So Much To Say

Usually when it's been this long between posts it means not so great things for me. It means that I once again have fallen off the wagon and am sick of posting the same old blog posts talking about how HARD it is.

My last post was June 17th when I was talking about good things with my weight loss journey and also annoyances with sizing for women's clothes. At the end of that post I was talking about the fact that I had reached a number on the scale that I hadn't seen since before 2013 and that I was only 2 pounds away from another decade.

Forget about how different I look...what the heck happened to my babies???

On July 16th I posted this comparison picture on Facebook. I did it because I am working on re-training my brain. I need to work on my self-esteem when it comes to how I SEE myself. I have a pretty good self-esteem when it comes to lots of things; just not with how I look.

I am so hard on myself all the time that eventually I just decide I must not be worth it. I don't think this was ever my conscious feeling; but clearly that is what has been happening over the last few years. There have been so many times when I've been losing weight and at some point I start to feel like it's not enough: not fast enough, not enough weight lost, etc. And obviously, this causes me to get frustrated and just give up completely. And yes, to be fair, I was quite sick between 2013 and 2015 and that was when I struggled the most with my weight. I had to fight every day just to function and had no energy left to fight with myself about what to eat (not to mention having the energy to actually exercise). BUT, it's not like I've only struggled with my weight since getting sick in 2013. I can acknowledge that as one reason why I've struggled so much over the last few years; but it's not the only reason.

2014 - Whole30 days 1 and 31

I am FINALLY feeling better with my health that I have the energy to fight the healthy living battle. It's amazing what you can do when you don't feel like you need to fight just to get through your day. I would say that I re-started this journey in Sept 2015. Yes, I took a hiatus from about December - March, but I never gained back all my weight so I am still seeing Sept at my "start date" for this time around. However, when I think about the amount of weight I've lost I naturally go to my highest weight I've ever recorded on April 22, 2014. That was the day I started the Whole30. Want to hear the really good news?? I have NEVER seen that number again! I lost over 16 pounds while I did the Whole30 and never gained it ALL back. This is actually pretty amazing for me. So, really, I started this journey on April 22, 2014.

Start date doesn't matter. The fact that I never give up is what matters. Every time I feel like I have given up I eventually realize I haven't because I get started again. I could go through old blog posts and count the number of times I said "this time will be different" or "this time IS different". So, I am not going to say that this time is different or will be different. What I am going to say is that for the first time in a long time (since probably 2011), I really feel like I might succeed this time. I am really feeling like I can keep this going indefinitely (which is what I need to do since maintaining is not any less of a battle than losing). Maybe what is helping is watching my mom go through her transformation of late. I know I mentioned it before, but she has lost somewhere around 50 pounds. It has probably taken her over a year to do it, but it feels like it happened over night (perhaps not to her).

So who cares if I still haven't lost all my weight by a certain date? And frankly, what does "all my weight" even mean? What arbitrary number am I trying to get to and why? Because some chart tells me that is what I "should" weigh? What I know is that I want to weigh less than I do now. I want to be able to run faster and farther. I want to be able to buy a women's cut shirt (even if it is an XL) and not have it be skin tight. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin when I do wear fitted clothes (which is frankly already happening).

October 2012 - Columbus Marathon

Today; in this moment, I am proud of myself. I am proud of every step I take each day towards reaching my goal. I am proud when I am able to find some balance and still indulge while continuing to lose weight. I am proud that I am able to see the many positive things that I am doing and that are happening with my body and mind. I realized today that the number on the scale this morning was pretty darn close to where I was when I crossed the finish line of my first full marathon! And, to touch on what I was talking about in my last post; I have hit a new decade and am almost halfway through this one to the next. As of getting on the scale this morning my weight is 34+ pounds lighter than it was on April 22, 2014 when I weighed my absolute heaviest. I am feeling positive and confident. I'll take it!