Welcome 2021!

 

I think the only other time I was this excited to see a year end was 2013. That was a very rough year for me personally and I was so ready to see how much better 2014 could be; since I didn't think it could really get much worse. 2014 definitely was better than 2013, but it still wasn't a wonderful year. I struggled all year with wanting to lose weight, but I was also still fighting my Crohn's battle. Things didn't really start looking up until 2015 when I finally got on Entyvio and my Crohn's went back into remission. 

Pretty sure this is 1997

I have been on a pretty good journey since then, but 2020 showed me that I never really addressed the real "problem". In May I will have been blogging for 9 years. And in those 9 years my weight has gone down, then up, then down, then down some more and back up. 9 years. And the scary thing is that when I started this blog I had already struggled with my weight for probably a good 15 years; so we're going on almost 25 years of trying to shrink my body to fit a societal standard that was never realistic for me. When I started my "weight loss journey" in 1997 I think I might have weighed 160 pounds. I talk all about this under my "Weight Loss Journey" page so I won't go through the details again. The point is, I have been dieting for almost 25 years and that number on the scale is higher than when I started dieting; but I am likely healthier now than I was back then. 

Health is about so much more than weight. But very few people actually care about that. We live in a society where thin = good and healthy and fat = bad and unhealthy. People think they're showing concern to a fat person by saying they think they should lose weight for their health so that they can live longer, etc. I call bullshit on that most of the time. Someone who is fat but works out consistently, eats nutritious foods, drinks a lot of water daily, gets adequate sleep, works to keep stress levels low, etc. will be told they are "promoting obesity" and that they should lose weight for their health. On the flip side; a thin person who smokes cigarettes, drinks frequently, eats a diet that consists of fast food, etc is praised for being able to eat that food and not gain weight. They are looked at as being so healthy simply because they have a certain physique and the number on the scale is where it is socially acceptable. 

Christmas Eve fun

I've decided I'm done with this. My journey has shifted and I am no longer focusing on intentionally losing weight. I am focusing on healing my relationship with food and doing things that make me feel my best regardless of what the scale says or what my body looks like. I touched on this in my last post from September 2020, and I would say I've come pretty far since then. In that post I was still trying to decide what I really wanted. I was still mourning the end of my weight loss journey. It sounds weird, but it's true. You have to mourn the fact that you may or may not ever get to where you wanted to get to. In all honesty, this journey has been way more difficult than when I was trying to lose weight. But, the outcome of this journey is going to be so much better than a smaller body or smaller number on the scale. This transformation is going to be something that people can't see. As hard as that might be to accept, I know that I'll be better for it in the end. 

So, this is the first January 1st in I don't even know how many years that I have no idea what I weigh. I have not stepped on the scale since November 1st and I don't plan to any time soon. The number that the scale shows me doesn't matter. That number doesn't make me healthy or unhealthy. My behaviors make me healthy or unhealthy. And can I also just add, if I choose to live a super unhealthy life that doesn't mean it makes it OK for people to treat me poorly. This journey has really been eye opening to me. I've realized my own fat phobia and biases about health. It is sad to me that I still feel like I need to justify how I am healthy because I don't look healthy to people. And, really, WTF does health look like? 

Ok, so I have been working on focusing on behaviors that make me feel good and honor my body for all that it does for me. Most of the things I'm doing are the same. I workout hard in the gym 3-4 days per week. I meet my friend or my mom to walk (or sometimes walk/run) the other 2-3 days in the week.  In 2020 I PR'd on lots of things at the gym: 255# deadlift, 155# squat, 110# clean, and 70# push jerk (there might be other things too, but these are the ones that stand out the most to me). I continue to be amazed at what my body can do. I also continue to try to drink a gallon of water every day. Some days are better than others but I definitely feel better when I drink that water. It's no longer about curbing my hunger though, it's simply about what feels good to me. I eat a variety of foods and don't restrict anything. 

Some amazing changes are already happening. I have not felt like I was "struggling" in several months. You can go back and read many blog posts about how even though the scale was going down I really felt like I was struggling with my food choices or feeling like I wanted to eat for no reason. I can't remember the last time I was frustrated because I felt like I wanted to eat for no reason. I'm trying to tune into when and why I want to eat and recently it really has been because I'm hungry. When I was still weighing myself, I had gotten to a point that my weight was basically staying the same since some time in August. Like I said, I stopped weighing myself in November AND, I continue to work to believe that what's happening with that number doesn't matter as much as my behaviors so it doesn't really matter what it says. 

My 2021 goals are going to look different than in years past; but I'm still going to have them. It's time for me to start thinking about what I want to get out of 2021. Until next time.......

And I definitely am still enjoying hard workouts with my amazing daughter

What Now?

So here I am. Back to where I was when I started working out at Living Lean. But that's actually not at all true. The number on the scale is back to where it was when I started at Living Lean. But when I started at LL I can guarantee you that I was not lifting the amount of weight I am lifting now. I am so much stronger than I was 2.5 years ago and that means something. 

2019            vs.         2020.
There is a 30+ pound difference in these pics. But honestly, I don't see it and that's a good thing.  

You all know that throughout my entire journey I have struggled with feeling like what I'm doing is not "good enough". I have done so much soul searching over the last 6+ months that I feel like I am finally starting to get somewhere. I never felt good enough because that number on the scale wasn't where it's "supposed" to be. I didn't feel good enough because I never got down to a "small" size. I never felt good enough because my stomach was never (nor will it ever be) flat. The fact of the matter is that we live in an incredibly "fat-phobic" world. We live in world where people think they can LOOK at you and determine if you are healthy or not. They assume that if you're thin you are healthy and if you are fat you are not. So what I really wanted was to finally feel like I looked like I was "healthy". The problem with that is I was never going to reach that goal. If my goal was to actually BE as healthy as possible I was already there. 

Pic from April 2019

Like I said in my last post, I was already struggling before this stupid pandemic with my weight loss. Maybe the real issue was that I was really in a great place, but I was reaching for something that wasn't going to be attainable. I saw myself as not doing something right because I was up about 10-15 pounds from my lowest weight that I had hit in May 2019. What I didn't see, is that between the end of May and January 2020 I had basically maintained my weight. I felt great. My behaviors were healthy. I was working out 6 days a week. I was eating mostly healthy while living my best life. BUT, the thing that was missing was me realizing that where I was was good enough. I felt great. I was increasing my strength all the time in the gym. In May I had run my fastest 10k. But all I saw was that I still wasn't 150 pounds. I still couldn't even get back down to the 175 I had hit in early May, so therefore it wasn't enough. When you're feeling like what you're doing and have done isn't enough it gets tiring. 

Running my fastest 10k - May 2019

 These last 6 months have been spent with me really trying to figure out what I WANT in this life. The problem is, I honestly don't know what I truly want. There is a part of me that really just wants to LIVE. I want to accept myself and  my body and know that my worth is not equal to some number on the scale or what my body looks like. I just want to do the best that I can do. I don't want to have to overthink what and when I'm eating. I want to just listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and stop using food as anything else. 

And realize that I can still do amazing things

But then, I miss how I felt and (especially) what I looked like last year. But, I'm starting to realize that losing weight is never going to fix my own body image issues and it's not going to help my relationship with food. The only thing that is going to help that is for me to work on accepting myself wherever I am and realizing that what I want is to be as healthy as I can possibly be - and that means my MENTAL health as much as my physical health. Weight does not equal health. Now, I'm not saying that where I sit currently is healthy. It's not. But, I would say right now I'm not healthy because my mental health is not in a great place and therefore, my behaviors are not ones that support a healthy life. My health not being great right now has the LEAST to do with that number on the scale. And, it is possible that I can increase my healthy behaviors with little to no weight loss and that has got to be OK. If my only motivation to have healthy habits is to lose weight than what happens when my body stops losing? 

I've really been working on accepting myself as I am right now. I still go back and forth between what I really want to do, so sometimes I still track my food and sometimes I don't and just try to be more mindful about what I'm eating. I am working on not having wine every single weekend. Sometimes I feel like I'm making great strides. For example, in the first picture in this blog I honestly do not see a 30+ pound weight gain between those 2 pictures. And when Mary wanted to take pictures last night before our fancy dinner out to celebrate our anniversary; I didn't hate what I saw. Actually, I was able to look at the pictures and think they were really good pics. 

Right now this continues to be my main focus. Do I still want to lose weight? Yes. That's not going to go away over night. But, I am working to not care about what I weigh or what my body looks like. The focus needs to be taking care of myself so I can be the healthiest version of me. 

 

2019

Another new year. Another super LONG post 😂

It has been almost 7 years since I started this blog. I'm happy to say that I weigh less today than I did on the day I started this blog. In  years past I would talk about how unhappy I am about the fact that I'm still not at my "goal" weight. I'm not going to say that this year.

SO much has changed with my mindset in the last year that I am going to instead focus on how stoked I am about where I am at.

Towards the end of 2018 I was trying.....OK, I wasn't really trying at all....to stay under 200 pounds. I wanted to end 2018 with a loss in December, but apparently I didn't want it enough. I did well at the start of the month and by mid-December was down about 2 pounds from Dec. 1st. I wrote this blog post on Dec 19th about how I wasn't going to be mad about the fact that I wasn't going to lose weight in December. I talked about 3 goals for the remainder of the year: 1) No Garmin 2) No stressing over food (and eat mindfully) and 3) reflect on 2018.

I call this a success. Last year I gained 7 pounds in December and lost a total
of 8.2 lbs between 1/1/17 and 1/1/18. In 2018 I gained less in December
and lost a total of 22.3 lbs between 1/1/18 and 1/1/19.

I would say I mostly succeeded in those goals. I didn't stress over food and for a while I was able to eat mindfully. Even when I was over indulging I knew exactly what I was doing and I soon decided I was totally OK with it because I was VERY confident that THIS year I would get back on track right away.

You know that I talked about not wanting to see the scale go back above 200. For a while this was really bothering me. When the scale was creeping closer and closer and I wasn't changing my behavior I knew it was inevitable that the scale would go back above 200, if even for a second. At first I decided I wasn't going to get on the scale until today. I figured that would give me 3ish days to get back down under 200.

New Year's Day came and I wasn't going to get on that scale. I knew it was going to be above 200 because on 12/29 I was 198 and there was lots of eating and drinking on both the 30th and 31st. There have been many times that I could "gain" 2 pounds overnight with a night of drinking and eating. I got up late on New Year's Day and shortly after getting out of bed I decided to just get on the scale. Not only did I get on the scale but I didn't care. I didn't care what the number said. I didn't get mad or sad or beat myself up because I "failed". I simply looked at the number and moved on.

If you must know, the number was 201. The number this morning (the day I was going to wait until to weigh myself for my "official" 2019 starting weight) was 199.2. So. If I did what I had planned I would never have seen the scale go above 200. Would that have stopped it from happening? Obviously not. Perhaps avoiding the scale would have meant that it would still be above 200 today because perhaps I wouldn't have been as motivated to get back on track right away.

Christmas Day and I felt amazing!

What amazes me this year and has me so excited for 2019 is my different mindset. Remember when I talked about the fear last year in this post? This is one of the biggest changes I think I've made with my mindset. I used to actually fear seeing the scale go back above 200 because I feared how I would mentally respond to that. I feared it would mean the scale would start going in the opposite direction.

This fear has almost completely gone away and has been replaced with confidence! WHAT?? For right now at least, I no longer fear seeing that 200 on the scale because I am confident that it will go back down. Not only am I confident that it will go back down under 200, but I'm confident that in 2019 it will continue to go back down lower than it has been in over 12 years.

What has helped make this change? The fact that I have also come to the conclusion that I don't care if I hit my "goal" weight in 2019. I decided that I will be perfectly  happy to be writing my 2020 post and talking about how I'm "only" down another 20 pounds. I'm done with the only. Why do I feel like I need to lose all my weight in one year (or even 2) to be successful? That's bullshit. So it's been almost 5 years since my highest weight. So what? In the 4 years and 9 months since I recorded that highest weight I have lost 51.4 pounds (as of my weight this morning). That amounts to less than 12 pounds lost per year; but that's 12 pounds LOST per year for over 4 years in a row. I am no longer looking at that as being a failure. I am seeing it for what it is. Consistency. It may not always feel like consistency because throughout those years my weight has gone up and down; but in the end I weigh 51 pounds less today than I did on April 22, 2014 when I logged my highest weight ever.

Would I love to lose the rest of the weight I want to lose this year? Of course! But will I be mad when I don't? Not anymore and that is such an amazing mental shift that I can't even explain how happy it makes me. For maybe the 2nd time in my life I am starting the year with a level of excitement I can't even believe. The only other time was last year because I had high hopes for the Living Lean #NOEXCUSES Spring Break Challenge.

This post is long enough so stayed tuned for my next one where I talk more about why I am so excited for 2019!

Happy New Year everyone!

Is This Real Life?

Is it actually happening this time???

First things first; I've talked about Living Lean several times on the blog since I started going there in January. About a month ago they contacted me and asked if I would mind if they promoted my blog to their members. Seriously? Me? Of course I said YES! I mean, I blog for me, but I am  happy to have people read my inner most thoughts and feelings 😝But seriously, I was absolutely honored to be highlighted in their May newsletter. So, for anyone that might have seen my blog in that newsletter and decided to check me out; thanks! I hope you enjoy the ride!

Back to the task at hand. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like this can't possibly be real life right now. I can't believe that something has seemed to click in my brain and I am actually doing it. Yes, I still have a long way to go;  but not nearly as long as I had just 4 short months ago. Not as long as I had 6 years ago when I started this blog. And not even as long as 10 years ago!

Honestly, nothing really has changed since all those other times that I've tried. I am doing all the same things that I did back then; eating less and working out. So why is it working this time when it didn't in the past? Well, first of all, it did in the past; just not to the point that it appears to be working this time. It has everything to do with what's going on in my brain. I was texting with Pam the other day (one of the amazing trainers at Living Lean whom I love) and she texted "What I took away from your blog is that you are finally loving yourself and are making choices because you love yourself, not because you have to, but because you want to". Wow.

She's 100% correct. It's so sad to me, but this feeling is so unknown that it continues to amaze me every single day. I was talking to some people at Living Lean today and I was saying that I feel a little silly with all these super positive blog posts these days. I feel like I'm just bragging on myself and that it's kind of narcissistic. Maybe it is. But you know what? I don't care! I am beyond proud of myself. I don't think I realized how much I didn't like myself until I started really loving myself. I love that in all these years of struggling I never gave up. I love that I fought tooth and nail to get my Crohn's into remission and that I continue to listen to the cues my body gives me so I can continue to be the best me possible. I love (and don't take for granted) what my amazing body can do. I no longer hate anything about me. There are things that I still want to change or improve; but I don't hate them. And that, my friends, is huge.

Yesterday I took my daughter to get her haircut and my hairdresser was telling me how great I look and how she's so proud of me. I was loving every second of it because that is how I am feeling. There were some other ladies at the salon who did not know me or where I have come from. One of them asked if I had a before picture so I said sure! When we were in the car going home my daughter said something about me not wanting to show them my before pictures and I said no, I totally wanted to show them. I am now proud of those before pictures because it shows how far I have come. I'm still not a small girl so people might not understand why someone would be telling me how great I look. Show them my before picture and now they understand only slightly more about me. They still can't see the struggles and the years between that before picture and now. And, they can't see the transformation that is taking place inside my head; but they'll understand slightly more why where I am currently is such a big deal.

One last thing before I go. I decided yesterday I had to go shopping because the shorts I put on Wednesday were so big I could take them off without unbuttoning them! Then, yesterday I put on a pair of capris and they were falling halfway down my butt every time I walked. I decided to go to Old Navy because it's been a long time since I've been able to shop there. Since the shorts were an 18 but the capris were a 16 I decided to try on 14's. I thought, if they don't fit I just won't buy anything until they do (or I'll buy them and they will fit soon). Guys, the pants and shorts in these pics are a size 14!!!! And both those tops are a large! Seriously!?!?! Is this real life right now?? And, I wore the cropped pants to a school event last night and after wearing them for a few hours they have a little bit of room.....like I'm thinking they may not fit for that much longer. What?!?! Crazy and amazing. Needless to say, I bought both those tops and both those bottoms. And for the first time in a very long time I had so much fun trying on clothes.

IT HAS HAPPENED!!!!!!!

Day 17/55

Guys! It's been 7 YEARS in the making! Frankly it's been even more than that since the last time I saw a number less than 200 on the scale, it went back up pretty quickly. I haven't been under 200 consistently since before I had kids. In case you didn't already know, my kids are 14 and 11.5! That is going to change starting TODAY!

It's interesting because I have been SO focused on getting that number on the scale that I've actually been taking things one day at a time. Each morning I get up, get on the scale, make note of the fact that it's not 199 yet and decide that I'm going to stay ON POINT that day so I can hopefully see it the next day. I haven't thought about the fact that I've been ON POINT for 16 days in a row. I haven't thought about how many more days I have to stay on point in order to reach that goal. I haven't been looking forward or backward, but just focusing on the day because I know I'll weigh myself the next day and hopefully see that number. I have never had the scale work as such a motivator as right now. In 17 days the scale only annoyed me once and even then it was just a slight annoyance. I didn't let it derail me. It had actually gotten to a point where I was laughing when I got on the scale and it wasn't 199. Even this morning, as I'm getting on the scale I was telling myself it won't be 199 and that will be OK. And then it was 199.8 - such a pretty sight!

Of course the downside of this is that I'm fighting with myself today to "take a break" because I hit the goal I was looking to hit. Funny, isn't it? To be clear, it's not THAT big of a fight, but even the fact that I thought for a second that I'd celebrate with food today is slightly annoying. As I always say; I'm a work in progress. I have gotten better and I will only continue to get better.

Today I reminded myself that I set 3 goals for 30 days starting on April 2nd. Hitting 199 before the end of that 30 days is simply bonus. I really thought it would take pretty close to the whole 30 days to hit that goal. The original goals were to track every day, stay within my points, and stick to my exercise schedule for those 30 days. Today is day 17 so IF I were to choose to reward myself with food (I'm not going to) I would simply have to count it and make it fit in my goals for this week (which, if you recall, were to only use my weeklies and not have to dip into my fit points). What's so great about where I am mentally right now is that I don't NEED to reward myself with food today. I've been eating an ice cream bar every night. PSA - if you haven't tried Enlightened Ice Cream bars go buy some right now! They are SO good.  

And yesterday, when I wanted mac & cheese with a cut up jalapeno & cheddar brat that's what I had. It was 15 of my 23 points, but it was what I wanted so I tracked it and moved on. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; what I LOVE about Weight Watchers is the ability to find that balance. So why do I have to eat (something "bad") today simply because I hit a goal? I don't. And I won't. 

On to focusing on my next goal. If you recall my A goal for these 55 days was to weigh 195 (or less) by May 26th. Do you realize that if I keep going the way I've been going for the past 17 days, I could meet that goal in 30 days rather than 55?!?!?! I'm not sure if that will happen and I'm totally OK if it doesn't; but how incredibly awesome would it be if it did? SO AMAZING! 

And because I've been SO focused on getting to 199 I almost didn't even realize I am officially down 50 pounds from my highest ever weight (from April 2014 when we started the Whole30)! It's hard to look at those before pics (and admit how big I was), and I still have a long way to go; but I feel great about where I am and where I'm going. 

same outfit, same messy bedroom, very different me.

Unstoppable

Ever have one of those days???

The pic doesn't do it justice because it was
really about how I felt on the inside! 

No, I mean one of those days where you just FEEL GOOD?!?!

That was me today.

And it was AWESOME!

It's been a long time since I got dressed, looked at myself in the mirror, and felt good. I went as far to say (out loud to my husband); I look adorable today! 😆It felt so funny saying it out loud but it was what I was feeling so I decided to go with it.

Then, on the way to my workout this morning I blasted Sia's Unstoppable in my car. I made a post back in September 2015 when I had undergone my 5th Entyvio infusion and said that my mantra was "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten.


This year I feel like that has changed to Sia's "Unstoppable":

" I put my armor on, show you how strong I am

I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable

I'm a Porsche with no brakes

I'm invincible

Yeah, I win every single game

I'm so powerful

I don't need batteries to play

I'm so confident, yeah, I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today, unstoppable today

Unstoppable today, I'm unstoppable today"

I find myself putting that song on full blast on Sunday mornings when I'm on my way to meet my mom for our weekly long run. I sing it loud and proud to remind myself that no matter what, I am UNSTOPPABLE! I'm human. I make mistakes. I eat more than I should some times (lots of times). I gain weight back that I lost. BUT I NEVER GIVE UP. I NEVER STOP! 

3 years ago my "theme song" was Fight Song because I felt I had to fight so hard. I had to fight Crohn's to go back into remission. I had to fight just to function on a daily basis and I had to fight to make the "right" decisions with food and working out. It's still a fight; but a fight that has gotten slightly easier and that I keep fighting! 

This week has been awesome! My goal was to track all my food and stay within my points. That's it. No worries with how many weekly points or FitPoints I'm using as long as I'm tracking. I swap my weekly points first and as of right now I have 25/42 of those weeklies remaining. That means I still have all 45 of my FitPoints remaining as well (and I'll earn probably another 10+ FitPoints on Sunday). I have done SO well this week and feel SO good that I really don't foresee me using those FitPoints this week. I feel like the 25 weeklies I have left should be plenty to get me through the next 3 days. I mean, in 4 days I've used 17 weeklies; so 25 should be more than enough for 3 more days! We shall see what the weekend brings. 

GO TRIBE!!!

The Comparison Trap

By now you all probably already know that I won the "MOST IMPROVED" award for the #NOEXCUSES Spring Break Challenge. Our team didn't win the grand prize, but I was quite excited to have been recognized for this award.

Wednesday night I was feeling really good. I was proud of myself for what I accomplished in the 8 weeks and was feeling the love and support from everyone at the gym. I made my little speech about how I was hesitant to start working out at this gym because I didn't want to feel like the "fat girl" in the sea of skinny/fit people. Amazingly enough, in the now 9 weeks that I've been attending this gym, I have not once felt like the fat girl. I may have felt like the "new girl" from time to time, but I was/am so that's OK.

Then Leslie sent me the pic she took of me when I accepted my award and the very first thing I thought when I looked at the pic was, "Ugh, I am still so fat". WHY?? Why is that the first thing I saw? So then Thursday I struggled. I struggled with my horribly negative thoughts about how what I accomplished over those 8 weeks wasn't enough. I started comparing myself to the other people in the challenge. I was thinking - man, that person lost 14 pounds as well and they don't have nearly as much weight to lose as I do. Or, why can't I be "better", more disciplined, a harder worker, more dedicated to losing this weight as quickly as possible, etc.?!?!

ARGH! This is one of the most frustrating things that I do. This whole not good enough complex I seem to have is really annoying. I always seem to find myself comparing my experience to other peoples' and deciding that what they did was better. This thought process is so stupid and doesn't do anything but make it harder for me to stick to my goals.

My amazing coach and trainer - Pam! 

I am  happy to report that this week has gotten better since that dark day on Thursday. I did find myself eating my feelings on Thursday, but every time I put something in my mouth I tracked it. I had earned plenty of "fit points" to have wiggle room so in the end I didn't do any real damage. I tracked everything I ate and still have plenty of extra points to get me through this weekend. This is what I love most about WW. It wasn't great that I ate my feelings; but I did what I needed to do to keep it in check. I even decided to track my food that day into MyFitnessPal to see what it amounted to in calories. I ate 56 points that day (if you remember I'm "allowed" 23 in a day + fit points + 42 weekly points to use however I want. There are also lots of 0 point foods). Ok, so knowing that I ate a fair amount of 0 point foods (like eggs and turkey) I was curious to know how many calories I actually ingested on Thursday when I ate 4 girl scout cookies, salt & vinegar potato chips and a piece of the cinnamon sugar cheesecake bars I made last weekend. Turns out I didn't even hit 2000 calories that day. This actually helped me to 1) stop eating and 2) not feel so guilty about it. I had the points, I tracked everything I ate and I moved on. THAT'S the key people! And, the fact that I was counting points and not calories kept it very much so in control. There were plenty of times when counting calories that a "binge" day tracked would amount to more than 2500 calories. Heck, there were plenty of days that a day I didn't even binge would amount to 2500 calories.

I've had a rough week mentally, but I have kept my food spot on (because I've kept tracking and have stayed within my points). It doesn't matter what other peoples' journey's look like. This is MY journey and it will be what it is. We'll see what the scale says on Monday, but I have a good feeling about this week's weigh in!