Welcome 2021!

 

I think the only other time I was this excited to see a year end was 2013. That was a very rough year for me personally and I was so ready to see how much better 2014 could be; since I didn't think it could really get much worse. 2014 definitely was better than 2013, but it still wasn't a wonderful year. I struggled all year with wanting to lose weight, but I was also still fighting my Crohn's battle. Things didn't really start looking up until 2015 when I finally got on Entyvio and my Crohn's went back into remission. 

Pretty sure this is 1997

I have been on a pretty good journey since then, but 2020 showed me that I never really addressed the real "problem". In May I will have been blogging for 9 years. And in those 9 years my weight has gone down, then up, then down, then down some more and back up. 9 years. And the scary thing is that when I started this blog I had already struggled with my weight for probably a good 15 years; so we're going on almost 25 years of trying to shrink my body to fit a societal standard that was never realistic for me. When I started my "weight loss journey" in 1997 I think I might have weighed 160 pounds. I talk all about this under my "Weight Loss Journey" page so I won't go through the details again. The point is, I have been dieting for almost 25 years and that number on the scale is higher than when I started dieting; but I am likely healthier now than I was back then. 

Health is about so much more than weight. But very few people actually care about that. We live in a society where thin = good and healthy and fat = bad and unhealthy. People think they're showing concern to a fat person by saying they think they should lose weight for their health so that they can live longer, etc. I call bullshit on that most of the time. Someone who is fat but works out consistently, eats nutritious foods, drinks a lot of water daily, gets adequate sleep, works to keep stress levels low, etc. will be told they are "promoting obesity" and that they should lose weight for their health. On the flip side; a thin person who smokes cigarettes, drinks frequently, eats a diet that consists of fast food, etc is praised for being able to eat that food and not gain weight. They are looked at as being so healthy simply because they have a certain physique and the number on the scale is where it is socially acceptable. 

Christmas Eve fun

I've decided I'm done with this. My journey has shifted and I am no longer focusing on intentionally losing weight. I am focusing on healing my relationship with food and doing things that make me feel my best regardless of what the scale says or what my body looks like. I touched on this in my last post from September 2020, and I would say I've come pretty far since then. In that post I was still trying to decide what I really wanted. I was still mourning the end of my weight loss journey. It sounds weird, but it's true. You have to mourn the fact that you may or may not ever get to where you wanted to get to. In all honesty, this journey has been way more difficult than when I was trying to lose weight. But, the outcome of this journey is going to be so much better than a smaller body or smaller number on the scale. This transformation is going to be something that people can't see. As hard as that might be to accept, I know that I'll be better for it in the end. 

So, this is the first January 1st in I don't even know how many years that I have no idea what I weigh. I have not stepped on the scale since November 1st and I don't plan to any time soon. The number that the scale shows me doesn't matter. That number doesn't make me healthy or unhealthy. My behaviors make me healthy or unhealthy. And can I also just add, if I choose to live a super unhealthy life that doesn't mean it makes it OK for people to treat me poorly. This journey has really been eye opening to me. I've realized my own fat phobia and biases about health. It is sad to me that I still feel like I need to justify how I am healthy because I don't look healthy to people. And, really, WTF does health look like? 

Ok, so I have been working on focusing on behaviors that make me feel good and honor my body for all that it does for me. Most of the things I'm doing are the same. I workout hard in the gym 3-4 days per week. I meet my friend or my mom to walk (or sometimes walk/run) the other 2-3 days in the week.  In 2020 I PR'd on lots of things at the gym: 255# deadlift, 155# squat, 110# clean, and 70# push jerk (there might be other things too, but these are the ones that stand out the most to me). I continue to be amazed at what my body can do. I also continue to try to drink a gallon of water every day. Some days are better than others but I definitely feel better when I drink that water. It's no longer about curbing my hunger though, it's simply about what feels good to me. I eat a variety of foods and don't restrict anything. 

Some amazing changes are already happening. I have not felt like I was "struggling" in several months. You can go back and read many blog posts about how even though the scale was going down I really felt like I was struggling with my food choices or feeling like I wanted to eat for no reason. I can't remember the last time I was frustrated because I felt like I wanted to eat for no reason. I'm trying to tune into when and why I want to eat and recently it really has been because I'm hungry. When I was still weighing myself, I had gotten to a point that my weight was basically staying the same since some time in August. Like I said, I stopped weighing myself in November AND, I continue to work to believe that what's happening with that number doesn't matter as much as my behaviors so it doesn't really matter what it says. 

My 2021 goals are going to look different than in years past; but I'm still going to have them. It's time for me to start thinking about what I want to get out of 2021. Until next time.......

And I definitely am still enjoying hard workouts with my amazing daughter