3 for 3...so far

The good news?? Here's what my training schedule looks like so far this week:

8	9	10	11	12	13	14
P: Walk 20 min. A: TM 40 min, 2 miles	P: Bike 2 miles A: Bike 4.5 miles	P: Walk 20 min A: TM 43 min 2.2 miles		P: Swim 50 yds./Bike 2 miles A:	P: Walk 25 min A:	P: Bike 2 miles A:

(P=planned; A=actual; TM=treadmill)

3 days so far this week of planned activity and 3 days of actual activity. It felt absolutely awesome to be back at it. I honestly didn't even care about the fact that I'm starting back at square one. I didn't push myself to do more than was required (even though I did). I had no issue with the fact that I walked on the treadmill at 3 MPH (or a 20 min/mile pace). I'm starting back slowly and I'm actually OK with that.

The bad news?? My diet still sucks. But, I did say that this week I was going to focus on my activity first and I am doing that. But, I think I'm there. I think I've hit my rock bottom with my weight gain and my diet and I'm ready to make that change (again). There's no reason I can't do this. I've done it before. I need to do it again and figure out how to keep going. This will have to be forever for me. I will never be able to stop tracking what I eat and being mindful of how much I'm eating. Even WHEN I get to my goal weight, I will have to continue to do the things I did to lose weight, only I might be able to eat a few hundred calories more each day to maintain my weight instead of lose. But, it's not like I'm going to be able to go back to eating like a fool.

One of my favorite sayings of late is, "Success is a journey, not a destination." I have no idea who said it or where it came from (I believe my SIL said it to me at some point and I fell in love). It is just SO true for a lot of things, but definitely for my fitness/health journey. There is really no destination for this journey. When I hit my weight goal (what most people would think of as a destination), it can't be over, or the weight will just pile back on like it's always done. The journey will need to keep going. The success will only come when the journey continues on forever. Infinity. And that, my friends, is what I need to start now. My infinite journey....my success.

Sabotage

It's such a nasty thing...isn't it??

I am horribly guilty of self-sabotage. I have said it before, but have not yet taken the time to figure out the answer. WHY do I constantly sabotage myself? What is it that I am afraid of? Why do I want to continue to fail? It must be something deep in my subconscious that is keeping me from being successful, but I don't know what it is.

So here is a very interesting fact. From February to March I gained less than 2lbs. I wasn't tracking (obviously); wasn't exercising; but wasn't really concerning myself with it either. I knew that I was gaining and not losing, but it wasn't really my main focus. My main focus was that I was still feeling like crap from the Crohn's flare and just wanted to get better.

Fast forward to these last 2 weeks when I started to stress about it again...I have GAINED almost 5lbs (and that's not counting whatever the scale is going to say tomorrow, which I can guarantee won't be down). It's because the self-sabotaging has set in. 2 weeks ago I decided I needed to really re-start. I don't think I lasted a day. Then, last week, I wrote this post about starting yet again (you all just didn't know that I had already tried the week previous). And yet here I am AGAIN. I didn't re-start. I lasted 3/4 of one day. How pathetic is that?? Pretty darn.

But. It's water under the bridge. There is nothing I can do about it now. What I can do, is STOP the self-sabotage. I wanted to try to get my eating in control first and then start to re-introduce the exercise, but I'm changing my mind on that. I think the exercise and activity is the key for me. I think it makes me feel better, which in turn helps my motivation to eat well.

I was the most successful with my weight loss from April 2011 until about November 2011 - no coincidence that during that time I also trained for and completed a half marathon in May 2011, a sprint triathlon in September 2011 and another half marathon in November 2011 (there were other smaller races thrown in there as well). No wonder I was able to lose 31lbs between April 1st and November 1st that year.

Clearly what I have been doing to get myself "re-started" hasn't been working. So, I'm taking a different approach this week. I found a training program to follow from couch to a sprint tri. So, I spent some time this weekend mapping out my training program to start on Monday. My goal will be to complete the sprint tri at the Vermillion Triathlon in August.

Here is this weeks' schedule:

8	9	10	11	12	13	14
Walk 20 min.	Bike 2 miles	Walk 20 min		Swim 50 yds. Bike 2 miles	Walk 25 min	Bike 2 miles

Now, it may seem a little overwhelming to go from 0 to 6 days of exercise per week, but look at the amounts. Walking 20 minutes is really nothing. Biking 2 miles - that's almost not worth getting on the bike. Swimming 50 yards - at the pool I go to that is 1 full lap. These amounts are not at all difficult. Chances are I will do more than what is scheduled because if I drive all the way to the pool, get on my suit and get in the water you can bet I'll stay in for longer than 5 minutes. What makes this so awesome though is that if I get in the pool and decide that I'm not feeling it or it is harder than I thought to get re-started, etc; I can do my one lap and leave and know that I did what was scheduled for my workout that day. Baby steps. And right now, it's all about feeling like I'm succeeding! It's setting me up for success instead of failure. The self-sabotage only gets worse the worse I'm doing. So, if I can feel like I'm succeeding then perhaps I can stop the sabotaging for the time being. 

As far as the diet plan for this week.....I'm going to start with baby steps there too. One (or a few) step(s) at a time. My goals for this week regarding my diet are as follows:
1) Wine only 1 night (I was going to say no wine, but I have a recipe this week that calls for wine and there is NO WAY that I will make the meal and not drink the open bottle of wine in the fridge!).
2) No snacking after dinner (unless it's fruit).
3) Eat planned dinners (this should be easy because even as bad as I've been lately I've been really good about planning our dinners and actually making them throughout the week).

I have more I can do, but the longer the list gets, the more likely it is that I will fail...for now. I've tried to do the all or nothing thing the past 2 weeks (i.e. start tracking on weight watchers online and stay within points) and that hasn't worked...and has resulted in a significant weight gain. So, I'm trying a different approach this next week. At this point if I just stop gaining weight I will have succeeded!

So, there's my confession. I'm hoping the next blog entry can be more positive and report only good things. Wish me luck!

Picking Up The Pieces....

....and starting from square one.

We all know how hard it is to start over, right?? I've done it so many times you would think that I would learn that starting over is simply no fun. Granted, part of the reason for this current state of starting over wasn't in my control. But some of it certainly was....and therein lies the problem. Sure, the Crohn's flare made it nearly impossible to continue to exercise; but it didn't have to mean eating like crap. Frankly, I probably would have been significantly better off during this flare had I eaten LESS and eaten healthy. But I didn't. I'm as much of an emotional eater as they come. The way I was seeing it was that if I was going to be in pain anyway, I mind as well eat what I want. Doesn't really make much sense, but emotional eating usually doesn't make sense.

So, now it's time. I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel from this damn flare. I am feeling better than I have in probably a year (although still not what I would call 100%, but close enough). Therefore, it's time to get this party started.

There's just one problem.......

I don't want to.

Yup. You heard me.

I'm having an exceptionally hard time "starting over" this time around. I'm not really sure why it is so much harder this time than in the past. I do know that I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact that just over 5 months ago I was crossing the finish line of a marathon, and now I can barely run/walk 1 mile without feeling like I'm going to die. It's not only about the weight, but that is certainly a big factor. I have gained about 10lbs since the marathon, but I have lost every morsel of fitness I had just 5 short months ago.

Perhaps I need to change the title of my blog....I can probably no longer say that I am fat AND fit....just fat now. And that is so frustrating to me. However, instead of using that to fuel the fire and get back on track; I use it as an excuse to feed my face and continue the horrible upward battle. Emotional eating...

These are the times when I just don't want to be bothered. I want to say screw it and just live without having to think about what I'm eating. I want to convince myself that I don't care that I'm fat and that life would be better if I just stopped worrying about it. But, that will never be the case. I will never be the happy fat person. So, I need to just do it. I need to get over the fact that it isn't fair, the fact that I will forever have to think about what I eat, the fact that this will be a lifelong journey; and JUST DO IT!

So, it's Monday...and it's April 1st. A fresh start. Today is yet another Day 1. Let's see how long this one lasts....

Healing

It's amazing what you want to do when you can't do it, right?? Kind of like dieting - tell me I CAN'T have something and I want it more than anything. Part of why I struggle so much with losing weight. That's why I need to learn that I can have whatever it is I want....just in moderation.

But, right now, I can't have my training. I can't have trying to run faster and/or farther. I can't work on my swimming at a level to improve my speed or fitness. And when I am able (hopefully sooner rather than later), I will be starting over. This thought is a little defeating and I believe is making it that much harder to get RE-started.

2012 was a tough year in many ways. But 2013 has already proven to be even more difficult. I feel like I just can't get a break. I am improving, yes. But, it feels like just when I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel I have another setback.

I got my PICC line removed a little over 2 weeks ago now. My arm was a little sore after it was removed, but I figured that is normal since something was in my vein for the last 2+ weeks. But then, rather than getting better, my arm seemed to be getting worse....probably not a good thing. Nothing huge, but just sore and the soreness is actually moving down my arm (which is weird since the PICC line goes up - like to your shoulder). Anyway, so I call my doctor last week to tell him about it and he suggests I go to an urgent care or ER to be seen to make sure it's not infected. I go to the urgent care and he doesn't think it's infected (a good thing), but wants me to get a CT scan to make sure it's nothing else (like a blood clot that's going to break loose and end up in my lung....wonderful)! The good news?? The CT scan showed no abnormalities so I guess it's good to go. The bad news?? It's still bothering me. It does seem to be getting better, but more than 2 weeks after it being removed I feel like I shouldn't even know I had anything in my arm at all! Just annoying.

The good news is that my blood counts finally seem to be improving....ever so slightly...but improving. This will help my energy level, which is better, but still nowhere near 100%.

I have decided that I need to start moving past this. Yes, I need to let my body heal and I need to not push myself too much. But, I think I need to push a little. I have done nothing exercise-wise for nearly 2 months now. I need to figure out what I can do and start doing it. I think I will start by walking on my treadmill.

In addition, I said before that perhaps 2013 will be my year for my weight loss. Over the last 2+ years I have attempted to lose weight by focusing more on my fitness than my diet. Clearly, it hasn't worked in the way that I had hoped. It always works for a little bit. I focus on my activity AND my diet for a period of time, lose some weight and start to feel good. Then, my diet starts to slip and I decide it's not that big of a deal because I'm still running, biking, swimming, etc.

Well, this year it's going to take me some time to get my activity level back up to where it once was. This could be very dangerous. Think about it. If I can exercise 5+ hours per week and still not lose weight easily, what happens when I can only workout 3+ hours per week at a lower intensity?!?! A recipe for potential weight gain disaster! So, the focus must switch to my diet.

Today is the day. It all RE-starts today. My main focus is on my diet. I plan to start exercising this week as well, but I'm still weaker than usual. I am going to start with walking on the treadmill 2-3 times this week. I'm not even going to pinpoint an amount of time to stay on the treadmill. Sure, I'd like to say at least 30 minutes for 2-3 days, but that may not be realistic. So, I'll see how it goes and take it from there.

But, I'm back. I haven't been blogging because I feel like I have nothing to blog about. I haven't been doing anything, but trying to let my body heal. Now it's the time to get serious and start being a more active participant in letting my body heal!

2013 Race Plans

I believe I started writing this post on January 1st. I mean, what better day to start planning my 2013 than on New Year's Day!?!?

We'll start with the very little of that blog post that I started......

Guess what I did yesterday??? I made a training calendar to get myself back on the wagon! The other night I started looking at races to put on my calendar for this year. What I'm listing now is what I've made so far, but I hope to add a few more. Problem is, racing is not cheap. And, distance racing is even more expensive! It'd be one thing if I wanted to do a bunch of 5k's, but no, I like to do 10k's and above.

So, here is the list of races I have on my wish list thus far:

Twinsburg Indoor Triathlon - February 17th
Towpath Half Marathon - April 7th
Cleveland 10 miler - April 27th
Cleveland Half Marathon - May 19th
The West Branch Battle Sprint Tri - June 9th
Towpath 10-10 - June 16th
Vermillion Oly Tri - August 17th or 18th (need to confirm date)
Towpath Marathon (Full, Half or 10k) - October 7th

And now, here we are on January 23rd and things have totally changed. No need to rehash old news, but if you don't know what's happening and want to - you can read about it here and here.

So things have changed. I actually have no idea what I'm going to be able to do this year and I HATE that. If you know me personally you know that I'm a planner. I'm guessing that even if you only "know" me through this blog, you've probably come to realize I'm a planner. It's not something I hide and actually I take pride in my ability to plan things.

However, what I don't take pride in is the way I react when I can't plan (i.e. control) things.  It gets ugly people. And here we are....

Crohn's Disease sucks and it fought me almost all of 2012. Most people weren't aware and I guess you can say I was winning. I mean, even through a flare that was seemingly lasting the entire year, I was able to power through and complete almost all my fitness goals. In some ways, finishing my first 26.2 in 2012 means more to me now than it even did on October 21st. I didn't realize quite how sick I was from this disease until about December 29th...and even then I didn't have a clue. But, I digress (as usual).

So happy...

But, for now, Crohn's Disease has taken over. I will not say it has won, because it hasn't. But, for now it has taken the lead. I can't do things I was once doing (like, say, walk up the stairs without getting winded) and I can blame it completely on Crohn's Disease. Clearly I've been struggling with this. I'm trying my best to deal with the fact that after being in the hospital for 1 week and home for 2, I'm still only slightly better. Today is a good day and I'm focusing on that.

A happy, tired Oly Tri finisher....I will be this again soon...

2013 race plans..... I can't make them right now and that sucks. But, I hope that several of those races listed above become reality anyway. 2013 is likely not going to be a year of great PR's for me or a year with many races. However, 2013 is still going to be a year that has races in some capacity. It will be a year of renewal. A year of healing. Hopefully a year with no surgery and with this damn disease going back into remission.

I guess one can say this year is going to be a race of different sorts for me. A race to better health. Perhaps 2013 is going to be the year for my weight loss. Whatever it is, I am bound and determined to make 2013 a good year.

HOME!!

I have never been so happy to be home as I am right now.

Biggest pet peeve. If you have the disease or if you are a medical professional who deals with people with the disease, LEARN HOW TO SPELL IT!!

Exactly one week ago today I walked into the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus to "get some IV steroids for a few days and end this damn flare". I was actually happy to be hospitalized and hopeful that within 24 hours I would feel like a new person; and within 3-4 days I would be back home and fully in remission.

Why wouldn't I think that?? That's exactly how it went down in 2008. It got bad, the oral meds weren't helping; I went to the hospital; got better; and stayed in remission for almost 4 years.

As you all know; this is not how it went down.

The medication started late Thursday/early Friday morning (around 1AM). Friday came and went and I was still having a lot of pain and blood. Saturday came around and they sent me for a procedure to take a look. Luckily not an entire colonoscopy. However, the "prep" for the sigmoidoscopy was so painful I could barely take it. The found that my colon was "very angry!", but still had hope that the IV steroids would start to kick in.

Blood to make me feel better....vampire??

Then it was Sunday and there was still no change. In fact (as I already mentioned in my previous post), my blood counts continued to drop and they eventually gave me a blood transfusion. The blood definitely helped my energy levels and I did start to just feel better, but all the other symptoms were still there.

The doctor came to do her rounds on Monday and told me that she felt it was time to get a surgical consultation. I lost it. This flare that I thought was going to get better after a few days was now still not better, and potentially resulting in me having to have my entire colon removed.

She explained that it seems to be presenting itself as potentially "just" ulcerative colitis, which would mean that the surgery could potentially cure it. However, its currently unclear as to what my disease actually is and there is no real way for them to know until the entire colon is removed. Great.

She also said there were other medical options that we could also explore. We discussed Remicade and she told me to start researching since that has its' risks and side effects as well. This was no easy decision. No one wants to lose their entire colon, but when someone makes it sound like this could be a permanent fix - no more flares, no more medicine - it ends up sounding like a good option.

Problem was (and is) - that no one has a crystal ball. That sucks. What's the right decision? Remove my colon and find out that it actually is Crohn's and the disease comes back anyway?? Take a medication that may or may not work, that could cause cancer or other things?? Not an easy decision.

Thankfully my family was able to speak with me and made me realize that we haven't exhausted the medical options and I should not "rush" into surgery (a very serious surgery) without being more conservative first.

My mom brought me a friend on Wednesday.

So Tuesday I asked my mom and husband to come to the hospital so they could listen to the surgeon as well. They were there when the GI doctor did her rounds and it was helpful. What they heard her saying was "try Remicade first", which was not what I heard the day before (I think she changed her story when I asked her what she would have me do if I were her daughter). She was careful to never actually say, "I think you should"....but, she did say numerous times, there is nothing wrong with being conservative.

She explained that we should know if the Remicade is working within the first 3 infusions - so about 6-8 weeks from now. I was (and am) overwhelmed at the thought of still being sick for another 6-8 weeks when I let it go so long to begin with. But, I'm starting to just be hopeful that it's going to work and I'm going to start feeling better tomorrow.

So, I was discharged this morning and completed my first Remicade infusion this afternoon. I'm happy to be home and hopeful this will work. The other stressor currently is due to the fact that I am such a tough stick that I had to be given a PICC line......but I can discuss that in another post! :)

2013 Goal #1- in progress

I will apologize in advance for how this post might come through . I' m writing it using my awesome new kindle! 

Here I sit in a hospital bed at the Cleveland Clinic, working on my first goal - take care of myself . 

As I suspected, this flare that I've been trying to fight for most of 2012 finally got the best of me . Last Saturday I started to realize just how fatigued I was . I spent the bulk of my day laying on the couch & sleeping . I attempted to play soccer that night, as I usually do on Saturday nights . Now, it's no secret that I haven't been doing much activity since the marathon, but I was playing soccer every Saturday night.

Last Saturday was different though. After spending the bulk of my day doing nothing, I was so exhausted I could barely catch my breath. My chest didn't feel right and I just didn't feel good. I didn't have to work until Wednesday due to the New Year. I pretty much spent the rest of my long weekend laying around doing nothing. 

Wednesday rolled around and all I had to do for work was sit and write reports. This exhausted me. I couldn't explain it, but I just didn't feel good. I was texting with SIL and she suggested I may be anemic from all the blood loss lately. I took her advice and called my doctors office. 

A doctor who was not my normal doctor called me back that evening. That conversation wasn't much help. He basically said I was probably anemic, but that he didn't really know how to treat me since he didn't know my history (other than what he read). However, he thought it was ridiculous that they hadn't been able to get me in with anyone until the end of January. He told me that he would leave a note for the office that I must be seen. I got a call Thursday morning saying that I could be seen that afternoon. I said I will make it work. 

I went and got some blood work done prior to the appointment. Then I saw a doctor who was not my normal doctor, but he's my new favorite! I told him my story, he told me how low my blood count was and that I wouldn't be going home. well, not really, he said I should go home and pack a bag and wait for the phone call from the hospital.

I arrived here Thursday around 5ish and currently have no idea when I'm going home. They transfused me with 2 units of blood because my counts kept dropping. The blood has helped me feel better, but the Crohn's continues to be a bitch. I continue to have pain and blood, but, I suppose we're on the upswing. I knew it was going to take a hospitalization to make me better and here I am. Working on getting me healthy.

So that's what's happening with me at the moment. Hope you are all having a better start to your 2013!