Change of Plans

Perhaps someone is trying to teach me a lesson regarding my tendency to be all or nothing. I actually think I've gotten so much better at NOT being all or nothing when it comes to weight loss. Well, I am not physically able to go ALL out for at least a month (and realistically more like 2).

I find it relatively amusing that my last blog post was talking about how those first 2 days of being back "on" went well and day 3 was going well. It was only hours later that I was in the Emergency Department waiting room crying because of how badly my wrist hurt. Sigh.

It's funny though; the first thing I thought about when I realized I most likely just broke my wrist was how mad I was because I wouldn't be able to do the workouts at Living Lean! I soon decided that I would just have to continue to do whatever I could handle because this is NOT going to stop me!

The ER of course put this huge splint on my arm and had me immobilized past my elbow. I thought this was a little excessive seeing as the break was in my wrist, so I was hopeful the ortho doc would give me a smaller cast. My wish was granted, but of course she said that it was very likely I also broke some bones in my thumb since it was painful when she pressed on it and those breaks tend to be hard to see on X-Ray's. So I don't have the use of my thumb which makes things even more difficult, but I'm managing.

I am managing, BUT, I have decided to change my plans. If you recall, my plans were to try to get down to 185 by August 10th. After breaking my wrist I decided this was not likely a realistic goal.  The night I broke my wrist I didn't eat dinner until leaving the hospital. It was around 9 PM, I was starving, I was emotional, I was in a lot of pain and I was on painkillers. We ended up at the Arby's drive thru and I decided I just didn't care. The next day I had planned to get right back on track; but then I couldn't do anything. I couldn't make my normal breakfast and I was still so frustrated and in lots of pain. My husband ended up just getting us breakfast sandwiches after picking Robbie up from football. This snowballed into me deciding I could take the weekend to feel sorry for myself (cue all or nothing thinking).

7/2016 vs. 7/2018

On Monday I went back to Living Lean. I had only missed one day at LL after breaking my wrist since I'm usually there Mon, Wed, Fri. When I got there wearing my #NOEXCUSES tanktop the trainer said she needed a picture! She took one and posted it to Facebook. I was a little nervous about how I would look in it since I hadn't seen the picture prior to her posting it. When I saw it on Facebook I was reminded of how far I've come and all that has changed for me in the last couple years. I loved so many things about the pic (not the least of which is that I all of the sudden have dimples. I noticed them in some of the Disney pics I took with Mary too. I have never had dimples before). I decided to look for older pictures from July to do a comparison pic. I found the ones from 2016 when I took the kids to the Holden Arboretum. I remember posting a pic from that trip because I was proud of the progress I had made since 2015 (regardless how slow). So I found one of those pics and compared it to the one taken at LL.

It was in this moment that I decided to stop being so hard on myself. I realized that since starting the Whole30 on 4/22/14, I have consistently been losing weight. I have gone up and down over the past 4 years, but I have never weighed what I did on day 1 of the Whole30. My highest weight in 2015 was less than day 1 of the Whole30. My highest weight in 2016 was lower than my 2015 highest weight. My highest weight in 2017 was lower than my highest weight in 2016. You're seeing the trend. So far, my highest weight in 2018 was less than my highest in 2017 (and I plan to keep it that way).

I'm so hard on myself and feel like I'm not succeeding at losing weight because I inevitably gain some back every year. I feel like if I don't lose 60 lbs in one year and then keep every ounce of it off then I'm "off track". Maybe not. Maybe this is my balance. Maybe what I'm learning is how to maintain my weight for a while without gaining as much back before I go back to actively losing. Perhaps I'm learning that not losing weight doesn't mean I'm a failure. I haven't lost anything since I hit my lowest weight before vacation. But I've basically been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds since May. Why is this a bad thing? It's not. It means that I'm figuring out how to keep things in check. I saw 199 on the scale once since back in April when I first hit 199.8. That 200 continues to be my benchmark. If I see the scale creeping closer to 200 I do something about it.

I'm finally starting to realize that just because I'm not actively losing doesn't have to mean I'm actively gaining (all or nothing). The clothes that I had to buy still fit just fine. I still feel leaner than I've felt in years and I continue to workout as much as possible. I haven't stopped doing anything; I'm just choosing to eat and drink more than when I was actively losing. And that's OK. 

2015--2016--2018

So I no longer have a goal of hitting 185 by a certain date. My mindset just isn't there right now. My goal is to stay under 200 for now. I can't tell you when this goal will change. There is still a part of me that wants to lose another 10 pounds before Nov so I have a buffer for my usual end of year weight gain. But that's kind of dumb. I'm basically saying I'm planning to gain 10-15 lbs back at the end of 2018/beginning of 2019 because that's what I've always done. I need to figure out how to get my mojo back before I gain back 10+ pounds. So perhaps that's my goal....stay under 200 until I get my mojo back....whenever that may be. I do think it'll be sooner rather than later.

And this post just took forever since I pretty much have to type with one hand. Don't expect another post for a while 😉