Post Marathon Blues (& Reds)

Ugh...I've been working on this darn post all week. This is just a sign of how things have been going.

But the good news is that I have my official marathon pics to bombard  you with today!

I realize I haven't been blogging that long, and I believe most people who read this blog are my friends and relatives. But for the few readers I may have lurking out there who don't know me in real life, I'm guessing by now they have probably realized that when I go days in between blog posts it's because I'm struggling and don't know what to talk about.

My absolute favorite pic. In the 'Shoe....

As it is, I feel like more of my posts are negative or talk about how this is so hard and I'm just really sick of being a broken record. But, this blog is honest and real, if nothing else. Am I perfect? Far from it. Did this blog miraculously make me change and stick to my healthy eating and exercise? Nope. But, it does keep me coming back. I enjoy blogging. It is therapeutic for me in ways. So I guess I won't worry about being a broken record and will just write what I need to write.

Prior to the marathon I worried about experiencing the "post marathon blues". The time after the marathon where you realize that you worked for 6 months to achieve this goal and, now what?? I was excited the week after the marathon to realize that I didn't feel sad at all! I was still riding on my high and excited for what was to come. I had started thinking about what's next and was making plans to achieve that.

I was struggling, but still have a smile on my face!

Fast forward to now and I realize that I am, in fact, experiencing the "post race blues". Call it whatever you like, but ever since the marathon I have been struggling. In every aspect of the word.

The races that I did the first 2 weeks after the marathon were a blessing because I actually worked out those weeks.Yup. It's THAT bad. Last weekend I was planning to do the Turkey Trot in a city near me, but when I realized on Friday night that I hadn't registered yet; I decided to pass. If it weren't for playing soccer, I would have gotten no physical activity last week.

I can't even discuss eating. It's been anything but good, and I can't seem to get back on track.

To make matters worse, my Crohn's has been flaring again. Perhaps it was the marathon; perhaps my current stress level, but whatever it is; my stomach doesn't like it. This causes a nasty cycle. (and is where the "red" in the title comes from. lovely...I know). It's very emotional for me when I don't feel well. And then everything else goes by the wayside.

And, as if I need more things, I have been very stressed lately with having too much to do and not enough time to do it in (I know, don't we all??). But, I haven't been dealing with it well. I have a much needed vacation coming up and I plan to take full advantage of it. When my vacation ends, it's time to get SERIOUS.

Call it what you will, but I know myself and I know what's realistic or what is just going to cause guilt. I know that I'm not going to get 100% back on track until after my vacation. I know that between 2 Thanksgivings and a vacation, I will not get enough on track to really call it being back on track. I know that even if I have a few good days here and there that it won't be "perfect". So, I'm not going to make a big declaration right now about how I'm going to get back on track, yadda yadda. I will try to be better. I will try to get some more activity in; but I will ENJOY myself as much as I can. I will make this decision consciously and NOT feel any guilt about it. The guilt is what gets me every time.

So, there you have it. Confession done. Moving on....

Crohn's Disease

I'm thinking that I've probably mentioned this somewhere on my blog, at some time, but I can't remember for sure. And, since I'm fairly certain that the majority of people who read this blog are people who know me personally, you all probably already know this. But anyway...I have Crohn's Disease. I was diagnosed in 2006 after having Robbie and experiencing symptoms throughout my pregnancy. I experienced symptoms throughout my pregnancy with Mary as well, but they went away immediately after having her (like while I was still in the hospital) and didn't come back (well, till pregnant with Robbie), so I never got it checked out back then.

Little did I know that the symptoms I experienced with my pregnancies were really NOTHING compared to what Crohn's can do. And frankly, I know little now (thank God). But I know more than I used to (unfortunately).

I'm bringing this up now because 2012 has been a rough year for me and my lovely Crohn's. But, let's give some background for those who don't know the gritty details. Yup. I'm sure you all really want to know all about my Crohnsing....if you don't, move on...there's nothing to read here! ; )

So, as I was saying, in 2006 after giving birth to Robbie I was still having issues. I wasn't having any pain perse, just things no one wants to talk about happening in the bathroom. My OB was well aware of these problems because they started around my 20th week of pregnancy with Robbie (and around my 17th week of pregnancy with Mary). No pain, just a red toilet EVERY time I attempted to go...not something a pregnant woman wants to see when she's on the toilet! Let me tell you how much it freaked me out the first time it happened! TMI?? Yup...if you're still reading there will be more of that!

With Mary the bleeding literally stopped in the hospital the minute she was born. The first...ah-hem..."movement" I had after she was born was totally and completely normal. I almost forgot what one of those looked like! I never experienced the other stuff again so I thought nothing of it (as did my doctors). Fast forward to my pregnancy with Robbie. It started happening again, but this time it took a few more weeks to show up. I was less freaked since it had happened before. My doctors tried all sorts of things thinking it must be internal hemorrhoids or something. Nothing ever "cleared it up". My OB decided it was just due to pressure on the bladder and what not and that as long as I'm not having problems due to it, we'll just monitor and see what happens after the baby was born.

I was expecting the same thing would happen and it would go away. But, 6 weeks after Robbie was born I went for my OB check up. It was still happening...with every movement. He decided to send me to a gastroenterologist for a consult. I went to that doc. They asked me a bunch of questions. Examined me and told me I had to get a colonoscopy to check things out. Ugh.

My colonoscopy was scheduled for November 1, 2006. For anyone who knows anything about colonoscopies, you know that you have to fast for the day before the procedure. And I had to do that on Halloween...with 2 kids (granted, 1 of them wasn't eating yet, but STILL)! But I digress....

I went to my colonoscopy and had one of the worst experiences of my life. The stuff they give you for the "twilight sleep" did nothing and I was awake, aware and crying through the entire procedure. Fun times.

After the procedure my doctor came to tell me that it "looks like I have Crohn's Disease". He said it with this somber look on his face, like he was diagnosing me with cancer or something. I had no idea what this meant and no idea why it was such a big deal. I'll come to learn - but it'll take me a while. He explained why it was Crohn's and not colitis (apparently it has to do with where the inflammation is and that there were healthy parts of the colon in between the inflamed parts - whatever - it meant nothing to me).

He gave me all sorts of medications and sent me on my way.

I recall that the inflammation cleared up relatively quickly once we figured out what it was and started treating it. I felt back to normal relatively quickly, which didn't help the cause of actually believing that I had some horrible life-long disease.

The medication I was prescribed was supposed to be taken 3 times per day. Yea...right. 1 time per day, easy...2 times per day...even doable. But 3 times per day...forgettaboutit! I took it diligently for a while. I felt better. Then, I'd miss a dose here...miss a dose there...and I would still feel fine. I started doubting that I had this horrible disease. I mean, how can I have this terrible disease, miss my medication, and still feel totally normal?? Little did I know....

In July 2007 we traveled to North Carolina for a family vacation. This is only important because I specifically remember that I forgot to take my medication for this ENTIRE week long trip. When we got back to town and I still felt totally fine after an entire week of no meds, I decided I didn't really need to take them anymore. Stupid? Ya think?? July 2007 stopped taking meds; June 2008 hospitalized for 4 days. Took a while, but consequences happened.

The flare that I experienced in 2008 was something I wasn't prepared for (obviously). It took me probably a month or so before I even realized what was wrong with me. At that point the only symptoms I had were during my pregnancies and those were not the symptoms I was experiencing this time. This time I was having severe stomach cramps and pain. The stuff in the bathroom wasn't necessarily pretty; but it wasn't red like it was all the time during my pregnancies. But, after a month of having an upset stomach; it dawned on me that perhaps this is something more than a stomach ache. I made an appointment with my doctor. He decided that since it had been 2 years since my first colonoscopy and given my symptoms, it was time for colonoscopy #2. And, enter another "worst" experience of my life. If I thought my first colonoscopy was bad, I didn't have a clue! There were issues with the doctor that I won't even get in to (talking to a nurse at the door while about to start my procedure). Then, the same thing with the drugs happened and again, I was awake and aware the entire time and in so much pain I couldn't control my crying. The results of the colonoscopy showed inflammation (duh!), so my doctor put me on steroids and sent me on my way. The difference between him and my first doctor was like night and day. First guy talked to me like he was giving me a death sentence and this guy talked so fast through the steroid stuff that my head was spinning...like it was no big deal.

I started on my lovely cocktail of medications and was hopeful that this would stop the pain. Would stop the midnight wake up calls from my stomach screaming at me. But it didn't. It continued to get worse. Now, I would have to lay down between doing things while getting ready for work because I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes. My mornings would go a little like this: wake up, sit on the toilet, think about showering, go to the bathroom again, get in the shower, dry myself off, go lay down because now I'm exhausted, get back to the bathroom, brush my hair, lay down, go to the bathroom....you get the idea. At some point in this routine I also had to get 2 kids ready to go to daycare and go to work. I would make it through my workday, but then repeat the routine at night. Eventually I called my doctor to ask him how long the steroids were supposed to take to kick in. He told me to pack a bag and go to the hospital. And there I sat. At the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus for 4 days. I had IV steroids going through my veins while they did other tests as well. The steroids worked wonders; but also did a number on my weight and my face.

But, after this hospital stay and finally being weened off the steroids, I was back to 100%. This time I was prescribed a medication I could take once a day. I took my medications diligently. But, for no reason (or so they say), and without warning....after nearly 4 years with no flare-ups whatsoever, my stomach starts to hurt in March this year. Again, it takes me a good 2 weeks to realize that these aren't just stomach aches that come and go. That they are probably Crohn's.

Even though I've now had this disease for 6 years, it's still new to me. In those 6 years I have only had 2 flares, so knowing when I'm having a flare is still a learning experience. I waited too long again before seeing my doctor this time. It was May before I saw him the first time. My colonoscopy this time didn't get scheduled until July. However, this time I got smart and asked to be totally put out for the procedure. I had to go to main campus, which was a pain, but I will do it every time! Made it a much more pleasant experience!

This time around I told my doctor I would really prefer not to be treated with steroids. He obliged and upped the dosage of my current meds and added another one. Of course increasing my dosage meant going from one time a day to 3 times a day again...and we all know how good I am with that. I have struggled all year with my Crohn's.

I'm writing this post today because today has been really bad. Today was bad enough that I even considered calling off sick to work. I have never yet called off work due to Crohn's. I've been struggling with my eating since the marathon and my Crohn's has been going crazy since that time as well. I think my body is telling me that it likes it significantly better when I'm not only eating healthy, but exercising. Another thing I've been struggling with since the marathon is working out. I've worked out once a week for the 2 weeks since the marathon. Not good. I think my body is in shock at the sudden change.

All the more reason why I need to realize that 2012 was a big year for me. I still managed to accomplish both of my big goals (Olympic triathlon & marathon) while dealing with Crohn's Disease in a way I haven't really had to deal with it yet. I managed to meet those goals in spite of this annoying disease. Now I need to shift my focus with getting back on track from wanting to do it for weight loss; to wanting to do it because the best I've felt all year was back in my first 2 weeks of re-joining weight watchers in August/September.

Ok. If anyone is still reading this; thanks. Sorry I went on for so long. 6 years is a long back-story. But now you know all about my Crohn's Disease.

Women Who Run

Saturday I was registered to run in the first Women Who Run race in Cleveland. It was billed as a women's only race with all things a woman would want about a race. They had 2 distances, a 1 mile "fun run" and 4 mile run. They were providing finisher's medals to all who finished (both distances), which I had a couple of feelings about (we'll get there). They had women's cut tech tee's, which I know most women like because they are cut smaller. But, I frankly can't stand most women's tech tee's because even the XL is skin tight on me and makes me feel....well....more than XL! But, when I registered for this race, the shirts actually went up to an XXL. As much as I HATE ordering that size, I knew that would mean that I would actually have at least 1 race shirt that fits me right now. I was happy about that. And, I was right. The shirt fits with a little bit of room. Although I'm not a fan of the white shirt.

I was contemplating inviting Mary to come do this race with me since we had such a good time last week. But then she was complaining of a headache on Friday and I thought she could use to sleep in. Also, the race was 4 miles and although she plans to do the turkey trot with me on Thanksgiving, I wasn't sure if she was ready for 4 miles just a week after her first ever 5k. So, I went it alone. I've been doing more and more races alone lately and honestly, I don't like it. I've run several races by myself over the last few years, but I've almost always at least gone with someone. It makes it so much more fun to have someone there with you...even if you don't run the actual race together. Of course the BEST time is when you go with someone AND run the race together (which is probably why I had SO much fun with my daughter last week). I swear I think I was the only one at the race on Saturday that didn't come with a friend or family member. It made me a little sad. Anyway....

The race started at the Galleria (again, same starting place as last week). They had their own little "expo" happening in the Galleria before the race. I saw a shirt I liked and probably would have bought it if I didn't leave my money in the car! The shirt said "I know I'm slow...Get Over It!" I hesitate buying something like that because I hope to become not so slow one of these days, but I figure even when I'm not so slow in my book, I'll still be slow compared to LOTS of other runners! As I'm waiting for 9AM to roll around and standing there by myself. The DJ person makes an announcement that the race has actually been changed to a 5k. Apparently the President was going to be at Burke Lakefront Airport so we needed to get done faster. I was a little bummed because frankly, I don't really like 5k's. Of course, around mile 2 I was quite happy that I was MORE than halfway done! 

I went into this race with no goals. I had thought about trying to run the entire thing with no walk breaks, but honestly, I haven't run at all since the 5k last Saturday (yea...it's been THAT bad). So, I knew that likely wasn't a realistic expectation. When it was supposed to be 4 miles, I also knew that I would likely not beat my current 4 mile PR so it's not like that was a realistic goal either. As I started running I was deciding in my head how to cover the distance. This is never a good idea! I should have known that! I started with thinking that perhaps I should just to run to mile 1, take a 1 minute walk break, run to mile 2, walk break, etc. So, I didn't take a walk break until mile 1. I finished the first mile in about 11:06. I was pretty happy with that. But, apparently that was a little too fast. I took about 2 or maybe 3 walk breaks in the 2nd mile and took a little over 12 to finish the 2nd mile (I think). At this point I started thinking that I should just try to beat my time from last week. What's funny about this was that for some reason I had 36:16 in my head. I got the numbers mixed up. I looked at my watch when 30 minutes had elapsed and was then getting discouraged because I didn't think I could finish by 36 minutes. Therefore, I was about to end this race having not met a single (non-existent) goal. This is why I need to have a plan BEFORE the race; otherwise I make goals "on the fly" and still get discouraged if I don't meet them. 

I crossed the finish line and the clock said something under 37 minutes, but I didn't pay close attention. I was still feeling a little defeated because, as I said last week, I was proud of the fact that when I ran with Mary I felt like I could have gone faster without her. I was thinking on Saturday that this obviously wasn't true and I just ran this 5k SLOWER than when I ran it with her. At some point it dawned on me that Mary and I didn't finish in 36:16 last week, we finished in 38 something...Drew and Robbie had finished in 36 something (and it wasn't 16). I felt significantly better. My official time was 36:40...and when I compared it to last week, it was almost 2 minutes faster...and only 5 seconds slower than Drew and Robbie's time last week. And I know this wasn't my best race by far. I struggled. I've been struggling a lot lately (go figure); so in the end I felt pretty good about this race. 

This race marked my 9th one of 2012. I have now decided that I am going to change my goal to completing 11 races in 2012 since 11 was actually the number of races I had completed in my life up to December 2011. Of course, there is a part of me that is now thinking if I do 11, I mind as well even it out to 12 races - one for each month of 2012. And besides, 12 races in 2012...kind of has a ring to it....no??

And Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

First of all, I hope that all of you have faired well through this crazy Hurricane Sandy. I'm happy to say that we were barely effected by it...and for that I'm feeling thankful.

 

So, after a week of posting wonderfully positive things and basking in my post-marathon glory I find myself back to reality. Ugh. I so wanted this post to be uber positive like all my other ones have been in the last week, but it wouldn't be honest if it was.

I'm having a hard time getting back on track.

I'm sure this is completely normal and I will kick it; but there you have it...I'm completely back to normal and it's frustrating.

I found the mental strength to not only finish a marathon, but to do so while feeling happy and accomplished through each and every mile. I was able to remain positive even when I literally felt like my legs wouldn't keep going. So why is it that I continue to struggle so much with my mentality when it comes to eating?? Why is it so hard to stay positive and keep the finish line in my thoughts?

Hmmm...that analogy just helped slightly. Perhaps the reason why it is SO hard is because that finish line seems insurmountable. 26.2 miles was difficult, but I never really doubted that I would make it. Sure. I doubted that I would make it in under 7 hours, but I always knew that I could cover the distance of 26.2 miles. I think I continue to struggle with truly believing that I can cross this finish line of losing 50+lbs. Silly though, because I have lost 40 before. So, if I know I can lose 40, why don't I believe I can lose 50?

I can't express how much this blog is helping though. Just being able to put my thoughts on paper the computer makes me realize things that perhaps I hadn't thought of.

The other day I was looking at my official finisher pics and some of them just disgusted me. (if you're interested you can see them all here) I remember telling my mom that looking at those pictures made me feel like losing 50lbs still wouldn't be enough to make a difference. And therein lies the problem! This journey feels so difficult because a)I feel like I will never make it to the finish line and b) that even if I do make it across the line, it won't be enough. Ugh.

I know my doctor said that 160lbs would be a good weight for me to be at and I know that I said that I felt great about that because it felt attainable. However, the issue now is that when I looked at those pictures of me I felt like I looked MORE than 50lbs overweight. Jeesh....I need to take the marathon positivity and move it to my eating. Perhaps I need to find a picture of me from when I weighed around 160lbs, to realize that it WILL be enough.

So, I'm struggling. But, I'm working on it. Tomorrow's a new day. I am thinking about changing my meetings/weigh in days to Wednesdays. I didn't go to a meeting tonight or anything, but I'm thinking tomorrow starts day 1 of the week and I'll just wait until next Wednesday to go to my next meeting. Perhaps that'll help my psyche. If I can actually get back on track tomorrow (and stay that way); I should be able to see a loss (even if it's slight) on the scale by next Wednesday.

And with that I'll leave you. I don't feel much like talking about this.

What's Next??

And now for the million dollar question......

Will you do another one?!?!?

The short answer....MOST DEFINITELY!

Is there a long answer? Come on...you have to have learned by now that there is ALWAYS a long answer with me. (course, I guess if there wasn't I wouldn't have had a reason to start this blog).

As I already discussed at length in my last post; I enjoyed every second of this marathon. There is no way that I don't want to experience that again! However, there are things I need to consider prior to toeing the start line of my next marathon. (that's a great saying...toeing the start line....it's hilarious to me only because I will never actually line up on the start line! I will always be in the back of the pack, but I still like it so I'm gonna use it!)

As I was saying...changes have to occur prior to conquering my next marathon. Prior to this marathon I made myself a promise. While I was suffering through my last long run, I felt like I would never again want to train for a marathon. However, I also know myself well enough to know that when I lose my weight and when I become a better runner; I won't want my marathon time to forever be almost 7 hours (at the time I was not feeling very confident about finishing in anything under 6:59:59). So even though I had no idea how I would feel during or after the marathon, I pretty much knew I wouldn't do only one.

I asked my mom during this run if she would willing to support me through another training session. But, I told her that I would wait until I was completing half marathons in something like 2 hours. Ok, that is NOT going to happen. That wasn't a promise I made! I don't know that I'm EVER going to finish a half marathon in 2 hours. But, it goes to the promise I have since made to myself.

I will not do another marathon at my current weight.

That's as far as I've gotten in my promise. I'm not going to pinpoint a certain weight and say I have to weigh 1xx prior to doing a marathon, because I'm known to sabotage my efforts when I've put a specific weight goal on myself. But, I know that I don't want to do another one as big as I am now. I'd also like to have improved my running enough that a finish less than 6 hours becomes more realistic.

I've got some things to work on. So, the answer to what's next is to really focus on my diet more than I have been. To get back on the wagon and look at this as a way for me to meet my next goal. I mean, if I can complete a marathon, why can't I control my eating?!?! There's no reason. I can control my eating. I choose not to.

Clearly the reasons I've used as motivators to lose weight in the past weren't good enough. Apparently wanting to look better isn't enough of a motivating factor to me. The whole "wanting to be healthier" is not something I play into because, as we've discussed, I'm healthier at this weight than lots of people at a lower weight; according to my numbers.

So, what's immediately next is to complete my 2012 goal. I only mentioned this on my "running/triathlon journey"  link on this blog. At the end of 2011 I counted all the races I had completed to date in my life. I decided to make a goal of completing that number of races in 2012. I thought this number was 10 and it was nice because I had completed 5 races in 2011, so it would also mean doubling the amount of races done from 2011 to 2012. However, I apparently missed one race in there because when I was writing my races page for this blog, I realized that the number is actually 11. As of today, I have completed 8 races in 2012. I have 2 more on my schedule (Women Who Run 4 miler next weekend and Aurora Turkey Trot 4 miler on Thanksgiving Day). That will bring me to 10 races, but you know that just won't do for me. I only have to decide on 1 more to get to my 11 and I have time to do it. So, I'm going to find one more race to do and will meet my 2012 goal!

At the same time I will start on my next big goal....to lose this weight for good and really work on improving my fitness.

Halloween Run for Justice 5k

I realized this morning that it's been quite a while since I've done a small and local race. I don't particularly care for the 5k distance for several reasons. I haven't done a 5k since June 2011 (not THAT long, I realize). Even my smaller races this year have been parts of bigger ones (like the Towpath 10k, which was part of the Towpath Marathon).

Family self portrait! Not too bad...just cut Mary's face off!

Anyway, so this morning marked the first of hopefully many "Family 5k's". A few months back I was searching online to decide what other races I was going to sign up for to meet my goal for this year. I found this Halloween Run for Justice for today and immediately noticed that you could sign up as a family and get 4 registrations and 4 shirts for $50. Even for a 5k, that's pretty cheap! I asked my husband (since he's not much of a runner) and he agreed it could be fun. The kids were totally excited about it, as both of them keep talking about wanting to do the turkey trot with me.

Since this was a Halloween themed run, I was thinking of doing a family-themed costume. We ended up not doing that for so many reasons (time, money, figuring out a costume we can easily run in, etc). Instead we were all decked out in our Halloween shirts so at least we were being festive.

I was nervous about how the kids would do covering 3.1 miles. On one hand, the distance seems so small; but on the other, I remember how daunting 3.1 miles was for me in 2007. I wasn't sure if their age would be a good thing or not. I mean, they are so young, but have so much energy. I wasn't sure if they'd be "too young" to finish a 5k; or would run circles around me because a 5k is no big thing!

It was a cold, wet day in Cleveland today. The nice thing was that we could wait inside until right before the race started. With about 5 minutes to go, we walked outside and waited for the horn cowbell. And, then we were off! Right away Robbie started to take off. I told him to slow down (for several reasons), but he continued to be faster than me and Mary so eventually Drew went ahead with Robbie. Mary and I had a nice pace going. She was doing really well.  I told her to let me know if she needed to walk. I believe it was just before a half mile that we took our first walk break. When Mary would say she wanted to walk I would time 1 minute and then start running again. She did amazing! I was so proud of her. This wasn't an easy course. It was WINDY, misty and hilly.

I was proud of myself too. I was concerned that perhaps the kids would run circles around me. That I wouldn't be able to keep up. I am happy to report that I let Mary instigate all the walk breaks. I felt like we kept a pretty good pace, but I probably could have finished a bit faster on my own. That makes me happy.

After the race Drew said he wonders what would have happened if we switched and if I went with Robbie and he went with Mary. He said he thought that perhaps Robbie and I would have finished even faster. Awww...he's sweet! :) But perhaps. I think the notion that my 6 year old can help to push me in a race is kind of cool and kind of sad all at the same time!

It was so fun to run in a race with my family. It was fun letting Mary dictate the walk breaks. It was awesome not having a care in the world about my time. There was no pressure for this one. No goals to meet. Nothing to worry about. Just fun.

Official Results:
Drew: 36:35.8
Robbie: 36:36.0
Mary: 38:18.0
Kim: 38:18.3

Robbie made a comment at the end, "I thought we were going to do the entire race together??" We all just laughed because he's the reason why we didn't finish together! Too funny! Next up for the family...Aurora Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning.

5k DONE! and Robbie's saying "we beat you!"

Post Marathon Thoughts....

I know I have so many thoughts going on in my head, but I can't seem to figure out a way to start this post. I also can't quite figure out how to organize all of these thoughts.

Leading up to this marathon I had lots of worries (obviously). I was starting to worry that I wouldn't finish. I was worried that I WOULD finish and feel nothing when I crossed that finish line. That, after all the hard work that I put into training, and months and months of anticipation, it would be anti-climatic and just be over.

Boy, was I (thankfully) WRONG! But, I think that my decision to turn over a new leaf helped with this. In the week leading up to the big day I decided to really focus on being positive. I started becoming more and more confident that I would finish and that I would meet my goal of finishing in under 6:30. I haven't said this yet on the blog, but my original marathon goal was to finish in under 6 hours. But, this was last year when I had lost enough weight that I was under 200lbs and had just finished a half marathon in 2:41. Could I have met my under 6 goal? Probably. If I wouldn't have gained back 20lbs of what I lost and regressed in my running. But guess what? I don't care. I'm not upset with myself or disappointed in what I accomplished. This is new territory for me (the whole NOT being disappointed). Obviously I'm still aware that my original "goal" was to finish in under 6 hours, but this was never my realistic goal once I signed up for the marathon. Case in point: when I registered for the race, I entered my estimated finish time as 6:30.

Stomp the Grapes 2011

However, in the past, even if I knew it wasn't realistic, this would have haunted my thoughts and would have made it difficult to forget that the "real" goal was to break 6 hours. I think this is what happened last year when I finished the Stomp the Grapes half marathon in 2:41. I crossed that finish line and just felt "meh". I had taken another 15 minutes off my previous HM time, but what I really wanted was 2:30 or less....so I ended up being disappointed. I knew that 2:30 was not at all realistic and I tried to convince myself that 2:30 is my eventual HM goal, but apparently that didn't work.

And so, using that same (insane) logic, crossing the finish line at 6:28:55 should have been "meh" for me. THANKFULLY however, something clicked inside me during those 26.2 miles on Sunday.  I finished the first half in a speed that, had I been able to keep it going, would have resulted in a finish just over 6 hours. However, I had already decided that I was going to soak in this experience. One really positive thing about truly not having a time goal is that I didn't feel pressured not to do things. I can't even count how many times I stopped to use the porta potty (tmi? sorry). Every time I felt like I had to go at all, I stopped. I took my phone out so that I could take pictures of the stadium. I stopped to put a Lego piece on the board for one of the "Patient Champions". I even took a picture of said board.

This shift in my mind was amazing. It resulted in the ability to truly enjoy myself. Did I struggle through 26.2 miles? Abso-friggen-lutely!  But what was so interesting to me about this was that I still enjoyed EVERY second of it. I felt like I could barely keep moving at the end, but I was making jokes. A volunteer at one point said "1.5 miles to go", to which I replied, "Can I kiss you!?!?" Any time I felt myself getting discouraged (which honestly didn't even happen that much). I simply reminding myself that I am completing a MARATHON! Nothing else mattered. It didn't matter how long it would take me to do it. It didn't matter if I didn't maintain my intervals (I didn't, by the way). It didn't matter if I walked almost all of the last 3.2 miles. It just mattered that I set out to finish 26.2 miles and I was going to DO that.

I feel like this is the start of something new for me. The start of feeling good about myself and my accomplishments. The start of truly realizing that I am a runner, no matter what speed I move at.

After the marathon Heather (over at mile26 and more) made an excellent point. She told me that I have the strength to complete a marathon....therefore, I have the strength to lose this weight. She is SO right. And with that I'll stop talking.....for now!