ALL or Nothing

Are you ready for a raw, vulnerable, and super personal post? Hold on to your hats because this one should be interesting (and of course LONG).

All or nothing thinking is something that I have been trying to get away from for years. I have made a lot of improvement in this area, but it's time to make even more.

The biggest change I've made is with my activity level. My all or nothing thinking used to mean that I was either eating healthy AND exercising or I was not doing either of those things. Since joining Living Lean in 2018 I have worked out consistently for 2 years. In 2019 I worked out something like 291 times. It no longer matters what I'm doing with my nutrition. I workout because I LOVE to workout and that is the "easy" part for me.

I thought I was getting better with my all or nothing thinking when it comes to food, but I've come to realize that I'm really not. I thought I was getting better because I was getting pretty good at incorporating nutrient dense food with not so nutritious food while losing weight. BUT, what I'm coming to realize is that my all or nothing thinking has shifted to tracking. I am either tracking what I eat and staying in a reasonable calorie deficit (over the course of a week); or I'm not tracking and I'm eating like a total ass. There doesn't seem to be any in between these days.

I really need to start believing this. 

Not tracking automatically means eat and drink whatever I want or frankly, as much as I possibly can shove in my face because I'm going to go back to eating less......eventually. So even though I don't restrict myself when I track (other than keeping my calories in check), I FEEL like I do because I "shouldn't" be eating certain things. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

So I've been in a very weird mental place. On January 1st I blogged about the fact that I was in the best mental space I've been in in a while. It's January 16th and I feel like I'm back into the worst mental space. Amazing how that shift happens. Wow. I just re-read what I wrote and obviously it really wasn't true.

Here's what I said: "I am ready to get myself refocused. But not because I'm punishing myself or because I don't think where I am is good enough. I'm ready to re-focus because I want more for myself. I want to see what else I can accomplish. For the first time in a while it feels like this want for change is because I deserve it, not because I need it in order to be "better". And that is a huge mental shift."

But honestly....I was talking about getting down to 150 pounds. I want more for myself...to be 150 pounds. I want to see what I can accomplish .....can I really lose 100 pounds. And the whole not good enough thing?? Yeah, I may have said that I think where I am is good enough, but I didn't actually mean that. What I meant is it's good enough for now but not forever. 

OK. So on January 6th I decided that it was time to "get focused" and lose the weight I re-gained plus some more. And since that time my mental state has gone downhill rapidly. I very quickly got back into the not good enough mindset. The mindset that I had to get this weight off me as quickly as possible. I had a couple days of "perfect" tracking and I felt good about myself. But, as soon as I wasn't sure how to track something I felt guilty. The next day I ended up eating everything in my house. Coincidence? Not at all.

What I am coming to realize is that I am totally engulfed in weight loss...or more specifically....the number on the scale going down. Everything I do is with the hope and intention for the number on the scale to go down. And if what I am doing (or just did) won't result in the scale going down then I am failing. And if I'm failing anyway then what's the point?

Another thing I really need to embrace

I'm saying all this to say that I am going to shift my focus. I've probably said this before, but I don't think I've ever actually worked on it. I know I've said that I'm going to "work on my mind"; but what does that even mean? I'm starting to figure out what that means. I decided yesterday that I am no longer tracking. I am no longer going to focus on trying to eat X number of calories in a day or lose X number of pounds. Do I want to still lose some more weight? Sure. That isn't going to go away overnight. But, that is no longer my main focus. I know how to eat in order to lose weight. I track to justify that I'm doing it "right" or to give me permission to eat something that I feel like I shouldn't be eating. I have spent so much time either tracking and eating well or not tracking and eating crappy that I don't trust myself to eat well if I'm not tracking. I have actually been known to pass up the "healthier option" that actually looks really good to me when I'm not tracking because I don't want to "waste it". Wow. How stupid is that? Or, I'll choose something else because the healthy option is something I can get when I'm tracking so when I'm not tracking I should live it up as much as possible. Ugh. That is what needs to change.

I am going to focus now on just eating to be as healthy as I want to be in that moment; not to try to hit X weight or to stay within X calories. It's going to be a process and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to gain all my weight back. But, I'm not giving up. I'm not saying screw it. I'm just not

Dinner yesterday....yum!

obsessively tracking what I eat. My goals for the rest of my 75 day challenge remain mostly the same. I just changed the first goal from tracking to eating mindfully.
1) Eat mindfully
2) NO wine
3) workout 6 days per week
4) drink 96-128 oz of water every day

Yesterday I did not weigh or track a single thing I ate and it was amazing! I ate when I was actually hungry and in the end I ate 3 meals and 1 snack all day. My meals were healthy (healthy enough - just as healthy as I would have eaten if I were tracking). But, I found myself wanting to track it all at the end of the day because I knew it was a "good" day. I didn't. And in the end I felt great. I never felt deprived or mad or forced to make a decision I didn't really want to make. And I didn't eat more at the end of the day simply because I had calories left. I didn't know where my calories were so I just stopped eating for the day because I wasn't really hungry.

I have not yet decided if I'm going to continue to weigh in and report my loss/gain each week or if I'm really going to step back from focusing on the scale. I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet. One step at a time......

Week 1 Check In

I was definitely hoping for a more successful week 1, but I am going to focus on the positives rather than dwell on the negatives. 

Breakfast most of the week

This first week technically started last Friday, but I didn't actually start until Monday. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were spent eating (and drinking) whatever I wanted. On Monday I blogged about my goals for these next 75 days. It basically comes down to trying to hit 4 goals every day. 

1) TRACK my food

2) NO wine

3) Workout (6 days per week)

4) 96-128 oz water

Monday was a great start to the week. I hit all 4 goals and was feeling good. 

Tuesday was more of the same. I ate some more food, but still hit all 4 of my goals. 

Wednesday was good, but I ended up having to fight with myself.  After dinner (actually during dinner) on Wednesday the kids asked to go to Menchie's. Usually the answer would be no, but we had actually talked about it on Saturday and then never went. I decided to just go ahead and take them. I only had about 3 points remaining for the day, but I was also at less than 1100 calories on the day so I knew I had the room for frozen yogurt. I ended up getting whatever I wanted at Menchie's. I estimated it as 600 calories and 10 points for my trackers. BUT, I had to fight with myself over the guilt. Not necessarily the guilt over having it, but the guilt of not knowing if I'm tracking it correctly. But really, what does it matter? I ate it, I tracked it, I needed to move on. 

Lunch Thursday

Thursday - I didn't really worry about the fact that the scale went up a little this morning from yesterday since I ate all that ice cream. I really don't think the scale dictated my mood Thursday, but maybe it did. I was having one of those days where I was just not feeling great mentally. I was just feeling blah. I made it through the day until my husband called when he was almost home to tell me he hit a deer. He was OK (thank goodness), but the car that we just got in September was NOT. Really this isn't that big of a deal. He didn't get hurt. We have insurance to cover it; but it just sent me spiraling. All I wanted to do was run to the grocery store and get wine. I didn't. And because of that I am calling yesterday a win! 

However, I ended up eating everything in the house from after dinner to the time I went to bed. It was BAD people. Sometimes when I do this I go back the next day to try to track everything I ate, but I didn't even do that this morning. I'm completely just moving past it. So yesterday I didn't hit my track my food goal because I decided not to even try. And that's OK. I didn't drink wine and that is still a win in my book. Sometimes you can't do it all and that will always be OK. 

Week 1

So today I was having a hard time getting my head back where it needs to be. I got on the scale and was not at all surprised to see it go up (a LOT) from yesterday. I'm really not worried about it. It's not the scale that is bothering me right now. What's bothering me is how I feel mentally. But, I think that my body is seriously going through a detox because I really haven't been eating well for well over a month.  

Now I am just trying to focus on staying the course. I have 4 goals I want to hit every day. I need to simply focus on those goals each day and if I don't hit them (like yesterday), I need to just keep going. Today has been good so far. This weekend is going to be a challenge for me. I have been drinking wine every weekend for a while now so this weekend will be a rude awakening. The first weekend is always the hardest and then it gets easier. 

All that being said, I did hit another personal best in the gym today. I deadlifted 220#'s, which is pretty freaking insane. It's not all about that scale folks! I also took a picture this morning to remind myself of how far I have come and the fact that I will never give up. Regardless of what the scale said this morning or how I ate last night, I felt good in my clothes this morning so that's what I'm choosing to focus on now. 

Progress.....not perfection

75 Days

Day 1/75

There is something I like about making these short term goals for myself. Now granted, the only time I have ever actually succeeded in one of these "challenges" was when I posted 55 days before our 2018 Disney trip. 

Today's lunch/midday snack

Well....that's actually not true. I also wrote this post when I was 50 days away from the end of the Living Lean challenge last year. 

When I was 55 days away from Disney in 2018 I wanted to lose 12.8 pounds. I set short term goals to hit during those 55 days so that I could hopefully reach the number on the scale that I wanted to hit. If you recall, I hit that number and more actually! I ended up losing 12.4 pounds in 30/55 days and then lost another 3 pounds in the next 25 days. Perhaps the lesson there is that I actually set the bar too low. I didn't feel the need to continue to be as strict as I was being during those first 30 days because I had basically hit my goal. But, it felt amazing to actually reach a weight loss goal that I had set for myself.

Then, last year, I had 50 days remaining in the challenge and I wanted to lose another 10.8 pounds to reach my personal goal. Again, I set goals for myself to hit in those 50 days. They were very basic goals and came down to tracking my food (while staying in a pretty decent calorie deficit), maintaining my consistent workout schedule and get my water in. My attitude was that if I did those things and didn't hit the number on the scale at least I would know I did everything in my power to reach that goal. And again, by about day 49 I had dropped 11 pounds to reach my personal goal.

Dinner

During my 55 day Disney challenge I did not set the goal to track every day. I set that goal for the first 28 days, but then I gave myself a week of not tracking. During the 50 day challenge I set the goal to track every day and try to maintain an average daily calorie deficit of 700 calories. So basically to track and "stay within my calories". But, because some days I would have a huge calorie deficit I didn't even hold myself to staying within my calories every day because all I was looking at was the average deficit. What this meant though, was that I tracked my food every day for 50 days. As a result, I hit my number goal.

So, my first goal of 2020 is a 75 day challenge with myself. We leave for Disney in 75 days and I have a number goal I would like to hit by that trip. Of course I'm second guessing what number to actually pick because I'd really like to be successful again; BUT, I don't want to sell myself short (again). That's why I like my A goal and B goal mentality. I know for some people it gives them an "out", but for me it helps me to feel successful even when I don't reach the goal I really wanted to hit. It helps to remind me that even if I don't lose ALL the weight I wanted to lose, I am still better than where I was if I hit my B goal.

After dinner snack

If I use last Friday's weight as my starting weight, I will have 11 weigh in's before we leave for Disney. Based on that starting weight, I have 21.8 pounds I would like to lose before the Disney trip. That is no joke in 11 weeks, but I think it's doable. I have averaged over a 2lb/week loss before, but not for 11 weeks in a row! But, I think a lot of the time I end up averaging less because I'm content with the rate of weight loss (which is totally fine). So, perhaps if I set my goal that high it'll help keep me focused for the entire 11 weeks. And perhaps it won't and that's OK too. Ultimately I would like my B goal to be no less than 16.8 pounds because that will bring me back to where I was in May when the challenge ended and I had hit my goal. So yes, I gained back quite a bit of what I had lost last year, but I've moved on from that and I'm totally over it. I'm over it, but I want to re-lose it for sure!

Regardless of which goal I hit, I will absolutely weigh less for this Disney trip than I did for our last one so that will be something to be proud of no matter what happens in the next 75 days.

OK. So the goals for these next 75 days are:
1) TRACK my food every day
2) NO wine
3) Workout 6 days per week
4) 96-128 oz of water every day

I will be double tracking again with MFP (My Fitness Pal) and WW (Weight Watchers). My specific tracking goal will be to stay within my WW points the entire 75 days. To me that means ALL points allowed (daily, weekly AND fit points). Not all people use ALL their points, but I consider myself to be "on" program as long as I'm within all those points since that's why they're there. Now, if I use ALL my points every week the chances that I'll lose 21.8 pounds in 11 weeks is probably pretty slim. The number on the scale is the end goal that I'm hoping for; but the 4 goals listed above are the things that I can control. If I hit those 4 goals every day for 75 days I will have completed this challenge successfully regardless of what that scale says on March 20th.

Day 1 is done and I can check off each goal. I tracked my food today and ended the day at 20/23 points and 1222 calories. I had no wine. I worked out (LL and 10,000+ steps) and drank 128 oz of water.

2020

Well those 22 days certainly went by quickly!

I have very high hopes for 2020. I feel like I am only going to keep getting better at this life balance that I am trying so very hard to learn. Will I hit my goal weight in 2020? Probably not. Will I even figure out what my maintenance weight will be? Probably not. Do I care? No, not really.

Will I finally start believing in myself and knowing that the way I choose to live my life is perfectly fine? YES! That is what will happen for me in 2020. The weight loss that will happen this year (because, weight loss WILL happen this year), will simply be bonus.

I honestly feel like I'm in the best mental space I've been in in a while. I'm not feeling overly guilty over my re-gain from my lowest weight this year (it's hard not to notice it, but I'm working on the guilt factor). I find myself really able to focus on the positives.

For example, this is the least amount of weight I have gained in a December since I started keeping track of my monthly weigh-in's. 2017 I gained 7 pounds in December. 2018 it was 5.4. This year it was only 3.4. I may have re-gained more this year from my lowest than last year, but to keep my gaining in check during December is a HUGE win for me. And the fact that I gained less this month than I did in both May and June is crazy.

The other positive thing I'm able to see is the total downward trend that my weight has been on since 2014. There are peaks and valleys in there, but wow.....there is a lot of difference between that Jan 2014 weight and today's weight. 53.8 pounds to be exact.

Looking at those peaks and valleys above I do see that it is about time for this current peak to start moving into the next valley. And you know what? It will. It's that time. I am ready to get myself refocused. But not because I'm punishing myself or because I don't think where I am is good enough. I'm ready to re-focus because I want more for myself. I want to see what else I can accomplish. For the first time in a while it feels like this want for change is because I deserve it, not because I need it in order to be "better". And that is a huge mental shift.

So I'm going to think about some 2020 goals to set for myself and then I'll come back here to discuss.

22 Days......

Can you even believe we only have 22 days remaining in 2019???

It's also been 5 months since I blogged. Oops!

When I opened my blog up today I saw that I had started a post back in August about how old habits are SO hard to break. I was talking all about how I was continuing to struggle with my eating habits. That was August and not much has changed since then.

I have been doing a ton of soul searching this summer/fall and I have come to the conclusion that what I need to continue to work on is believing that the way I do this weight loss thing is "right". I continue to get sucked into the negative thoughts that tell me I am failing because I'm not losing weight month after month. And interestingly, when I feel like I'm failing, I have an even harder time getting myself back on track. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe I'm failing so then I make sure that happens. It's not a conscious thing, but clearly that's what is happening.

But you know what I tend to forget? What has changed from the past is that even when I feel like I'm failing, I never give up. I never get to a point where I even think about just "throwing in the towel" and trying to "just be happy being the fat girl". I totally used to tell myself that when I felt like I couldn't lose the weight. I'm not done and I frankly won't ever be "done". I think it's that thought process that has helped me make the changes I've made over the last 5 years; and it's that thought process I need to focus on.

I took this pic in Aug.
That measuring tape is showing where
my waist measurement was at my highest weight.

If I try to actually shift my thought process to truly believe that the way I've been losing weight is just fine, then those feelings of guilt when I gain back some weight will go away. And if that happens, perhaps I won't have quite so many months in a year where I gain. Or perhaps I'll gain less weight during those months. Or maybe nothing will change with my rate of weight loss, but I'll be happier through the process and that's what matters.

Whatever it is that I've been doing has helped me to start each year at a lower weight than the year before. I'm still on that trend. I will absolutely start 2020 lighter than I started 2019. It won't be by 22 pounds like it was last year, but who cares? Will I ever actually hit 100 pounds lost? I don't know. Maybe I won't. Or maybe it'll take me the next 5 years to lose the rest of the weight. What does it matter? It doesn't. Let me repeat this for myself: It does not matter how long it takes to reach 100 pounds lost. Better yet, I don't need to reach 100 pounds lost to consider myself successful. I am already successful. And every year that I weigh less than the year before is a win.

I took this pic last Friday to show myself that
it doesn't always matter what the scale says.
I may be up from my lowest this year, but
I wore this sweatshirt for the first time
Friday because prior to that it didn't fit. 

So, as we finish off 2019 I am going to continue to work on my mind. I also think I'm going to start blogging more. I tend to forget how much this blog helps me. I love going back and reading my posts. I re-read this one yesterday about calling it a lifestyle change. It helped to remind me that in May I was believing that this "lifestyle change" was the right one for me. Then why do I so quickly forget that and go back to being hard on myself? I don't know. But that is what I am working on changing now.

Well HELLO There

It has been a hot minute since I have blogged.

But it's now time for me to check in and get myself back on track.

I have had LOTS of fun in May and June and also threw my healthy eating out the window. Something that I am learning in my journey though is that IT'S OK. I do still get frustrated with myself because I find myself doing stupid things that I wish I wouldn't want to do. For example, I still get into that all or nothing mindset. The one thing that has changed though is that even when I get into my all or nothing thinking with my food choices, I continue to workout. In the past, that all or nothing thinking would also mean no real exercise happening. So the good news is that I have continued to workout 5-6 days a week. Both the kids have also decided to join me on various workouts this summer which is super fun.

We did a relatively small vacation in June when we went to Hersheypark for a few days. It was no Disney, but we had a good time.

If you go to Hershey you should definitely do the Trolley tour

The NSV's never get old when I do things like go to amusement parks. I never imagined that I would ever be someone who had to worry about fitting on a ride, but that was what I had become. It's amazing how different going to an amusement park is when you no longer have to worry about that. But, it's also interesting because I still have a level of anxiety wondering if I am, in fact, "small enough" to comfortably fit into rides.

Another NSV that happened for the first time last year when we went to Disney, was the fact that I didn't mind being in all the pictures that Mary wanted to take. With things like Snapchat, teenagers are constantly taking pics and sending them to their friends. I not only love the fact that my teenage daughter wants me to be in these pics, but I love that I truly want to be in the pics with her.

Of course there is the part of me that beats myself up for gaining back 10lbs over the last couple months; but the positive side of me tends to win this argument. Yes, of course it's annoying that I let myself gain back 10lbs from the lowest that I hit on May 5th. But once again I picked a number that was my aha number. The number that when I see the scale get there means I need to stop the stupidity and get back on track (and that number was considerably less than my old aha number). The scale is there now and as of yesterday I decided I need to get back to it to lose these 10 pounds and to keep going. I still have at least 25 pounds I want to lose (from that lowest weight); so it's not like when I re-lose these 10 pounds that I'll be back to my goal weight.

Last summer I lost and re-gained the same few pounds. I continued on that trend through the end of the year. By January 1st I had re-gained about 11 pounds from the lowest weight I had hit in 2018. One of my biggest goals for this year was to actually continue to lose weight during the 2nd part of the year. For the last couple years I do really well from January til May and then basically maintain my weight until the end of the year when I pack on those lovely holiday pounds.

I have no doubt I will continue to gain weight the last couple weeks of every year because I just don't see my behavior changing (I mean, it hasn't yet). I'm OK with that. I hope that I can continue to make small changes to my behavior so that I gain less weight, but I know I'll be heavier January 1st than I was December 1st pretty much every year and I'm OK with that. However, what I would like to accomplish this year is that the weight on January 1st is still at least less than what my weight was on May 5th.

Ok, so that means I need to lose the 10 pounds I've already re-gained from that lowest weight and then work on losing a fair amount more (lets say at least another 10-15 pounds) so that at WORST CASE SCENARIO I weigh a few pounds less on Jan 1st than I did on May 5th.

January 1st 2017 my weight was 13.8 pounds above the lowest weight I had hit during 2016 (which I hit in July).

January 1st 2018 my weight was 13.3 pounds above the lowest weight I had hit during 2017 (which I had hit in May).

January 1st 2019 my weight was 11.2 pounds above the lowest weight I had hit during 2018 (Which I had hit in November, but from May to November I had lost about 1 pound - so really I had hit that low weight also in May).

I've gotten better with how much I gain back,  but I want to get even better this year. Not only that, but I'd like my lowest weight of the year to be closer to the end of the year than May (or even July). I'd love to be able to say my lowest weight of the year was some time in December.

I gained weight both May and June and I would like that to stop now. I suppose the good news is that it took me 2 months to gain what I lost in 1 month (April) so that's something. But, the goal now is to re-lose that weight and continue on with losing more so I can hit a new low weight some time during the last 6 months of this year. I'm not going to stress myself with trying to lose all this re-gained weight in one month. I just need to get back to being more consistent and stop with the all or nothing thinking. I have plenty of room in my diet to eat less than  healthy things and still lose weight. I need to once again find that happy medium. I'll find it. I know I will. One thing I have learned is that eventually I figure it out and more weight comes off. Perhaps I'll blogging more through this 2nd half of the year hoping that it keeps me on track. Only time will tell, but I do know this; I will NOT gain back all the weight that I lost. I will keep fighting the fight and doing what I can to eventually get to where I want to be.

Blossom Time Run 2019

I have lived within 30 minutes (or less) of Chagrin Falls my entire life (well, aside from when I was away at college); and I have never done the Blossom Time Run. I have heard horror stories about how hard this course is and since it's always on Memorial Day weekend and a late start (9AM), I've never really been tempted. I usually have some other excuse like being on vacation or something, but this year, I decided, would be the year to try it.

Living Lean always participates in Blossom Time weekend by spectating for the race (and several members participate in the race) and then being part of the parade as well. I wasn't able to join in on the fun last year because we were at Disney, but I was excited to do it this year. A bunch of us met at Mark's house in the morning and the people doing the race walked to the start in time for the 9 AM start. 

The race is 5.25 miles long and the course is as brutal as everyone says it is. I was hoping the rain might hold off, but about 3 minutes after the race started the rain started......and it didn't stop until the race was done. The rain didn't really bother me because it definitely helped with what could have been a horribly hot and sticky race. I decided to set my watch for 3/30 intervals (so 3 min run, 30 sec walk). I figured since I rarely used my entire minute walk breaks during the 10k last weekend that I'd be OK. There were a couple of times that I actually ran through my walk break because it was a much coveted downhill and I didn't want to waste walking then! I did walk for a little longer than my 30 second walk break a couple of times because the hills were definitely killer by the end. 

It was so fun to run past all the Living Leaners right around the 5 mile mark. I knew I was almost done and they gave me that last boost I needed. I was also quite happy because according to my Garmin I was going to finish this race with an average pace that was UNDER a 12 minute/mile!! I was right. I crossed the finish line at 1:01:23, which amounts to a 11:42 m/m! WHAT?!?! Even though it was raining the weather was better than last week, but it was definitely hillier than last week so the fact that I was that much faster made me so very happy! 

I love this picture that Leslie caught of me. After the race I walked back to Mark's house and met up with the other Living Leaners who had either spectated or raced. I was obviously happy to be done and was proud of myself for what I had accomplished. I was soaked,  but felt really good! 

Later that day I got to be on the float for the parade and had a blast doing that as well. It rained again during the parade, but it didn't take anything away from the experience. I definitely look forward to doing it again next year.....and of course you know I'll be looking for a new PR on that course!