#noexcuses Week 9

This has been an interesting week to say the least. I was so excited about my 8 week results and was proud of myself for staying so strict last weekend (so that those official 8 week results were as good as they were). Monday was my birthday and although I started the day with tracking my food, I eventually stopped tracking and definitely indulged the rest of the day. I then went back to trying to keep my calories on the low side the rest of the week because I wanted to be sure to at least see the same number on the scale today as was on it Monday.

Figured this background was appropriate since baseball will have
started again by the time we're done with these next 4 weeks!

I succeeded in that (the scale was exactly the same today as it was Monday morning even though I ate way too much on Monday), but had some serious mental struggles this week. The reason why I say this week has been interesting is because the struggles were there for no real reason. It would make sense if I was struggling because I was just SO hungry while trying to keep my calories low. But I wasn't. It didn't matter though; every day this week I had to fight with myself to NOT eat for no reason. And almost every time I fought with myself I was not anywhere near hungry. That was seriously beyond frustrating.

I have been on this journey for a long time. I have been fighting these demons for years and although I am getting better at winning the fights; it annoys the crap out of me that I still have them. It annoys me that when I am 65 pounds lighter than my heaviest, I can still have days where I easily consume as many calories as I used to.

I've been thinking about this this week and I actually think I am not consuming as much as I used to when I was at my highest, but because I am consuming way more than I should be or need to, I feel like I'm eating just as much as I used to. That sentence just made it sound like I have been consuming that much food all the time. I haven't been. I'm just saying that those days (like Monday) when I give myself the freedom to eat what I want I'm surprised at what I am still able to eat even after losing so much weight. I guess it just reiterates the fact that this journey will never have an end date. My life is going to look pretty similar to this even when I am where I want to be with my weight.

Obviously I am making improvements and that's what I need to continue to focus on. We just completed the 9th week of this challenge and I managed to lose weight 7 of the 9 weeks. One of those 2 times that I didn't lose I had maintained. The one week that I gained, I lost what I gained + more than a pound the following week. I need to stop getting frustrated when I'm not perfect. I clearly am still doing this thing even when I'm not perfect.

Every time I do something like stop eating when I start to feel full or don't eat just because I want to; I need to take that as a win. I need to realize that every time I win one of those battles is an improvement and when I don't win one of those battles it doesn't mean I'm a failure. It also doesn't mean that I haven't changed. I am changing but I think sometimes it is hard to see it because the change has been pretty gradual. If I wasn't changing I wouldn't be 65 pounds lighter today than I was in 2014. And perhaps these changes are more likely to stick because they've taken so damn long to happen.

So this week was interesting because I feel so good about where I'm at and am so proud of myself on one hand; while on the other I continue to be hard on myself because it should be "easier" by now. Or because even on my free days I should just naturally eat less than I used to. Or because I shouldn't have to fight with myself on a daily basis not to eat out of boredom. That should is a dirty word and I really just need to stop using it. It may not feel easier, but I am winning those battles way more than I used to so whether it's easier or not, I'm doing it.