Is This Real Life?

Is it actually happening this time???

First things first; I've talked about Living Lean several times on the blog since I started going there in January. About a month ago they contacted me and asked if I would mind if they promoted my blog to their members. Seriously? Me? Of course I said YES! I mean, I blog for me, but I am  happy to have people read my inner most thoughts and feelings 😝But seriously, I was absolutely honored to be highlighted in their May newsletter. So, for anyone that might have seen my blog in that newsletter and decided to check me out; thanks! I hope you enjoy the ride!

Back to the task at hand. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like this can't possibly be real life right now. I can't believe that something has seemed to click in my brain and I am actually doing it. Yes, I still have a long way to go;  but not nearly as long as I had just 4 short months ago. Not as long as I had 6 years ago when I started this blog. And not even as long as 10 years ago!

Honestly, nothing really has changed since all those other times that I've tried. I am doing all the same things that I did back then; eating less and working out. So why is it working this time when it didn't in the past? Well, first of all, it did in the past; just not to the point that it appears to be working this time. It has everything to do with what's going on in my brain. I was texting with Pam the other day (one of the amazing trainers at Living Lean whom I love) and she texted "What I took away from your blog is that you are finally loving yourself and are making choices because you love yourself, not because you have to, but because you want to". Wow.

She's 100% correct. It's so sad to me, but this feeling is so unknown that it continues to amaze me every single day. I was talking to some people at Living Lean today and I was saying that I feel a little silly with all these super positive blog posts these days. I feel like I'm just bragging on myself and that it's kind of narcissistic. Maybe it is. But you know what? I don't care! I am beyond proud of myself. I don't think I realized how much I didn't like myself until I started really loving myself. I love that in all these years of struggling I never gave up. I love that I fought tooth and nail to get my Crohn's into remission and that I continue to listen to the cues my body gives me so I can continue to be the best me possible. I love (and don't take for granted) what my amazing body can do. I no longer hate anything about me. There are things that I still want to change or improve; but I don't hate them. And that, my friends, is huge.

Yesterday I took my daughter to get her haircut and my hairdresser was telling me how great I look and how she's so proud of me. I was loving every second of it because that is how I am feeling. There were some other ladies at the salon who did not know me or where I have come from. One of them asked if I had a before picture so I said sure! When we were in the car going home my daughter said something about me not wanting to show them my before pictures and I said no, I totally wanted to show them. I am now proud of those before pictures because it shows how far I have come. I'm still not a small girl so people might not understand why someone would be telling me how great I look. Show them my before picture and now they understand only slightly more about me. They still can't see the struggles and the years between that before picture and now. And, they can't see the transformation that is taking place inside my head; but they'll understand slightly more why where I am currently is such a big deal.

One last thing before I go. I decided yesterday I had to go shopping because the shorts I put on Wednesday were so big I could take them off without unbuttoning them! Then, yesterday I put on a pair of capris and they were falling halfway down my butt every time I walked. I decided to go to Old Navy because it's been a long time since I've been able to shop there. Since the shorts were an 18 but the capris were a 16 I decided to try on 14's. I thought, if they don't fit I just won't buy anything until they do (or I'll buy them and they will fit soon). Guys, the pants and shorts in these pics are a size 14!!!! And both those tops are a large! Seriously!?!?! Is this real life right now?? And, I wore the cropped pants to a school event last night and after wearing them for a few hours they have a little bit of room.....like I'm thinking they may not fit for that much longer. What?!?! Crazy and amazing. Needless to say, I bought both those tops and both those bottoms. And for the first time in a very long time I had so much fun trying on clothes.

The Side Effect of SLOW Weight Loss

I feel like it's not fair calling it "slow" weight loss. I mean, the only reason my weight loss has been so slow is because I keep falling off the wagon for too long. I don't do what I need to do to lose the weight so either I gain some back or I maintain where I'm at.

Regardless, I'm discovering a certain side effect of this slow weight loss that I don't necessarily like. Sure there are good side effects like the fact that the slower it comes off the chances that it'll stay off increase. I'm not even sure how to explain the negative side effect I'm experiencing. What it actually is is just impatience, but I don't know if that encompasses it completely.

Here's what happened tonight and has frankly happened a few other times recently: I decided I wanted/needed a new Indian's tank-top to wear to workout tomorrow to celebrate opening day. OK, not a NEED, but I have actually wanted an Indian's tank-top for YEARS - especially those games that we go to in the summer when it's hotter than blazes. Anyway, so I go to Target and find a few choices and can't decide if I should get the XL or XXL. We are talking about the women's cut so we all know what that means (and if you don't you can check out this post where I talk all about it). I hate still having to buy an XXL in anything, but then I am less than excited to see that in some shirts I still need it.

size 16 jeans with a size LARGE sweatshirt
taken last week! 

I decide that I'm going to try them on to see which I like better. Then it happens. I grab the XL. I grab the XXL and another XL tank (an Ohio State one) and a pair of adorable Ohio State shorts. I'm thinking this outfit would be adorable for Disney in May when it's going to be HOT. As I'm walking to the dressing room I grab a pair of shorts "just to see" in a size 16. I look at all the adorable clothes I'm walking past and am dreaming of the time that I can go on that shopping spree to buy a bunch of new clothes because none of mine fit.

The thing is, I kind of feel like I should already have to do that. THIS is the negative side effect of slow weight loss. Sure, I'm about 45 pounds lighter than my absolute heaviest; but my absolute heaviest was 4 YEARS ago. I'm only about 10 pounds lighter than I was at this time last year. 10 pounds isn't going to make an enormous difference in clothes. And, I have yet to get to where I was (or less) in 2011 when I had previously lost 40 pounds.

There IS a big difference in my clothes from my highest weight to now. I mean, I was only about 5 pounds less than my highest weight when we went to Disney in 2015 and before we went I bought a bunch of clothes because I didn't have any that fit. Most of those were 20's or above! I even remember getting something that was a 22/24 because Lane Bryant did their sizing as 18/20 or 22/24 and what I really needed was a 20/22.

Today those size 16 shorts from Target went on and buttoned just fine. They fit. I didn't like them enough to buy them, but they fit. Part of the reason I didn't buy them was because I have 2 pairs of jean shorts at home from years past that now fit more than comfortably. They're even getting slightly big, but not too big that I can't wear them. I think this is what ends up frustrating me. I feel like I must not be making a big enough difference because I still have clothes I fit into. But what I'm not realizing is those shorts are somewhere around 7+ years old (because I bought them the last time I had lost a bunch of weight) and before last summer I hadn't worn them since about 6 years ago because they didn't fit. And frankly, one of the pairs was still a little too tight last year.

Ugh...but I still have that top; it just looks
like a completely different top now.

That's why I say it's impatience. I want so badly to have to go buy new clothes because that means I've made REAL progress; but, I still have  a lot of the clothes I bought back in 2011 when I had previously made real progress (down to about 197 lbs). It's going to be a while before I need to go out and buy a new wardrobe. That's good because I can work on putting aside money to use for that shopping spree. It's bad because I need to find my patience.

Another reason I think this drives me crazy is because I tend to think that I need to stop spending money on clothes that will (hopefully) not fit me next year. But again, this is stupid. If I need (or even want) something that fits me now there isn't any reason I shouldn't get it. Today I decided on the XXL tank. The XL fit OK, and when I lose 12+ pounds between now and when it'll actually be warm enough to wear a tank top (other than working out) that XL likely would have looked great; but the XXL looks great NOW and will just be slightly big (but not too big to wear) in another 15 pounds. Think about it; if I can wear a top today that I wore 35+ lbs ago, I can wear something I buy today for quite a while. And, if the top I buy today looks better than one I wore 35 lbs ago, then it's time to give that one away and replace with the one that fits better.

This is why I love posting those comparison photos. They really help me to see the differences that I may not see on a daily basis. And as much as I hate posting the before pics (like the one above); they definitely help me to feel better about myself currently!