The Mental Struggle of Weight Loss

A truer statement has never been made. I can't express how much of a mental battle losing weight is. It's very similar to running in that regard. There have been plenty of times that I had the physical ability to perhaps run faster or longer;  but my mind was holding me back.

Chances are if you are someone who has to lose weight you have some sort of messed up relationship with food. You aren't one to simply see food as fuel for your body. Perhaps losing weight is SO mental because the people who need to lose weight have a harder time thinking about food in a normal way. Food isn't just food for those of us who have gained and lost weight over the years.

My life is consumed by thoughts of food. If I'm trying to figure out what I might want to do in a day, I inevitably will think about what that means in terms of food. Do I want to take the kids to see a movie? Well, do I think I can resist having popcorn? Or, can I fit the popcorn into my calories/points for the day. Or, perhaps we end up not going to the movie because I decide the food part of it doesn't fit into my bigger plan. Let me be honest and tell you that this absolutely sucks. I am a work in progress and I would love to get to the point that food doesn't have the control over me that it has now; but I'm not confident that will ever happen.

Quitting is not an option. It has never been an option.

Can you see now why losing weight is sometimes so tiring? Can you imagine having to fight with yourself every day to do (or not do) something? Some days are definitely easier than others. Some days I don't even really have to fight with myself and I just do what I had already planned out to do. There are some days where even just following my plan is a challenge. And let's not even talk about those days that I didn't plan ahead!

With all this mental battling you can also imagine how frustrating it is when you aren't seeing the progress you think you should see. But, really, what is that about? If you can't already tell my weight was up this week from last. Last week I talked about how I had weighed myself daily and it helped me mentally. I wasn't sure if it would continue to help me this week and I was thinking it was NOT helping; but I've kind of changed my tune on that. My weight wasn't really moving much all week until it moved UP on Friday, so it wasn't a shock to me so see it be up today from last Monday. I feel like if I were to have gotten on the scale today after not being on it all week I would have flipped out about being up. My food was fine last week. Fine. Not perfect, but I never will be perfect. My food was no worse than the previous week when I lost over 3lbs.

I find myself falling into the trap that I talked about in this post a few weeks ago. I'm stressing about hitting a certain number in a certain amount of time. I am SO close to that first goal of hitting ONEderland that I just want to hit it already! But, because I am SO focused on hitting this goal as quickly as possible I'm struggling even more mentally. Part of why I want to hit 199 so badly is because I want to hit 195 (or less) by the time we leave for Disney in 9 weeks. I want to hit that number for that trip for 2 specific reasons: 1) to weigh the least I've EVER weighed when we've gone to Disney and 2) so that I have enough of a buffer so that I won't get back from Disney and be over 200 pounds again.

Those are great and realistic goals. Except that they are driving me crazy. They are consuming my thoughts and causing me to put so much pressure on myself that I have to fight myself constantly about what not to eat. It's really just so stupid. I mean, what does it really matter if I don't hit those goals? How will my life change if I were to still be 206 lbs in May? It wouldn't. I am pretty positive that it's fear that drives this craziness. Fear that if I'm still 206 lbs in May I'll be 226 (or more) again before I know it. If I still weigh 206 lbs in May because I am eating too much and not exercising that is one thing. But, again, if I just do what I need to do and trust the process, the weight is going to come off. So that's the goal this week. Keep on keepin' on. The scale will reflect my work at some point. It won't reflect my work if I stop working or stuff my face because I'm frustrated (well, actually it will reflect my "work" if that's the kind of work I do this week!).

Easier said than done. But always working on this!

A Monday Weigh In

Happy Monday Friends!!!!

I hope everyone had as great of a weekend as I did. There was nothing overly special about this weekend; but it was a good one nonetheless. 

I was so proud of myself on Sunday because I stuck to my plan almost 100%. The plan Sunday was to go see Rent with my hubby and then get dinner after. On Thursday when I was struggling with my eating I had decided to make my plan of what I was going to eat on SUNDAY. Crazy, huh? Once I saw that I could have a great dinner out on Sunday without even needing any extra points I felt less guilty about using those points on Thursday (it's all a mental game people). 

Our first date....seeing Rent in June 1998.

We went to the Outback for dinner and my plan was to get the filet mignon (the 9 oz one at that!), the LOADED baked potato, and grilled asparagus. That entire meal was 21 points. I was totally happy with that because I NEVER order the 9 oz steak and to be able to still get my loaded baked potato and not at all feel guilty about it is awesome. The only change I made to this plan was that I did end up eating one piece of the bread with some butter. But, my dinner was at about 5PM and I did not eat a single thing the rest of the night. Yesterday ended up being my 2nd lowest point day in the entire week (actually it tied as the lowest). 

It's interesting to me that this week stepping on the scale every morning actually really helped me. On Thursday when I was eating (and counting everything I was eating), I was still feeling guilty as I watched my points go away. I always want to go into the weekend with plenty of extra points so I can get through the weekends without having to be quite as strict. So, before I got on the scale Friday morning I was giving myself a little pep talk. "Ok. You ate 56 points yesterday so naturally the scale is going to be up from yesterday. It's probably going to be up a whole pound (or possibly more). It's OK. You tracked everything you ate and you are going to have a good day today regardless of what that scale says." 

(almost) 20 years and LOTS of changes later....
date afternoon - seeing Rent.

I got on the scale and it actually went DOWN .4 from the day before. This helped me in so many ways. I had done a pretty good job of talking to myself so I think I would have been OK to see it go up. I know my weight fluctuates throughout the week and I don't actually expect to see it go down every single day. But seeing it go down after a day of eating more than I had been really helped to show me that it was OK. I not only was able to get right back on track for Friday, but I even passed up dinner out with my family to stay home and make a healthy dinner to stay on track. I got on the scale again Saturday and saw a number lower than I've seen since 2012. That totally validated my efforts on Friday. 

Now, I will say that I did allow myself a little more "freedom" Saturday because of that scale; but right now I'm not seeing this as a bad thing. Again, I ate a lot of points on Saturday but I tracked almost all of those points (I think I had a handful of pretzels that I didn't count). And again, before I got on the scale on Sunday I gave myself that same pep talk. It didn't bother me at all when the scale went up on Sunday. It was only up about 1.2 pounds and I knew that even if it stayed the same for my Monday weigh in I was still down a good amount so I was totally fine with that. However, it also motivated me to really stay on track yesterday so that perhaps I could see that low number again this morning. 

I am thrilled to report that everything I did this week paid off! The scale was down 3.6 lbs this morning and not only did I see that lower weight I saw on Saturday - but I saw one that was almost a whole pound LOWER! 

I am a little nervous to continue to get on the scale every day this week. It worked to my benefit last week, but I don't want it to backfire on me this week. So, we'll see. I haven't decided what I'm going to do and probably won't decide until tomorrow morning when it's time to face the scale (or not). 

One more thing before I end this long post. I find myself in this weird emotional space right now. I am feeling SO good and SO positive because of that number on the scale. I am also feeling pretty good with how my clothes are fitting and how I feel like I look when I look in the mirror. BUT, I am struggling with looking at pictures of myself this past week. I already mentioned that the first thing I thought of when I saw that picture from the awards ceremony was, "OMG I'm still so fat." I was so excited to have my daughter take pics of me and the hubby before going to see Rent and I thought the same damn thing again looking at that picture. So, I'm excited on one hand that I'm getting SO close to 199; but I'm also realizing how far away from my end goal I still am and that's a little defeating. It's the getting out of my own way that I need to continue to work on. I will continue to find comparison pictures to post because those always make me feel good. I focus on how far I've come rather than how much farther I have to go when I look at those pics. 

The Comparison Trap

By now you all probably already know that I won the "MOST IMPROVED" award for the #NOEXCUSES Spring Break Challenge. Our team didn't win the grand prize, but I was quite excited to have been recognized for this award.

Wednesday night I was feeling really good. I was proud of myself for what I accomplished in the 8 weeks and was feeling the love and support from everyone at the gym. I made my little speech about how I was hesitant to start working out at this gym because I didn't want to feel like the "fat girl" in the sea of skinny/fit people. Amazingly enough, in the now 9 weeks that I've been attending this gym, I have not once felt like the fat girl. I may have felt like the "new girl" from time to time, but I was/am so that's OK.

Then Leslie sent me the pic she took of me when I accepted my award and the very first thing I thought when I looked at the pic was, "Ugh, I am still so fat". WHY?? Why is that the first thing I saw? So then Thursday I struggled. I struggled with my horribly negative thoughts about how what I accomplished over those 8 weeks wasn't enough. I started comparing myself to the other people in the challenge. I was thinking - man, that person lost 14 pounds as well and they don't have nearly as much weight to lose as I do. Or, why can't I be "better", more disciplined, a harder worker, more dedicated to losing this weight as quickly as possible, etc.?!?!

ARGH! This is one of the most frustrating things that I do. This whole not good enough complex I seem to have is really annoying. I always seem to find myself comparing my experience to other peoples' and deciding that what they did was better. This thought process is so stupid and doesn't do anything but make it harder for me to stick to my goals.

My amazing coach and trainer - Pam! 

I am  happy to report that this week has gotten better since that dark day on Thursday. I did find myself eating my feelings on Thursday, but every time I put something in my mouth I tracked it. I had earned plenty of "fit points" to have wiggle room so in the end I didn't do any real damage. I tracked everything I ate and still have plenty of extra points to get me through this weekend. This is what I love most about WW. It wasn't great that I ate my feelings; but I did what I needed to do to keep it in check. I even decided to track my food that day into MyFitnessPal to see what it amounted to in calories. I ate 56 points that day (if you remember I'm "allowed" 23 in a day + fit points + 42 weekly points to use however I want. There are also lots of 0 point foods). Ok, so knowing that I ate a fair amount of 0 point foods (like eggs and turkey) I was curious to know how many calories I actually ingested on Thursday when I ate 4 girl scout cookies, salt & vinegar potato chips and a piece of the cinnamon sugar cheesecake bars I made last weekend. Turns out I didn't even hit 2000 calories that day. This actually helped me to 1) stop eating and 2) not feel so guilty about it. I had the points, I tracked everything I ate and I moved on. THAT'S the key people! And, the fact that I was counting points and not calories kept it very much so in control. There were plenty of times when counting calories that a "binge" day tracked would amount to more than 2500 calories. Heck, there were plenty of days that a day I didn't even binge would amount to 2500 calories.

I've had a rough week mentally, but I have kept my food spot on (because I've kept tracking and have stayed within my points). It doesn't matter what other peoples' journey's look like. This is MY journey and it will be what it is. We'll see what the scale says on Monday, but I have a good feeling about this week's weigh in!

The Party's OVER

Don't worry, this isn't going to be a downer of a post like the title might suggest.

This weekend was great! Between my birthday being Sunday and the fact that I had completed my weight loss challenge, I had decided to give myself a "free" weekend. I enjoyed lots of things that I haven't really been eating (or drinking) lately. I did not have even a twinge of guilt. I knew that the scale would likely "punish" me this morning and I was 100% OK with that.

The picture doesn't do it justice and my mirror is really dirty;
but this sunrise yesterday was beautiful. A great way to start my birthday. 

I am feeling SO positive and motivated lately that I know if the scale goes up because I CHOSE to over indulge for an entire weekend that's OK (and it did, but only .2 lbs!). I also know that scale will go right back down because I WILL get myself right back on track.

So the party's over. I gave myself a free weekend to indulge (a lot) and now I'm done.

Here's the new plan: No weekends/days/etc. like this past weekend until after I hit my first goal of 199 pounds. 

The great thing about this weekend was that I realized most things just aren't worth it to me right now. That revelation didn't stop me from eating them this weekend (sigh....I am forever a work in progress); but it did help me get right back on track today with very little effort. It also helped me to make the decision that I will go back to having NO wine at least until I reach my first goal. We'll see what I decide to do after that. I discovered this weekend that I still lack self-control when I introduce wine into the equation. My thought is that will eventually go away, but right now it's still there. The easiest thing to do is to just not drink wine for the time being. When I re-introduce wine again I'm thinking perhaps I'll let myself have wine at a nice dinner out or wine at my parents house, but no wine at home. We'll see. But for now no wine.

On one hand I feel like I'm SO close to that 199, but then I realize it could be 4-8 weeks before I hit that number and that almost takes the wind out of my sails. Then I ever so gently remind myself that it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there; as long as I keep working to get there. The focus is on doing what I need to do to hit that number and the rest will follow. Right now that means tracking and staying within my points. That's it. That's all I have to focus on right now. This really isn't as hard as I (and lots of other people) make it out to be. With the amount of activity I do I earn LOTS of extra points to use throughout the week (not to mention the extra weekly points you already get even with no exercise). There is NO reason I can't track and stay within my points with very little effort.

I've got this. 2018 is MY year!

#NOEXCUSES Spring Break Challenge RESULTS!!!!!

Guys, this is going to be a really fun post! :)

Let's get right down to business. Today was my final workout at Living Lean for the 8 week challenge. Prior to the workout I got weighed in and had my body fat percentage checked. Then, when I went home I did my measurements (which I had done on Jan. 11th - the day I started the challenge).

If you recall from my post on Jan 16th, my starting stats were:

Height: 5' 4.5"
Weight: 222 (ugh)

Left = 1/1/18. Right = 3/9/18

Body Fat Percentage: 42.2%

I actually don't think I've ever shared my measurements on this blog.....but why not start now??

Measurements taken 1/11/18
Chest: 36.5"
Bust: 42"
Waist: 38.5" (my natural waist is pretty high so I take a measurement for waist and then also for my belly - basically right at my belly button).
Belly: 44"
Hips: 47.5"
Rt. Leg: 26
Rt. Arm: 13.75"

OFFICIAL RESULTS from Living Lean
Height: obviously the same. I tried to convince them I grew a .5 inch, but they didn't believe me! ;)
Weight: 207.6
Body Fat Percentage: 39%

That's 14.4 pounds and 3.2 body fat percentage points down in 8 weeks and I am STOKED about those results. I'm even more stoked for the measurements.

Measurements taken 3/9/18
Chest: 35 (that's down 1.5 inches)
Bust: 40 (-2 inches)
Waist: 35.5 (-3 inches)
Belly: 41 (-3 inches)
Hips: 44.5 (-3 inches)
Rt. Leg: 25 (-1 inch)
Rt. Arm: 13 (-.75 inches)

That's a grand total of 14.25 inches lost in 8 weeks!

These may not be winning numbers for the contest, but I don't even care. I am amazed when I look at the comparison pics above. I feel so motivated to keep going and actually reach my goals this year!

Next up......ONEderland!!!!!! It's seriously SO close!

Final Week of the #NOEXCUSES Spring Break Challenge

Well, it's here. It is officially week 8 of this challenge! I can't even believe 7 weeks have already gone by and we are into the last week!

These last 7 weeks have really been amazing. Let's talk about what I accomplished over these 7 short weeks.......

1) As of this morning, I completed 27 workouts at Living Lean (it would have been 32, but I missed 4 workouts the week I was sick).

2) I have not had ANY wine since January 10th - the night I weighed in for the contest I had champagne at the kick off party. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since then!

3) I have had NO McDonald's since......you know what? I'm not sure. For SURE I've had no McDonald's for these 7 weeks; but I'm thinking it's more like 9 weeks. I also don't think I've had ANY fast food (like McD's, Burger King, Wendy's, Chick fil a) in these 7 weeks either.

4) I've lost 13.2 pounds since the start of the contest and about 15 pounds since January 1st.

5) I have lost weight all but 1 week since January 1st.

6) Regardless of the program I was (am) following, I have been on program for all but 1 weekend during these 7 weeks.

We'll see what the official "end" results are at Living Lean; but regardless I am pretty stoked about what I have accomplished over these last 7 weeks. Joining this contest did exactly what I wanted it to do. I wanted it to help jumpstart my 2018 journey; to help me get right back on track after the holidays so I could continue to lose the weight I need to lose.

I looked back through my weigh in's from last year and from Jan 1st to March 7th last year I lost 7.6lbs. Between Jan 1st and March 5th this year I've lost 15.1 lbs. THAT right there makes this contest worth it. Not only did it help me get back on track, but it helped me to lose more weight in the beginning of the year then I ever have before.

I am SO close to my 1st goal I can taste it! I'm trying not to stress about how quickly the weight comes off; but MAN I want to hit that first goal. But, for the first time in a LONG time I actually believe I'm going to hit that goal. Not only that; but I believe I'm going to hit that goal in the very near future. I look forward to writing that blog post.

Stay tuned for my official end results from Living Lean on Friday!