Welcome 2021!

 

I think the only other time I was this excited to see a year end was 2013. That was a very rough year for me personally and I was so ready to see how much better 2014 could be; since I didn't think it could really get much worse. 2014 definitely was better than 2013, but it still wasn't a wonderful year. I struggled all year with wanting to lose weight, but I was also still fighting my Crohn's battle. Things didn't really start looking up until 2015 when I finally got on Entyvio and my Crohn's went back into remission. 

Pretty sure this is 1997

I have been on a pretty good journey since then, but 2020 showed me that I never really addressed the real "problem". In May I will have been blogging for 9 years. And in those 9 years my weight has gone down, then up, then down, then down some more and back up. 9 years. And the scary thing is that when I started this blog I had already struggled with my weight for probably a good 15 years; so we're going on almost 25 years of trying to shrink my body to fit a societal standard that was never realistic for me. When I started my "weight loss journey" in 1997 I think I might have weighed 160 pounds. I talk all about this under my "Weight Loss Journey" page so I won't go through the details again. The point is, I have been dieting for almost 25 years and that number on the scale is higher than when I started dieting; but I am likely healthier now than I was back then. 

Health is about so much more than weight. But very few people actually care about that. We live in a society where thin = good and healthy and fat = bad and unhealthy. People think they're showing concern to a fat person by saying they think they should lose weight for their health so that they can live longer, etc. I call bullshit on that most of the time. Someone who is fat but works out consistently, eats nutritious foods, drinks a lot of water daily, gets adequate sleep, works to keep stress levels low, etc. will be told they are "promoting obesity" and that they should lose weight for their health. On the flip side; a thin person who smokes cigarettes, drinks frequently, eats a diet that consists of fast food, etc is praised for being able to eat that food and not gain weight. They are looked at as being so healthy simply because they have a certain physique and the number on the scale is where it is socially acceptable. 

Christmas Eve fun

I've decided I'm done with this. My journey has shifted and I am no longer focusing on intentionally losing weight. I am focusing on healing my relationship with food and doing things that make me feel my best regardless of what the scale says or what my body looks like. I touched on this in my last post from September 2020, and I would say I've come pretty far since then. In that post I was still trying to decide what I really wanted. I was still mourning the end of my weight loss journey. It sounds weird, but it's true. You have to mourn the fact that you may or may not ever get to where you wanted to get to. In all honesty, this journey has been way more difficult than when I was trying to lose weight. But, the outcome of this journey is going to be so much better than a smaller body or smaller number on the scale. This transformation is going to be something that people can't see. As hard as that might be to accept, I know that I'll be better for it in the end. 

So, this is the first January 1st in I don't even know how many years that I have no idea what I weigh. I have not stepped on the scale since November 1st and I don't plan to any time soon. The number that the scale shows me doesn't matter. That number doesn't make me healthy or unhealthy. My behaviors make me healthy or unhealthy. And can I also just add, if I choose to live a super unhealthy life that doesn't mean it makes it OK for people to treat me poorly. This journey has really been eye opening to me. I've realized my own fat phobia and biases about health. It is sad to me that I still feel like I need to justify how I am healthy because I don't look healthy to people. And, really, WTF does health look like? 

Ok, so I have been working on focusing on behaviors that make me feel good and honor my body for all that it does for me. Most of the things I'm doing are the same. I workout hard in the gym 3-4 days per week. I meet my friend or my mom to walk (or sometimes walk/run) the other 2-3 days in the week.  In 2020 I PR'd on lots of things at the gym: 255# deadlift, 155# squat, 110# clean, and 70# push jerk (there might be other things too, but these are the ones that stand out the most to me). I continue to be amazed at what my body can do. I also continue to try to drink a gallon of water every day. Some days are better than others but I definitely feel better when I drink that water. It's no longer about curbing my hunger though, it's simply about what feels good to me. I eat a variety of foods and don't restrict anything. 

Some amazing changes are already happening. I have not felt like I was "struggling" in several months. You can go back and read many blog posts about how even though the scale was going down I really felt like I was struggling with my food choices or feeling like I wanted to eat for no reason. I can't remember the last time I was frustrated because I felt like I wanted to eat for no reason. I'm trying to tune into when and why I want to eat and recently it really has been because I'm hungry. When I was still weighing myself, I had gotten to a point that my weight was basically staying the same since some time in August. Like I said, I stopped weighing myself in November AND, I continue to work to believe that what's happening with that number doesn't matter as much as my behaviors so it doesn't really matter what it says. 

My 2021 goals are going to look different than in years past; but I'm still going to have them. It's time for me to start thinking about what I want to get out of 2021. Until next time.......

And I definitely am still enjoying hard workouts with my amazing daughter

What Now?

So here I am. Back to where I was when I started working out at Living Lean. But that's actually not at all true. The number on the scale is back to where it was when I started at Living Lean. But when I started at LL I can guarantee you that I was not lifting the amount of weight I am lifting now. I am so much stronger than I was 2.5 years ago and that means something. 

2019            vs.         2020.
There is a 30+ pound difference in these pics. But honestly, I don't see it and that's a good thing.  

You all know that throughout my entire journey I have struggled with feeling like what I'm doing is not "good enough". I have done so much soul searching over the last 6+ months that I feel like I am finally starting to get somewhere. I never felt good enough because that number on the scale wasn't where it's "supposed" to be. I didn't feel good enough because I never got down to a "small" size. I never felt good enough because my stomach was never (nor will it ever be) flat. The fact of the matter is that we live in an incredibly "fat-phobic" world. We live in world where people think they can LOOK at you and determine if you are healthy or not. They assume that if you're thin you are healthy and if you are fat you are not. So what I really wanted was to finally feel like I looked like I was "healthy". The problem with that is I was never going to reach that goal. If my goal was to actually BE as healthy as possible I was already there. 

Pic from April 2019

Like I said in my last post, I was already struggling before this stupid pandemic with my weight loss. Maybe the real issue was that I was really in a great place, but I was reaching for something that wasn't going to be attainable. I saw myself as not doing something right because I was up about 10-15 pounds from my lowest weight that I had hit in May 2019. What I didn't see, is that between the end of May and January 2020 I had basically maintained my weight. I felt great. My behaviors were healthy. I was working out 6 days a week. I was eating mostly healthy while living my best life. BUT, the thing that was missing was me realizing that where I was was good enough. I felt great. I was increasing my strength all the time in the gym. In May I had run my fastest 10k. But all I saw was that I still wasn't 150 pounds. I still couldn't even get back down to the 175 I had hit in early May, so therefore it wasn't enough. When you're feeling like what you're doing and have done isn't enough it gets tiring. 

Running my fastest 10k - May 2019

 These last 6 months have been spent with me really trying to figure out what I WANT in this life. The problem is, I honestly don't know what I truly want. There is a part of me that really just wants to LIVE. I want to accept myself and  my body and know that my worth is not equal to some number on the scale or what my body looks like. I just want to do the best that I can do. I don't want to have to overthink what and when I'm eating. I want to just listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and stop using food as anything else. 

And realize that I can still do amazing things

But then, I miss how I felt and (especially) what I looked like last year. But, I'm starting to realize that losing weight is never going to fix my own body image issues and it's not going to help my relationship with food. The only thing that is going to help that is for me to work on accepting myself wherever I am and realizing that what I want is to be as healthy as I can possibly be - and that means my MENTAL health as much as my physical health. Weight does not equal health. Now, I'm not saying that where I sit currently is healthy. It's not. But, I would say right now I'm not healthy because my mental health is not in a great place and therefore, my behaviors are not ones that support a healthy life. My health not being great right now has the LEAST to do with that number on the scale. And, it is possible that I can increase my healthy behaviors with little to no weight loss and that has got to be OK. If my only motivation to have healthy habits is to lose weight than what happens when my body stops losing? 

I've really been working on accepting myself as I am right now. I still go back and forth between what I really want to do, so sometimes I still track my food and sometimes I don't and just try to be more mindful about what I'm eating. I am working on not having wine every single weekend. Sometimes I feel like I'm making great strides. For example, in the first picture in this blog I honestly do not see a 30+ pound weight gain between those 2 pictures. And when Mary wanted to take pictures last night before our fancy dinner out to celebrate our anniversary; I didn't hate what I saw. Actually, I was able to look at the pictures and think they were really good pics. 

Right now this continues to be my main focus. Do I still want to lose weight? Yes. That's not going to go away over night. But, I am working to not care about what I weigh or what my body looks like. The focus needs to be taking care of myself so I can be the healthiest version of me. 

 

REALLY 2020???

 I don't even know where to start. And if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you know that means this one will be a LONG one ;) 

To say I've been struggling this year would be the understatement of the century. 

I have NOT handled this pandemic well at all and I seem to continue to just dig my hole deeper and deeper. 

Well then......

So back in February before everything went to shit, I was already struggling with my mentality regarding this journey of mine. I posted about how I was really wanting to work on my mindset and that I wanted to focus on fixing my not "good enough" complex. Mid-January I blogged about how I was going to try to start eating to just be as healthy as I "want to be in that moment" and no longer worry or stress about hitting a certain number on the scale by a certain date on the calendar. I basically wanted to work on not tracking my food but still doing what I needed to do to lose the weight. 

Then, less than a month later I blogged about how I need to stop worrying about what is "right or wrong" in how I go through my journey and just do what works best for me. I decided that I was back to tracking and trying to lose weight. We were 40 days away from our Disney trip.......and 31 days later everything changed. 

Saw these on a walk

This particular Disney trip was special for us because Mary turned 16 on March 1st and we were bringing her best friend with us. I remember walking with her mom the first week in March and she asked if I was concerned about this whole "coronavirus" thing that the news keeps talking about. I said that I really wasn't because Disney is already one of the cleanest places I've ever been and that we would take extra precautions, etc. I then said that our plan was that we were going to Disney unless they closed it.....famous last words, right?

I celebrated my birthday on March 11th and on March 12th we found out that Disney was closing and our trip was obviously canceled. It was more than just our vacation getting canceled. It was the total and complete uncertainty of everything going forward. Disney closing?? WHAT? Disney never closes. This must be serious and scary and crazy if it is making a place like Disney close! But, I couldn't even logically think of that. In the moment I was just so sad that our trip was canceled. 

The kids didn't have school on March 13th because it was already a planned day off (teacher work day or something like that). In the end that was a very good thing because we took Mary to take her drivers test and she passed! Poor girl got her license on that Friday and very quickly had nowhere to go. By some time that day we got the message that Monday would be their last day in school and they would basically get an extra week of Spring Break and then go to remote learning. By the end of the weekend we were told that the kids actually were NOT having school on Monday and that they would be able to come in to get whatever materials they needed. 

This was all just so crazy. I let myself wallow that first week because I was just really upset with the fact that our trip was canceled. Well, then the next week was actually Spring Break and we were supposed to be at Disney so my wallowing continued. The spiraling had begun. 

I can't even express the things that I was feeling during this time. I was only leaving the house once a week to go grocery shopping. I bought so many things that I wouldn't usually buy. Part of that was because things that I would usually buy weren't there; but a bigger part was that I think I felt like if the world is ending what the hell does it matter what I eat? Clearly, depression and anxiety were settling in. 

Amazingly enough I did keep working out. Living Lean was streaming workouts through zoom and I was still doing those 3 days a week. Not only that, but they let members come and "check out" some weights to use at home. But it wasn't the same. The workouts were plenty hard (frankly they felt harder half the time); but they were becoming something I "had" to do rather than something I really wanted to do. But I knew that if I stopped working out everything I was feeling would be even worse. Although, considering how bad I felt during this time I can't even imagine how much worse it could have been. 

So yeah, it was hard. I didn't handle it well. I numbed myself with alcohol a lot and if I wasn't drinking I was probably eating; and I was often doing both. So now I'm here. I've gained back everything I had lost since 2018. I'm still down from my highest weight, but I am not happy with where I'm at and I am not happy with myself for doing this again. And yet, I'm still struggling. 

But I think this is a good place to stop this post. I definitely have more to say (go figure); but I think it's better for a separate post. 

Stay in Your OWN Lane

You do you

To each their own

Agree to disagree

Are there more sayings like this that I'm missing? The point is; there is no one "right" way to do things. I am finding myself getting bogged down in still trying to find the right way to go through my journey. But the thing is; it's just that: MY journey. 

Why am I continuing to doubt myself? Why am I continuing to try to find a way to eat whatever and still lose weight? Why don't I just believe that it's OK that in order for me to be actively losing weight I need the crutch of tracking my food?

There is so much information out there on "diet culture" and people who are against dieting. Honestly, I am starting to really drive myself crazy with all of this. I think the thing is is that I actually fall in between both of these schools of thought. But, what happens is I start to read things on not dieting and think a) wow, wouldn't it be great if I could eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight? and b) what I am doing must be wrong. It's not normal. It's disordered eating to track my food and to want to lose weight. But is it really? Yes, if you're someone who is eating 800 calories a day and exercising like crazy to hit a certain number on the scale, that probably isn't the healthiest of all things to do to your body. However, if I'm eating 1400-1800+ calories, not having any foods be "off limits", but just tracking to make sure I stay in a certain calorie range, how is that bad?

I tried. I tried for 3 weeks (yes, only 3 weeks) to not track and just eat whatever I wanted and not worry about it. The problem is, I was still worrying about it because the truth of the matter is I still want to lose more weight. I also wasn't making the healthy choices that I know would help me reach my goals. I used the excuse of nothing is off limits to justify it. I tried having things in my house so that they would be less tempting, but I still ate way more of them than I needed to. I don't know why I can't seem to just eat the way I did today when I'm not writing down my food; but that's just the way it is. I am sure there will come a time when I won't feel the need to track my food as much. Or a time when I get away from the mindset that if I'm not tracking that means I get to eat everything. I was there before so I'm pretty positive I'll get there again. I'm just not there right now.

I'm actually OK with this January weight gain; BUT, I'm ready
for it to start going in the opposite direction again

I'm not at a place where I'm willing to take the time, effort and potential weight gain to deal with my "food issues". And frankly, I don't actually think my food issues are all that bad when it comes down to it. I don't freak out if I'm going to a birthday party and there's going to be cake there. If I want the cake I eat it and move on. I may track it and eat a little less the rest of the day to make it fit; or maybe I'll track it and just go over my calories that day; or perhaps I even won't track it and take a day to just not worry about it. All these things are ways that I've handled food situations in the last few years of my journey. I don't think there's anything wrong with any of these things; but you can find someone who will tell you saving calories for a treat is wrong, or that you should just skip the cake because you're trying to lose weight. 

What I am willing to take the time and effort on right now is continuing my weight loss journey while working on my brain to believe that the way I am doing this is just fine; that there is nothing wrong or unhealthy about tracking my food so that I know I'm in a calorie deficit. That, as long as I don't become obsessive about it (which I only seem to do when I feel like what I'm doing is wrong), it's all good.

So I'm back to tracking and trying to lose weight. We are down to 40 days until Disney (ummmm...yay!!!). I would like to lose 10 pounds before we go, but one change that I am actually making is that I don't necessarily care if I hit that goal or not. Right now I just want to get back to tracking my food and staying in my calorie range most of the time. I don't want the scale to dictate whether or not I feel like I'm doing it "right". I've tracked and have enough data to prove that if I am tracking and staying in my calorie range most of the time I will absolutely lose weight. Last year I lost just under 28 pounds in 16 weeks when I was tracking my food and mostly staying in my calorie range. That's it.

ALL or Nothing

Are you ready for a raw, vulnerable, and super personal post? Hold on to your hats because this one should be interesting (and of course LONG).

All or nothing thinking is something that I have been trying to get away from for years. I have made a lot of improvement in this area, but it's time to make even more.

The biggest change I've made is with my activity level. My all or nothing thinking used to mean that I was either eating healthy AND exercising or I was not doing either of those things. Since joining Living Lean in 2018 I have worked out consistently for 2 years. In 2019 I worked out something like 291 times. It no longer matters what I'm doing with my nutrition. I workout because I LOVE to workout and that is the "easy" part for me.

I thought I was getting better with my all or nothing thinking when it comes to food, but I've come to realize that I'm really not. I thought I was getting better because I was getting pretty good at incorporating nutrient dense food with not so nutritious food while losing weight. BUT, what I'm coming to realize is that my all or nothing thinking has shifted to tracking. I am either tracking what I eat and staying in a reasonable calorie deficit (over the course of a week); or I'm not tracking and I'm eating like a total ass. There doesn't seem to be any in between these days.

I really need to start believing this. 

Not tracking automatically means eat and drink whatever I want or frankly, as much as I possibly can shove in my face because I'm going to go back to eating less......eventually. So even though I don't restrict myself when I track (other than keeping my calories in check), I FEEL like I do because I "shouldn't" be eating certain things. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

So I've been in a very weird mental place. On January 1st I blogged about the fact that I was in the best mental space I've been in in a while. It's January 16th and I feel like I'm back into the worst mental space. Amazing how that shift happens. Wow. I just re-read what I wrote and obviously it really wasn't true.

Here's what I said: "I am ready to get myself refocused. But not because I'm punishing myself or because I don't think where I am is good enough. I'm ready to re-focus because I want more for myself. I want to see what else I can accomplish. For the first time in a while it feels like this want for change is because I deserve it, not because I need it in order to be "better". And that is a huge mental shift."

But honestly....I was talking about getting down to 150 pounds. I want more for myself...to be 150 pounds. I want to see what I can accomplish .....can I really lose 100 pounds. And the whole not good enough thing?? Yeah, I may have said that I think where I am is good enough, but I didn't actually mean that. What I meant is it's good enough for now but not forever. 

OK. So on January 6th I decided that it was time to "get focused" and lose the weight I re-gained plus some more. And since that time my mental state has gone downhill rapidly. I very quickly got back into the not good enough mindset. The mindset that I had to get this weight off me as quickly as possible. I had a couple days of "perfect" tracking and I felt good about myself. But, as soon as I wasn't sure how to track something I felt guilty. The next day I ended up eating everything in my house. Coincidence? Not at all.

What I am coming to realize is that I am totally engulfed in weight loss...or more specifically....the number on the scale going down. Everything I do is with the hope and intention for the number on the scale to go down. And if what I am doing (or just did) won't result in the scale going down then I am failing. And if I'm failing anyway then what's the point?

Another thing I really need to embrace

I'm saying all this to say that I am going to shift my focus. I've probably said this before, but I don't think I've ever actually worked on it. I know I've said that I'm going to "work on my mind"; but what does that even mean? I'm starting to figure out what that means. I decided yesterday that I am no longer tracking. I am no longer going to focus on trying to eat X number of calories in a day or lose X number of pounds. Do I want to still lose some more weight? Sure. That isn't going to go away overnight. But, that is no longer my main focus. I know how to eat in order to lose weight. I track to justify that I'm doing it "right" or to give me permission to eat something that I feel like I shouldn't be eating. I have spent so much time either tracking and eating well or not tracking and eating crappy that I don't trust myself to eat well if I'm not tracking. I have actually been known to pass up the "healthier option" that actually looks really good to me when I'm not tracking because I don't want to "waste it". Wow. How stupid is that? Or, I'll choose something else because the healthy option is something I can get when I'm tracking so when I'm not tracking I should live it up as much as possible. Ugh. That is what needs to change.

I am going to focus now on just eating to be as healthy as I want to be in that moment; not to try to hit X weight or to stay within X calories. It's going to be a process and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared to gain all my weight back. But, I'm not giving up. I'm not saying screw it. I'm just not

Dinner yesterday....yum!

obsessively tracking what I eat. My goals for the rest of my 75 day challenge remain mostly the same. I just changed the first goal from tracking to eating mindfully.
1) Eat mindfully
2) NO wine
3) workout 6 days per week
4) drink 96-128 oz of water every day

Yesterday I did not weigh or track a single thing I ate and it was amazing! I ate when I was actually hungry and in the end I ate 3 meals and 1 snack all day. My meals were healthy (healthy enough - just as healthy as I would have eaten if I were tracking). But, I found myself wanting to track it all at the end of the day because I knew it was a "good" day. I didn't. And in the end I felt great. I never felt deprived or mad or forced to make a decision I didn't really want to make. And I didn't eat more at the end of the day simply because I had calories left. I didn't know where my calories were so I just stopped eating for the day because I wasn't really hungry.

I have not yet decided if I'm going to continue to weigh in and report my loss/gain each week or if I'm really going to step back from focusing on the scale. I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet. One step at a time......

Week 1 Check In

I was definitely hoping for a more successful week 1, but I am going to focus on the positives rather than dwell on the negatives. 

Breakfast most of the week

This first week technically started last Friday, but I didn't actually start until Monday. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were spent eating (and drinking) whatever I wanted. On Monday I blogged about my goals for these next 75 days. It basically comes down to trying to hit 4 goals every day. 

1) TRACK my food

2) NO wine

3) Workout (6 days per week)

4) 96-128 oz water

Monday was a great start to the week. I hit all 4 goals and was feeling good. 

Tuesday was more of the same. I ate some more food, but still hit all 4 of my goals. 

Wednesday was good, but I ended up having to fight with myself.  After dinner (actually during dinner) on Wednesday the kids asked to go to Menchie's. Usually the answer would be no, but we had actually talked about it on Saturday and then never went. I decided to just go ahead and take them. I only had about 3 points remaining for the day, but I was also at less than 1100 calories on the day so I knew I had the room for frozen yogurt. I ended up getting whatever I wanted at Menchie's. I estimated it as 600 calories and 10 points for my trackers. BUT, I had to fight with myself over the guilt. Not necessarily the guilt over having it, but the guilt of not knowing if I'm tracking it correctly. But really, what does it matter? I ate it, I tracked it, I needed to move on. 

Lunch Thursday

Thursday - I didn't really worry about the fact that the scale went up a little this morning from yesterday since I ate all that ice cream. I really don't think the scale dictated my mood Thursday, but maybe it did. I was having one of those days where I was just not feeling great mentally. I was just feeling blah. I made it through the day until my husband called when he was almost home to tell me he hit a deer. He was OK (thank goodness), but the car that we just got in September was NOT. Really this isn't that big of a deal. He didn't get hurt. We have insurance to cover it; but it just sent me spiraling. All I wanted to do was run to the grocery store and get wine. I didn't. And because of that I am calling yesterday a win! 

However, I ended up eating everything in the house from after dinner to the time I went to bed. It was BAD people. Sometimes when I do this I go back the next day to try to track everything I ate, but I didn't even do that this morning. I'm completely just moving past it. So yesterday I didn't hit my track my food goal because I decided not to even try. And that's OK. I didn't drink wine and that is still a win in my book. Sometimes you can't do it all and that will always be OK. 

Week 1

So today I was having a hard time getting my head back where it needs to be. I got on the scale and was not at all surprised to see it go up (a LOT) from yesterday. I'm really not worried about it. It's not the scale that is bothering me right now. What's bothering me is how I feel mentally. But, I think that my body is seriously going through a detox because I really haven't been eating well for well over a month.  

Now I am just trying to focus on staying the course. I have 4 goals I want to hit every day. I need to simply focus on those goals each day and if I don't hit them (like yesterday), I need to just keep going. Today has been good so far. This weekend is going to be a challenge for me. I have been drinking wine every weekend for a while now so this weekend will be a rude awakening. The first weekend is always the hardest and then it gets easier. 

All that being said, I did hit another personal best in the gym today. I deadlifted 220#'s, which is pretty freaking insane. It's not all about that scale folks! I also took a picture this morning to remind myself of how far I have come and the fact that I will never give up. Regardless of what the scale said this morning or how I ate last night, I felt good in my clothes this morning so that's what I'm choosing to focus on now. 

Progress.....not perfection

75 Days

Day 1/75

There is something I like about making these short term goals for myself. Now granted, the only time I have ever actually succeeded in one of these "challenges" was when I posted 55 days before our 2018 Disney trip. 

Today's lunch/midday snack

Well....that's actually not true. I also wrote this post when I was 50 days away from the end of the Living Lean challenge last year. 

When I was 55 days away from Disney in 2018 I wanted to lose 12.8 pounds. I set short term goals to hit during those 55 days so that I could hopefully reach the number on the scale that I wanted to hit. If you recall, I hit that number and more actually! I ended up losing 12.4 pounds in 30/55 days and then lost another 3 pounds in the next 25 days. Perhaps the lesson there is that I actually set the bar too low. I didn't feel the need to continue to be as strict as I was being during those first 30 days because I had basically hit my goal. But, it felt amazing to actually reach a weight loss goal that I had set for myself.

Then, last year, I had 50 days remaining in the challenge and I wanted to lose another 10.8 pounds to reach my personal goal. Again, I set goals for myself to hit in those 50 days. They were very basic goals and came down to tracking my food (while staying in a pretty decent calorie deficit), maintaining my consistent workout schedule and get my water in. My attitude was that if I did those things and didn't hit the number on the scale at least I would know I did everything in my power to reach that goal. And again, by about day 49 I had dropped 11 pounds to reach my personal goal.

Dinner

During my 55 day Disney challenge I did not set the goal to track every day. I set that goal for the first 28 days, but then I gave myself a week of not tracking. During the 50 day challenge I set the goal to track every day and try to maintain an average daily calorie deficit of 700 calories. So basically to track and "stay within my calories". But, because some days I would have a huge calorie deficit I didn't even hold myself to staying within my calories every day because all I was looking at was the average deficit. What this meant though, was that I tracked my food every day for 50 days. As a result, I hit my number goal.

So, my first goal of 2020 is a 75 day challenge with myself. We leave for Disney in 75 days and I have a number goal I would like to hit by that trip. Of course I'm second guessing what number to actually pick because I'd really like to be successful again; BUT, I don't want to sell myself short (again). That's why I like my A goal and B goal mentality. I know for some people it gives them an "out", but for me it helps me to feel successful even when I don't reach the goal I really wanted to hit. It helps to remind me that even if I don't lose ALL the weight I wanted to lose, I am still better than where I was if I hit my B goal.

After dinner snack

If I use last Friday's weight as my starting weight, I will have 11 weigh in's before we leave for Disney. Based on that starting weight, I have 21.8 pounds I would like to lose before the Disney trip. That is no joke in 11 weeks, but I think it's doable. I have averaged over a 2lb/week loss before, but not for 11 weeks in a row! But, I think a lot of the time I end up averaging less because I'm content with the rate of weight loss (which is totally fine). So, perhaps if I set my goal that high it'll help keep me focused for the entire 11 weeks. And perhaps it won't and that's OK too. Ultimately I would like my B goal to be no less than 16.8 pounds because that will bring me back to where I was in May when the challenge ended and I had hit my goal. So yes, I gained back quite a bit of what I had lost last year, but I've moved on from that and I'm totally over it. I'm over it, but I want to re-lose it for sure!

Regardless of which goal I hit, I will absolutely weigh less for this Disney trip than I did for our last one so that will be something to be proud of no matter what happens in the next 75 days.

OK. So the goals for these next 75 days are:
1) TRACK my food every day
2) NO wine
3) Workout 6 days per week
4) 96-128 oz of water every day

I will be double tracking again with MFP (My Fitness Pal) and WW (Weight Watchers). My specific tracking goal will be to stay within my WW points the entire 75 days. To me that means ALL points allowed (daily, weekly AND fit points). Not all people use ALL their points, but I consider myself to be "on" program as long as I'm within all those points since that's why they're there. Now, if I use ALL my points every week the chances that I'll lose 21.8 pounds in 11 weeks is probably pretty slim. The number on the scale is the end goal that I'm hoping for; but the 4 goals listed above are the things that I can control. If I hit those 4 goals every day for 75 days I will have completed this challenge successfully regardless of what that scale says on March 20th.

Day 1 is done and I can check off each goal. I tracked my food today and ended the day at 20/23 points and 1222 calories. I had no wine. I worked out (LL and 10,000+ steps) and drank 128 oz of water.