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| I've read it before...but it didn't hit home until yesterday! |
So yesterday during the race I was running along and came to the part where you pass the
But, it was in that moment yesterday that I decided I need to start working on embracing the fat girl running. I think only when I start to embrace and truly appreciate her, will I be able to get rid of her! I realize that this is probably not news to any of you out there who listen to me talk about my accomplishments, but sometimes it takes time for things to get through my thick skull. I've been struggling with this feeling that it's not enough. That, sure, I've done 4 half marathons, but I still haven't managed to complete one in 2 hours and 30 minutes or less. Or, that, sure, I'm training for a full marathon, but I can't seem to get my pace better than a 14:15 minute/mile on my long runs. So then I blame the fat chick. I say things like, "if [whoever I'm comparing myself to] put on a 50+lb fat suit, they wouldn't be able to run [whatever pace they run] either". Like I have to defend my slowness. Instead, I've decided I need to embrace my slowness, my fatness, and everything else about me right NOW. I mean, at least I am DOING it. At least I am out there on a Sunday morning at 6:45 AM, waiting in line for a porta potty. At least I am on that trail at least once a week, running anywhere from 6 to 21 miles in order to train for this full marathon. At least, when hitting the turnaround for the 10k yesterday, I passed not 1, not 5, not 10, but about 40 runners....almost all of which were SMALLER than me! 
It IS good enough. Just doing it is good enough. I cross the same finish line, get the same t-shirt, and wear the same medals as the people who cross that line before me. I will never win a race, and that's OK. That's always been OK. But, I think in order to really appreciate how far I've come (when I inevitably lose this weight and become a faster runner), I need to appreciate where I'm at right here and now. I need to appreciate that, at over 200lbs, I can run 4 miles without stopping; I can run/walk for over 5 hours; and I am the healthiest I've been in my entire life when you look at the numbers (except for the one on the scale obviously).
So I am telling you all now that I am working on trying to be more positive about my accomplishments. This is not to say that I'll get over the negativeness (is that a word??) overnight, but I am trying. I am trying to truly believe that what I'm doing is awesome and a great accomplishment no matter what my weight or speed is! And, I hope that embracing the fat girl running will help me to become just a girl running! :)
There's wisdom in what you wrote today, Kim. Believe it! And, FYI, it's "negativity," in case you decide to use it again. :- )
ReplyDeleteAhh...yes, I knew negativeness sounded wrong! ;-)
DeleteI truly believe that staying positive is a vital aspect of everything we do and can have a huge impact. I really think you need to get out of your head. For instance, why infer that people are only offering encouragement because you are heavier then you want to be. Maybe their "you can do it" or "only 1.5 miles to go don't give up" is the support they've been giving the past 100 people regardless of size. Don't let negative thoughts penetrate and potentially throw you off your stride. Seriously, you don't know what anyone else is thinking why go to the negative? Every race I have gone to either as a participant or as a supporter has always been a very positive atmosphere. You don't need anyone's affirmation that you can do it, you know you can, so just take their support as all that it is meant to be, support.
ReplyDeleteMelanie,
DeleteYes! That's exactly what this post was all about - about me admitting my messed up brain and how it's holding me back. How I need to be more positive and believe that these people are encouraging me for just that - encouragement. And frankly, if they are saying it because I'm the big girl who looks like I need some encouragement then FINE...that's OK. And I need to start just taking it as encouragement and go from there. These are truly my issues that I am working on getting over. My negativity has consumed me for many years so it will be a journey in and of itself to get over.
Good advice, Melanie!
DeleteAmen. Glad you're finally figuring things out. Now perhaps this will actually post from my phone. I gave up trying from the ipad*sigh*
ReplyDelete:D you know I'm happy to hear this!!! Life's to short to focus on the negativeness (good word by the way, it ranks up there with nutritionalize;) just be yourself and be PROUD of yourself no matter if you're fat, skinny, slow, fast or inbetween. You've accomplished a lot, be proud of it. The rest of us are, it's time you join us......
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post. I have found that I often respond to encouragement from our faster peers in an internally negative way too. I think you are on target with the idea that if we change how we perceive ourselves, our perceptions of others will change as well.
ReplyDelete