The scale has been causing quite a commotion with me lately. If you've been around here for even a second you know I have a love/hate relationship with my scale. You know that I go back and forth with how often to weigh myself. Back in 2011 when I lost about 40 pounds I weighed myself almost every day for about 29 weeks! That's crazy, but clearly it worked for me at the time. I look back at those numbers now and wonder how I didn't let it get to me. I probably did, but I don't remember it. I didn't lose the weight quickly either so it's not like the number was going down every day or anything. It would go down, then up, then maybe up some more, then way down, etc.
So when I decided to get down to business this year I thought I'd weigh myself every day again. It was going really well for the first 13 days of the year. During that time the scale was pretty much dropping every day. I think it stayed the same for 2 days during that time, but then after it stayed the same for 2 days (and then barely changed the 3rd day), it dropped a full pound....on Friday the 13th of all days! Perhaps THIS was the whole problem because the annoyance starts there. I decided to use Friday's as my "official" weigh in day. I like doing Fridays because it sometimes motivates me to stay on track over the weekend; and if it doesn't I have 4 days to be really good before I have to officially track my weight again.
Well, I continued to track every day and keep my calories in the range My Fitness Pal recommended. There were several days I had LOTS of calories remaining on the day (some days even over 2000 because of how much I burned)! But alas, the scale was creeping up EVERY single day. By the time I "officially" weighed in on the following Friday I was UP 2.2 lbs from the previous Friday. Needless to say I was NOT happy. The next week my calories were high, but still within their recommendations and by the time Jan 27th rolled around I was UP yet again. It was "only" .4lbs, but it didn't matter. That was the same Friday I got up and went to Jazzercise with my friend at 5 AM! I sat in her car and cried on the way because I was SO upset about the damn scale.
Enter my last post and the thought that something needed to change for February. Due to the fact that I let myself have a TOTALLY free Jan 31st (and perhaps a few days before that as well), I started Feb 1st weighing MORE than I did on Jan 1st! I knew this wasn't actual weight gain because there was no way I was eating that many calories more than what I needed. Anyway, I was right because after just one day of eating better (no fast food and mostly whole foods), the scale went down 4.6 lbs! It went down again the next day and since that was a Friday, it was down .6 from the previous Friday. I was feeling better about this until the scale started going up again last Saturday. I was mad because I tracked my food on Friday and even though I ate over 2000 calories, I still had over 900 "remaining" according to MFP. The scale being up Saturday threw me into a tizzy and I ended up eating around 2700 calories on Saturday - and that was on a day I did NOT exercise so I was OVER my calorie range by more than 1000 calories. I got it back under control on Sunday, but the scale was still moving up. Ok; but then, again, with one good day it dropped back down. I was starting to think I could handle stepping on the scale daily and just taking a mental note of what the trends are. But then when I had a day that I ate 1748 calories and had 1095 remaining and was UP the next day (yesterday); I was once again NOT a happy camper.
I came to the conclusion that this is so hard for me because it IS all about that damn number for me. The whole "wanting to just be healthy" thing doesn't do it. It doesn't do it because if you take away my weight number, most of my other numbers are healthy. I exercise anywhere from 6-8 hours a week. I have completed several races at over 200 lbs (MOST of them actually. I think I only crossed 2 finish lines weighing less than 200). So, clearly to ME, being "healthy" means being at a "healthy weight". And, as much as I maybe don't feel the need to weigh 150 pounds; I certainly feel the need to weigh less than 200 pounds. And I DEFINITELY feel the need to weigh less than 225 pounds! So this is what I tend to focus on. If I feel like I'm doing "everything right" and the scale isn't cooperating I let it completely derail me.
I was in a FUNK yesterday. Again, the scale dictated my mood and I HATE that. I thought about staying off the scale today but then I got on it anyway. A funny thing happened....it went crazy on me! It took forever to decide on my weight and when it finally did it was WAY off. I mean, I'd be happy if I actually DROPPED 8 pounds from yesterday; but somehow I don't think that happened. I stepped on it again (just to check) and this time it just kept scanning through the numbers and just turned off. I decided it was divine intervention. Someone is telling me that I need to get off the stupid scale! But it's not that easy. It's not just about getting off the scale. It's about actually BELIEVING that if I eat better and continue to exercise the number on that scale WILL eventually go to where it "needs" to be. The fear is that if I'm NEVER getting on the scale I will be more likely to think that I can maybe "get away" with eating too much because I feel like my clothes fit better or I'm happier with how I look or whatever.
The McDonald's and wine fast for the month of February is going well. I feel like when I make a declaration on here I'm more likely to do it. I've actually had very little problem (so far) keeping my McD's and wine fast (even through all this frustration). Now I'm thinking that perhaps I should tack on another goal for the month of February (and most of March) to STAY OFF THE SCALE. I'll be weighed when I go to my next Entyvio infusion on March 24th. This is not going to be easy and I may not succeed; but this is my goal. It's not JUST about staying off the scale though. It's about actually working on making a shift in my brain to trust the process. To know that as long as I stay the course the scale will eventually show results.
So that's where things are at for me. We'll see how this new challenge goes!
No comments:
Post a Comment