Picking Up The Pieces....

....and starting from square one.

We all know how hard it is to start over, right?? I've done it so many times you would think that I would learn that starting over is simply no fun. Granted, part of the reason for this current state of starting over wasn't in my control. But some of it certainly was....and therein lies the problem. Sure, the Crohn's flare made it nearly impossible to continue to exercise; but it didn't have to mean eating like crap. Frankly, I probably would have been significantly better off during this flare had I eaten LESS and eaten healthy. But I didn't. I'm as much of an emotional eater as they come. The way I was seeing it was that if I was going to be in pain anyway, I mind as well eat what I want. Doesn't really make much sense, but emotional eating usually doesn't make sense.

So, now it's time. I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel from this damn flare. I am feeling better than I have in probably a year (although still not what I would call 100%, but close enough). Therefore, it's time to get this party started.

There's just one problem.......

I don't want to.

Yup. You heard me.

I'm having an exceptionally hard time "starting over" this time around. I'm not really sure why it is so much harder this time than in the past. I do know that I'm having a very hard time dealing with the fact that just over 5 months ago I was crossing the finish line of a marathon, and now I can barely run/walk 1 mile without feeling like I'm going to die. It's not only about the weight, but that is certainly a big factor. I have gained about 10lbs since the marathon, but I have lost every morsel of fitness I had just 5 short months ago.

Perhaps I need to change the title of my blog....I can probably no longer say that I am fat AND fit....just fat now. And that is so frustrating to me. However, instead of using that to fuel the fire and get back on track; I use it as an excuse to feed my face and continue the horrible upward battle. Emotional eating...

These are the times when I just don't want to be bothered. I want to say screw it and just live without having to think about what I'm eating. I want to convince myself that I don't care that I'm fat and that life would be better if I just stopped worrying about it. But, that will never be the case. I will never be the happy fat person. So, I need to just do it. I need to get over the fact that it isn't fair, the fact that I will forever have to think about what I eat, the fact that this will be a lifelong journey; and JUST DO IT!

So, it's Monday...and it's April 1st. A fresh start. Today is yet another Day 1. Let's see how long this one lasts....

Healing

It's amazing what you want to do when you can't do it, right?? Kind of like dieting - tell me I CAN'T have something and I want it more than anything. Part of why I struggle so much with losing weight. That's why I need to learn that I can have whatever it is I want....just in moderation.

But, right now, I can't have my training. I can't have trying to run faster and/or farther. I can't work on my swimming at a level to improve my speed or fitness. And when I am able (hopefully sooner rather than later), I will be starting over. This thought is a little defeating and I believe is making it that much harder to get RE-started.

2012 was a tough year in many ways. But 2013 has already proven to be even more difficult. I feel like I just can't get a break. I am improving, yes. But, it feels like just when I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel I have another setback.

I got my PICC line removed a little over 2 weeks ago now. My arm was a little sore after it was removed, but I figured that is normal since something was in my vein for the last 2+ weeks. But then, rather than getting better, my arm seemed to be getting worse....probably not a good thing. Nothing huge, but just sore and the soreness is actually moving down my arm (which is weird since the PICC line goes up - like to your shoulder). Anyway, so I call my doctor last week to tell him about it and he suggests I go to an urgent care or ER to be seen to make sure it's not infected. I go to the urgent care and he doesn't think it's infected (a good thing), but wants me to get a CT scan to make sure it's nothing else (like a blood clot that's going to break loose and end up in my lung....wonderful)! The good news?? The CT scan showed no abnormalities so I guess it's good to go. The bad news?? It's still bothering me. It does seem to be getting better, but more than 2 weeks after it being removed I feel like I shouldn't even know I had anything in my arm at all! Just annoying.

The good news is that my blood counts finally seem to be improving....ever so slightly...but improving. This will help my energy level, which is better, but still nowhere near 100%.

I have decided that I need to start moving past this. Yes, I need to let my body heal and I need to not push myself too much. But, I think I need to push a little. I have done nothing exercise-wise for nearly 2 months now. I need to figure out what I can do and start doing it. I think I will start by walking on my treadmill.

In addition, I said before that perhaps 2013 will be my year for my weight loss. Over the last 2+ years I have attempted to lose weight by focusing more on my fitness than my diet. Clearly, it hasn't worked in the way that I had hoped. It always works for a little bit. I focus on my activity AND my diet for a period of time, lose some weight and start to feel good. Then, my diet starts to slip and I decide it's not that big of a deal because I'm still running, biking, swimming, etc.

Well, this year it's going to take me some time to get my activity level back up to where it once was. This could be very dangerous. Think about it. If I can exercise 5+ hours per week and still not lose weight easily, what happens when I can only workout 3+ hours per week at a lower intensity?!?! A recipe for potential weight gain disaster! So, the focus must switch to my diet.

Today is the day. It all RE-starts today. My main focus is on my diet. I plan to start exercising this week as well, but I'm still weaker than usual. I am going to start with walking on the treadmill 2-3 times this week. I'm not even going to pinpoint an amount of time to stay on the treadmill. Sure, I'd like to say at least 30 minutes for 2-3 days, but that may not be realistic. So, I'll see how it goes and take it from there.

But, I'm back. I haven't been blogging because I feel like I have nothing to blog about. I haven't been doing anything, but trying to let my body heal. Now it's the time to get serious and start being a more active participant in letting my body heal!

2013 Race Plans

I believe I started writing this post on January 1st. I mean, what better day to start planning my 2013 than on New Year's Day!?!?

We'll start with the very little of that blog post that I started......

Guess what I did yesterday??? I made a training calendar to get myself back on the wagon! The other night I started looking at races to put on my calendar for this year. What I'm listing now is what I've made so far, but I hope to add a few more. Problem is, racing is not cheap. And, distance racing is even more expensive! It'd be one thing if I wanted to do a bunch of 5k's, but no, I like to do 10k's and above.

So, here is the list of races I have on my wish list thus far:

Twinsburg Indoor Triathlon - February 17th
Towpath Half Marathon - April 7th
Cleveland 10 miler - April 27th
Cleveland Half Marathon - May 19th
The West Branch Battle Sprint Tri - June 9th
Towpath 10-10 - June 16th
Vermillion Oly Tri - August 17th or 18th (need to confirm date)
Towpath Marathon (Full, Half or 10k) - October 7th

And now, here we are on January 23rd and things have totally changed. No need to rehash old news, but if you don't know what's happening and want to - you can read about it here and here.

So things have changed. I actually have no idea what I'm going to be able to do this year and I HATE that. If you know me personally you know that I'm a planner. I'm guessing that even if you only "know" me through this blog, you've probably come to realize I'm a planner. It's not something I hide and actually I take pride in my ability to plan things.

However, what I don't take pride in is the way I react when I can't plan (i.e. control) things.  It gets ugly people. And here we are....

Crohn's Disease sucks and it fought me almost all of 2012. Most people weren't aware and I guess you can say I was winning. I mean, even through a flare that was seemingly lasting the entire year, I was able to power through and complete almost all my fitness goals. In some ways, finishing my first 26.2 in 2012 means more to me now than it even did on October 21st. I didn't realize quite how sick I was from this disease until about December 29th...and even then I didn't have a clue. But, I digress (as usual).

So happy...

But, for now, Crohn's Disease has taken over. I will not say it has won, because it hasn't. But, for now it has taken the lead. I can't do things I was once doing (like, say, walk up the stairs without getting winded) and I can blame it completely on Crohn's Disease. Clearly I've been struggling with this. I'm trying my best to deal with the fact that after being in the hospital for 1 week and home for 2, I'm still only slightly better. Today is a good day and I'm focusing on that.

A happy, tired Oly Tri finisher....I will be this again soon...

2013 race plans..... I can't make them right now and that sucks. But, I hope that several of those races listed above become reality anyway. 2013 is likely not going to be a year of great PR's for me or a year with many races. However, 2013 is still going to be a year that has races in some capacity. It will be a year of renewal. A year of healing. Hopefully a year with no surgery and with this damn disease going back into remission.

I guess one can say this year is going to be a race of different sorts for me. A race to better health. Perhaps 2013 is going to be the year for my weight loss. Whatever it is, I am bound and determined to make 2013 a good year.

HOME!!

I have never been so happy to be home as I am right now.

Biggest pet peeve. If you have the disease or if you are a medical professional who deals with people with the disease, LEARN HOW TO SPELL IT!!

Exactly one week ago today I walked into the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus to "get some IV steroids for a few days and end this damn flare". I was actually happy to be hospitalized and hopeful that within 24 hours I would feel like a new person; and within 3-4 days I would be back home and fully in remission.

Why wouldn't I think that?? That's exactly how it went down in 2008. It got bad, the oral meds weren't helping; I went to the hospital; got better; and stayed in remission for almost 4 years.

As you all know; this is not how it went down.

The medication started late Thursday/early Friday morning (around 1AM). Friday came and went and I was still having a lot of pain and blood. Saturday came around and they sent me for a procedure to take a look. Luckily not an entire colonoscopy. However, the "prep" for the sigmoidoscopy was so painful I could barely take it. The found that my colon was "very angry!", but still had hope that the IV steroids would start to kick in.

Blood to make me feel better....vampire??

Then it was Sunday and there was still no change. In fact (as I already mentioned in my previous post), my blood counts continued to drop and they eventually gave me a blood transfusion. The blood definitely helped my energy levels and I did start to just feel better, but all the other symptoms were still there.

The doctor came to do her rounds on Monday and told me that she felt it was time to get a surgical consultation. I lost it. This flare that I thought was going to get better after a few days was now still not better, and potentially resulting in me having to have my entire colon removed.

She explained that it seems to be presenting itself as potentially "just" ulcerative colitis, which would mean that the surgery could potentially cure it. However, its currently unclear as to what my disease actually is and there is no real way for them to know until the entire colon is removed. Great.

She also said there were other medical options that we could also explore. We discussed Remicade and she told me to start researching since that has its' risks and side effects as well. This was no easy decision. No one wants to lose their entire colon, but when someone makes it sound like this could be a permanent fix - no more flares, no more medicine - it ends up sounding like a good option.

Problem was (and is) - that no one has a crystal ball. That sucks. What's the right decision? Remove my colon and find out that it actually is Crohn's and the disease comes back anyway?? Take a medication that may or may not work, that could cause cancer or other things?? Not an easy decision.

Thankfully my family was able to speak with me and made me realize that we haven't exhausted the medical options and I should not "rush" into surgery (a very serious surgery) without being more conservative first.

My mom brought me a friend on Wednesday.

So Tuesday I asked my mom and husband to come to the hospital so they could listen to the surgeon as well. They were there when the GI doctor did her rounds and it was helpful. What they heard her saying was "try Remicade first", which was not what I heard the day before (I think she changed her story when I asked her what she would have me do if I were her daughter). She was careful to never actually say, "I think you should"....but, she did say numerous times, there is nothing wrong with being conservative.

She explained that we should know if the Remicade is working within the first 3 infusions - so about 6-8 weeks from now. I was (and am) overwhelmed at the thought of still being sick for another 6-8 weeks when I let it go so long to begin with. But, I'm starting to just be hopeful that it's going to work and I'm going to start feeling better tomorrow.

So, I was discharged this morning and completed my first Remicade infusion this afternoon. I'm happy to be home and hopeful this will work. The other stressor currently is due to the fact that I am such a tough stick that I had to be given a PICC line......but I can discuss that in another post! :)

2013 Goal #1- in progress

I will apologize in advance for how this post might come through . I' m writing it using my awesome new kindle! 

Here I sit in a hospital bed at the Cleveland Clinic, working on my first goal - take care of myself . 

As I suspected, this flare that I've been trying to fight for most of 2012 finally got the best of me . Last Saturday I started to realize just how fatigued I was . I spent the bulk of my day laying on the couch & sleeping . I attempted to play soccer that night, as I usually do on Saturday nights . Now, it's no secret that I haven't been doing much activity since the marathon, but I was playing soccer every Saturday night.

Last Saturday was different though. After spending the bulk of my day doing nothing, I was so exhausted I could barely catch my breath. My chest didn't feel right and I just didn't feel good. I didn't have to work until Wednesday due to the New Year. I pretty much spent the rest of my long weekend laying around doing nothing. 

Wednesday rolled around and all I had to do for work was sit and write reports. This exhausted me. I couldn't explain it, but I just didn't feel good. I was texting with SIL and she suggested I may be anemic from all the blood loss lately. I took her advice and called my doctors office. 

A doctor who was not my normal doctor called me back that evening. That conversation wasn't much help. He basically said I was probably anemic, but that he didn't really know how to treat me since he didn't know my history (other than what he read). However, he thought it was ridiculous that they hadn't been able to get me in with anyone until the end of January. He told me that he would leave a note for the office that I must be seen. I got a call Thursday morning saying that I could be seen that afternoon. I said I will make it work. 

I went and got some blood work done prior to the appointment. Then I saw a doctor who was not my normal doctor, but he's my new favorite! I told him my story, he told me how low my blood count was and that I wouldn't be going home. well, not really, he said I should go home and pack a bag and wait for the phone call from the hospital.

I arrived here Thursday around 5ish and currently have no idea when I'm going home. They transfused me with 2 units of blood because my counts kept dropping. The blood has helped me feel better, but the Crohn's continues to be a bitch. I continue to have pain and blood, but, I suppose we're on the upswing. I knew it was going to take a hospitalization to make me better and here I am. Working on getting me healthy.

So that's what's happening with me at the moment. Hope you are all having a better start to your 2013!

13 in 2013

Well, here it is....New Year's Eve 2012. I suppose now is as good a time as any to put my 2013 goals out there, huh?? I've been thinking about them for a while, but haven't started writing any down. I have no idea if I can actually come up with 13, but I thought attempting to highlight 13 goals to complete in 2013 might be fun. However, due to the fact that I usually only pick a few goals (last year it was 3 - blog, Olympic tri, marathon), some of these 13 will probably be "small".

So, here's goes nothing......

1. Take care of myself. Wow! Yes, this is a BIG goal and can mean SO many things. But, if we want to be more specific, I need to start 2013 by actually getting this damn Crohn's disease back into remission. Some might say I've been trying to do that this entire year (since I first started flaring in March); but that's not really true. I felt the best when I was eating right and losing weight in August/September. But, since the marathon, I haven't been taking care of myself at all. My fault. Even if it means starting 2013 with a short stay in the hospital, I will do what it takes to get healthy again.

2. Lose some weight. Ya know, everything you read says that you should make specific, measurable goals. However, I always start my year off with wanting to lose Xlbs in X amount of time and ya know what?? I NEVER succeed. I put a ton of pressure on myself and when I'm not perfect, I sabotage myself even further. It's messed up, yes, but it's what I do. So this year I'm just going to say I need to lose some weight. Sure, my goal is to lose about 50-60lbs and I think it's totally doable that I can accomplish that in 2013. But isn't it better to just say "lose some weight", that way when 2014 rolls around and I'm "only" 10 or 20lbs smaller I can still see that as a success??? Well, I think it's better.

3. Work towards a 2:30 half marathon and PR a half marathon in 2013. I don't think 2013 is the year for my 2:30 half. I think I'm too far from it for it to be realistic. However, I think I can make it my running focus this year and I think that I can at least PR (faster than 2:41).

4. Complete at least 1 sprint triathlon. I started "doing triathlons" in 2011. However, I still have a hard time calling myself a triathlete because in that time I've done exactly 1 sprint, 1 Olympic and 1 indoor tri. So this summer I'd like to enjoy the sport and start working on improving myself even in the smallest distance.

5. Complete at least 1 Olympic triathlon. See above. Ohio is a tough state to try to be a triathlete. The season is so short that it's tough to have the time to train and get multiple races in. Not to mention the cost! So, this year I hope to complete at least 2 triathlons in my race season.

6. Eat out less. This is something we really need to do as a family and I need to do on my own. We spend way too much money eating out. Just think of how many more races I can do if we didn't eat out so much! :)

7. Spend less money. Well, except for race entry fees! :)

8. Volunteer at the kids school more. I'm hoping to have more time in 2013 to do this. Of course, some of it I just don't like so we're not going to go crazy with volunteering! :)

9. Learn to chill. This is no small goal. I am anxious. A lot. More so lately than I've ever been. I am a total control freak and this causes many problems for me. I'm planning to make some changes in 2013 that I think might help me with this; but I still have to look at learning how to relax. Like the serenity prayer states, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."

10. Don't fall off the wagon the last 1-3 months of the year (or the first 1-3 months for that matter)! This is another, "not small" goal. Each and every year (as many of us do), I completely fall off the wagon between October and December. Last year was my best year and it took me until almost the end of December to fall off the wagon. My lowest weight of 2011 happened in November (I believe) and I only started 2012 3 pounds heavier than that lowest weight. However, I then fell off the wagon for the last few weeks of 2011 and couldn't get back on until probably April 2012...again. So, I need to work on not falling off at ALL since getting back on seems to take me quite a while!

And yes, these 13 goals are a little harder than I thought. Only 3 more to go though.

11. Find a new distance race for another instant PR. I've started making my 2013 race "wish list", but I really would like to add another race on there of a distance I've never done. Perhaps a 15k would be fun. Or perhaps a 30k.

12. Lose enough weight to run another marathon (even if the marathon doesn't happen until 2014)....and PR. If you recall, I promised myself (and my family) that I would not attempt another marathon "at this weight". However, I did not provide an exact weight where I have to be in order to attempt another marathon. I'm still not sure what I want that number to be. It's less the number and more about what's happening with my body and fitness. If I lose 20lbs, but have completed a 2:30 half marathon and have increased my running time to an 11-12 minute mile consistently, perhaps I'll decide to tackle the marathon distance again. So, this goal really goes with goal #2....but I guess it's putting more specific parameters on it.

13. Consistently improve my running (and fitness in general) and keep improving until Jan. 1, 2014 (and then continue to improve after that). Yea, this is basically a repeat of #10, but more specifically with my running and fitness. #10 was really about my diet and this is the other aspect.

So, there you have it. My 2013 goals. Some big. Some not so big. All important to me. They are not nearly as specific as the experts recommend, but sometimes I think when my goals are too specific I set myself up for failure. And now that I'm on a roll I can think of more goals....like not being so hard on myself and be proud of what I do accomplish! That might come with goal #9....

Happy New Year to all of you! Tell me...what are some of your 2013 goals??

2012 Goals Revisited

I don't believe in making New Year Resolutions. I never really have. Every January for the last 10-15 years I've probably wanted to lose weight. I didn't necessarily call it my resolution to do so since making it a resolution wouldn't make it stick any more than just saying, "I STILL need to lose this damn weight!"

I obviously have not yet figured out what WILL make it stick so that one of these years my thoughts come January can be, "I just need to maintain my weight", but I continue to try to figure that out.

Perhaps 2013 will be the year for THAT! Ok, so for the last few years I started picking fitness related goals to focus on throughout the year instead of just saying that I need to lose weight. It didn't necessarily work to help me lose (and keep off) weight, but it did help me increase my fitness and health overall. Let's see how I did with my 2012 goals, shall we??

1) Start a blog....CHECK! (yes, I know not totally fitness related, but it was still a big goal and one that I met!)

2) Complete my first Olympic distance Triathlon.....CHECK!

3) Complete my first marathon....CHECK!

4) Complete as many races in 2012 as I did from when I started (2007) until 2011....Not quite, but came close!


Overall, a pretty successful year with meeting my big goals. As I've said before on the blog, I thought the number of races between 2007 and 2011 was 10, but it turned out it was actually 11. I am ending 2012 with having completed 9 races. Yes. I was 1 race short from the number I had had in my mind all year and only 2 short from meeting my goal. It was a little stupid that I didn't meet this goal. I easily could have met this goal and frankly, I was going to try to make it a nice even 12 in 2012 since I was so close. But, then the lovely post-big race depression hit and I have done very little since finishing the marathon in October. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been dealing with normal life stresses well lately (like finding the time to fit it all in).

I'm starting to really think about some 2013 goals. I guess it's about time since it'll be 2013 in less than a week! Honestly it's tough to start thinking about these goals when I've been in such a rut. But, starting to think about my goals is helping me to come out of it a bit. I'm starting to look forward to working towards something again.

The frustrating thing...and perhaps something that I need to figure out how to change....is that every year I fall off the wagon so hard that I spend so much time working back up to where I was that I can't meet some of the goals I would like to make. Anyone following me?? For example; a goal that I have now had for over a year is to have a 2:30 half marathon finish time. This would require me to shave 11 minutes off my current half marathon PR. That's a lot, folks! Clearly, this would take work and dedication. However, I also haven't hit the 2:41 time (or anywhere near it) since November 2011 when I was apparently at my "prime". There's a part of me that would like to make "run a 2:30 half marathon" a 2013 goal, but I am thinking that's probably not a realistic goal (at all) given how hard I've once again fallen off the wagon.

Next up....2013 goals.....