REALLY 2020???

 I don't even know where to start. And if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you know that means this one will be a LONG one ;) 

To say I've been struggling this year would be the understatement of the century. 

I have NOT handled this pandemic well at all and I seem to continue to just dig my hole deeper and deeper. 

Well then......

So back in February before everything went to shit, I was already struggling with my mentality regarding this journey of mine. I posted about how I was really wanting to work on my mindset and that I wanted to focus on fixing my not "good enough" complex. Mid-January I blogged about how I was going to try to start eating to just be as healthy as I "want to be in that moment" and no longer worry or stress about hitting a certain number on the scale by a certain date on the calendar. I basically wanted to work on not tracking my food but still doing what I needed to do to lose the weight. 

Then, less than a month later I blogged about how I need to stop worrying about what is "right or wrong" in how I go through my journey and just do what works best for me. I decided that I was back to tracking and trying to lose weight. We were 40 days away from our Disney trip.......and 31 days later everything changed. 

Saw these on a walk

This particular Disney trip was special for us because Mary turned 16 on March 1st and we were bringing her best friend with us. I remember walking with her mom the first week in March and she asked if I was concerned about this whole "coronavirus" thing that the news keeps talking about. I said that I really wasn't because Disney is already one of the cleanest places I've ever been and that we would take extra precautions, etc. I then said that our plan was that we were going to Disney unless they closed it.....famous last words, right?

I celebrated my birthday on March 11th and on March 12th we found out that Disney was closing and our trip was obviously canceled. It was more than just our vacation getting canceled. It was the total and complete uncertainty of everything going forward. Disney closing?? WHAT? Disney never closes. This must be serious and scary and crazy if it is making a place like Disney close! But, I couldn't even logically think of that. In the moment I was just so sad that our trip was canceled. 

The kids didn't have school on March 13th because it was already a planned day off (teacher work day or something like that). In the end that was a very good thing because we took Mary to take her drivers test and she passed! Poor girl got her license on that Friday and very quickly had nowhere to go. By some time that day we got the message that Monday would be their last day in school and they would basically get an extra week of Spring Break and then go to remote learning. By the end of the weekend we were told that the kids actually were NOT having school on Monday and that they would be able to come in to get whatever materials they needed. 

This was all just so crazy. I let myself wallow that first week because I was just really upset with the fact that our trip was canceled. Well, then the next week was actually Spring Break and we were supposed to be at Disney so my wallowing continued. The spiraling had begun. 

I can't even express the things that I was feeling during this time. I was only leaving the house once a week to go grocery shopping. I bought so many things that I wouldn't usually buy. Part of that was because things that I would usually buy weren't there; but a bigger part was that I think I felt like if the world is ending what the hell does it matter what I eat? Clearly, depression and anxiety were settling in. 

Amazingly enough I did keep working out. Living Lean was streaming workouts through zoom and I was still doing those 3 days a week. Not only that, but they let members come and "check out" some weights to use at home. But it wasn't the same. The workouts were plenty hard (frankly they felt harder half the time); but they were becoming something I "had" to do rather than something I really wanted to do. But I knew that if I stopped working out everything I was feeling would be even worse. Although, considering how bad I felt during this time I can't even imagine how much worse it could have been. 

So yeah, it was hard. I didn't handle it well. I numbed myself with alcohol a lot and if I wasn't drinking I was probably eating; and I was often doing both. So now I'm here. I've gained back everything I had lost since 2018. I'm still down from my highest weight, but I am not happy with where I'm at and I am not happy with myself for doing this again. And yet, I'm still struggling. 

But I think this is a good place to stop this post. I definitely have more to say (go figure); but I think it's better for a separate post.