Have You Seen My MOJO??

Needless to say I have not yet found my mojo.

This might help. This was my view this morning for my run

In my last post I said I was going to force the issue and try to lose 5 pounds in the month of September. In that post I said my weigh in for September 1st was 196.2. My goal for Sept 29th was 191.2. By Sept 15th (week 2 weigh in) I was down to 193.8 so basically right on track to lose 4.8-5 lbs in the month. And that is where anything positive from September ends.

I can't tell you what happened. I don't know why I can't seem to get my butt back in gear. And frankly seeing that I really was on track for the first two weeks of the month annoys the crap out of me. The problem is, I didn't feel like I was on track at all. It was a constant mental struggle and I just ended up giving in.

And after taking the other pic I turn to see these guys.

Yesterday I decided to look back through my blog (this is why I love this blog) and re-read all my posts from April. I realized what I have been trying to do is be perfect. I've been wanting to get myself back on track so badly that I've been trying to have a perfect week. A week where at the end of the week I'm down 5+ pounds. I've done it before so I feel like I could easily do it again. The problem with this way of thinking is that when I'm not perfect I go to the other extreme. What I think I wasn't realizing is that a lot of those "successful weeks",  I rarely go into them thinking I have to be perfect. My mindset is what makes the difference in this journey. So yesterday I decided to switch up my mindset. I am going into this week with a goal of not being perfect, but getting back to being consistent. My goal is to track what I eat and move on. Eat what I want and attempt to make it fit into my calorie goal.

I didn't start April with the goal of losing 15 pounds that month. I started April hoping that by the time we left for our trip on May 26th I would have lost 12 pounds total. My goals for that first week in April were to track my food and stay within my allotted points - even if that meant using ALL my "extra" points. In the end, I didn't need that much freedom, but because I allowed myself to have that "freedom", I was successful.

I had been completely fine with maintaining my weight this summer. All of my clothes still fit and the scale wasn't drastically going up so I didn't stress about it. However, I eventually got to a point where even though my scale is showing that I'm still under 200 pounds, I don't feel as fit and lean as I did back in May. I'm only 6lbs heavier than I was in May, but it feels like more to me.

My beautiful daughter had her very first homecoming a few weeks ago and for the first time in a while I did not like the pictures of me. It's totally crazy because the jeans I'm wearing in that picture were hand me downs from my sister after she lost her weight and they are a size 12!!! That sweater (also from my sister) is a large. But I look at that picture and rather than seeing how far I've come, I see how far I still have to go.

2015-->2018

I even ended up doing a comparison pic to my heaviest because I was thinking I looked just as big. And what's even worse?? When I did the comparison pic I didn't see as many differences as I usually do. I don't see a 50lb difference between those photos. I quickly got back in my not good enough mindset. It's amazing how quickly that mindset comes back and inhibits my efforts. I think when I get into this mindset I become all or nothing because I'm trying so hard to be "good enough". So here's my reminder: I am good enough. I may not have lost any weight between May and now, but I have managed to maintain my weight within 6 pounds - and that's good enough. 

I continue to make baby steps in this weight loss journey and that is good enough. Baby steps. Every year since 2014 I have lost weight, gained a bunch (but not all) back and started the cycle over again. But I have never given up and if that isn't good enough I don't know what is! Every January since 2014 I have weighed less on Jan 1st than I did on the previous Jan. 1st. The change has not been drastic because at some point within the  year I gain back some of what I had lost throughout the year. The difference between 1/15 and 1/16 was 11.8 pounds. The difference between 1/16 and 1/17 was 2.4 pounds. The difference between 1/17 and 1/18 was 6.9 pounds. The difference between 1/18 and today is 25 pounds. I am bound and determined to make it even more of a difference come Jan 1st. All I can do is keep trying....and that's exactly what I intend to do!