22 Days......

Can you even believe we only have 22 days remaining in 2019???

It's also been 5 months since I blogged. Oops!

When I opened my blog up today I saw that I had started a post back in August about how old habits are SO hard to break. I was talking all about how I was continuing to struggle with my eating habits. That was August and not much has changed since then.

I have been doing a ton of soul searching this summer/fall and I have come to the conclusion that what I need to continue to work on is believing that the way I do this weight loss thing is "right". I continue to get sucked into the negative thoughts that tell me I am failing because I'm not losing weight month after month. And interestingly, when I feel like I'm failing, I have an even harder time getting myself back on track. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe I'm failing so then I make sure that happens. It's not a conscious thing, but clearly that's what is happening.

But you know what I tend to forget? What has changed from the past is that even when I feel like I'm failing, I never give up. I never get to a point where I even think about just "throwing in the towel" and trying to "just be happy being the fat girl". I totally used to tell myself that when I felt like I couldn't lose the weight. I'm not done and I frankly won't ever be "done". I think it's that thought process that has helped me make the changes I've made over the last 5 years; and it's that thought process I need to focus on.

I took this pic in Aug.
That measuring tape is showing where
my waist measurement was at my highest weight.

If I try to actually shift my thought process to truly believe that the way I've been losing weight is just fine, then those feelings of guilt when I gain back some weight will go away. And if that happens, perhaps I won't have quite so many months in a year where I gain. Or perhaps I'll gain less weight during those months. Or maybe nothing will change with my rate of weight loss, but I'll be happier through the process and that's what matters.

Whatever it is that I've been doing has helped me to start each year at a lower weight than the year before. I'm still on that trend. I will absolutely start 2020 lighter than I started 2019. It won't be by 22 pounds like it was last year, but who cares? Will I ever actually hit 100 pounds lost? I don't know. Maybe I won't. Or maybe it'll take me the next 5 years to lose the rest of the weight. What does it matter? It doesn't. Let me repeat this for myself: It does not matter how long it takes to reach 100 pounds lost. Better yet, I don't need to reach 100 pounds lost to consider myself successful. I am already successful. And every year that I weigh less than the year before is a win.

I took this pic last Friday to show myself that
it doesn't always matter what the scale says.
I may be up from my lowest this year, but
I wore this sweatshirt for the first time
Friday because prior to that it didn't fit. 

So, as we finish off 2019 I am going to continue to work on my mind. I also think I'm going to start blogging more. I tend to forget how much this blog helps me. I love going back and reading my posts. I re-read this one yesterday about calling it a lifestyle change. It helped to remind me that in May I was believing that this "lifestyle change" was the right one for me. Then why do I so quickly forget that and go back to being hard on myself? I don't know. But that is what I am working on changing now.