I haven't actually used all my points so really I'm still fine as long as I get right back on track. It helps me to see what "getting back on track" has to mean.

So last night when I indulged while watching my baby girl perform during pre-game at the Cavs game; I didn't even think about it because I still have 26 of my weekly points as well as all the FitPoints that I'm earning this week. My only goal this week is to track and stay within my points - even if I use every last one of those weeklies and FitPoints.

Mary is 4th from the left

But then we're on to today. Day 4 and a day after using 40 points yesterday. The self-talk comes in to play because I start to second guess if I will have enough extra points to get through the weekend staying on plan. Basically do I have enough points to indulge as much as I want on the weekend?? The answer is NO and I never will. Even if I had all 42 weekly points and all my FitPoints coming into Friday, they still wouldn't cover the amount that I've been eating on the weekends. That's why I'm not actively losing.....DUH! 

On the JumboTron

It's getting back into the right mindset. It's not trying to figure out how I can play the system to eat everything I want, but getting back to thinking about what is really worth the indulgence and what I can wait to have until a little later when I've made a little more progress. I will never give up eating certain things, but I need to remember that I am perfectly able to avoid things for a finite period of time while I work on my goals. I can also remind myself that I can make room for those things here and there even when working on my goals - I just can't have it all. 

I chose to eat chicken fingers and fries at the game last night. That will more than likely mean that I will have to choose to skip something over the weekend (wine, an extra snack at the football game Friday night, another heavily fried meal, etc). Does it mean that I won't be able to indulge at all this weekend? No. I need to constantly remind myself that when I get into the groove, it is not that hard! It's not. But, man, why is it so hard so often then??? Because our minds lead us to believe that it is hard. It would be hard to say I am never going to have chicken fingers and fries ever again for as long as I live. But that's not what I'm saying and that's not what I have to do. I simply need to make the choice, count it, shift the rest of my week, and move on. And that is not that hard. So I will prove to myself once again that it's not that hard and that I can and will do it! 

What an awesome experience for these high school kids!

Back to Basics

I've noticed a theme over my last several blog posts. They usually happen at the beginning of the week and they talk about what my plan is to get myself back on track that week.

I could be embarrassed by the fact that I keep having to talk about how I really haven't gotten back on track yet. But, rather than be embarrassed I am choosing to look at it from a different angle. What I see is that even after 5 months of not getting myself back on track I continue to try each and every week. Some weeks I may last 1 day, some weeks (like last week) I last 4 days; but I always try to get myself back on track each and every Monday.

This weekend I realized that counting calories right now isn't giving me enough structure to kick my butt back in gear. I once again went back and read through some blog posts to give me some much needed motivation. I read through all of April since that was such a great month for me. In reading my posts I was reminded about when I was doing WW and tracked a "bad day" to find that I had still actually only eaten about 1800 calories. In the past few weeks when trying to get back on track counting calories I would say 1800 calories was a pretty good day.

What it comes down to is that WW seems to help me focus on better quality food. The point system helps me to determine if a food is "worth it" or not for me in that moment. When counting calories it might be easy to say that something that's 100 calories is just as "worth it" as something else that is 100 calories because the calories are the same. With WW those 100 calories may be 0 points (if it's a banana or hard boiled egg) or 3 points (if it's a 100 calorie bag of pretzels). The hard boiled egg will likely hold me over better than a small bag of pretzels. My body will also process that egg differently than the pretzels. And as much as I logically know this, I seem to make the "better" choices when I'm following the WW program and not just counting calories.

Anyway, I'm saying all this to say that I decided to renew my WW membership again. I signed up for the 3 month contract so I will be doing it for at least the next 3 months. Between February and May when I was following WW I lost about 19 pounds. Let's see what I can accomplish over these next 3 months. I don't expect it to be quite that much for several reasons, but I will be happy with the scale moving back in the right direction again. I need to lose 6.6 pounds to get back to where I was on June 15th when I hit my lowest weight this year. I have 31 days between today and Thanksgiving and my goal is to be back down to my lowest by then.

So let's get back to basics and do what worked for me back in April and see if it will work for me again. My goals this week are:

TRACK! Yea, that's pretty much it this week. The goal for this week is to track everything and stay within my points. I get 23 points per day; 42 weeklies to use and then can earn FitPoints for exercising. For this week I am not worried about how many of those points I use, as long as I end the week at 0 (or with points remaining obviously).

Right now I am focusing on 31 days. I do feel like focusing on short term goals like this have also helped in the past. So today was 1/31 and was a good day. I ended my day at 24 points. On to day 2!

Have You Seen My MOJO??

Needless to say I have not yet found my mojo.

This might help. This was my view this morning for my run

In my last post I said I was going to force the issue and try to lose 5 pounds in the month of September. In that post I said my weigh in for September 1st was 196.2. My goal for Sept 29th was 191.2. By Sept 15th (week 2 weigh in) I was down to 193.8 so basically right on track to lose 4.8-5 lbs in the month. And that is where anything positive from September ends.

I can't tell you what happened. I don't know why I can't seem to get my butt back in gear. And frankly seeing that I really was on track for the first two weeks of the month annoys the crap out of me. The problem is, I didn't feel like I was on track at all. It was a constant mental struggle and I just ended up giving in.

And after taking the other pic I turn to see these guys.

Yesterday I decided to look back through my blog (this is why I love this blog) and re-read all my posts from April. I realized what I have been trying to do is be perfect. I've been wanting to get myself back on track so badly that I've been trying to have a perfect week. A week where at the end of the week I'm down 5+ pounds. I've done it before so I feel like I could easily do it again. The problem with this way of thinking is that when I'm not perfect I go to the other extreme. What I think I wasn't realizing is that a lot of those "successful weeks",  I rarely go into them thinking I have to be perfect. My mindset is what makes the difference in this journey. So yesterday I decided to switch up my mindset. I am going into this week with a goal of not being perfect, but getting back to being consistent. My goal is to track what I eat and move on. Eat what I want and attempt to make it fit into my calorie goal.

I didn't start April with the goal of losing 15 pounds that month. I started April hoping that by the time we left for our trip on May 26th I would have lost 12 pounds total. My goals for that first week in April were to track my food and stay within my allotted points - even if that meant using ALL my "extra" points. In the end, I didn't need that much freedom, but because I allowed myself to have that "freedom", I was successful.

I had been completely fine with maintaining my weight this summer. All of my clothes still fit and the scale wasn't drastically going up so I didn't stress about it. However, I eventually got to a point where even though my scale is showing that I'm still under 200 pounds, I don't feel as fit and lean as I did back in May. I'm only 6lbs heavier than I was in May, but it feels like more to me.

My beautiful daughter had her very first homecoming a few weeks ago and for the first time in a while I did not like the pictures of me. It's totally crazy because the jeans I'm wearing in that picture were hand me downs from my sister after she lost her weight and they are a size 12!!! That sweater (also from my sister) is a large. But I look at that picture and rather than seeing how far I've come, I see how far I still have to go.

2015-->2018

I even ended up doing a comparison pic to my heaviest because I was thinking I looked just as big. And what's even worse?? When I did the comparison pic I didn't see as many differences as I usually do. I don't see a 50lb difference between those photos. I quickly got back in my not good enough mindset. It's amazing how quickly that mindset comes back and inhibits my efforts. I think when I get into this mindset I become all or nothing because I'm trying so hard to be "good enough". So here's my reminder: I am good enough. I may not have lost any weight between May and now, but I have managed to maintain my weight within 6 pounds - and that's good enough. 

I continue to make baby steps in this weight loss journey and that is good enough. Baby steps. Every year since 2014 I have lost weight, gained a bunch (but not all) back and started the cycle over again. But I have never given up and if that isn't good enough I don't know what is! Every January since 2014 I have weighed less on Jan 1st than I did on the previous Jan. 1st. The change has not been drastic because at some point within the  year I gain back some of what I had lost throughout the year. The difference between 1/15 and 1/16 was 11.8 pounds. The difference between 1/16 and 1/17 was 2.4 pounds. The difference between 1/17 and 1/18 was 6.9 pounds. The difference between 1/18 and today is 25 pounds. I am bound and determined to make it even more of a difference come Jan 1st. All I can do is keep trying....and that's exactly what I intend to do!

Game (back) ON!

Remember that scene in Wayne's World where they were playing hockey in the street and every time a car came by they would yell game off and then when it was clear, GAME ON?!?! Yea, I know I just dated myself but you all know how old I am anyway. Regardless, when I was thinking about this blog post I kept thinking of this scene in this movie. I keep saying to myself "GAME ON" in the same way Wayne and Garth say it when they go back to playing hockey. 

After an entire summer of me saying "Game Off"; I am saying GAME ON starting today! I have allowed myself a summer of pretty much complete freedom and I am absolutely happy with how that turned out. I already touched on that in my last post; but I am really proud of how I have changed from my all or nothing thinking.

Since my last blog post I have continued to workout 4-6 days per week (6 most weeks). I have worked out pretty much just as hard at LL as I did before I broke my wrist; I just have had to make some modifications. And sometimes those modifications made it even harder (i.e. one handed planks!), but I did it. The support I have gotten from everyone at LL is amazing. People were surprised that I was still showing up with a cast on my wrist. Just like I said in my last post though, my food choices have been less than stellar this summer. However, I have succeeded in my goal of keeping my weight under 200 while I'm trying to get my mojo back. This has everything to do with the fact that I had not been thinking all or nothing. I still worked out hard 6 days per week even though I wasn't eating well. I never once thought that I should skip a workout because I'm just "wasting it" anyway (something I used to often think). I'm realizing it's never a waste because it allows me to get away with eating/drinking the way I did without as much of a negative consequence.

 I'm not sure if my mojo is officially back, but I'm going to force the issue and find it. I am happy with how I handled my summer in that I didn't gain back more than about 5-7 pounds from my lowest weight this year. But, it's now time to get back to business. I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be and as much as I'm clearly in no rush to get there, I don't want to be going backwards anymore. There are plenty of things I see that I want to continue to improve upon and it's time to start moving in the right direction again.

Not at my original "goal weight" 185lbs,
but in a size large dress - I'll take it! 

How do I plan to get myself back into the game? Well, I did cancel my WW subscription back in July after I broke my wrist. I wasn't really tracking anymore anyway and I never intended to continue WW indefinitely. The plan all along with WW was to do it for a short period of time and to double track so that I could see in terms of calories what I was eating in order to lose weight. I had that absolutely amazing month of April when I was on track all but 1 day and I double tracked that entire month so I can now look back in MFP to see what I ate when I lost around 15 pounds in one month.

So the plan this month is to get back to tracking everything I eat. I actually am trying yet another way of tracking on MFP. Rather than setting a certain calorie goal I actually just set my tracker to maintain my weight. I feel like this is a great way to stay positive and always feel like I'm being successful. Playing mind games with myself during this journey is very important! I still have my Garmin synced to MFP so I will automatically get more calories I can eat if/when I workout.

In addition to tracking everything I eat again, the goal is to have at least 500 calories remaining every day. This will ensure that I have at least a 500 calorie deficit every day. Part of what I like about the way I'm going to track this time is that the number of calories I'm eating each day could vary greatly and that's OK. I'm not going to fret about having eaten 2000 calories. If I burned 2500 or more (which I usually do) throughout the day, than eating 2000 still fits within my goals for this month. If I have 500 (or more) calories remaining each day this month I should see a nice loss at the end of the month - not 15 pounds, but that's OK! If I can consistently lose 5 pounds for the next 3 months I will be pretty darn close to my lowest weight since before I got pregnant with Robbie (in 2005).

Between Sept 2015 and mid-Dec 2015 I lost 16.6 pounds by losing just around 5lbs each month. During that time I was tracking my food 4-5 days per week and not tracking 2-3 days per week. On the days I tracked I tried to keep my calorie deficit close to 1000 calories so that it could make up for where I might be when I wasn't tracking. This resulted in about 5 pounds each month. I have to think that if I focus on having "only" a 500 calorie deficit every day it'll figure out to be the same. It also won't be perfect. There will likely be days when I have a more than 1000 calorie deficit and days when I have almost no deficit. For example, my deficit right now today is at 1088 and I'm probably just going to have an 80 calorie enlightened ice cream bar tonight and be done eating on the day.

Right now I'm just looking at September. I didn't start this until today so it is already the 4th, but I think if I focus on the 500 calorie deficit every day for the rest of this month I'll see a good loss. I just have to think that if the scale has yo-yo'd the same 5-7 pounds for the past 3 months that it'll definitely start going down with a little consistency in my eating. We shall see......

Starting weight on September 1st = 196.2.
GOAL weight for September 29th = 191.2

Next official weigh in will be September 8th. I ate/drank a LOT on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd (LOL) so I'm not sure if I'll see much of a loss in this first week but that's OK. I think it'll be fun to have official weigh-in's each Saturday of this month.

Change of Plans

Perhaps someone is trying to teach me a lesson regarding my tendency to be all or nothing. I actually think I've gotten so much better at NOT being all or nothing when it comes to weight loss. Well, I am not physically able to go ALL out for at least a month (and realistically more like 2).

I find it relatively amusing that my last blog post was talking about how those first 2 days of being back "on" went well and day 3 was going well. It was only hours later that I was in the Emergency Department waiting room crying because of how badly my wrist hurt. Sigh.

It's funny though; the first thing I thought about when I realized I most likely just broke my wrist was how mad I was because I wouldn't be able to do the workouts at Living Lean! I soon decided that I would just have to continue to do whatever I could handle because this is NOT going to stop me!

The ER of course put this huge splint on my arm and had me immobilized past my elbow. I thought this was a little excessive seeing as the break was in my wrist, so I was hopeful the ortho doc would give me a smaller cast. My wish was granted, but of course she said that it was very likely I also broke some bones in my thumb since it was painful when she pressed on it and those breaks tend to be hard to see on X-Ray's. So I don't have the use of my thumb which makes things even more difficult, but I'm managing.

I am managing, BUT, I have decided to change my plans. If you recall, my plans were to try to get down to 185 by August 10th. After breaking my wrist I decided this was not likely a realistic goal.  The night I broke my wrist I didn't eat dinner until leaving the hospital. It was around 9 PM, I was starving, I was emotional, I was in a lot of pain and I was on painkillers. We ended up at the Arby's drive thru and I decided I just didn't care. The next day I had planned to get right back on track; but then I couldn't do anything. I couldn't make my normal breakfast and I was still so frustrated and in lots of pain. My husband ended up just getting us breakfast sandwiches after picking Robbie up from football. This snowballed into me deciding I could take the weekend to feel sorry for myself (cue all or nothing thinking).

7/2016 vs. 7/2018

On Monday I went back to Living Lean. I had only missed one day at LL after breaking my wrist since I'm usually there Mon, Wed, Fri. When I got there wearing my #NOEXCUSES tanktop the trainer said she needed a picture! She took one and posted it to Facebook. I was a little nervous about how I would look in it since I hadn't seen the picture prior to her posting it. When I saw it on Facebook I was reminded of how far I've come and all that has changed for me in the last couple years. I loved so many things about the pic (not the least of which is that I all of the sudden have dimples. I noticed them in some of the Disney pics I took with Mary too. I have never had dimples before). I decided to look for older pictures from July to do a comparison pic. I found the ones from 2016 when I took the kids to the Holden Arboretum. I remember posting a pic from that trip because I was proud of the progress I had made since 2015 (regardless how slow). So I found one of those pics and compared it to the one taken at LL.

It was in this moment that I decided to stop being so hard on myself. I realized that since starting the Whole30 on 4/22/14, I have consistently been losing weight. I have gone up and down over the past 4 years, but I have never weighed what I did on day 1 of the Whole30. My highest weight in 2015 was less than day 1 of the Whole30. My highest weight in 2016 was lower than my 2015 highest weight. My highest weight in 2017 was lower than my highest weight in 2016. You're seeing the trend. So far, my highest weight in 2018 was less than my highest in 2017 (and I plan to keep it that way).

I'm so hard on myself and feel like I'm not succeeding at losing weight because I inevitably gain some back every year. I feel like if I don't lose 60 lbs in one year and then keep every ounce of it off then I'm "off track". Maybe not. Maybe this is my balance. Maybe what I'm learning is how to maintain my weight for a while without gaining as much back before I go back to actively losing. Perhaps I'm learning that not losing weight doesn't mean I'm a failure. I haven't lost anything since I hit my lowest weight before vacation. But I've basically been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds since May. Why is this a bad thing? It's not. It means that I'm figuring out how to keep things in check. I saw 199 on the scale once since back in April when I first hit 199.8. That 200 continues to be my benchmark. If I see the scale creeping closer to 200 I do something about it.

I'm finally starting to realize that just because I'm not actively losing doesn't have to mean I'm actively gaining (all or nothing). The clothes that I had to buy still fit just fine. I still feel leaner than I've felt in years and I continue to workout as much as possible. I haven't stopped doing anything; I'm just choosing to eat and drink more than when I was actively losing. And that's OK. 

2015--2016--2018

So I no longer have a goal of hitting 185 by a certain date. My mindset just isn't there right now. My goal is to stay under 200 for now. I can't tell you when this goal will change. There is still a part of me that wants to lose another 10 pounds before Nov so I have a buffer for my usual end of year weight gain. But that's kind of dumb. I'm basically saying I'm planning to gain 10-15 lbs back at the end of 2018/beginning of 2019 because that's what I've always done. I need to figure out how to get my mojo back before I gain back 10+ pounds. So perhaps that's my goal....stay under 200 until I get my mojo back....whenever that may be. I do think it'll be sooner rather than later.

And this post just took forever since I pretty much have to type with one hand. Don't expect another post for a while 😉